My wife left me on September 6, 2005. I will be out of town for several days, and she knows about it. She is planning on staying here while I am gone. I'm on plan B. She came over Sunday and asked how I felt about her coming back.

I said, "Why does that matter? You have taken lots of actions that hurt me without regard to my feelings. Why ask now? Do what you want."

She then quoted a list of things I would require of her as if she was negotiating terms. I said, "I am not going to tell you what you need to do. You just do what you think is the right thing to do. Until that time I will not discuss anything about our relationship with you."

Was I over the top? Was I being the taker? You have to understand that I have done plan A for 5 years, and not having her here has been great. No stress. Two of the three times she been here since, she stormed out in tears.

Tell me what you think.

5 years is too long for Plan A. Since you're in Plan B, why are the two of you even talking? Also, since you're in Plan B, not a good idea to let her stay at your place while you're gone. I think Plan B is to help reality sink in. And let her sink into reality.

From what I read, you are detatching. That is good. you can deal from a position of indifference and strength.

Well, this isn't textbook MB, but I'll throw in that my style of Plan B did involve contact. I know, MB says that isn't Plan B. With Plan B, you just go dark, and they don't know WHAT you're thinking after the NC letter is sent. I didn't do a NC letter, but I recited Dr. Dobson's almost word for word on the phone one night when the time was right.

With my Plan B, I did what you did. When he wanted to talk about the R, I said "There isn't anything to talk about. You've made your decision, you sound final, and I don't think I have to endure the pain of you listing everything I did wrong in the marriage anymore. It's over."

It was extremely effective. It wasn't a ploy on my part either though. I meant it, both times. Both times had the same effect, him ending the A almost immediately and coming home. This last time for good I hope. It's been 6 months.

Maybe sometimes you have to do what feels right, and if a "more verbal" plan B is what is working, maybe it's okay. Just MHO, but it worked for us.

I would not allow her to stay at the house. As my attorney told me, this event is the time when the most privacy violations occur and fights happen. She reviews your call log, your mail, your email, your bills, the new CD you bought, the groceries you bought, heck any stupid thing can start a fight when you are in this stage.

We had a couple of short conversations when she showed up at the house. And you are right, 5 years is too long for plan A. It really was two or three courses of plan A, and I wasn't very good at it. She was very good at saying what I wanted to hear and concealing the renewed contact.

Hey, my life is an open book.

She can snoop, but she won't find anything to fight over. I can't really tell her she can't stay at the house, as it belongs to her as well.

I can only suggest that she stay away. But if she decides to stay at the house, I need to figure out where I can live, and then we will be in a textbook plan B.

Thanks for the advice.