Great website. I've been reading many books, but I am finding more useful information here.

D-Day - 6/10/05.
Married 5 years; started dating 9 years ago.

WW and I have been to counseling and she says she wants to make the marriage work. We've had several blow ups over the past 3 months and I've done a couple of mini-Plan B's (left for 2 days on 7/15 and 5 days in August). She claims that her last communication with OM was 7/15, but I recently discovered a secret cell phone that she has been using to communicate with OM. WW also claims that OM is not her type and it would not work long term, but she is still communicating with him. A couple of questions for the group:

1. I'm trying Plan A and am having trouble understanding the EN that is being met by OM. I've uncovered 3-4 of WW ENs that I've been working on for the last 3 months. For some reason our counseling sessions have not uncovered the missing EN. WW seems willing to discuss the EN void. Our conversation ended abruptly last night when she mentioned contact with OM post 7/15, which is contrary to her story. Any suggestions for coaxing this information out of WW?

2. WW is miserable in her current job and has been looking for a new one for the past 6 months. WW now has offer on the table to work at the same company as OM (she currently works 45 miles away from OM). Can she work at the same 8000 person company with a campus of 10 buildings; supposedly she's not in the same building. WW will work for the same director as OM, so I'm guessing staff meetings, hallways, parking lots, and cafeteria are all places where they will run into each other. MIL says “where there is a will, there is a way” and I should be okay with this. I think I know the answer, but would like to poll the group. Is this going to work?

3. OM is 45, Dr./Phd, never married, never lived with a woman and on the road 3 weeks out of the month. If I start Plan B today, I think WW would realize he can't compete. Go to Plan B?

Thank you for your inputs.

sikik

Should WW and OM work at same company? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 09/13/05 05:25 PM
View Results

Firstly, plan B is a last resort that you hope will work out. Plan B may end your marriage. I would advise her not to make the move to work with OM. I might wait and try Plan A some more. The secret cell phone may be the one item that indicates that Plan B is in order. NO WAY should WW move to work at the same company with OM. Work affairs are hard enough to resist when 2 people meet at work, but her going to work with OM would likely be a disaster, as they are already intimate friends. If that happens, I would immediately go with plan B.

Mark (MHN1957)

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She MUST not go work with him. But the fact that she wants to, combined with the cell phone info, is not a good sign about whether the A is over.

Thanks for the feedback. Plan A seems to be working, but WW and OM still communicate.

Offer letter arrived yesterday and WW is putting on full court press to get me on board with the idea of working with OM. WW asked me not to expose this at her new workplace, if she decides to take the job. It is WWs decision and WW knows there will be consequences. Do I expose A at new company before she starts? Maybe this will force OM to end it? Why do I feel like a doormat?

MC told me to ignore cell phone bill that proves she is still having A (I've got phone bill, but WW does not know it). Do I hold off on MC until OM is out of picture? Does this sound like the right MC?

This is absurd. Your wife has been screwing this OM and continues contact with him and lying to you about it and now wants your blessing to work at the same place as the OM?
Either she thinks you are an absolute idiot or a total doormat. It is clear that her priority is with the OM over you. Why would you put up with such disrespect toward you?
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She should be doing everything in her power to regain your trust. If she does this to you then you should go see a lawyer and stop this charade. I wish you luck.

Was forced into Plan B yesterday. She was insisting on working with OM and was going to put in resignation today. WWs decision might be a little tougher now, we'll see.

Found phone and confronted WW. Says she just started talking with OM again. Nope, not according to your cell phone bill...lies on top of lies.

Went through Plan B verbally, did not have time for letter, ok? Or, should I email letter today and formally start Plan B today?

Thanks. Sik

Hello,

The answer is yes. A letter (email) has a more power to it than just saying it on the phone. Plan B should be enforced immediately. She continue to lie and contact the OM so really what other choice do you have? I wish you luck.

Strike now!!! When it has the most effect at her new workplace!!!

Update: Plan B for 5 weeks. The best part of Plan B is not having deal with all the lies. Met with a lawyer last Friday.

I broke silence over the weekend to get more permanent living arrangements and to initiate D conversations. I moved out and have been living out of a suitcase between relatives and business trips. I want the house back and want to make her a bit more uncomfortable.

WW took the job and started today. WW continues to see OM, but her tone has changed. WW acknowledges that she is hurting me. She admits seeing him. Says counceling is helping her. Says she needs more time. Says OM may move to new job, so perhaps the NC catch 22 situation will go away.

Now what? How much time do I give her? I was ready to pull the trigger on D. These shenanigans have been going on for 5 months now - I don't see Harley's example of an 18 month Plan B working for me.

Sik

Your wife is a cakewoman. She has made it clear that she wishes to continue to see the OM by taking the job. She has made him a higher priority than you and your marriage. What has been the consequences to her actions? She lives in the house and you say she continues to see the OM. I think her message is quite clear. She has made her choice and enjoys dangling you on a string in case the OM does not work out in the future. I am afraid she is playing you very well. The question is why do you wish to continue to play this game? She continues to disrespect and humiliate you. She says she acknowledges hurting you but continues in this behavior. The conclusion is that your pain is not particularly important to her. I think you deserve better than this. Don't you?

Yes I deserve better. So does everyone else on this board. My situation is not that different than anyone else here...WW is in the fog right? By their very action, isn't every WS selfish and disrespectful?

It does get worse. The good doctor gave her HSV2. In additon to the ever favorite "I love you, I'm not in love with you", WW says "You will never be the man I want you to be". If feel the scale tipping toward D.

She is following the classic patterns. If you are in plan b, then stay dark, do not communicate with her, only as needed and thru e mail or a friend. She needs to feel how this will go. Give it time. Hugs.

If you have no children, this will make it easier.