"won't fall in love anytime soon". How to not fall in love, I don't know. I just don't want to expect it or believe it, too soon. Things could go well, things could fall apart. I am just trying to learn to discipline my feelings to where I feel them, but they don't override my brain. If I do it successfully I will let you know =)

Check Ur Heart,
I have seen 2 types of people that are pretty typical. There is the type like me, who grew up in church, was saved at 6 years old, baptized, believed pretty much all my life, even if I stray many times and I am sometimes stronger in my faith than others. Then I have seen the type where tragedy strikes and they cry out to God. Sometimes it is artificial and sometimes it is real. I believe that with him it is real. I mean, how many people turned to God after 9/11? The relationship may take time to foster, but you can't compare a relationship with 2 humans to a relationship with one human and God. God is all knowing, all sovreign, and loves unconditionally. You ask Him for help, He guides you. So while the faith building, maturity, growth of a Christian takes time and processing (I have been a Christian 22 years and I am still growing in my faith- aren't we all?) I believe it can be initially genuine.

Poppycock!

Check, you really crack me up sometimes... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Then you should go talk to my priest, TBG. You'd find him very entertaining.

“””Are you talking about sex?”””

Yes. Yes. YES… I’m talking about S E X…. There I said it…….lol…..

“””If so, I am not going to have sex with him.”””

Ever? Well, then I do have bad news for you….This relationship won’t work….lol…. To me, when you are in this type of relationship or whatever, you have to be ever so careful. It’s so easy to nurture and fill those voids left by the loss of the other spouse. And IMHO, then you can even be blinded by what you see as recovery, when in fact all that has happened is that the grieving has been repressed.

“””When you said you couldn't do that, what did you mean?”””

I tend to be an “All-In” or “All-Out” type of person. So when I started talking to and seeing my now wife, it wasn’t long before I established that I could see a wonderful future with her. By the time I even thought about guarding my heart it was too late, my heart was “All-In”. By the grace of God, she is the one I’m now married to. However, as preachy and prickish as I’ve been at all this relationship advice about guarding your heart etc… I truly couldn’t do it.

“””I just mean, I won't fall in love and plan the wedding anytime soon!”””

Here’s my bottom line advice. Be careful in what Emotional Needs you allow him to meet for a while, while he is recovering. The reason I say that is if he’s meeting one of your top ones then you may just “fall” a little too soon.

LH, I am trying to wait until Marriage to have sex again. I had sex with ex very early, sex with another crazy person very early, and I am gunshy and feel convicted that God intends sex only for marriage, and I need to stick to that. It isn't easy. It's kind of like my pastor says, if you say you won't eat cake, you won't eat cake, you won't eat cake, virtually everytime you will end up eating cake. Because you obsessed about not doing it. I am trying to not obsess about it and give myself grace, but don't want to stumble and ruin a potentially good relationship because I didnt' do things the way God planned.

I am an all in kind of girl as well. But all in, I have usually ended up as the pursuer. I want to make sure as an all in kind of girl, that I have an all in kind of guy before I do that again. Which is why I am saying I don't want to let my feelings muddy my outlook on relationship situations, like I have experienced before. I just want to make sure I am with someone who can equally love me and wants to be with me- that it's a healthy relationship and not a chore or a rebound. So many relationships I see, people are miserable with each other and don't know why they ever got married. No thanks to that for me.

Let me just say, what you're attempting there is next to impossible. Again the proof is on these boards. I firmly believe that your vision, just as many on these boards, will become clouded. I think that's human nature. And it's OK, if you can maintain one thing and that's an Open Mind. Keep talking to the good people on these boards about your relationship and take their feedback with an Open Mind. There's a wise old saying "It's much easier to look out a window than into a mirror". That saying can have multiple meanings, but here, be open to the idea that some of the obvious can easier be viewed from outside the relationship.

I've been on these boards for a little more than a minute now. I've posted to, e-mailed, and talked to many many many people who are either standing where you are or where the new guy is. So many times I and others saw the train wreck long before it happened. So again, just keep an open mind when you get feedback. Heck this dude may be wonderful, awesome, and great. Or he may be something else.....


Well said... IMHO the only thing you can do is ensure that all the proper pieces are in place for that to happen. With this guy I have to concerns:

1. Recently divorced... That's an obvious one and has been written about to death. I think it plays more to the overall health of a relationship. In church you hear Good begats Good and I think that applies in a relationship as well. Two emotionally healthy people are far more likely to have an emotionally healthy relationship. Having one not healthy person in that relationship changes the dynamics dramatically. That person is not going to remain stagnant. They are either going to get better or worse. If they get worse the results are obvious. If they get better, the results can vary, power struggles can ensue.

2. Recent Christianity: Someone touched on this earlier and I believe it's a valid point. It's very normal for New Christians to go through a period of being drunk in the Spirit for a while once they've discovered the gifts Christ has to offer. But after a while 6-12 months, that drunkeness seems to wear off and how they are going to be as Christians shows through more clearly.

I agree with both points Lost. And I sure don't want another train wreck. At least this time around, again, I am not having to be the pursuer. He called during lunch and just said hey and asked if I was having a good day, we talked about 5 minutes and hung up. I think things like that are considerate. I like him being an initiator.

Okay, so you don't want to be in love, you are waiting until marriage until you have sex again, and you don't want to get messed up in a rebound relationship with a newly divorced man. All valid. But I have to ask: why then are you wanting a relationship with this man? His seeming to be nice isn't enough, adgirl. I'll explain why by addressing another red flag I see. I've been waiting to see if anyone else would bring this up.

You've very clearly outlined your apporach and all I can say is atta-girl! But what of him? You won't be in this alone, you know. Maybe you can pull a hat trick and keep yourself from falling in love. To me, starting a relationship beyond friendship with someone you could but will not allow yourself to love, is a waste of time and effort. I'd choose to limit my social interaction to friends and family until I was ready to love again. Yet I understand that others don't feel this way. So, adgirl, what's your plan for the time when he tells you he's fallen in love with you? What if he can't do what you are attempting to do? Do you see my point? If you aren't ready and he falls, he's going to be hurt. Given that he's only a few months away from a divorce, he'll be hurt far more badly than you may imagine. Why take this risk?

You seem really excited about this man and it sounds like you really see some potential in him. I really hope this works out the way you want it too. So work on that plan about how to deal with him should he fall.

I very much WANT to be in love. But I very much have experienced falling too fast, and will do my best not to. It doesn't mean I don't want to be in love, and that I won't eventually be in love, that just comes into the guarding my heart thing. so you are saying he will fall in love with me, and I won't fall in love with him? Is that the question? If so, the answer is- I may sound like I am talking both ways here. It is hard to express. I am seeing him because I see potentially things going somewhere, farther down the road. If I doubted or didn't think that I ever would love him or want to be with him, I would stop the dating then. Right now I don't know. It is too soon to know if I would fall in love or not. It is too soon to know if he is far enough down the road of divorce recovery. All that information is unknown. So the bottom line was - and the original question that I intended- was do I take the risk? I like him because he is "nice" but also because I am attracted to him, I like his friends (we have some common friends), I like his attitude and positive outlook on life and the way he jumps in to help people and to care for people, etc. I like that he has good conversation skills and seems to care how my day is going and what I do in my career. Those are a few things. So I am not just seeing him with the intention of never having a more serious relationship. I just don't want to jump on that boat too quickly. I didn't mean I would 'never" allow myself to love, I just mean I want to be careful and cautious. If I thought I would hurt him, or feel like I will in the process, I will stop seeing him. Between you and LH I am wondering- do you both feel that if sex is not involved in a relationship, it isn't a relationship? I am asking because I am not sure why you put that in there in your 3 questions- the other two I get.

You lost me on this one. I never said or implied that without sex in a relationship the relationship isn't just that, a relationship.

Bill,
You said "ever?" when I said I wasn't going to have sex with him, but I realize now you were joking, meaning that wouldn't be good if I didn't have sex with him if I married him one day. Sorry about that. No when I get married sex will be had if I have anything to do with it =) (I was the main initiator in my marriage and now know it was because of ex-s pornography)

"Between you and LH I am wondering- do you both feel that if sex is not involved in a relationship, it isn't a relationship?"

I never even intimated such a thing. Read some of my other posts and you'll know that I believe that people jump into bed way to early in a relationship.

Having said that, I will say that there is no way I would ever consider marrying anyone with whom id did not already have a healthy sexual relationship. This is critical. If you do not do this, you run the risk of marrying someone with whom you are not sexually compatible. When that happens, love dies very quickly and you find yourself faced with a very serious and almost insurmountable problem right from the start. Actually, sexual incompatibility is one of the most common reason marriages get into trouble.

Once I started dating a woman, who I was really attracted to. We had so much in common and really clicked. We talked about sex and she seemed perfectly fine about it. When the time was right, Iinitiated sex. She went along, but, oh my was she ever awful in bed. Her response to me was almost as if she was being raped by a family member. We talked about this and I learned that she really didn't like sex, but only did it because "it's a woman's duty" and preferred that her partner got the whole unpleasant mess over with as quickly as possible. Now if this were a hang-up she wantedto deal with, we could have gon forward. But, she didn't want to hchange her attitude about sex and was very comfortable with it. Obviously, this wasn't acceptable to me, so we switched to friendship mode. Yet, what if I hadn't found this out until after the vows had been exchanged?

Adgirl, I'd like you to think about something a little bit differently. You talk about "falling in love too fast." You know something? There is no such thing. One falls in love or one doesn't. When I hear someone say this, though they may not understand it, what they are really saying is "I can't distinguish real love from infatuation." Infatuation is the first stage of love, but one can be infatuated and that emotion never develops into love. One cannot really know if one is in love until the infaturation stage is over. Now, you are proceeding cautiously, and you've already decided that you aren't going to sexualize the relationship. This is good, because it is the best defense against infatuation.

I didn't ask that as a hostile question, just in case you thought so. I was just trying to get your perspective on that. I know most people think you should "test drive the car before you buy it" but 2 couples I know waited for marriage, and they are 2 of the happiest couples I know. Is it just because of that? No, probably not. But I see them and know it is possible and they are very fulfilled. I think you can tell from other affection somewhat if someone is a sexual person, and likes sex and would be good at sex. I speak very openly on my views and my do's and my don'ts. I do see your point about infatuation and love. The giddy stage, the blinders stage, where the person can do no wrong, then either fizzles out or you establish a healthy love, where you realize the person isn't perfect but you still want to spend your time /life with them. Falling in love too fast- I just mean being sure I am in love - and not infatuated.

I didn't think you were being hostile, AG. You asked and I clarified.

I'm not suggesting that you change your value system. Yet, this statement:

"I think you can tell from other affection somewhat if someone is a sexual person, and likes sex and would be good at sex."

Is simply not true. You cannot know if someone is good at sex until you actually have sex with him/her. You can guess, but you cannot know. Did you ever hear the story about the Rollings Stones groupie who had a bad case for Mick Jagger? She just knew that this sexy man on stage had to be dyanmite in bed. Well, she got the opportunity to actually have sex with him and was terribly disappointed to learn that he was a lousy lover.

I didn't say test drive. I said have a GOOD sexual relationship and KNOW that you are compatible BEFORE you walk down the isle. I gaurantee you that those two couple you know who are happy aren't just happy because they waited until marriage. A good sexual relationship cannot by itself make a good marriage. On the other hand, a bad sexual relationship will almost always destroy a marriage.

Well, Ag, everyone has gone round and round with you on this. Sounds like you've made up your mind and we respect that. The answer to your original question: no, I do not know, nor have I ever known, no do I know anyone who has known, anyone to have a successful relationship with someone who has been divorced for so short a time.

You dodged on one of my red flag questions, stating that you had already covered it. Well, you really didn't.

Your sig reads:

"Holding off on dating because my picker is broken. I want to explore who I am, so that I can one day have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone who truly loves me. "

You are doing neither of these things. You wrote: "...because I was, and didn't intend to meet this person." What does meeting this person have to do with your goals for personal improvement? So again, have you fixed that broken picker? If not, how can you possibly know that you haven't picked the wrong man? Have you really explored who you are? You were doing these things, this guy comes along and now you put them in the past tense. Why? Do you think this man somehow magically fixed you? I'm not picking on you, AG. I believe your earnest, but reading back over this thread, I get the distinct impression that you're a bit foggy. I have to wonder if you are trying to convince us or yourself that you are doing the right thing pursuing this man.

I didn't know this was a thread of going round and round. I was asking for advice, I have generally heard to take it slow and not necessarily end it but don't get caught in the crossfire. I thought I was processing that information and doing what I felt was best with it. I didn't know I was dodging your statement either. That is a valid red flag. I don't feel you are picking on me. Nothing of meeting this person has anything to do with my goals for personal improvement. I STILL am in counseling, I STILL am reading books and my Bible and going to the Tony Robbins event this weekend in NY. I still am exploring me and who I am and who I want to be in all of this. I do not and certainly did not mean to even insinuate that someone magically fixed me. If there is one thing I HAVE learned it is that I cannot save anyone and they can't save me. I didn't know I needed to convince any of you for anything. I thought this was a message board of discussion. That is why I am being cautious of doing the right thing-making sure I and he are both at healthy points.

Good answer, AG. Just the one I was hoping you'd give.

haha. Good.

Hey I just wanted to give an update on here. I am not seeing the newly divorced anymore. haha. Ok my experience is it is too soon. Plus he had some maturity issues. I am not sure if these issues were due to the divorce or just him being immature, but I backed away. I also went to a Tony Robbins live event in NY, I don't know if any of you have heard of him but he totally rocked and I really was able to get past a lot of things and feel outstanding about myself and life! I am back on eharmony and talking to one guy, I am also talking to someone from Craigs List- I didn't know anything about Craigs List and someone else told me about it. There are some dirty crazy people on there IMVHO =) but this guy is hilarious and seems fun. I am excited about my future in a healthy relationship- I know now it can and will happen!!
Have a great night.
adgirl48

Oh, this warms my heart!

My goal is to have a family again - and I'm 47. My xw is 20 years younger, but I assumed that was a unique situation - that I'm not, in general, likely to be attractive to younger ladies. You've boosted my hope.

-AD