[color:"red"] [/color] Hi everyone I just need to ****** for a few minutes....So the OC will be spending every night with us as the OW is taking a third shift job....I am not too thrilled about it as I know I will be doing most of the work...OC is only 4 months old...Also, we borrowed a crib from my sister so the OC has a place to sleep, my brother in law brought it to me at work and my H was going to pick it up because he had the truck I had the small car, well the H decided that he didn't want to bring our kids out and pick it up, I had to stuff everything inside a small VW bug.....I am so pissed, and starting to resent him and this baby...I mean why should I have to do everything, get up with a crying infant, make sure she has a bed to sleep in. I didn't choose to have this baby....I shouldn't have to do all of this....He should help...I am not saying I don't like doing things. but when he refuses to help it pisses me off...this isn't my child, and the kicker I can't watch the baby when he isn't home the OW won't allow it, like I don't know how to take care of a baby it just irks me...I just can't stand him right now...I mean I have two children who are very well taken care of, and if this ****** of an other woman knew that I take care of her daughter and not my husband....Some days I seriously wonder if all of this is worth it and if I can really handle it....Right now I just want to give up....Thanks for listening...
LA

So sorry to read of you situation. How do you bear it? My H's OC is due in Feb and the anxiety is horrible. Only 8 weeks since he confessed--I need all the advice I can get!

LA4500,

(((((hugs)))))

simple answer i guess is let him do the work. in my sitch i stepped back and made h do the donkey work. he is the one who changes her nappy, he is the one who organises her meals, if she stayed overnight with us (currently a point of negotiation with xow) he sure as ****** would be the one getting up to her.

i will happily offer advice if needed and i guess if i saw him doing anything really silly or dangerous i would step in but for the most part, its his job. she is his daughter, not mine.

i suppose since the oc will be staying at yours for most nights a week, practically speaking you might need to share night duties but you can still very much take a backseat role. i dont think it is very fair that the burden of care should fall on your shoulders.

it can be really hard not to feel resentful when they are so young. i found that it was very easy to view the oc as an extention of their mother when she was a tiny baby. it became much easier as she has grown into a rambuncious toddler which her own very distinct personality. until they start to dbecome little people, you have got to really focus on the child and if you can, ignore her mother completely. easier said than done i know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

one another point, so how does the you not being able to be alone with the oc work? is your h's visistation set up legally? if so, xow shouldnt have any right to dictate anything about what happens to oc while in your h's custody. if h chooses to leave oc in your care then that is his perogative (sp?). even if the contact is not legally stipulated, she has a ****** of a hide to ask you to take oc so she can get a job she wants but then try and dictate who can care for the oc in your home. you have got a bit of leverage here, dont be afraid to use it!

hugs to you

carolyn

I agree with Carolyn. Get it done legal so OW won't have so much power. If it is H's visiting day, he can leave her with you as "babysitter" just as OW can leave OC in daycare. Not her decision.

As far as duties w/OC. My H has really allowed me to dictate how that goes and it has worked out very well. He realizes anything I do for OC is a gift to him and he really appreciates it. I usually do most of the caring for OC just because I know baby's better than he does I guess, and I enjoy it. But when I am done he is right there to take over. We won't be getting any overnights for a while, but if we did you can bet H would be getting up with OC most of the time.

It's a real balancing act because if H did ALL of the caring for OC, I would feel like "hey! you didn't do that for our babies!" When my babies were little I was a stay-at-home mom who breastfed, so I pretty much was in charge of babies and H dealt with the older children. It became somehwat a point of contention as time went on though. I had set the ground rules early on, but then later resented never feeling like I got a break, so for me, if H did all the work with OC, I would be resentful. Of course, I could be resentful if it were the other way around as well, you know, "hey! I didn't have this baby, you need to do this!".

I guess I would express yourself to H without all the emotions and just explain that you enjoy helping out, but you don't feel like it's your job to do most of the work. Your acceptance of all this IS a gift to him and just let him know you want more help. When my baby's were young I should have spoken up, instead I just complained and got resentful.

Speakup now before that happens. Take care.

I agree with all the advice the others have given you. At this time we don't have C so I don't have any first hand advice. We saw OC two times (2wks and again at 2 months old. I can definitely see how resentment would be built up if we had regular contact - H did very little for OC th few hours we spent . . . I changed diapers and fed him. So I think I know where we would be if we had OC regularly.

I also agree that OW can not say you can't be alone w/baby -even legally the father's spouse has permission to be with baby. But I did have one thought about your comment about why OW thinks you couldn't care for baby without H present - Just remember an A is all about fantasy - so to these OW, our H are wonderful fathers! Remember to them, H had no flaws during A - he was charming and fun - they didn't live with him day in and day out. And I am sure during their pregnancies they fanatasize about raising this child alongside Mr.Wonderful -they have NO idea that the wife is the one that has done most of the work with their kids!! The OW in our sitch was shocked that H didn't even know how to put the infant seat in the car right -- afterall, "he is such a great father" to his 3 kids . HAHAHA! He doesn't have a clue what to do with a baby.

You ask why you should have to do it all. But I have a different question for you:

Why ARE you doing it all?

A couple of side notes here.
First, the thing about being alone with the OC ? IF its legal, it wouldn't be that way . Get this stuff done legal or you are going to have greef all the way around. K.

Second, I have a friend who is an attorney. The best advise she gave me was NOT to be alone w/ the OC. WHY? What if something was to happen to him? Who would they look at and what kind of trouble could that cause your family??? I think until the vistations are legal and regular, you should just to cover YOUR butt and not be alone w/ him.

Do you have a journal?? START ONE!

And have you and H sit down and done a POJA? This is where, how, what will/can and you would like to see be done with the OC and contact issues. (to be done calmly as possible)

You and your H HAVE to do this as a team. If your working towards C, then fine and great but it has to be as a team. This child you want as part of your family and IF you have resentment towards your H or the OC it's not going to be a smoothe ride at all. YOU also want to have the C. Is that what YOU want or are you just going along w/ it??

I agree that this OC is your H and the OW responsiblity, but if you support him in the C of this child and want to be happy, get the POJA done and keep being honest w/ yourself and your H. Tell him, look I've changed the last two diapers, it's your turn. If he's dumping on you then tell him. You should be included in things not things dumped on you.
Hugs and hang in there!
Sunny D