I'm glad I found this forum....it sounds like it can be helpful. I hope someone can provide advice for this situation. My 25-year-old husband left on Aug 13. I found out a week later that he was having an affair. I found where they were staying a week after that. I informed his family of what was going on. His brothers confronted him, and aggressively encouraged him to come to the house and talk to me. We talked for 4 hrs that nite, and he wouldn't break it off with the woman. Since that nite, he's shown up maybe four times, each time giving me and his family hope that maybe he's come to his senses, only for him to disappear for days at a time afterwards. He never calls me. Never. It's been one week since I last saw him. I told him on Aug 31 (the last time we spoke) that I wanted to take him back, but he had to do three things before I would: break up with the woman, get another job (away from woman), and move in with parents for a time (not back with me) while we rebuild our relationship. He says he's stopped seeing the woman, and he quit his job (hasn't found a new one yet), and told me he'd move in with his mom and dad. He lied about moving in with his parents. He told them he absolutely refuses to live with them regardless of what I say. He has lied to his dad about where he's been staying, thus we have no idea where he's living. He told his dad he'd stop by their house to talk things out on 9/5, and never showed up. A friend spotted him last Friday nite all dressed up like he was going out, and just happened to be driving in the area where the woman lives. It's only been a matter of a few weeks since this whole mess has developed. What am I supposed to do at this point? Should I sit and wait for him to come around? He's already taken some property out of our house, and he's driving around in a car registered in my name. He's run 3 toll booths that I know of, only because I'm receiving the violations in the mail in my name. It seems to me that he has no desire to save this marriage. I filed for divorce on Thursday of last week. I haven't told his family or many other people for that matter. I don't know if I'm jumping the gun. I'm so angry and so confused. Please please please advise.

He's in the cheater's fog. It sounds like he's completely out of control. If you want your marriage your's is now a painful waiting game.

How long have the two of you been married?

I have to wonder why is father isn't intervening. It's interesting that people who attend weddings pay no attention to the part of the ceremony in which the minister charges those present to suppport the couple in their marriage. One would think that when a man sees his son betraying his wife, acting like a horny teenager, and ruining his life, he's step in and take action. Isn't this what all our recent talk about "family values" is suppsed to be about.

If you've filed for divorce so soon, you certainly have jumped the gun. You are angry and confused and now you've complicated matters. You cannot save your marriage with a doivorce looming. As soon as he learns of this, he will, at the very least, consider you disingenuous. If you want to save your marriage, withdraw the divorce plea immediately. Until you are not angy and confused, you should not be making such decisions.

Read up on recovering from infidelity on this sight. And do not let anyone fool you about this important point: if your husband decides to try to repair the marriage, the two of you must go into marital therapy with a therapist with good experience helping couples with this issue. It is nearly impossible for a couple to recover from infidelity in a healthy way without professional assistance.

I don't think you've jumped the gun filing for divorce for one reason: The act of filing can protect you from your husband's irresponsible behavior! I would not withdrawal the divorce suit until you speak with your lawyer about your risks and liabilities. For example, is your husband using credit cards to finance his wooing the other woman? If so, you could find yourself with a lot of debt.

Running tolls is a stupid, irresponsible behavior, and needless unless you've been driving while under the influence of something. I think you've got to consider the possibility.

Finally, since his family has been your allies through this, I'd tell them you've filed for divorce to protect yourself financially, but you are not rushing it because you still hope he'll come back to you. You need to be completely open with your in-laws if you want their support.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B, but keep in mind, if your husband is an addict, Plan A won't work.

This is bad. I think you did file for divorce too soon. That is a big step and you should take your time to make that decision. I don't think there is anyway you can financially protect yourself until the D is final anyway.

He is definately puting you in a horrible position and he needs to realize that he can't be playing with your heart like this. I would try to get his family involved as much as possible to maybe confront him about what he's doing.

If you are serious about saving this marriage you may have to just wait this out. One of the steps to recovering a M from infidelity is to have no contact with your spouse until the affair has stopped completely. You may have to do this to save your M.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, no one deserves to be betrayed by their spouse. I wish you the best and if your H comes to his sences and decides to work things out, get a marriage counselor asap.

BigBuffs, Rgnorth needs to check with her lawyer. In some states, like mine, financial responsibility for debt ends the moment you file for divorce. In my state, filing a suit of divorce also effects what you can and cannot do with the assets. For example, in my state, Unseen would not be able to sell his wife's car, or close out the savings account with impunity. However, it varies from state to state.

I checked with a lawyer regarding my finances/rights right after I found out he was cheating. She informed me that in order to prevent him from damaging my car as well as my records (DPS, financial, etc.) that I'd need to file asap in order to freeze the accounts and get a court order to have the car returned without me being charged with hindering his 'capability' of obtaining a job by taking away his means of transportation. When she asked if I WANTED a divorce, I told her no, and she suggested marriage counseling. So I waited for two weeks, which during that time he told me he wanted me back and would do anything I asked, then disappeared, then lied about staying with his parents, then lied about where he WAS staying, then reappeared three days later for five minutes (to talk to his dad), then lied about going to talk to his parents last Monday, and now has disappeared completely. Then I filed for divorce. We've been married for nearly 4 years, dated since 98. I think he may be under the influence of something. He admitted to doing drugs with the other woman, and he's started drinking. He never did any of that stuff before he was with her. It's like he's a completely different person. I'm still hoping that he'll come to his senses. In the meantime I feel like I've lost mine. I'm going to go out again tonight to look for him. I know I shouldn't, but I feel helpless. I feel like I should be DOING something, not just sitting here waiting for a phone call he'll never make.

In my state, the one filing must file a full financial disclosure, including state and federat tax returns for the previous three filing years. He/she must also submit an affidavit stating that he/she has not transferred any monies, securities or reral property within 120 days of filing. If it later determined that you lied on that affidavit, you go to jail for defrauding the court. After filing, all common assets are frozen unless they are distributed in accordance with a property settlement reviewed by and approved by the court. Both spouses are responisble only for jointly held consumer credit. If a man has a Visa card in his name and runs up $20K in debt on it, Visa cannot come after his wife for the money.

rgnorth, I think you are onto something. If this bizzare behavior came out of the blue, it is quite possible that he's picked up a drug habit. I also think it admirable that you are still considering his welfare. Anything from his family? Are they trying to help you reel him back from the edge?

Last night instead of trying to chase down my wayward husband for the umpteenth time, I called OW's parents instead. Spoke to her mother...husband has been lying to her family as well as his. She told me they never broke up, in fact they were together that very moment we were speaking to each other. I told her DH told his family and me that he broke up w/ OW on Aug 31, and said he was looking for a new job, and was wanting to work out our problems. I told her all the other things he's told us, and she told me all the things he's told her family. Apparently I've destroyed all his property, sold his dogs, his family has disowned him, I'm trying to steal his car (and they were keeping it for him so that I couldn't get to it), I've cut off his cell phone so he no longer has a working number. All lies. And I made sure she knew they were lies. Her mother was very upset that OW was supporting him. I told her I'd been doing that since we got married, and it looks like he's traded me in for her daughter, and now she's picked up where I left off. I told her OW would be supporting him for the rest of her life, and she said 'over my dead body!' He convinced OW to give him her credit card, convinced OW's mom to give him her gas card (which she wants back now, but hasn't seen them for several days), he's taken OW's cell phone and now her mom can't get a hold of her for emergencies and such, and he's tried to convince OW's mom to get him a cell phone in her name (which she refused to do, hence him taking OW's cell phone). He told them that I filed for divorce a while back and it was a matter of time before it would be completed - I did file but only a few days ago, and I never told him. My attorney has yet to get the paperwork together. She told me the things he said about me, all the horrible nasty things. And I told her all the horrible nasty things he said about her daughter to me. We both had a very eye-opening conversation last night. Before we hung up, she asked for my number, and told me that if I needed anything to please call her. It sounded like her family was going to form a lynch mob that night. I'm just curious how it's going to unfold when he goes over there to pick up his precious car.

R, I never even thought of caling the OW's parents. Since she's young, that may have been the smartest move yet.

R, I suspect he may be an addict. However, I'd think long and hard about this man before you take him back. To my knowledge, you two don't have children. Is that right?

I know this is a pro-marriage web site, but I think you should seriously consider whether his cheating on you might not be a blessing in disguise.

No children here. Last night after I got off the phone with OW's mother, I called DH's dad and told his parents about my whole conversation with her mom. His dad was in shock and wanted to go talk to him. I had followed them to an apartment several weeks ago (the night his brothers confronted him and aggressively encouraged him to come home and talk to me). So I had a pretty good idea about where they were staying. I went to my in-laws, we all got in the car and drove over there. His dad and I were at the back door, his mom and dad's close friend were at the front door. Sure enough he tried to go out the door that we didn't knock on thinking nobody would be there to catch him. Needless to say, he was very stunned about the whole situation. He was also very hostile. I said things to him that have been bottled up for a month now. His mother unleashed on him. There towards the end I told him 'You told her parents we were getting a divorce. You want a divorce? You got it. This is the last time you're going to see me.' We left, and he stayed with OW.

About 5:30 this afternoon, DH's bro called to tell me that he 'might' be making progress w/ DH. They had been exchanging text messages all day. They were going to go out for coffee & talk about things tonite. About 7, I got a text message from DH telling me that he loves me. DH just loves to send text messages. They're short and sweet and you don't have to talk to the other person and have to deal with any questions they may have for you. About 30 minutes later, his dad's close friend told me that DH moved out of OW's apartment today. When I asked how he knew that, he said that DH had called his dad and told his dad that. Then his parents talked to me and were very encouraged by the fact that DH & bro were going to have a little chat. They just KNOW he's starting to finally come to his senses. His dad told me that even though I had filed for divorce, I shouldn't 'burn any bridges'. Around 10, a friend drove by OW's parents (while the chat was to be taking place) and saw DH's car parked there. I KNOW he wouldn't be driving her car to this little meeting, and I CERTAINLY know she wouldn't be driving him to this meeting. So I just got off the phone with bro who told me that DH called him tonite to tell him he just COULDN'T meet tonite, he had an upset stomach. Yeah. Ok. I asked him where DH was staying. Bro told me he thought he was at OW's apartment when they last talked.
Moved out huh?
So they're going to have LUNCH tomorrow and talk.
Good for them. If he actually keeps this lunch date I think I may die of shock. He doesn't do face to face things very well these days.
In the meantime, while they're trying to save this marriage, my divorce papers are being processed. It doesn't look like a divorce is going to be acceptable to his family.

R,
Once the papers are processed, do you know what usually happens? NOTHING. Don't worry about that. I filed papers 2 years ago, we're just now finishing up because I held off resolving the divorce.

Now, about his family. While they're on your side now, you need to remember blood is thicker than just about anything else. Your in-laws really want to believe their son is getting his act together. They really want to believe that he isn't going to harm their family and cause them to lose you. And it's easier for them because they don't feel the pain you do.

Just keep that in mind.

Let us know about the lunch.

I think I agree with Greengables earlier post based on what you've said so far...

- no kids
- you've supported him since you've been married
- "player" behavior, as far as the cell phones, credit cards, etc. goes. This goes beyond the normal lying and deceptiveness that goes along with an affair.
- behavior that appears as if it COULD be (not confirmed) drug-influenced. At best, erratic behavior that indicates some serious problems, whether drug related or not.
- the fact that he's so willing to lie to and about his family so willingly (saying his family disowned him, telling them he'd meet them and then not showing up) says a lot too. I start wondering if this boy didn't already have some deep-seated family problems or resentments that he's carrying along with him. I saw that with my XH. He has a whole lot of anger and resentment towards his parents and his family, and I have no clue why. I've been around them, and from everything I can tell, they are all lovely people - I love them all still. But my XH definitely has some issues there. Those are some things you will not be able to come close to helping him deal with if he does have them.

Now that's just my assessment from my admittedly limited view from what't been written here on-line. So it may be wrong. But if it is anywhere close to right, that's a whole lot to try and overcome in your situation. And a lot of it does remid me of my situation - and belive me, I wish I had seen a whole lot earlier how bad my situation was.

I prayed for years for God to help "fix" our marriage. Nothing happened. Finally, I changed my prayer, and started asking God to just do something, ANYTHING, because I couldn't take it anymore. Within about a month or so of praying that is when I found out about his affair, and eventually I found out he had been cheating and doing personals on-line for years.

When I started asking God for help, divorce was the farthest thing from my mind. And I do think God hates divorce. But I do think He knew that in my case, it was what I needed.

Just think about what has really been going on in your marriage all this time as you're going through all this, ok?

R, you can't see how long ago Penquin joined MB, but it was a while. She's one of the wise ones who's seen much.

I certainly appreciate the advice. And believe me I'm reflecting on our marriage to this point. He messaged me again today seeking a response: 'Were you ever happy with us? If so when?' My lawyer (whose XH cheated on her, then they divorced and he married the OW, and she went to law school and became a lawyer) told me to have no further contact with DH, that the contact I have had already may compromise the case. So I'm not responding to his messages. But I still love him very much. Part of me wants him to know that, and part of me just wants to move on. I've prayed and prayed for him to come to his senses. At the very least leave OW. His family is deeply involved in the church. I've been attending the same church since I was 8. Everyone there knows DH has left me, but they don't know the situation. They certainly don't know about OW. It is extremely difficult for me to face the congregation with everyone telling me that he'll come home, just give it time, with me having already filed. I've only told a few people who are familiar with all the details. At least I've finally told his dad, who is an elder of the church. I know it's just a matter of time before I'm going to have to make it public knowledge. I dread that day. Divorce is such a nasty word at church.

R, have you read up on Plan B? Please, please do so. In plan B, you get to tell your H one last time that you love him and want the marriage to work. You lay out the conditions under which you will start to work on the marriage again, such as he leaves OW and goes to Marriage counseling with you. And you tell him you won't have any contact with him until such time as he fulfills those conditions. Since you are still in love with your H, you really should consider Plan B before pushing the divorce through.

Also, be wary of your lawyer since she may still have a personal bias that skews her view of the case.

As far as plan b is concerned, I did tell DH (that first night I found him and OW at the apartment) that I still loved him, but the only way I would take him back was if he 1) left OW, 2) found another job, 3) moved in with his parents while we rebuild our relationship. I didn't think that was too much to ask. He refused to do any of those things that night. On Aug 31, he came to me and his family and I reemphasized that I loved him and that if he wanted this relationship to work he needed to do those three things. He told us he quit his job. Aside: He told OW's family he lost his job due to his friends and family harassing him while he was at work. In reality, he wouldn't answer his cell, so friends and family who were wanting to talk to him could only talk to him when they saw his car at his workplace. But he told me and his family that he quit his job. He also told us that night that he stopped seeing OW - which was also a lie. He told me he'd move in with his parents as well. Also a lie. Two nights ago, when I called OW's mother and found out that they were in fact still seeing each other, and I took his parents to their apartment, they told him there that he could still turn things around, but he had to leave OW that very night. That was the first step. Did he take that first step? No. We left the apartment, and he chose to stay. I'm not sure how many times plan b is to be resubmitted for consideration by the cheating party, but so far my DH has snubbed it three times.

R, you haven't done Plan B.

You told your H, but you didn't put in writing. That's essential. Anything in writing is taken much more seriously than some that's just said. Also, most people retain what they read better than what they hear. Finally, your H might keep the letter and reread it at the opportune time.

Second, you have had contact with him. You need to stop all contact with him, including Text messages and emails.

Plan B does not work instantly. It takes time, and about half the time, it doesn't work at all in terms of bringing a WS home. However, Plan B will help you stop hurting so much by protecting you from the situations that cause the pain.