I’m a little more than two months into recovery and sometimes I feel my W understood my feelings more the first couple weeks. Every day I still have feelings about the A, My W has told me that I must get past it. I have told her, that I believe we can have a wonderful future together but we must learn and no ignore what has happened. She would prefer nothing more than to pretend that her A never happened.

We have talked about our needs; hers revolve around me being more like I was and mine have to do with her reading some of the articles from Dr. Harley’s web site.

I responded to her statement about me by saying that her A changed me and what you are seeing is who I became. She said some of your comments don’t inspire your normally confidant self, I told her that it was good of her to tell me what she sees and how she is viewing me and yes I still consider myself as a confident person. I told her that sometimes you need to be aware or how others see things, because you may not.

On my point she doesn’t understand why I want her to do something, like read about recovering from an affair, when that may hurt her? I told her that I believe it would benefit both of us, because she keeps telling me to move past and on to the future when she has her own issues. I told her that she keeps calling her self a bad person and I told her that “The truth is you were at a point in time a place in your life with so much stress and for a few months you fell into what I have read as accidental infidelity; you are not an inherently evil or bad person. You are a loving, wonderful, caring, sensuous and generous. I also know you are working to become an even better person and I appreciate that.

Am I wrong for wanting her to read these documents and possibly visit MB?
I believe her resistance to reading them is affecting my believe in her love for me?

Expecting something from your spouse, I think, needs to be carefully watched. Expecting them to do something can lead to resentment on your part. However, you are able to expect some things from your spouse.

Taking those ideas, I think they are heightened during recovery. I think BSs make expectations due to recovery. So do WSs.

I think the best thing a couple of recovering spouses can do is realize the situation for what it is. A situation of lowered tolerances due to processes of learning and making mistakes to grow from. Once you have identified that both spouses still love each other and are both interested in recovery, then you have, I believe, the key foundation to succeed from. Then a hefty amount of patience and tolerance must be applied to continue to move forward.

The WS does not want to talk about the past because it fosters the feels of guilt and remorse again and again. I say that to let you know. I can not speak for the BS. That said, the WS needs to participate in the recovery process. The BS is not the expert, however. The proven principles are the best you have to work with. Possibly framing the talks with your spouse with the idea of what we can do to move forward and grow is a better bet.

Your wound must be tended to correctly. Don't live in it. WSs have to mend ways and grow progressively. Don't ignore the past. It is a balance. You both must find it.

Good luck.

Ok thanks Patriot92,

Maybe I do expect her to want to do things for me to prove she is part of the healing process. Rather than proving I’m any expert at all, I would like her to do some reading and talk people at MB. All of you here at MB trying to help us avoid some of your mistakes.

I agree that we both have heightened sensitivity right now during recovery



Ok what do I do to get her to understand that she should participate in the recovery process? I have tried telling her, emailing her…now I’m back to just giving her time.

Any ideas please let me know.

HL..what you're getting from your W is normal. In varying degrees WS don;t want to discuss the A. They certainly want to get rid of the past. My XW buried it very deep and I would have never even had a clue if it were not for a "friend" who wanted to date me after our divorce. Even when she "confessed" after an ultimatum from me regarding our reconciliation (her not addressing this accusation would be a deal breaker)she was not honest with me. Any time I wanted to talk about it it would be a LB (another typical WS behavior). I had to ask the right questions or they were not answered. It was awful. Does the WS feel guilt? I know mine does. That is a result of her behavior not mine.

It sounds to me as if you're holding yourself way too accountable for your W's A. <b> “The truth is you were at a point in time a place in your life with so much stress and for a few months you fell into what I have read as accidental infidelity; you are not an inherently evil or bad person. You are a loving, wonderful, caring, sensuous and generous. I also know you are working to become an even better person and I appreciate that.</b>

Do you believe that? Accidental? I respond to that the same
way I did to my XW' "mistake". How can their actions be any of those? In my XW's case (and I do not recall yours)...she planned her "booty calls"...with great precision. What a betrayal. She went as far as telling me she tried to kill herself after the first time...yeah right...

Listen..for you to recover it MUST be a two way street ao nothing will progress. You BOTH must try. I still, after almost 17 months since D-day have to stand my ground on certain boundries. I still react to certain things (triggers)...it is a long and winding road. She has to help you or you will get lost...and vice versa...

good luck...

Do I believe that not exactly, let me explain. My WS told me that her A had nothing to do with me but had everything to do with how she felt for the OM. Still SUCK$ but I try to accept what she tells me. I some what believe and understand how you can get to close to someone, But when we discussed it, I told her it still comes down to CHOICE and she said that was to simple of a view.

I ran into an article called an Accidental Affair, one where you weren’t looking but got to close to someone of the opposite $ex and that is the way I have tried to view it. Not really or exactly my believe but one I’m accepting.

I understand trigger and she thinks that if I’m still having things that do that to me, I must need help.

So we are going down a long winding road or a rollercoaster, how do I get her to help so we don’t get stuck?

Long and winding roller coaster is exactly what you're on...and will be for a long time...

You do need help...FROM HER!! How can you understand what you do not know? I love the audacity of people. All she needs to do is look at her behavior objectively and see what she has done to others. It appears to me she is selfish...her affair was selfish and she remains selfish..

as far as "accidental affair"....sounds like [email]BullCR@P[/email] to me...any married person who "goes looking"...is generally a serial cheater...so my..my...we do have a lot of accidents don;t we?

Ok...how do I convince her to help?

HL - Some advice SH gave me when I wanted my WW to read SAA or HN/HN. Was to say to her that you didn't want her to read it for her, but to help you. Tell her that you know you have some things to work on that got your R to this point. I would get the books and say "Honey, I know you want me to be more like I was. I've been working very hard to do that. I was reading this book SAA and I think it will help me be more like I was. Will you read it and just tell me if you think my plan is good or I'm on the right track" Something like that.

I think the same approach might apply to getting her help initially. "Dear, I've really been trying to keep from doing LB xxx, can you help me work on myself, by telling me when I do one"

I think the idea is to let her help you better yourself. If she engages, you start to get the truth about what specifice EN's she needs met, she becomes less detached, learns some of the MB principles (without you teaching them to her), sees your sincere about wanting to care for her in the best way possible, and eventually (hopefully) will want to do the same thing for you.

I'm new to this, so take my advice with a grain of salt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

has your wife stated that she wants to stay married to you? If so, then you have hurdle #1 cleared it seems.

Then you have to discuss recovery in terms of what WE need. Our marriage needs this. It needs that. If the marriage is what she wants, then make all your work about the marriage.

Part of that is going to be your healing. You have to heal properly. You wouldn't start a big physical fitness program to train for the olympics if, at some point, you had seriously cut your leg and you never healed it properly. Your wound not being fully healed will hinder your training benefit. You must get the leg to 100% before you try to build the muscles in it.

Does that make sense? You are the driving force in what you need to heal. But that requires work on your part(i.e. identifing YOUR need on this one). She has to be willing to face her shame and remorse and not be incapacitated by it. Because she has stopped the A and sees the error in it. And because she has asked for forgiveness and turned away from the sin, then you have to be willing to forgive her. I am still navigating all this as well, but I have a few ideas I believe in.

Either you are all in, or you are all out. If you state you want the marriage, then be all in. Else, be all out.

Forgiveness is not only for the WS. It helps the BS rid themselves of resentment and other very non-marriage-building things.

Learning to communicate and grow is the biggest hurdle, because it is different for everyone. What works for some other couple may not work for froz and I. Or vice versa.

Squash the taker and CPR the giver. Make that giver live... because the taker brings entitlement and demand. And those LBs are dangerous to a good marriage. The giver is much like God. Gifting the other person without expectation.

Maybe I am way off base here. You have every right to blow off what I am saying. I hope I have helped.

HLR, yes, you should expect your W to work on recovery.

You need to explain to your W that infidelity is an extremely traumatic & hurtful experience to a BS (some say it’s on the same level than rape or the death of a child) and that this is NOT something the BS can just “get over”. Tell her that you are willing to work on “getting past it”, but that that you are still grieving and that this healing/grieving process is something which will take time & patience and also willingness from HER to help YOU recover and heal.

Tell her in a loving way that there are certain things she can do to help you achieve this and that resistance & unwillingness from her will only hamper and slow down marital recovery and YOUR personal recovery. Maybe you can also make it clear to her in a loving way that her resistance and unwillingness hurts you and cause you to build up resentment towards her and doubt her love for you. Have an open and honest discussion with your W about this and make your needs clear to her. It's a giving and receiving process for both of you and your W needs to understand this.

Read the following articles to give you a better idea of what you should expect from your W if she is really committed to recovery:

Article: What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile

When "Sorry" is Not Enough

Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks everyone! Your advice affirmed that it wasn’t my taker side being overly needy and I don’t want to do anything to hinder our recovery. Yes my Wife tells me she loves me and is in-love with me and fully committed to our m. I have just been looking for her to do a little more and hopefully we’ll get to that point, one step at a time. I feel the best about our M than I have in awhile and do love my W.

By the way Suzet*, your articles are one of a few that I placed into a folder for my W to read to help continue our healing.

Thanks again,