What would you do if after many years of recovery your FWS tells you that there was more to the A than they told you there was originally? Examples: it was PA instead of a EA, it was not a ONS, it was more than once but not during recovery...

Why on God's earth would they years later say something so hurtful? I am sooo sorry that this happened. I for one would not want to know. But more importantly I would question why inflict any further pain. Are you in counseling?

Guilt and trying to do the right thing, finally.

Isn't it about radical honesty?

(((CamMan)))

Well there's no need for me to chime in on the question for I made my point of view abudantly clear before. I guess the question I have for you, is where do you go from here? We can analyze your wife's reaction till the cows come home and frankly that's of little value.

Her pain, her reaction, and her feelings are valid and are how she is choosing to deal with the situation at hand. And honestly, I pretty much agree with them as I've previously stated. So with that knowledge, what are you going to do about it?

If she wants a divorce, she will get one. You are not obligated to help her do so. Look at where your power resides, it doesn't reside in questioning whether her reaction was valid, it resides in you working on you, the one person in this equasion that you can control.

it took me 10 months to be able to face everything and be able to tell my H. He was very kind when he knew that i had more to tell him. That helped me tell him everything. now there is nothing between us.

If my H was to tell me everything, I would be happy. One of the reasons that we are not really recovered is because he has never admitted to anything other than the one night stand.

He has never express remorse, although he apologized for hurting me.

I pretty much have figured out a lot, so I doubt if any of what he might tell me would be any worse than what I already think.

I did tell him at the one counseling session he attended with me that if he told me the whole truth, we could work through it. I also told him that if I learned the truth from someone else, I would divorce him.

I feel for you in your situation. And maybe my viewpoint is skewed because I've been both WS (once) and BS (twice)...

But I have learned that honesty is PARAMOUNT in a relationship. And I respect honesty. Just as much as I respect the feelings of hurt, and betrayal. It doesn't mean I have to LIKE it, but regardless, they are to be respected.

I almost wish my exH had admitted to his first A. He will admit to WANTING to do something with her. But he has not (and probably will never) admit to the real deal. It was a wedge between us since we were engaged. It changed me. It changed him. And after that, we just fell downslope.

So I respect you. I don't think what you did (hiding it for that long) was necessarily right. But I respect you for owning up to the truth and telling the TRUTH.

If your W doesn't find it in her heart to respect you or to forgive you, at least you know that you did the right thing by telling her. And then (unfortunately), the decision is up to her.

We all pay consequences for our actions. But our actions also tell us something about ourselves and our situations. You have learned from all this. Take that and be proud. Regardless of the outcome of your M.

((((CM))))
To hear WS reveal something new, opens old wounds. But maybe thats a good thing. Maybe she feels safer now to let more of the truth out. It seems WS will admit to the minimium they have to because it is difficult to face the enormity of what they have done.

Not that you shouldn't be hurt by this new information,but deal with it as you have the rest. And be glad she felt safe enough to trust you with more details. I'm sure your response will let her know if its safe to reveal further. As BS I don't think we will ever know the whole truth i.e. the details of every conversation, or the details of intamacies they shared. There may always be something "new" that springs to her mind. I hope that you can get to a place where she can share the information with you and you can comfort and reassure each other.

That's a place I'd like to be. My WH doesn't trust me yet with ANY details of A.

Confused,

Maybe I am wrong, but I think CM is the FWS in the relationship. I think he finally told his FBW the truth about an A that was many (10?) years in the past.

Again....I could be remembering wrong.....

ooops....see I am confused afterall. Ok change the gender roles and forget what I posted. Sorry

Actually, Confused,

I think what you said was very valid. It is what many BS's wish would happen. Then there are some BS's (like my exH) where the truth is too much to process.

I truly believe that some people can 'work through' infidelity, while others can't. I don't know if it is like this in all situations, but in mine, the reason my exH couldn't work through ours was because he didn't have the capability to forgive.

I don't hold that against him. It came with his upbringing. And it was a theme throughout his life. His parents even held it against him that they had to spend XYZ amount of dollars for him to have special testing done in the hospital when he died for 2 minutes in college! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I think it is an incredibly difficult thing to learn to forgive. Particularly the hard things. So I have much respect for any BS who can find it in their heart to forgive the WS....or even work toward it.

I don't know CM's W. So I can't say what she is or is not capable of. But if she cannot forgive, then she just cannot. And that will hurt. But it is what it is. And CM will have to live with whatever decision she makes.

But life goes on....and it does not necessarily need to be horrible either. Maybe it's not what we want...but it's a consequence of the choices we made. And all we can do is learn from them.

Forgiveness I think comes from experience. I made some foolish choices way before I was married. I tried to hide these choice from my family...lived a double life. Finally when I realized I was way in over my head, I told my parents the truth. They forgave what I thought was unforgiveable, what a gift that was. Unfortunately I never shared these events with my H. I thought they were in the past long forgotten before I met him. But these experiences shaped the person I am. I didn't think he would understand how I could have put myself in a bad situation and stay there.

My WH has a problem admitting when he is wrong and also forgiving others. He is great at holding a grudge. I can't, too much negative energy! He has difficulty forgiving himself...I think thats part of the reason he has not admitted to much.

I believe that God works in mysterious ways...and maybe as a by-product of this affair we can clear ALL the secrets between us. Share forgiveness and move on to a brighter future. Thats my hope.

CM,

i am sorry, i posted so quickly and then i had to leave computer. i had forgotten your story for a bit. i remember it now.

look, you cannot change your W. you did the right thing, you gave her a gift of honesty. only she can now decide what she wants next.

i am sorry for your pain CM, i really am.

In my particular case I would run! But there are numerous reasons for this. I have reconciled with my XW. Many years ago I got the "I love you but..." speech and she said she wanted a divorce...that after 5 years of a living ****** she got. Her affair was over when she requested the divorce and I now know she thought I would never forgive her (and there is truth to this I am a VERY different person now). As part of our reconciliation honesty was a must. Honesty about our past in our marriage and what we did after our divorce. I demanded it. So she confessed to an affair. But no details, "they did not matter"...well we all know they do. So for many months I would have visions and try a narrow down the time frames. It was awful. I would occasionally LB and it made it worst.

Those who know my story know that MB has been a god send. Honesty...was lacking. She outright lied. It went from a confession about a couple of times during work related trips to a year long affair, lies about contact (it had been years but when one searches their memory banks I realized much...), lies about specifics, lies to specific questions...so the last time I found out about lies I established a boundary. It is a line in the sand. I am done. No more D-days for me...Because each time was a D-day.

Now...by establishing this line I worry that it is a reason to lie. I have been very clear that I expect the truth, no matter how painful it is for EITHER of us. I am speaking of my sitch and only mine...it's a deal breaker...because each time stuff was revealed I specifically asked...."You know my questions, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?"

There are still unanswered questions.

How did it end and why?
When was the last contact even though you did not have sex?

Answers I will never get are "how could you do ......"

Although I have come to understand her pain, lies are not going to help her with me. No more! Because it was her divorce reconciliation, although I welcomed it, was her idea, it was her who initiated it.

CM, what has happened here demonstrates exactly why a WS should divulge EVERYTHING at first brush. When it is discovered, even years later, that the WS withheld information, it is like D-Day all over again. This is why I say that a situation where the WS withholds is to be condemned to a death of a thousand cuts. Every new little drib or drabble about the affair kills you slowly as you go back to D-Day over and over and over again. Trust being destroyed more and more with every new revelation.

This is why I was adamant in getting the WHOLE truth from my WS. We struggled the first year because initially every bit had to be dragged out.

Basically, to withhold information from the BS is tantamount to adding more lies and deceit to the mix. Withholding is a lie of omission. It is adding insult to injury and makes it almost impossible to trust again.

For me, I did endure this for a year, but if I found out later that my H continually lied to me about other details, it would be a deal breaker. I could probably forgive him if he asked, but I would not be interested in continuing the marriage with someone who continually lied to me after I gave him every chance to come clean.

But that is what I would probably do, every person has to decide for themselves what they will and won't tolerate.

I have to say that I completely agree with Melody. When my husband finally confessed that he had lied about an affair 10 years earlier, he said it had been a one night stand. Even though I questioned him repeatedly, and asked for more information, he insisted. Nearly a year later - after he had moved out (this was his choice, as he saw it "it was 10 years ago" and I should just get over it) - he admitted that it had been more. I had three d-days for one affair! Of course, the blatant deceit makes me question what else I don't know the truth about.

Have you ever heard of a BS not wanting to know the truth? Seriously.

Why don't you ask the BS, do you want to be manipulated by lies of omission?

When the WS lies, they really prevent themselves from believing the BS really loves them. Because if the BS really knew...

A great question to the liar is, why won't you let yourself be loved for who you are rather than who you think you should be?

Amen, Loy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wish WW could actually hear that when I asked it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I always struggle with why WW can't just come out with the whole truth. I don't see how things could be any worse than what I already know.

Of course, last time I thought my M couldn't get any worse was about 2 weeks before D-Day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Loy..words of wisdom I shall keep in mind.

Mel...you certainly summed it up quite well...and we're in the same place...My Xw seems to get it now...but what an ugly road.....