I dunno how to write this, how to even put into words the tumble of stuff that goes thru my twisted little head, but here goes.

Oldtimers know who I am, but you young'uns might not know, so let me say I'm the FBS who has not one but 2 OC. Yeppers. Not only that, but right before I found this site is when I found out about OC#2's impending arrival on this planet.

Thru both, I stuck by the Wookie. It was harder than heck, but I did. In April of this year (dday was Jan. 2003) we moved back to SAT, and where OW lives with the kids. In May, I asked Wookie to leave b/c he was not gettin it that he needed to set up boundries regarding (c)OW. After a week on his own, he came back and we began real (finally) recovery.

So that brings us to now. We are filing for custody of the children. (read back on reasons - just click on my name and old posts can be accessed)

Now that it is CLEAR as a winter's bell that the A is dead, and that Wookie is as devoted to me as the day we married, I am feeling....um...what? Um. I'm feeling fleeting anger...um...abject disappointment...and I can't help but feel that no matter what...if we'd broken up, or stayed together I'd have felt this way forever. It's not heart rending, it's not overwhelming (like when he was in the middle of the A and I felt I had no control)........it's just a stain. No amount of OxyClean is gonna lift this stain, I don't think.

Is this normal? I'm pretty happy except when I think that this is NOT what was supposed to happen....I love this guy from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair (like THAT isn't obvious, right)...Is it right or just to be miffed, or put off or whatever it is by all thats gone before?

- Kimmy

Hi Kimmy,

The way I see it, after the A, a couple has two viable options:

Option B: Stay together and have the best possible marriage with all the fab MB tools you now possess
Option C: Divorce and heal individually and make your next relationship the best possible marriage with all the fab MB tools you now possess.

The affair removes the possibility of Option A: Remaining mutually faithful to your original "forsaking all others" vow and, despite some rocky times along the way, work towards the best possible marriage (ideally with all the fab MB tools you now possess after you sought them out BEFORE someone introduced a third party into the marriage).

I personally believe that Option B is the best-case scenario of the two post-A options. But I'm acutely aware (and there's always this sadness in the background, kinda like the low hum of the refrigerator) that Option A is what SHOULD have happened and is now no longer available to me because of two other people's poor choices.

It sucks.

Hugs to you,

G

Can't say it better than griselda. Kimmy, I think it is reasonable to expect that there will always be some pain, anger and what the heck happened in you. You have made the best of a bad sit and stood by your man and your kiddoes. {{kimmy}}

Kimmy,

""It's not heart rending, it's not overwhelming (like when he was in the middle of the A and I felt I had no control)........it's just a stain. No amount of OxyClean is gonna lift this stain, I don't think.""

We BSs and the WSs have all been changed/damaged by infidelity. It is a stain, or a scare that still pains us when we bump it. A stain is a good description. A stain on our love relationship with our spouse, our marriage, that will not go away.

We are not the people we were before. For me it is a lingering sadness that will not go away.

Mr Pure had a very good thread a while back about how damaged/broken he felt and how it will never be the same.

IT MUST BE NORMAL! Everyone in the halls of MB carries this stain, whether it is the betrayed stain of the BS or the guilt stain of the WS.

It is the normalist (?) thing among us.

And on that happy note... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Griselda,

""(and there's always this sadness in the background, kinda like the low hum of the refrigerator)""

I like that!! Very good.

k

So I'm not Abby Normal?

Cos it's been eating at me a little...mostly when I wash the dishes or my hands are otherwise occupied, but my mind's not really needed.

I guess I'll have to quit washing dishes, then.

;-)

- Kimmy

Having scars you got from your beloved SUCKS. But your value has never been diminished. The opposite in fact.

I don't like the "if such and such hadn't happened then you wouldn't know those lovely children" stuff, so I won't try and convince you to take comfort in that. Why? Because nothing is erasable, and that other life with a perfectly faithful Chewie and no OCs doesn't exist, and it never did, except in your imagination. You didn't get cheated out of it - you never had it.

Let forgiveness be your reward for taking on that crappy stain. Think of what a gift you've given to Chewie. No money could buy a gift so great.

GC

""I guess I'll have to quit washing dishes, then.""

Yeah, I had to stop mowing the lawn.

It's a stain. It's not you. Not even him, either. Nor the marriage. Keep it separate, if it's well and truly behind you.

It's like a stain on your beautiful dress. It's just a stain. It doesn't ruin your life.



Nice point, Gray.

I totally relate to your feelings. I just hope the stain fades with time. TT

Edited to add: By the way Kimmy, to open your home and your heart to the OC's is beyond forgiveness. Really inspiring. TT

>home and your heart to the OC's is beyond forgiveness

Believe it or not, that is the EASY part. They're kids, kwim?

What I want to know is do you feel like this all the time, or does it come and go.

If it comes and goes, does it diminish with time, or is the hurt the same every times it appears in your mind?

Also, I want to know what's for dinner.

SS

It's always niggling in the back of my head. It mostly comes when my hands are occupied, but my brain isn't needed...like when I'm sharpening knives or juggling....lmao.

It hasn't diminished yet. It's a quick stab of "that's just not right-ness" then a quick mental quashing of the thought.

Dinner is chicken stir fry, fried rice and for dessert, homemade chocolate chip cookies (thanks Mrs. Dubya - a previous post made me want one).

- Kimmy

So, this is not an ordinary thing that most of us have on and off. (Sounds like to me anyway.)

It gets to you over time, takes energy to cope with, and doesn't seem to go away.

I am wondering if you guys get custody if it will begin to help.

Out of sight, out of mind?

You have talked to Wookie about it, and he says?

And dinner time is?

SS

Kimmy, *hugs*, I can understand where you're coming from. I think it would be a little scary if you did not have these lingering feelings.

As long as you are not constantly playing the martyr, then I think you're o'kay.

I still want to come visit, btw.