I am just curious as I watch from afar my spouse's behaviour. Now, most of you know my story. I was at one time working on a sep agreement but told my lawyer to hold on to it because I decided that if this is what h wants he can go ahead and do it and pay for it. He moved out July 12th to live with family friends. To my knowledge he has seen no attorney nor has he even started anything resembling sep papers or a divorce (of course he doesn't have grounds). I told him if he wanted it he had to pay for it. I am trying to understand this "fog" thing but I just cannot get how such an intelligent man could be so stupid these past few years. I have virtually no contact with him. He was flaming mad in August after all the exposing I did ( the military still has yet to talk with him after I exposed to them) but he seems to have calmed down from that.

He has sunk so low that I just cannot believe he doesn't care what is right and wrong anymore. He lies, he sneaks around, he disrespects the people he lives with my sneaking ow over there when they are not home. He has had the kids lie to me to cover for him (which I nipped in the bud darn fast), he introduced ow to my kids as a "friend" although she spent the day in a family type sitch (and the kids now need to start counseling now because they haven't been the same since seeing her and I told h if she was anywhere near them again I would take the kids from him permanently so he has not), he was trying to quit smoking but now he is not only smoking but using chewing tobacco as well (I am sure he is doing all this because he is stressed out a lot, gee wonder why) He goes to ow's all the time, has started doing some public things with her. we are not even legally separated but he doesn't care. In his mind it is ok because he moved out, the legalities don't matter. He has got to know that when and if I do go for divorce I can take him to the cleaners and get everything including the kids.

please tell me how an intelligent man can be sunk so low that nothing matters anymore, that even his kids are becoming hassle to him. they don't even usually want to spend the night with him anymore. She ok's all his behaviors, has no problem with his lying, etc, because she goes right along with it. Her family wants NOTHING to do with my h, won't even allow him on their property, same with my h's family about her. so.... former waywards, I don't get it, can you explain this to me??? I keep putting off going for divorce because he leaves for iraq in january and I would like to think his tour would change him for the better. Or that one of these days he is gonna wake up and see all he has lost and that it is all his fault. If you were to ask him he would probably tell you he loves ow, never loved me, and is blissfully happy. But don't believe he can be. can someone help me understand this? I just don't get it. She is the direct opposite of me. It is almost like he is reverting back to acting like he is 21 again, acting like a kid, listening to stupid music and thinking everything is funny and cool. and he is 31! I am going to college, building a better life, redoing the entire house, paint on outside, new roof and all. Almost back down to my goal weight, tanning, getting a tatto :-) and maybe a piercing. Being the adult. There is no comparison that I am the better person. why would someone want a liar cheater mental case like ow is? someone who doesn't even want kids but thinks she can play house with mine? he is about to lose everything and yet he still doesn't wake up. it is almost like a depression to me? help me understand! ,mlhb

ml...

Being in A has nothing to do with intelligence. Many people tell me that I am very intelligent ... I have a master's degree and was able to finish it in half the normal time (not that collecting degrees is necessarily a sign of intelligence). But I was very much the same way. My OM not nearly as mature and wonderful and handsome as my H, but yet I thought I was "in love" ... I allowed this man to meet my needs and didn't give my H that opportunity.

I can't say for certain when your H's "fog" will lift, but that is clearly where he is right now. He is not able to see clearly.

He may be a very smart man, but he is not allowing his intelligence to affect his actions and his decisions. He is being guided purely by emotion, but emotion doesn't last forever.

I posted this to Eav.

"As a FWW, I can tell you the remarks about aliens and fog, etc. are all accurate. I was definitely not all there when I was in my A. It's very hard to explain, but it is all too true.

Try to think of his A as a disease and all the things he is doing are his symptoms. In many ways, this analogy is very accurate. When you are in an A, it is not that you act horribly and feel justified doing so. You act horribly, but that is not your perception of it, unless the fog clears. Then, you feel awful. But, the fog (your brain's protective mechanism) is very powerful. This protection allows you to ignore your conscience and continue the A. Otherwise, your beliefs would not allow the A to continue. So, your brain protects you from the harsh reality of what you are doing.

Eav, you are seeing the man you love and thinking,"How can he act that way?" Can you accept that is not him right now? His brain is affected by the A/disease and will be until this mess is over.

Hope this helps a little."

I did not talk much with my friends at that time because I was ashamed of what I was doing (deep down).

I second that. It took me four months to tell anyone about it, and even then, I put such a spin on it to make it look like I wasn't doing anything wrong. And I only told two people ... people who I knew would tell me "I think you should try and work things out with you H, but I want you to be happy." I didn't dare tell anyone about it that I knew would call me on my actions.

It wasn't until just recently that I was finally able to own up to my actions that I was actually able to admit it to some of my friends. Even right after my H filed for D, I would just tell that piece of information to people but leave off the "why" which made him look like bad guy, when in reality he's not. I made the choice, and now I am having to deal with the fall out of my choices. That's not to say that I still don't hold on to the hope of reconciliation.

Your answers have helped me to understand so much clearer, thank you

People always told me that something good would come from this. I was hoping that it would be a better M, and maybe someday soon, it will. But for now, at least I know that the knowledge I have gained from my own stupid choices will help other people.