I have started looking into online dating and boy am I confused. There are so many out there that i was hoping that some of you can share your positive/negative experiences with them.
I have heard that eharmony and match are two of the better ones. I had a GF that did Eharmony and she found she was matched with people a distance away(2hours). She liked the fact that people could not see your picture until they had signed up and were part of the program.

She didn't think that match worked the same way. She thought that all pictures are posted and then you see what is "available' and then you could chose to sign up. So that anyone browsing the sight and signed in could possible view your picture and then pay to join. Is there truth to this?

So any suggestions on which ones I should pay closer attention to. There are just so many.

On Match, anyone can see your picture and profile. I don't know about eharmony.

One that is free is americansingles.

Depends what you mean by "free". All of these sites are "free", meaning that it costs nothing to sign up and create a profile. With most most, you can even start receiving e-mails without paying. However, with most, you cannot initiate or reply to e-mails without becoming a "paying" member, so none of them are really "free".

The thing about Eharmony that makes it totally different from almost all others is that you cannot browse through profiles; all matches are made by Eharmony. This has both benefits and drawbacks, of course, depending on whether you trust Eharmony to do a better job matching you up with people than if you browse on your own - my experience has made me quite cynical of their matching abilities. On Eharmony, once they send you a match, you can see their profile regardless of whether or not you are a paying member (though you won't see the picture if you're not).

I almost never bother with matches if there is no picture (99% of the time there is a reason); unfortunately, on Eharmony, many women choose to not display their picture until the third or fourth communication stage - I don't have the patience to invest all that time only to see a picture of someone I am not interested in. I guess I'm shallow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

Hope this helps,

AGG

I liked the idea of eharmony - they match you up according to personality and characteristics and lifestyle. The one disappointment I had was that I got matched over and over again with men that were imho significantly older than I was. I really didn't like the idea of a guy >5 years older than me and 80% of the matches I received were men that were >8 years older than I was.

I've heard from other posters here that the eharmony people are very serious about finding someone for a serious committment.

When I was using Match I did come across quite a few that were looking for love but not necessarily a committment. Along with Harley's philosophy of dating 30 people before you commit, I agree that you will have to perhaps contact and/or meet quite a few before you find someone that you like more than any others (meets more of your ENs and you find it easy to meet his ENs). Some have complained that they failed quite a bit. I look at it as a numbers game.

They teach you in sales that if you knock on 10 doors, maybe 1 person will buy your product. Well, if you wink at 10 match possibilities, maybe 1 will respond. Meaning you might have to wink at 300 to get to 30 dates. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good thing there are so many choices!

V.

Like AGG, I didn't have a good experience with Eharmony.
I answered the profile, but the end result didn't sound like me at all (checked by a friend). And the guys they matched to really weren't a good match and really didn't even want to communicate. They count a match even if the person doesn't want to communicate with you - so the guarantee is suspect.

A friend had a much better experience on Match, and she talked or emailed to alot before she'd meet them (keeping with the theory that you need to date alot of people to find the right one).
I found no one on match, and ran across a few very rude people who felt like match was "speed-dating" and if you weren't prepared for "warp speed" then you shouldn't be on.
I think these are good places to test your intuition.

Be careful about eHarmony. It has more consumer complaints against it than any other service. Some people call it eScammin'Me. Personally, I thing Dr. Warren's "29 diminsions" are just so much marketing crock. I have never been able to find anything anywhere to substantiate his claims about the success of his meathod. In fact, you'd be hard pressed to learn anything about this man at all that is not connected with eHarmony.

One thing that eHarmony doesn't tell you is that anyone can take the personality profile and once they do, they go into their matching database. eHarmony will match you against these people, but unless they pay up on the membership fee, you cannot communicate with them. They also do not remove old members' profiles from their database. Hence, many of the matches you get are useless.

I tried eHarmony once. withing hours of paying my fee, I got about a dozen matches. Within the first three days, I'd got nearly three dozen. All but but eight of these were definitely NOT compatible matches for me. Four of these matches never responded (not members). Very oddly, I received "not interested" messages from two women within two minutes of having initiated contact. This last phenomenon is consistent with some complaints that eHarmony uses ficticious profiles to increasematches. The last two matches never went beyond the second stage. After this initial flurry of matches, I received no more for two months. I decided that eHarmony was a waste of time and decided not to renew my membership. In the last three days before my membership expired, I suddenly started gettin matches again. Many other people have experienced this. Finally eHarmony tells you that you need to be patient and that they need up to a year to find you a compatible match. They are the most expensive of these services. Get it?

Everyone I know who does the on-line thing has told me Match is the best. They certainly have far more members than any other service so the numbers game is a definite advantage.

What about red flags that someone is married? Match.com does't screen, Eharmony doesn't either. So... Does anyone know red flags?

I'd guess that not having a picture would be a flag. After all, if you were a WS in the making, you wouldn't want your spouse's friends seeing your photo.

eHarmony does ask you if you are single/married/seperated/divorced and will reject you if you answer with the middle two. But how do they really know?

Oh there are a lot of married people out there using these dating services some with pics, some without. OL dating sites are one of the primary places cheaters go looking for an affair partner. Haven't you noticed that a lot of women state in their profiles that married men need not respond? Most of the sites use zip code and match to proximity to it in searches. In a large metro area with 40 or 50 zip codes, all someone has to do is use his office zip code (or some zip on the other side of the area) and the probability that his wife would find him is pretty low. And a lot of people use fake pictures in their profile. At sex-date sites like Adult Friendfinder and LavaLife Intimate Encounters, no one seems to care about marital status.

My two cents:

I was skeptical about on-line dating, but being busy with my career and at home, and having no real single-friend network to connect me to potential guys, I took a chance one night and joined Match.

I corresponded with maybe 10-15 people who emailed me, and ended up seeing 5 people total. No, that's not the Harley's 30 people. And yes, there are some strange people on there, and a lot of people whose profiles are not close to truthful. But if you email them for a while, talk to them on the phone, and then meet them, you should be able to figure that out without investing tons of time in them.

But in my case, I met someone who I am very happy with. He's not an ax murderer. He's not married. He seems to be a pretty darned stable person overall, but one like me who isn't this tremendously social person, and between kids and work is busy, and who found that on-line dating was the easiest way to meet the type of person he was looking for.

Given my overall experience, I'd recommend it. I was going to do eharmony, and do know a couple people who have had great success on there. One is married to their match. The other has been dating his since the beginning of the year and things are looking promising. But yes, I have heard that matches are often a fair distance away on there, and I've also heard a dislike about who they can match you with.

I did Match more on a whim, because it was cheaper and easy to do. And it worked out well. There are a lot of people on there (most of whom are nothing I'd be interested in--it DOES take some work). And I like the fact that I can see the photos right away, browse the profiles, and do my own picking. Looks aren't everything, but there are just certain looks that I'm not attracted to physically and I'd prefer to know up-front what the person looks like. And I agree, no picture to me means they may be hiding something. By the same token, I put my picture up immediately (and a current one, too...some people's pictures are age old!) so that guys could decide before emailing me if I was someone they might be interested in. I don't have time for games.

Again, nothing against on-line dating from my perspective. You can always join just for a month and not be out much money if you decide it's not for you.

LL

Yip... you get these "matches", and try to communicate with them, but they are nowhere to be found. Unlike many other sites, where you can see if the member has been recently active, Eharmony won't tell you if your match is "active", dating, or dead <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.



Uh, yeah.. same thing happened to me - the day before my mebership expired, I got 5 matches, which is 5 more than I got in the past 2 months. Funny, what a coincidence...

AGG

Actually, for security reasons, you should never post your picture on line. I never did. If someone was interested, I would be happy to send them a pic. You know what this weeded out? The women who were only interested in what you look like. I'm a pretty handsome fellow, but I don't want that to be the first (or only) thing someone becomes interested in.

But then, I found that OL dating is all backward and the relationships resulting from it were not what I want. They all seemed so contrived and fake. And everyone of the women I met except one, wanted to go way too fast. The only thing that came out of my OL dating experience is that I met one woman who became a very close friend.

One other thing you women need to consider. On average, the number of men on OL datings sites outnumber the women five to one. Those are good odds for you gals, but you have to ask yourself: why are these numbers so out of balance? The answer is a three-leter word.

Harley's 30 people rule is good advice for someone who is 17 years old and about to go off to college. But for busy adults, it's a tad absurd. I simply do not have the time or desire to date 30 people. Also, if you live in Middleburg, USA that has a population of 2500, there will never be 30 people for you to date.

I learned to avoid free sites, ones where members NEVER paid. Typically those guys were too broke to pay for their own coffees when we met offline, let alone pay for mine, too. I like the sites where you get an initial period for free to check it out, and then pay for a membership. Anyone who is willing to pay, is probably a bit more serious... and can buy coffee once in a while.


Mrs. W8ing

eHarmony...not worth the money or the time...American Singles and Match have both been effect as is Yahoo. Pick one try it out see what YOU think...everyone has their own preference as to what they like. Most if not all of them you can't communicate without paying.

Good Luck!
Alluring

"Most if not all of them you can't communicate without paying."

And thank goodness! My, but the freak shows would make you crazy with out this safeguard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've had very good luck with Match.

Before you write your profile, take time to read others. Avoid the common cliches (ie. walks on the beach, comfortable in jeans and party dress, etc.) After reading several hundred profiles, these just blend into the rest. Be original, be creative, have fun with it, be upbeat. There are some articles on the web that tell you how to write a good profile. Some are worthwhile, others are not.

I understand why some women don't put their picture up there and it usually isn't a problem for me. I would be prepared to have a picture to send because that is important to a lot of guys.

Good Luck!!

Thanks for the response. I guess that Eharmony and Match are two of the best. I visited match last night and found it interesting.

At lunch today the discussion was dating. I was asked if I have started and I said some, but not as much as I would like. One woman said "Don't do that online crap. It's so dangerous" and someone else said "There all losers on there that can't find dates any other way"

Now I don't believe either. It can be very safe if you are aware of what you are doing. It is just as safe as meeting a person out. I don't think that only "losers" do it. I am not a loser and I am going to. Married people don't realize how hard it is to meet people. I never had a clue what my single GF's were living. But I have to admit the loser comment bothered me. I am embarassed to admit that I am joining a online dating sight. That is why I asked about Match.com and if pictures could be viewed without joining. All I can think of is people just casually visiting the sight, recognize me and telling my X. I shouldn't care what he thinks, but he will make me feel like such a loser. All I ever heard was that no one would ever want me. Ok I know it was a lie. Please don't tell me that I am not ready to date, because I am. It's just dating at 17 when there are boys everywhere that want to take you out is so different than dating at 32 when all you see out are boys. I know that online dating is the only way that I will have the opportunity to begin to date, but has anyone else been made to feel like they were losers for doing it?

I don't think it is weird or you are a loser. I think people don't know and they still have the stereotype of years ago when online dating just started and it was weird. Things have progressed since then, but people who are married or dating someone for a long time aren't in the times to know enough about it.
I tried eharmony, match and yahoo. For eharmony, the very first person I met was over 2 years ago and we are now like best friends. Of course HE does have a hard time telling people how we met because of fear of what they would think- But I don't really give a rat. I tell people. His roommate married his eharmony match, they are happily married and due with a baby. I HAVE had the same trouble others have, where I don't get a match for ages (and that CAN make me feel like a loser) then my membership is about to expire and I am flooded. I often wondered if that was just a 'coincidence'. I went out with a few more matches but did not really connect with them. Also, this is funny, a guy at my church matched with me, and he didn't know who I was but I knew him because he was on staff (just who he was, nothing about him really). Well he ended up being in a class one night with me and I was so glad we never went out because he was a conversation dominator. He would not shut up. It drove me nuts! Match and yahoo I didn't have much luck on, I went on a date with a guy from yahoo who was definitely not weird, he just started dating someone else. Match I didn't try very long because I was going to stop dating. And then I just met someone NOT from online dating and we will see!?
I know this is long but my point is- you aren't a loser- and even if you don't find the love of your life, you might find a good friend/best friend or at least figure out more what YOU want!

No one "makes" you feel like a loser. You're allowing some stupid comment made by someone who doesn't know what they are talking about influence how you feel about yourself.

Don't allow that.

You feel ready to date, you know you need to be careful, you've looked at match & seen people & read about them, go ahead knowing people can lie about themselves whether you meet them online or in real life. But that you already know.

Feel confident & have fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You're lunchtime conversation partners do have valid points. Not all people who do online dating are loosers, but many are, especially on the free sites. Online dating can be very, very dangerous. All one has to do is talk to women who have done it for awhile. They all have horror stories about whacked out guys they encountered. Some have found themselves in very dangerous situations. Two women I know have been raped by online "dates." So you have to be very, very careful in how you use this approach and always make personal security your number one priority. Personal security isn't so much a problem for men, but we, too, have to be very careful with online dating.

LuckyStar, reading back over this thread, the general consensus is not the eHarmony is one of the best. Quite to the contrary, it's one of the worst, not too mention the most expensive by far. There is one up-side to eHarmony, but only for women. Somewhat surprisingly, eHarmony has always had a problem attracting paying women members. So in an effort to get more women to sign up, they have discount programs for them.

I agree that people can lie about themselves whether or not they are using online dating or not. Yet, I also feel that dishonesty is far more prevalent in online dating. In more traditional dating scenarios, the individuals get the full communication stream right from the start. On the contrary, with online dating, you only get a fraction of it at what is really the most critical time. I believe this is the reason online relationships have the lowest success rate. I read once that the average online "relationship" lasts a mere three dates. This is fine if all you want is casual dating, but abysmal if you are looking for a life partner.

Hi, none of you will know me because I haven't been here for about 5 years. My screen name used to be "weirded out" but I couldn't remember any of my old information, so now...new screen name.

I have been online dating for about the last 4 years. I've dated a zillion men, not a buzzillion (I'm a little on the picky side, haha), but that's plenty. I have to say in my experience, I've not met any psychos yet. Lots of players tho that intend to date forever and don't want a long term relationship. I've learned their game tho and they're pretty easy to spot now.

Anyway, what I wanted to tell you all is that I was not one of the lucky ones. My ex's cheating gave me herpes. But I want to encourage those of you who might be in that boat, and there's probably more of you than maybe YOU even realize - about 1 in 4 or 5 now they say - that your life is NOT over if that's where you find yourselves. There are websites for us too and I've made incredible men and women friends on them. Now I've even moved past those sites and date on regular sites...and I've never been rejected even once yet for my thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Regular sites: I've had good luck on Match & American Singles but if you're not paid, you can't answer back on your emails. AmSingles bamboozled me for a month's subscription, be careful if you do the trial and make sure you watch your "quit" date to the very hour!! I missed it by 2 hours and they got me. But then again, they gave me a free month for my birthday so it worked out.

Hotornot is fun. Men usually should pay a membership, so what it's like $6, that is if you want to meet people. Women don't usually so if you don't pay guys, you won't be able to talk to them. It's cool because you get to see how your pic rates. And I have always had my pics posted - on ALL sites, both regular sites and "special" sites, never had a single problem. Of course, on my special sites they have some safeguards with your pics such as only members can see them.

I will say, I hated my divorce, but now I see him clearly and I'm so much better off and having SO MUCH FUN actually meeting incredible people from all over the country and world for that matter. And even with the herpes, it's almost in its way a blessing because of the special friendships I have now and things I've done because of it that I wouldn't have otherwise. I've met rock stars...when would I have done that before!!

It boils down to this, YOUR life is not over! Go have fun, DO be smart and careful, but man life is good and dating is fun!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />