Seems obvious doesn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> However, I was out of town over the weekend and spent a lot of time reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Found myself and my WH in there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I also found some healthy changes I have already begun in my life which was encouraging. I am reading this book mainly to learn how to let go of my need to control, especially where my WH is concerned. This was the first time in 4 years I was away without worrying every single minute what he was doing. I had one moment of panic Saturday evening when he didn't answer the cell or home phone but he was fixing our tenant's sink and called me right back.

I learned quite a bit about myself this weekend. How much time I have wasted fretting over WH and how I let things he said to me destroy my self confidence. Yes..I LET him do it, I allowed his words to mean too much to me.

We have had the most open, honest conversations of our 14 year M in the past two weeks. We have finally gotten to the point of truly enjoying each other's company. I see how compatible we really are when we aren't hiding and lying.

What a darn waste that he cannot give up OW. OC is a big draw and she has control over OC. But on top of that he has a deep attachment to OW. Where does this leave me? Facing a D in just a few short weeks. A D I don't want and will hurt my kids. I am not afraid of being alone. I am no longer afraid of the future but I am grieving something that might have been and grieving the time we wasted with all these games.

I love this man. When I look past the cheating and lying of the past few years (and I am guilty of the same)I see someone I really like. I see someone I enjoy being with. I see the father of my children. sigh...just venting.

I am sorry you are hurting Faithful. I do not know all of your sitch, but I can relate.

I love my husband. I really believed that we will be together for the rest of our lives. We have a beautiful son together. It's been quite some time since H left emotionally and 4 months since he left physically, and yet I am still praying everyday for a miracle to bring my husband back. Sadly, I still cannot face the reality that I have lost my husband.

Hugs,
Milk

MS, it has not been that long for you so take heart. My sitch has gone on for too long and has an OC on top of that. We made our lives soooo needlessly complicated. He loves me, I have no doubt about that either. It might be easier to walk away if we were not so emotionally tied together.

faithful- I too feel as you, why can't WW give up OM, as she is so fogged that she can't see there is no future with him. My DD and I feel as if we have been cast aside for him. Very selfish, but I think it takes a selfish person to carry on an A.

We love, and b/c we love and care, we fight, we argue, and often we hate. It is a strange thing. Yet people still fall in love and want to get married. Then the grass starts to look greener.....

Why do we do this?

>I love this man.

I know dearling. I know.

I'm so sorry.

- Kimmy

Oh Kimmy, you can't know how you brought tears to my eyes.

Cos I DO know. I wish the knucklehead would've snapped to! I really do.

FF, i'm afraid anything i say here will have the same results as Kimmy's post. cuz i was going to type the exact same thing to you. i know you do and i am so sorry for your pain.

i am still praying for a miracle for you FF. it seems like you guys are giving up right at the junction where you could really start to get into recovery together. it just seems so wrong FF.

Thank you, FL. I know I told him that today that it seems like we are ending right at the beginning? When we both seem to be hitting a new understanding of ourselves and it is time to split. I don't know.

It doesn't have to be this way ... you H could easily choose to be married to one woman not two ... from what you have said, he has no intention of ending their relationship, ever.... and that is too sad.

Of course you love him, that was never the problem !!!!

I wonder if he has ever been consistently monogamous ???

I do believe he was monogamous in the early part of our M but only in the sense of sex. His heart has never truly been 100% with me. I see an emerging maturity in him but to think that he can only be in OC's life by having a relationship with his mother is a real problem.

I am having some anxiety today and I know it is due to my trying to let go. It is very hard. I guess I will just try to distance myself in a healthy way.

There is a part in the book that I have already changed...I am proud of this and it has made my life much more fulfilling. Now if I can accomplish this sort of detachment with my DS, then logically I should be able to with my WH as well. right? Why is this so much harder?

Because emotional attachment is different then the unconditional love one has for a child.

You have emotional needs that he has met, and even brought out which are sooooo much like an addiction.

I believe emotional attachment is such a strong bond which keeps us bound to another, even when all logic would say this is not good for me.

It is what I work to dispel in my own sitch, and what gives me the most grief.

Getting there I am, and so will you Faith.

For me it took KNOWING without a shadow of a doubt that this must be done for all concerned in order to keep me from running to him and giving up whatever good sense I had.

I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I must let him go, and be happy on my own.

When you know this, all else will fall into place.

You cannot be married to and live with a man who will not give up this very active & very involved affair. It would DESTROY you and all else of value to you.

As Orchid says "when your head and heart are in synch, you will have peace."

Faith, you simply have no choice right now, so knowing that there are no other options will make this emotional detachment easier to attain.

I will also add, that the friendship you are developing with him is a good thing. If you can keep it on the friendship level, than that is the basis of all worthwile relationships and will be very beneficial to your kids.

I have a pretty good friendship with my DD's dad (sometimes it is stressed when we do not agree on discipline), in fact he is the one who bailed me out of jail, no questions asked he was there with the cash in thirty minutes.

This kind of friendship with him, shows my DD what caring is truly about. And he loves and is faithful to his new wife, and of course ran it by her before he came and bailed me out.

I know you are right, Weaver. It will destroy me to continue in this manner. The peace I attained over the weekend is nearly gone already. Just before I read your post I had realized I have to let go.

{{{FF}}}

(((FF))))

It must be so difficult to detach. I think you are doing it the hard, admirable way, but the way that will be much better for you and your kids in the long run.

I think so many people 'cut and run'. They have to mentally place all the blame on the other person and turn them into an evil person before they can detach. You are doing it in the more difficult and more mature way, IMO, recognising that he is not evil, the issue is that you cannot live with his behaviour, which he is choosing to continue. You have to leave the M for your own self respect. At the same time you and your kids can still respect him as a person.

I think you are doing amazingly well and I admire you for it ((((FF))).

FF, you're a real hero. You continue to do everything you can to make what you, and others, have done wrong.

I still love my XWW, and I can't have her in my life, because her goal has my suffering attached to it.

It is hard to let go. It hurts like crazy for a long time. Wish I could tell you different, but it's a long haul. I stopped checking the mile markers months ago...

{{{FF}}}

gc

GC, that was such a descriptive way of putting it that her goal has your suffering attached to it. I can really relate to that.