I know that my H feels like he can't ever trust me again. I destroyed his trust when I had the A. And then when things got rough between my H and I, and I called the OM (several times, not just once), I know that I destroyed all that I had worked to build. But if you know my story, you know that it has taken me this long for the fog to have lifted and for me to be honestly sincere in my repentance. I didn't understand anything about MB principles, but now I do.

While I know that, with my knowledge and my heart where it is, I can be trusted, a little at a time, how do I get my H to see this? He wants out because he is tired of all the pain (and I don't blame him for that because I have caused him quite a bit of pain).

So my question is for all of the BS out there. What can a FWW wife do to show her BS that she wants to earn his trust back?

I am a FS and my answer to would to make sure you are
accountable for your time away from home....since there isn't any trust - the worry for me is the time un-accountable.

Chat

Knowing that you destroyed his trust is the very first step, congratulations! Start with the little things by trying to understand his feelings. My WS tells me she understands how much she hurt me, my response has been that how can you know, because before the A I would never have predicated I would be in this much pain! I have been trying to get her to read Dr. Harley’s materials to help both of us and for her to understand how and why I feel like I do and for her to get past her feeling of betrayal.

Keep telling him you love him, are in-love with him and that you are sorry for what you did. If you can be honest with him…Tell him that you well be honest at all cost. That might mean you are going to have to tell him something’s that might hurt you, but clearing the air is the best thing you can do.

I think you both need to work on what needs you are meeting and those that need improvement.

Good Luck

All of my time is really "unaccountable" to him because he moved out. I am doing my best to start accountability though. I e-mail him a weekly schedule of where I will be when I am not at home, and an alternate phone number where I can be reached in case of emergencies. From what I have been told, this is a good practice in M anyway, so if I start practicing now, by the time he comes back to me (if he comes back), it will be more of a habit.

I have read four of Harley's books, and I have tried to get my H to read them as well. I know that he started three of them (Surviving and Affair, Love Busters, and His Needs Her Needs), but I am not sure if he ever finished any of them, as, again, he is not living at home and we never see each other.

I tell him that I love him every chance that I get, and he says he loves me to. If I say that I am in love with him, his response is usually something like "I know." I have been honest with him about things that happened in the A, so he is not in for any big surprise anymore. I think that may have something to do with why he wants a D ... the pain was just too much. He has told me that he is depressed, and I want to help him through that. But I can't help him if he won't let me, and he won't let me near him (emotionally or physically) if he doesn't trust me.

You have let him know you want to recover. Now it is up to him to let you know the same. Don't smother....give him his space to appreciate your efforts. Unless it is reciprocated recovery can't start.

Be patient. You don't really have any other choice. Can't cram recovery down his throat.

Read His Needs/Her Needs again. Learn how to communicate with him as he can handle not as you can handle it.

L.

Cinnymd,

I’m not a BS, but I underneath are two threads you might find helpful. There are some good guidelines and suggestions in it:

Article: What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile

When "Sorry" is Not Enough

Blessings,
Suzet