W/H and I are peacefully getting along for a few days now. No LBer's. After many talks, I felt he had given up his grudge about his mother's move. We had a wonderful drive to the mountains, (husband looking for deer) our conversation was easy and carefree, devoid of any stress.
The next day husband is reserved again, but I am still glowing from the drive, and ignore husband's behavior. He now is wavering between not wanting anything from me, to cuddling with me at night.
I haven't figured this one out. For example, I ask him if he wants dinner, he says no. Later he will be rummaging through refrigerator looking for something to eat. Example #2 I cook dinner, ask if he wants me to dish it up, he says no, he will get some in a little while. 5 minutes later he walks over and dips some up.
To me this is showing signs of withdrawel, but it conflicts with the signals he has at night while we cuddle which indicates state of intamency.
Please, can anyone explain this behavior to me. He doesn't want me to do anything for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Sounds promising to me. Keep on doing what you are doing. It sounds like he wants to be mad, but his hunger gets the best of him.

I would continue cooking dinner without asking him if he wants it.

And cuddling is very, very good.

I know its only temporary Believer, but I am so happy. I am keeping in mind that I am still on this rollercoaster ride and while today I feel wonderful, tommorrow could bring me down again. It just feels so good. I really felt a sense of intamacy during our drive, and well the cuddling just feels my en's to the brim. If I could only get B/H to the point where his en's were spilling over.
I know he is still worried about his mother's move.

Be happy about it. Think of it as planting seeds and waiting for them to grow.

There are lots of ups and downs, but he will be noticing the ups.

KD--Hang in there soul sister. Sometimes when I read your posts, it's like we're married to the same man. Patience is the key.

Hey KD-

Your H might not want you to do anything for him because of the GUILT. My FWW was that way. "Stop being so nice to me," she would say, "I don't deserve it."

I just kept on with the foot rubs and late night ice cream runs, washing dishes and clothes, and sending her to the gym while I got the rugrats ready for bed.

You're very early in the game so be patient. It's likely he'll throw a haymaker or two at you before it's over. Just keep on being the best you can be! If nothing else, look at it as self-improvement.

[color:"yellow"] [/color] Oh, I am so sorry, Dougswife, you have my sympathy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />Just kidding Patience has never been my virture, but hey, I'm working on it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

[quote]Hey KD-

Your H might not want you to do anything for him because of the GUILT. My FWW was that way. "Stop being so nice to me," she would say, "I don't deserve it."



[color:"orange"] [/color] I never thought of that, Hmmm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Just trying to look on the brightside as we're in an excellent recovery. My FWW is better than ever in all aspects of her life and I am too.

Please remember to stay strong, it's very early and you'll likely have a "coming clean" party that will hurt a lot. (It's not all bad, we had great SF that night, lots of built up emotions!)

Coming Clean Party?????
How did that come about? Did you initiate this? Around what part of the recovery process does this happen?

Five weeks after NC and MC and IC (for her) started she came home from the gym crying and telling me how terrible she was. At this point she admitted to a PA (I already knew, just waiting for her to admit it..still hurt). So I LBed all over the place, telling her I was divorcing her. She cried intensely for a long time and I calmed down and got my head back on straight.

She told me that the first five weeks of "recovery" were fake and forced for her as she was in withdrawal. She claimed she had just convinced herself that she would stay in a loveless marriage for the kids. Scary that she really thought that way for a time...

Since then we're two months plus into real recovery. She lets me do things for her without downing herself and is very sweet and affectionate towards me. She's also better with our little ones. Sometimes I have a hard time thinking about things and we talk. She crief a bit for me last night saying she wished she could take it all back or do something to make up for it.

I just like to tell folks to keep their guard up early in the recovery process. It's easy to be giddy when your WS is choosing you and your marriage over the OM/OW. Your H may act totally differently, who knows?

MFlake,
I really hope my husband gets to this point. It would mean so much to me if he was truly sorry and said he loved me again.
My husband won't do mc. He told the counselor a whole bunch of things before his affair was discovered and is too embarressed to go back and face the music. I am hoping his heart will soften and he will be open to all the marriage builder's principles, and won't look at it, like I am trying to shove something down his throat or trying to control him.
Thanks for sharing your story

I told and continue to tell my wife that I have no desire to punish her, emabarass her, or make her look bad. I could easily do all those things to her considering the nature of her A, but I don't because I love her.

I don't want any resentment at all in our recovery at all, and she is good enough to understand that and will talk to me anytime I want to even though she admits it makes her very uncomfortable and sad.

You are very early in the game, as we've pointed out before, and your H hasn't even gotten over breaking up with his girlfriend yet. It takes time.

But...he simply must get into MC with you. You just have to promise not to bite his head off if you hear stuff you don't want to hear. I heard:

"I've never really loved you."

"I was 50/50 on getting married when I walked down the aisle."

"He's (the OM) insightful, he understands me, he's romantic, you are complete opposites."
[I could list the intensely romantic things we have done, but that comment really killed me.]

"I'm in love with him."

"I never saw fireworks when we first got together, and that has always bothered me."
[Yeah, I guess all those nights talking/making out until 4 in the morning, and love notes didn't involve fireworks...]

So you're going to hear some hard stuff too. Be ready, assure him you won't bite his head off. He might start with the "little" stuff to test you. If you must emotionally react, a few tears are better than yelling/anger. And get to MC.

Send him to this board to read some stuff about it, get a friend or family member of his to encourage him too. A showing of strong support for your marriage doesn't have to be a constant berating of him. Tell him everything you do you are doing because you believe in him and your marriage.

Go for it!

kds, that is why they call it a roller coaster ride. The ups and downs will make your head spin but it is all part of the process. My WW tells me she feels close one day and distant the next. Remember they are struggling through many emotions and it will take time to get through this. When they are in it, it may seem hopeless to them and they see no point in even trying. But based on everything we know from all the wonderful posts here, that isn't the case, and the tide most likely will eventually turn in your favour.

Keep doing what you are doing and listen to what the people here have to say since they have been through it all.