Thanks VTY. One thing I need to improve is my own weakness and dependency on other people around. I was very close to (I still am) my parents, especially to my mom, and it was very hard to come all the way across the Pacific Ocean to marry to H 12 years ago. Then I grew very attached to H. That is why it's been so hard for me to process the idea that I would have to live without him. After our son was born, my life became all about him. I love him beyond any words can exprss and miss him so much every time H has him during the weekend. I am bleeding all over. I don't understand why I, the mother of the child, must be forced to spend time with my own son just b/c H wants to get our of our M. It does not seem fair at all.

But there is nothing I can do about it. And I am trying to think that these might be signs that I need to learn to be more independent and learn to be happy w/o H and even w/o DS3. It's incridibly tough, but since I have no choice, I have to think positively.

Thanks for listening.

Milk

Dear milk,

We are all weak.
God knows that and loves us always.
HE is the one that will never leave us or forsake us.

You will be happy without your H.
Even DS3 will grow up and lead his own life.

God desires to be the first priority in your life, before your H,your M,even DS3.

God wants us to be dependant on him not independent.
Because we are weak and imperfect,Jesus gave his life for us. God gives us friends to support us and us to support them. We all have our burdens.

Do you have a loving Church family?

God will not give your more than you can bear. He just wants us to trust him. He will do what is best for you. Stand firm in your faith and be obedient.

Your H needs to realize that you are not the cause of his problems. He is causing his own problems. But while Milk is around, he can blame you instead of facing his own weakness and sin.

Are you going to Plan B?

With love,
VTY

Thank you VTY. I just replied but lost my post!

I was having a very hard time the past three days and have been crying, but am trying to stop that. Crying and being depressed would not solve anything, unfortunately, and will only do my mental health harm.

H does not even look me in the eyes. I was cleaning up the basement and found old pictures of him and us. I broke down that time, but again, I am trying to put myself together.

I am not doing Plan B yet. I feel I need just a bit more time before taking any drastic step.

Thanks for listening VTY.

Love,
Milk

Oh Milk,
I am so sorry. I go through the same thing with pictures.
Sometimes I cry just because.
When did he stop looking you in the eyes?

Have you ever talked to Steve Harley?

I have an appt with him next week.

You are in my prayers.

VTY

A week after H moved out, he started avoiding eye contact. So it's been a long time.

I spoke to SH twice, but at this point I really don't there is anything anyone can do. H decided on D, has no feelings whatsoever for me, and brain washed himself (by believing he heard God's voice to divorce me). There is nothing that can be done!

I hope your phone consultation with SH would go well and you find it helpful.

Love,
Milk

Dear Milk,

I think a good strong Plan B will help you.If nothing can be done then plan A is done.

I think you should look at the sample letters in "love must be tough" and tweek your Plan B letter. Then post on GQII before you give it to him.

I'm curious though,what were your sessions with Steve H like? What sort of things did he recomend?

Extra prayer for you tonight,
Love
VTY

Dear Milk,

re: I don't think there is anything anyone can do.

God is the only one who can. Release it to him and know he will do what is best for Milk, DS3 and even for WS.


re: Nothing can be done.

Yes, something can be done. It's called Plan B and only Milk and God can do it together. Fear of loss can be very motivating or hold you captive.

If WH thinks he lost you, he may rethink his actions.
(Fear of Loss for WH)

Milk is afraid of loosing H completely so she doesn't want to plan B. She won't be able to get her WS "fix".
(fear of loss for Milk)

So the M dies.

The time will come when you will be so hurt, so angry, hate him so much,you will not ever want his love or anything else yet because of DS3 you still will have to be in contact with him.

This will not be good for DS3 at all. He will feel caught,trapped betwwen the 2 people he loves the most.

Talk to God. Ask him for guidance and peace about it.

We will be here for you when you are ready.

with love,
VTY

P.S. He won't look you in the eyes because he feels guilty.
He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he wants to do it anyway.

Thank you VTY.

I was doing okay Thursday and Friday, but am down today. I want H to love me and miss me so badly.

Dear Milk,

I replied to you yesterday but I lost my post.
We all want our H's to love us, that's why we are here.
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling down.

with love,
VTY

Thank you VTY. This past weekend was very difficult for me. And DS3 must have sensed it when I was thinking about H. He kept saying things like "I want my daddy and mommy together okay, Mama?" or "I want to go to Papa's house with you", or "Why my daddy is not here?", etc. Those words really hurt me badly.

H called Sunday morning and since DS3 answered, he spoke to him and didn't even ask for me. Then in the evening he called and left a message ONLY FOR DS3. He could care less about me. If I die, he would probably be happy b/c he can get DS3 and does not have to go through the expensive divorce process.

Like VTY, I believe in releasing it to God. The trouble is, I'm always trying to take it back. I'm so eager to know what my role is in His grand plan. I know that either my marriage is going to recover and be better than we ever could have imagined or that He has something and someone better in mind for me. I feel I have received little signs along the way telling me to "hang on". I'm hanging on one more month. If you're having good days and bad days, I think that is great. I was hour by hour and now can have a whole day without crying. I have faith that all the evil will be turned for the good of me and my unborn child.

Dear Milk,

VTJG is right. It is good that you are having good days and bad days. Sometimes for me it is hours, but once I release it all to him, then God will give peace again.

I would rather be in God's will than have my H back and not be in his will. God tells us to trust him in the bible. But I want to be in control. It is a struggle for me to be obedient always. But when I am it works out better.

When DS3 asks about Daddy I know that breaks your heart. It does mine just reading it. Tell you wish he was here too, but Daddy is vey confused right now. Then ask DS3 if he would like to pray for Daddy.

Have you prayed about plan B?

You both will be in my prayers tonight.
with love,
VTY

Thanks VTJG and VTY.

I am very tired. Tired of getting hurt and depressed and sad and hopeless. I am angry at H. He wants it all. He wants the easy way out. All what he cares about is himself. There is no justice. I know you would say there is, but I haven't seen one. Just b/c H had a rough childhood, it does not give him the right to screw up his own son's life either.

This is a desease passed on to generations to generations. Why was I born and did I go through all of those years of being good (in most part) and working hard? To have my husband leave me and my child? And to see my son gets hurt? Selfish people prosper, I swear, from my experience. They get everything they want. And we want to believe there is justice and they will suffer later. They don't. I can just see H getting remarried to someone much younger and have kids later on, whereas I am left alone with my son whom I have to SHARE with my husband and I won't be able to have my own kids I can keep to myself b/c by the time (if that ever happens) I meet someone and remarry, I will be too old to have kids. How fair is this???

I don't like the Americal laws that make it easy for those who want to divorce and still be able to see their kids often.

Oh, today was a bad day for you.

I am glad to see you starting to get angry. THat will make plan B that much easier for you.

I don't like the American laws either. THey make divorce too easy.

Yes, they will suffer later.

Psalm 73:12 - 13
Behold, these are the wicked;and always at ease they increase in wealth.
Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure and washed my hands in innocence.
Psalm 73:16 - 17
When I pondered to understand this, it was troublesome in my sight.
Until I came to the sanctuary of God; then I precieved their end.
Psalm 73:19-20
How they are destroyed in a moment!
They are utterly swept away by sudden terrors!
Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when aroused, you will despise their form.
Psalm 73:23 - 24
Neverthless, I am contiually with you; you have taken ahold of my right hand.
With your counsel you will guide me, and afterward recieve me to glory,

With love always,
VTY

Thanks VTY. I have been having bad days these days. Don't know why. I feel like I sense (?) H's feelings or thinking sometime - b/c when I felt like I wanted to file for divorce, H called and talked about it. One time right before H moved out, I had this really sad feeling about all of this and H called at my work crying and basically he was really sad too.

I think I am having bad days the past week or so, b/c I really feel H has made up his mind about D and does not have any warm feelings towards me left anymore..., even though we haven't really talked since H moved out, I feel the change and that makes me feel very sad.

When I look at H now, he is a different person and I do not want such self-centered, cold-blooded person back in my life. But that does not make it any easier for me, b/c then I really feel like the person I used to know is dead, and that is very sad too.

I know I am not the only one going through this feeling like this, but just do not seem to be able to get over such great loss.

Dear Milk,
I do understand your pain. I truly believe you need to move to plan B. But you seem to be afraid. Your plan A is not working anymore. It's done all it can do.

Did Steve H tell you to go to plan B?

You know from being here at MB that Plan B is as much for you as it is for him.

You need a break from this.
Plan B will give you some peace and will put you back in control of your life and DS3's life.

You are right. He is not the man you married right now.

Pleaae pray about this and let God take control.

You will have all the support you need.

Your are in my prayers tonight,
VTY

VTY,

You are probably right, and so far people have recommended Plan B or D, actually. I spoke to SH long time ago (July, I believe), and that time he was telling me to do "modified Plan B".

I think I am going to file for D, rather than going into Plan B. With DS3, a complete Plan B is very difficult, and in a way, we have a minimum contact now anyway, and I do not see how that would impact H in any way. I need to secure my financial positions, and Plan B will not do that.

DS3 and I are going on a trip for three weeks from the end of this month, and I do not think doing any legal work now, right before we will be gone for long time is a good idea, so I will address the issue when we come back from the trip.

Of course I do not want a divorce, but it seems it is the only option I have, and I do not wish to live in a limbo like this for too long. H kept talking about D, so next time he brings up the subject, I will not fight. I will just go along with him.

Also I was thinking a lot these days - EVEN IF H comes back now, it will not work out, b/c he truly believes I have caused all the unhappiness which resulted in his "acting out". If he has the mentality, of course our M is going to fail. I have contributed to a lot of problems in our M, but he cannot use me as an excuse for him to smoke marijuana or to have sex addiction. That has to be a separate issue, and he TRULY needs to take ownership of that. I will work on myself and try my best to improve our relationship from my end, but addictions are H's problems, and regardless of how unhappy he might have been or he might still be in the future, he has a choice NOT to engage in any of these unhealthy behaviors. I want H to be a stronger person.

So until H truly feels bad about what he has done and how he blamed me for his issues, there is no M. And unfortunately, at this point, since H is so convinced that I am the cause of all the bad stuff, I do not see much hope there. So I cannot keep wasting my time with FALSE HOPE that he would snap out of it. He won't.

So I will talk to my lawyer once we come back from the trip. I am scared, but I have to.

Dear Milk,

Just for the H**L of it why don't you go into Plan B before your trip? If I was going to be gone and unavailable I would. You can see your lawyer when you return. You will be in control of your life again not wondering if he will call or miss you when you are gone.

You are right about the drug and sex addictions. He needs to deal with those himself with out you.

As for me I had my session with Steve. He told me to get a decision from my H and to try again to get him to go to counseling. He still refuses to go and said he doesn't belive he can be happy with me. He really hurt me.

So I cried and tried to bargin with him to go. All the things Dr. Dobson said not to do in love must be tough. Now he will not answer my calls again.

I am not going to try to contact him anymore. I am just going to let God handle it. So I guess I am going into a type of plan B.
I will not be talking toto Steve H for 2 more weeks, unless I move up my appointment.

My H's parents will be comming home next week and he will have to move out of their house where he has been staying when they get back.
Sorry, this is so long.
I will be praying for you and DS3.
love,
VTY

Thanks VTY. I just found out H filed for divorce and I will get the paperwork today. I am not having a great day at all. Even though H kept insisting he wanted a D, I hoped he would not have a gut to pull the trigger. H made the decision. He chose NOT to love me and chose NOT to keep this family together.

Dear Milk,
I am so sorry. I can't stay on line right now I'll talk to you later tonight.
VTY