What do I do if after trying to implement plan B, WH says no, this is my house, I can stay here as long as I want? Then he says "you can leave if you want and leave the kids with me." I can NOT leave my kids with him, I have been their caregiver their entire lives, he has never lifted a finger to help raise them. He doesn't have a clue how to take care of 4 kids day in and day out.
The house is in his name, the cars are in his name...what do I do in this case? I can't afford to get a place for the kids & I right now, I am still trying to find a job, and the $1200 a month he has to pay in child support, isn't nearly enough for 5 to survive on. He says he will also pay $800 a month alimony, but not until I sign divorce papers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Any advice???

Wow,

You can't make him leave, you only have control over yourself.

Then you bring the DJ that he can't take care of the kids?

Ok, kids safety is #1. Is he unsafe, or does he just do things different from you?

If it's just a matter of him doing things differently, then leave them with him, with the boundary that OW is not allowed to be around the kids.

That ought to break up his little romance, taking care of a pair of 2 year olds should do that.

I don't know can you get some sort of court order that keeps her away from the kids?

Or just stay.

But you only have control over what you do, not what he does or doesn't do.

T

I'll have to think long and hard about this...my kids are my life right now, they keep me sane. They also are very attached to me, and not to their dad, I'm afraid it would do damage to them if he were to take them. Their world has already been thrown into a tailspin with him leaving and supposedly coming back for good and then changing his mind again.
WH is not physically dangerous, but he has always been verbally abusive towards the kids & I and with the fog he's in right now, well I just don't really trust him.
I really doubt I could block OW from being around the kids, and I know he wouldn't honor the request if I asked her to stay away.

No matter how strong your WH thinks he feels for the OW, I hope he can at least see that introducing a new person as some kind of "special friend of Daddy's" to kids 11 and 8 is a TERRIBLE idea. I thank God my WH didn't QUITE get to that point.

You should probably get a lawyer. The court can decide who stays in the house. Most likely any decent court will take what is best for the kids into account primarily. If you have been their primary caregiver...

I was told my my attorney and FOC that I could keep the OW away from the kids, until the D was final. Check with an attorney, you might be surprised. It's about the BEST interest of the kids. And affairs don't last. Therefore, it's not in the best interest of the kids to meet Daddy's girlfriend. At least not while he's still married to Mommy.

Is there a minimum of time in your state that a divorce with kids can be final? In MI it is 6 months minimum. I filed, but then withdrew the filing 3 months later.

Hi, I just read your other posts for some background.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

In your earlier posts you mentioned that you were going to MC and IC? Have you discussed this with them?

Did you write the Love Must Be Tough opening the cage door/plan B letter? If you did how did he respond? Was that when he said he ws staying?

Are you sure its time for plan B. You havn't been in Plan A that long. What has God told you to do? Is it possible that he is keeping you in Plan A?

There is no plan A, WH won't even consider NC with OW. He is ready to divorce right now. He is planning to marry OW as soon as divorce is final. I don't see IC again for over a week but I will talk to him about it. Oh and WH has decided he won't go to MC with me or at all, says its a waste of time and money and nothing will change his mind, not even God!

I didn't write a letter, since I have no way to get it to him until he is back home (still working out of town till the 23rd) I told him on the phone, very gently and calmly...probably not the best way to tell him, and he just blew up at me. I can't stand the thought of him moving back in here for a week at a time knowing he is still in love with her and probably spending every chance he has on the phone or internet with her. Who knows maybe he'll even be going out on dates with her while he is living here. He is so open and blatant about it all now, I just need him gone.
It seems God hasn't given me any real direction, I just don't know what to do.

It's already past that point here, they met OW when he was living with her for a month. He actually got them excited about having a new stepsister and stepbrother

That is good to know, I will start looking for a lawyer.

Very good point, I hope that is the case here, I will def. ask about it.

I think here in UT it's only 2 months minimum, but it can be a lot longer if you don't take the mandatory parenting course. Thanks for your advice.

I understand your pain and confusion. I am separated from my H as well, not by my choice. he moved out 5 months ago. He has an EA with a women he works with plus he is on the internet dating sites.

Please go back and READ Plan A/Plan B.

Quote:
Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.
END.

Plan A is about negotiation for the affair to end AND being the best you you can be. Take a class,join a bible study,get into the word, enjoy the fellowship fo your church family and find somelse to help. Start doing things that interest you.

If you still feel Plan B is the best choice for you then you MUST write the letter and deliver it to him.

However, I believe you need guidence from your IC first.
Is your IC famliar with Marriage Builders and love must be tough? If he is Move your appiontment up. If not I sugest you talk to the MC then with out your WS.

If you Plan B remember that is your home too.
He can move out.
Lastly, continue to seek God. I don't know what I would have done without the peace, comfort and guidence of God.

The bible tells us to count our trials as joy, which is really hard to do, but I have learned so much and come closer to God in the last few months.

Know that you are in my prayers,

Of course the WH won't consider NC in Plan A, if he did then it would be recovery not Plan A. He is following the script. He is doing and saying the exact same things every other WS says. Your sitution is not different and it is not hopeless. Also you can't do Plan B if you didn't do Plan A. Please take the time to read this site (not just the message board) and get a better understanding of Plan A and B. What you are doing now is NOT per the Marriage Builders concepts. The concepts do work, but not if you don't follow them. Plan B does not work unless there is a strong Plan A.

First thing to do is exposure and anything and everything that you can do to break up the A. Then you need to do what ever it takes to stall the D, BUT at the same time make sure you are protected. This means going to see an attorney right away. Knowledge is key here, then your WH can not scare you with absurd threats. Then you need to work on Plan A. Plan A is not easy but if it restores your M it is worth it.

You have read "Surviving An Affair" correct?

What do I do if after trying to implement plan B, WH says no,
When you go to Plan B, (after you understand it) there is nothing to stop you from implementing it. You just do it.
Since you did NOT write a Plan B letter, you are not in Plan B.
Also, Plan B is not something you discuss withy your ws. It is not something you let them know you may to do at a future time.

I think you are too early to be doing Plan B, especially without an actual plan in place.
You need to make sure you have all your ducks lined up BEFORE you give a Plan B letter.
This means you have a plan of where & how to live, how visitation wiuth the kids will occur, expenses, everything.

I highly recommend you set up an appointment at Marriage Builders (see below).

Yes I have read the book...
I will hold off on plan B. And try to work on plan A for the one week a month he is here (he doesn't even talk to me while he is away, he calls the kids every couple days though, and stops by when he can to see them for 2 hours max)

As far as marriage builders appointment? Sorry can't afford $180 an hour. I can barely afford the $20 I pay to see my current IC (I am on a sliding fee scale)

Please just know that your situtaion isn't hopeless. Just because he says he wants a D, and is going to marry OC, etc etc...? Yeah, that's what he thinks he wants. That's what my H was saying last year too. Now he doesn't know what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks he was thinking. Pray, read, post, and give it time.

God's peace, comfort, clarity & wisdom will carry you with strength you didn't know you had access to. You'll be stronger after this, I promise. (Not that you were weak before). During the worst times, I loved the daily devotional "Streams in the Desert." Still love it, but there's a lot there to support you and give some meaning to the suffering in times like this.

Thanks so much for your support and encouraging words, it really means a lot to me. And I love Streams in the Desert, I have a musty old antique copy and I just cherish it.
WH came by for a few hours tonite. He was much more civil then he has been, we didn't argue once. He apologized for the mean things he said to me the last couple times he's called or come over and he said he will go to marriage counseling with me, like he originally promised. Its not much, but its a start...and he looked at me tonite, with eyes that cared instead of the cold, angry, dark and hard eyes he has had lately. Maybe there is still hope. Thanks again for your words and prayers. I'll keep you posted, hopefully there are more happy posts coming.

Just because he says he wants a D, and is going to marry OC, etc etc
FYI: OC is Other Child, as in a child by the OW (Other Woman)

Hi LL,
Glad to hear you are doing better.
Nothing to offer today except encouragement and support.

As for me my H still isn't interested in woking anything out with us so I am still in "limboland" too.

I hope you will go back and read Plan A it took me awhile to get an understanding of what to do and not to do.

Keep the posts comming. There is wonderful support here.

Marry OC? Ooops!
Sorry, my typo... oops.

I'm so happy you have this book!!!!


It's not much? Oh, it's a lot!!! Oh happy day! I hope he follows through, but be prepared for ups & downs. But it is definitely very good news!!!