This is not a conventional Plan B letter, as my situation is different.

Basically H has been wanting a divorce for 9 1/2 months and left us (me and our three-year-old) in May. I was posting on GQII and Divorce/Divorcing boards, so if you have time, you may be able to read my story (it's long though, sorry!)

Initially he wanted to see how the separation goes, but now he is convinced that all of his unhappiness and misery in the past was caused by me, and he wants to move on. I have been reading a lot about midlife crisis, and it seems to me H has (1) sex/love addiction, (2) depression, and (3) midlife crisis. Apparently when one is in MLC, he tends to get depressed and to escape into substance abuse as well. So this seem to explain all of H's problems.

His complaints to me in a nut shell are: I never showed my love to him strongly, I was not affectionate, I never initiated sex, I priortized my career, I criticized H too much too often, I was too controlling, etc.

They are not untrue. Of course I had reasons why I behaved that way (H was lazy, not helping me out, never keeping his promises, always cursing, always staring at other women, etc.), still now looking back I could have handled these situations better, instead of just nagging him.

Anyway H says it is too late and he is already 37 and just wants to move on with his life. He said he wants to find a woman who can make him happy. He also said he may not be the "marriage" kind, as he does not like too much responsibility and one thing absolutely worked as a trigger for his wanting a divorce was my wanting to have another child. H absolutely did not want to have another one. H felt I was selfish to want to have another one while H is having so many personal issues. That time I did not understand the significance of his addictions and depression. So I probably pushed him to the edge.

Anyway, our situation does not seem to be improving. Actually it is worsening, as H is now used to living alone and seems to be enjoying his "bachelor" life.

So this is different from most of the affair related problems posted here, but I feel I may have to just move on. But I do not want to just file for divorce. I feel that at least I should give this letter to him (and I know, once I did that, I really have to stick to it!). It may not work. But at this point maybe I have nothing to lose, as H is so determined to divorce. Nothing has been filed yet, but that is simply b/c H is worrying about legal costs I think. H did contact a mediator but I am not sure if anything is happening.

Here is my letter. Please read and give me feedback.... THANKS!!!!!

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Dearest Ketchup,

This is a toughest letter I have ever written.

I have truly loved you more than anything and believed in our strong love. I have been through most agonizing moments I ever experienced in life since you said you would like to end our marriage. My love for you is so deep that I simply could not imagine my life without you.

We were the first serious partner for each other and we learned and experienced so many “first” things together. We grew up together in a sense, and I loved that we could talk about how “kids” we were when we first met. One thing I have always been proud of about our relationship was it is pure. Like you said many times in the past, it was a puppy love and we were just innocently and purely in love. We enjoyed the same food, traveling, culture, dogs, jokes, many things in life, and we were just comfortable with each other. We also have accomplished a lot together, supporting each other and I am very proud of that. You and I have come a long way and become soul mates. Ketchup, you and I had some very wonderful times together.

As you have pointed out, yes, we did fight a lot, and our marriage was by no means perfect. I am particularly very sorry for not understanding your emotional needs and what you were going through. I always thought by fighting we were letting out our emotions and it was healthy. I am sorry we were not on the same page on this. If I could go back and change some of the hurtful arguments or comments, I would Ketchup. I am sorry I cannot do that. But I have learned a lot and truly feel that now I am equipped with more wisdom that I needed in handling those confrontational situations in the past.

Finding out about your marijuana addiction and sex addiction was extremely hard. I could not comprehend at first, as you remember. Finding your love letter to XXX many years ago and again finding your letter to YYY last fall tortured me. And you made a comment that every time you were changing your jobs, you were always in “love” with someone else and that is how you were handling your stress in the hindsight. These comments just haunted me and I had many sleepless nights. I did not know what else to trust.

However, I have forgiven you. We cannot change the past. I would like to focus on what we can do from this point on.

I realized that I have been trying to hold you against your will. You made the decision – you want out of the marriage. You believe you will be happier alone, and I have to let you go. It’s been extremely painful for me and DS3, I have to admit, but we are going to make it. We have survived thus far and we will survive again. You are free to go.

Ketchup, you were my first true love and you will always have a special place in my heart. I will never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and know that you will overcome your addictions and find peace.

Love,
MILK

Any suggestions or opinions about my plan? Thanks!!

This is not a conventional Plan B letter, as my situation is different.
I doubt it is much different. I think that you simply do not know all of what is going on.

Thanks for your reply Chris. Well I am really not sure Chris. Some may think in the end this is the same but a different variation of MB case. But some may believe the MB approach mat not work in my case since H has some personal issues, such as SA. Although I am really not sure how much his addiction is impacting our relationship. In my mind, if anything, his depression and midlife crisis are playing a larger role here - and maybe SA thing is just something came along with the package (yikes!).

Anyway, I was reading svb1's thread over the GQII board, and I wonder if my case is similar to hers. There are a lot of signs that my H could be cheating me, but I can never be sure. He has said that he wants out b/c he has been so miserable because of me for the past 10 years or so.

Some say sending this letter is ineffective as H would not hear anything I am saying in my letter. What do you think?

I would appreciate any suggestions you might have.

Okay, if I have to be honest with myself, I am not ready to let go. I am still hoping that we can work out our marriage. But I may never be ready to let go. I have to at some point, right? That is why I wrote this letter, but maybe I should wait a bit longer to see how things will pan out...?? Although I honestly do not think anything would change in my favor (if anything H might become very happy by meeting someone special!). H is more and more detached from me.

I agree with Chris that your situation doesn't sound very different from many on MB. Yours isn't a conventional Plan B letter, but it's Dr. Dobson's letter and it is what I delivered verbally instead of in writing and it was very effective at turning him around (less than a week both times). BUT, you have to mean it. You can end up D after such a letter. But usually once the cage door swings open, the natural response is the WS questioning if they really want to be released. I assume you modeled it after "Love Must Be Tough" but if you found it here at MB on a post, you will want to read Dr. Dobson to fully see his rational for using this format.

Best of luck.

Thanks NotTooLost. Yes, I am terrified that my letter will further push him away and we will end up divorcing. But at the same time, I am not sure if I will EVER be completely ready for it. Then am I supposed to be in this limbo forever? That is why I wrote the letter. But I am still not sure WHEN I should give it to him.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

I invited H for dinner and as expected, he decined my offer. He decided, instead, to get together with guys he got to know through the SA group counseling. They are all divorced/separated, so now H says that divorce is not a big deal. He said everyone does it.

I really feel that our marriage is over. Just the tone of his voice is so cold and I can tell he has no feeling whatsover for me. He has no intention of working on our marriage.

I am scared but have to move on. How do you overcome your fear? How do you force yourself to move on?

Once you determine that you will survive either way, and really become okay with the worst case scenario that you fear, then the fear loses its grip.

For me it was (1) faith that God had this in His hands (2) surrender control of everything (my WH, my kid's future, my finances, my M) and (3) realizing that as Dr. Phil says "they can kill me but they can't eat me." I don't know EXACTLY what that means <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> but I like it anyway. You get the drift.

The only reason I would inviting your H to anything, even a conversation, is to deliver the letter. Otherwise, don't pressure or request one moment of his time. (Adds to his feeling of being trapped.)

Hello Milk,

It's so normal to be afraid of letting go and moving on. Everyone though (eventually) comes to grips with the finility of certain things.

I hope and pray you receive a definite outcome when you deliver the letter. At least it IS an outcome.

My Dad had a saying that releases me from the terror of change: "Experience is what you get when you DIDN'T get what you wanted." It's held true for when I lost my job in '97, divorced in '94, and sold my company for a loss in '99. And now several NEW betrayals in 2005.

Now I have *Experience*...yippeee.

OPO

OPO, I just love that quote - have you put it on the MB quotables list? It should be!

I love the quote as well. My old belief was "no experience is a waste". I wished at the beginning I DID NOT have to go through this, but now actually I am in a way glad that I am experiencing this. I have learned a lot and the whole thing made me think a lot about relationships and marriages, and even if we end up divorcing (well it looks like a 99% chance there), this is going to make me and DS3 stronger, and we will know what is the most important thing in life.

It hurts like crazy though!

The school of suffering graduates exceptional scholars.

(from Streams in the Desert, July 19)...

...I think I can graduate from the school of suffering with honor.

When people are in Plan B, how do you not to think about your M and your spouse? I haven't said or given the letter to H yet, but was seriously considering it today. And I realized that I may panic once I do that. And I want to make sure I am strong enough to follow through. I can't even stop thinking about our M and H, even though I am trying to keep myself busy. How do you do that?

Dearest Milk,

I am truly sorry you are going through this.

You just go 1 day at a time. If a day seems too much then an hour. If an hour seems too much than 15 mins. God wants us to trust him for all of our needs. He will give you what you need when the time comes.

When i feel I can't go another minute, I release it back to God. He is in control not me.

It really does work. After awhile it isn't as hard you don't think of him as often.

Love,

Thank you VTY for your kind words.

I realized that at this point, H is truly gone. H said he does not love me. H said this to me several times now. H was hoping by him moving out, he could somehow get his old feelings for me back, but that did not happen. H just wants to move on. He wants to start fresh.

I have to let him go. That is the only option I have. Yet it is extremely hard. I had no idea that rejection hurts this much.

We need to talk about divorce process, and it's been a long time since we first attempted the talk. We cannot continue to live like this, and I understand that. I know we have to do it, and H has tried so many times but I ended up talking about reconciliation (I am so WEAK! I swore that I would not bring up the R talk, but I always ended up crying and talking about our M...). I know this has to stop. I am only frustrating H further. Nothing good is going to come out of such situation. Yet, doing so for real is another story. I never knew I was such a weak individual.

My happiness should not depend on my husband. Just b/c my life is not going the way I planned or assumed, I cannot feel I will not have anything left in my life. I know this. But again, I do not know how to get stronger.

I have been praying every day, every morning, every evening and every night. I asked God to guide me through. I asked HIM for strength. But also, I cannot help myself but to ask God to bring my H back..., I know by praying I feel like that might happen and I set my hope up, and every time I hear hurtful words from H such as "I just don't love you, I don't have fun with you, I want to move on, you just have to accept that", I get really disappointed. This is a bad cycle.

Thank you for listening.

Milk

Dearest Milk,

We all are weak.
It is not about praying for strength to go on.

It is about releasing a situation that you can not control to God and asking him to take care of it no matter what the out come is, knowing and trusting that he will do what is best for you.

This is where faith in God's promises comes in. Look up Romans 8:28.

We know what we want and how we think it should work out,but by not releasing our burdens to God, we are saying we know what is best and we are just asking God to do it for us. Kind of like Santa Claus.

I do understand how you are feeling. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for our marriage and ask God to open my H's heart to me again. But I know that if that doesn't happen, I am being tested and I will pass.

The lesson I needed to learn will allow me,(with God's grace)to have a much more fulling relationship in the future.

I do believe that Plan B is what you should consider doing.

"If you continue to do what you always do,
you will continue to get what you always get"

To expect different results from doing the same thing would be ridiculous.

you are in my prayers,

Thank you VTY.


This is what I have been struggling with. Initially, I felt that since H and I have spent so many years together, there has to be something that I can do to "influence" H's way of thinking. I just could not simply release it to God.

Then, the more I understand H really wants to move on without me, I somewhat accepted the fact that H had fallen out of love, but still, I could not face the future w/o him and kept fighting.

Now I feel that nothing is going to change H's mind, I pray to God to guide me through. Still, I have a hard time just to say "okay, no matter what happens, I will trust your decision and I will be okay". I know I am going to be okay, I am not doubting God about this at all. Things happen for reasons, and I am okay with that as well. It is just that..., I guess it is still hard for me to truly convince myself that if D does indeed happen, then that must be the best thing for me. God hates divorce, then why would D be the best thing for me?

Especially when I think of DS3, I don't understand - why would God punish DS3 for H's sins and my sins? Obviously we both fell short and that is why this is happening. So if D has to happen, and I have to suffer, maybe that is the way for me to learn things. But DS3 has done nothing wrong. Why does he have to suffer?

Though, I am trying to think like this: maybe b/c of this hard experience, DS3 may become a very strong person who truly understands the importance of family staying together and when he grows up, he will not do anything irresponsible. Who knows, if he grows up in a family with his daddy and mommy, he may end up growing up spoiled.

At the same time, I know the statistics show that kids from divorced families are more likely to end up divorcing themselves. I just feel so bad when I think of all of this. Poor DS3, and I keep apologizing to him and praying God that DS3 will find peace and happiness.

DS3 and I pray together now and it is so cute to see him copying me and pretending to say something while he is putting his hands together.

At the end of the day, I am grateful, however. I have DS3, and he is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

H apparently told his brother "Jesus told me to divorce Milk". This clearly shows how convinced H is (I do believe that H truly believes God is telling him that he is doing the right thing). H thinks I am not good for his mental health (b/c I was always nagging), which led him to do all sorts of stupid things (smoking marijuana, watching porn, having EA numerous times, getting arrested by following attractive women on the street), and he needs to get away from me. If he is this convinced, there is nothing I can do to change his mind. His brother of course told him that cannot be true as God hates divorce, and tried to teach him the bible, but then H said "I don't have to believe what you believe".

I am a slow learner, I guess - I am finally accepting the fact H is really not in love with me anymore, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I am finally trying to release this to God (even though it can still be hard at times). I am really grateful that there are so many people fighting for their marriages and they are helping each other. I am learning a lot on this board as well.

Again, thanks for your encouragement VTY.

Milk

Dear Milk,

I understand your fear of divorce. I am afraid too.

In Plan B you are not divorcing him,you are laying down the ground rules and taking back control of your and DS3's Life. Your H may divorce you, and you have to be prepared for that, but I believe it would happen if you were in plan B or not.

God is not punishing DS3.

God does not punish us for our sins. He forgives us of our sins, but that does not mean that we are able to escape the consequences of our sin.
If I murder someone and I repent and ask God to forgive me he will, but I still have to go to trial and I may spend the rest of my life in jail.

Milk, I have to wonder what kind of an example ypur H ha been setting for DS3.In your plan B letter you said he had a sex addiction,been arrested, and marijuana addiction.

Is it possible that God is protecting DS3?

Yes, God hates divorce and you know that Jesus did not tell him to divorce Milk.

But God did create your H with free will, which means your H can reject him. Which is what he seems to be doing right now.

I would reread Love must be tough and think about how it applies to your situation.

With Love,
VTY