All the sudden reading all of these posts for several weeks by many bs. I feel very sickened.
Ok. my h has not even acted like this whole thing bothers him that much and he seems unwillling to change much yet...but, maybe it hurts him soooo bad that he doesn't know how or what to do yet???Even though he acts like he isn't and it is life as usual.. I know this has to be crushing!!!But here is the point...I totally betrayed him...emotionally and physically. that is disgusting.
who was I for a year?? Why do I give a crap about OM? That is rediculous. Bottomline... I am a betrayer for goodness sake. It doesn't matter what en were not fulfilled ...why was it all about me for a year?

Betrayal is betrayal there were better ways to cut through all the hurts of the marriage than to let someone else try and help me escape it.
Escape what?? What was I thinking?
Mflake I think you said..."OM isn't real...your husband is" How true is that???
Thank you folks...the light is filtering through and thank God I found this site.
I am sure I will still have my moments but I feel so much more hopeful and I think because regardless of any other issue... I have to own this huge wrong and work my...you know what off...and have the M he and I both want.

I figure that if he didn't want to be married to me he would have had a perfect excuse to cut and run now.. So when I say he doesn't seem willing to change some things maybe I just need to chill and be thankful that he didn't run or toss me out.

ww me-38
bs 47
dd 3
dd 10
married 14 years
no contact since 8-9-05/changed my number for extra nc
A lasted one year.

Brandi, You are welcome here. What a brave and strong person you are! I hope H sees the effort you're making and appreciates this change in you.

About your situation, don't be too hard on yourself, you're fixing past mistakes with good intentions. You're making good progress moving forward with your life with H.
I recommend the following inspirational posts for you:

A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

and

Dorry's Story

Many people, much wiser than I am, will continue to give you good advice on this web site. Please keep checking your posts.

Hugs,
Sally

Brandi

thank you for being willing to share. You give hope to somone like me that my H will one day realize that this was all a big mistake and be thankful (instead of hateful) because I haven't givin up on him or on our marraige.

you may have made some bad choices, but it sounds as though you are onthe right path now.

goodluck!

Brandi,

Welcome to MB's. You will find a lot of wonderful people here to help you through this.

As a BS it makes me feel good knowing that FWS are willing to share their side of the story. It helps us to understand some of what our WS'S are going through and it helps you to understand what your H is feeling.

Please keep posting and I wish you All the luck in the world in rebuilding your marriage and making it better than ever before....

hi brandi,

i was thinking of you this morning. wondering how you were doing. the good news is, even if you cannot change the past, you can become who ever it is you want to be now.

Brandi,

You can change and things can change! You did the first step in realizing what you have done and what Om really is!

Your H will probably still have a time where the anger hits him and hits him hard - he's probably still in shock and worried that you may still leave.

Continue to reassure him - this is where you want to be, and that you want HIM for who HE is and that you want this marriage to work.

Keep looking inside yourself - figure out how you allowed this to happen, make changes to protect your weakness, or coping skills, or whatever allowed yourself to get into this mess.

And remember, as you change, you are NOT your past, you are NOT that person. Learn to forgive yourself, learn to love yourself again.

Be there for your H - as he NEEDS you now to get through this.

And welcome to MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Brandi,

I highly advice you to buy and read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' as well as Dave Carder's book 'Torn Asunder'. Leave the books in plain sight so that your H has a chance to see that you are taking very seriously the saving/rebuilding of the marriage. His curiosity might even be piqued enough to start reading them and hopefully adopt the principles embodied in them.

Although there are more BS than FWS on these boards, there is plenty of emotional support for BOTH. And even your very presence can have a beneficial effect by giving hope to those BS whose WS have not come out of the fog.

But above all else, please remember that you and your H are NOT alone. We are here for BOTH of you.


TMCM

morning brandi

Brandi- thank you for your sincere post. I hope one day my WW wil wake up and come home, right now it's all about her and everytime she tries to speak with me she assumes I want to argue which is far from the truth. It's almost as if she just baits me. Your H is probably in shock and most of us men are not good communicators which got alot of us in here in the first place. Give him time and hopefully by your actions he will also "wake up" from this nightmare. Congratulations.

Thanks so, so much for the replies and support.

You have no idea how much I take to heart your advice and opinions even chastisement if I need it.

Question for anyone who can answer from either side of the fence??
I know you have no crystal balls out there but...Do you think my h isn't communicating with me because ...
A) he just wants to put it behind us/move on
B) he is just sooo hurt he doesn't know what to do/he doesn't act like it really.
C) he feels the emotional seperation right now like I do.
d) this was him prior to A and this is him post A.

I must add that he doesn't know a great deal of the A because it is his choice not to know. So, that maybe puts a little bit of glitch in answering my question. He doesn't know how emotionally attached I was...I do not wish to hurt him further by telling him things he'd rather not know.

I am going to counseling solo on Monday. Maybe c can help.

It is the emotional betrayal that kills me. I seperated myself emotionally from my h...

I am trying to get the connection back... It is difficult because I feel like I am still faking it around here for him and I. Is that where time is the healer comes into play?

I felt so great about myself at first because I finally changed my number to establish true NC. .. Wow how noble of myself... Then the pervasive feelings of "what did I do to my m" settled in.

I think withdrawal is going very well for me. I understand my allegiance is to my h and I must avoid OM at all costs.

Does it sound like I will be ok? I do get scared sometimes that I can never make it right. .


I read some MB material that stated that most people involved in A rarely have regrets.. How can that be?? It totally screws up your life... not only destroying my spouse but mentally and emotionally messing with my head.

Cannot thank you enough... I will stay in touch..especially may need support if m remains stagnate.
It is great to feel acceptance even when you know you totally screwed up.

Brandi9 (brand new me) It was selfishness that fed the big fat appetite of the Affair.
[
ww-me 38
bs-42
dd-10
dd-3
married 14 years
dday 4-29-05
last contact w/OM 8-09-05

Hi Brandi,

It is wonderful to hear when someone takes responsibility and realizes the effects of their actions. You are right that you need to work hard to repair the damage and build your marriage... but remember that this is not one sided. Your H, however, is probably not in a place yet to do what he needs to as it took both of you to get you to a place where the A was a possibility. Right now, patience is key. My WW has been very sensitive to my feelings since she got past the worst of the withdrawal, but even though I am feeling loved, I still find it hard at times to believe it is real. All kinds of feelings and thoughts are there. If I accept her back too easily, will it make it too easy for it to happen again? How do I know she is being truthful about her feelings? Is she just staying because of the kids? She felt so many negative thoughts about me during the affair, what is so different now? and why? and it keeps going...
Your H is going through so many emotions... loss, fear, anger, sadness, confusion, etc.. Keep reassuring him that you mean it and at some point he should be able to start to believe and trust. My wife asked me if I want her to tell me how sorry she is every day for the rest of her life. I told her it wasn't necessary, but I certainly appreciated the gesture.

In time, he will know that you are also hurting, but most of us, when we feel betrayed, take a while before we feel that the WS has a right to hurt. In reality, both people in the relationship are suffering and need to heal.
Continue to have faith.

Shaden

Bigwave..
I just read your reply. . Maybe you are right.. H just doesn't know what to do right now and thinks that if he keeps everything just the way it "was" we will normalize again.
Truth is...the way it "was" wasn't good. but, right now I am focusing on the here and now and not what used to be pre A.
It is so hard not to obsess the m right now.... I know I have to give things space and time. I will get the books suggested to me by coffeeman and work at this thing.I know my h forgives me... it is just the disconnect that I hate.

I feel a little guilty at times because even though I know this forum is for bs & ws...I feel selfish talking about what I did. I guess because it was such a selfish act. Thanks friends. My h knows I am on this forum all the time maybe he will get interested and look.

ww-38 me
bs-47
dd-10
dd-3
married 14 years
no contact w/OM since 8-09-05

Brandi - it is so nice to hear a WS actually want to learn so much and work so hard. I wish my H would say I am so sorry. He thinks buying me things and cating nice will work. Maybe for others but I need the words and have said so. I do not feel the emotional cnnection as he does not share his deep feeling with me any more. I am so happy for and and hope things work out for you. Best wishes.

Brandi, your H is a very lucky man for you to understand what you did and take the initiative to make things right.

If he is like me, he is confused, sad, hurt, angry, anxious and scared. Those are difficult emotions to deal with and sometimes it's easy just to build and emotional wall around the BS to protect oneself.

Make him feel safe. I can't speak for him, but this is what I would like from my WW:

1) Admit to EA with OM
2) Admit it was inappropirate and wrong
3) Tell me she wants to improve our marriage
4) Show me she is willing to improve marriage (i.e MC and meet EN)
5) POJA and Radical Honesty

Those would go a long way in my bood to restoring our marrige. Every BS is different, but I'm sure the emotions are all the same. He probably doens't know what to do right now. He needs your help.

Brandi- I don't want my marriage to go back to pre A, because I want it to be better. Now this will take time,patience and effort on both of your parts.