I just have to know one thing....
For those who have had the A.
What happened when the fog cleared?
Was it a huge awakening, or a gradual thing?
And during the fog were you aware of anything?

I'm a BS in Recovery.

For my FWH, it certainly has been gradual.

Sorry. There are still slight hints of it even 2 years later..

I have wondered the same thing. I keep thinking there is going to be a lightbulb in his head moment. I need to give up that fantasy. I would love to think one day he will just wake up, fall to his knees and say "I can't believe the things I have said to you".

But that probably will not happen. I am hoping that the fog babble will just get less and less. And I admit, that is dissapointing to me. I learned of the aliens arrival with shock and awe, I would like to have a parade if he leaves!

Generally, the fog clears gradually. But, one day I woke up and thought, "What the h*ll was I thinking?" It dissipates, and you look back at the mess you caused and you can't believe what you did. (I do tell my W how sorry I am for what I did and said to her.)

Was I "aware" of anything? What do you mean by "aware"?

By aware I mean, did you realize what you were doing was wrong, or did you justify it by blaming your spouse for everything wrong in your life and your marriage?
Like the guilt, or the pain you caused your spouse, how did you bury that?

I am NOT by any means accusing you of anything, or trying to get you to re-live this.
I just am curious as to my own H who is still in denial, and seems to have cut off from reality.

Saving_myself,

For me I would say coming out of the fog was a gradual process: The fog started to clear after my H discovered the inappropriateness of the friendship and I had to face the hurt it caused my dear H. The IC and medication also helped much with this process. However, my biggest help in overcoming the fog (where I had a light bulb moment) was when I discovered this website and realized I was involved in beginning stages of EA and not just a “close friendship”. Also, before I discovered this website, I still thought I could stay casual friends with XOM somehow, but this website was an eye-opener to me.

During the friendship there were fleeting moments I could see through the fog and many times I felt guilty about my emotional attachment and attraction to FOM, but then I would suppress these thoughts again and tell myself I’m doing nothing wrong because I haven’t acted on my feelings yet… I was justifying and rationalizing my friendship with FOM in my own head although I deep down knew and realized that the friendship wasn’t appropriate anymore and very unhealthy. However, my emotional attachment & attraction towards FOM and the strong pull of it, kept me from ending the friendship. I felt trapped and didn’t t know how to get out of it – this has caused me to feel extremely anxious and depressed.

Even after my H's discovery and the ending of the friendship, my “addiction” (the emotional attachment & attraction towards FOM and the strong pull of it) prevented me from leaving the fog completely for several months during withdrawal.

for me I suppose it was a little of both gradual and Lightbulb effect.

I woke up one morning and sadi to myself "WHAT THE ****** AM I DOING". I ended the A that very morning and never spoke to the OW again. But I didn't come out of the fog completely I guess because I didn't ask MY FBW to reconcile for several more months. I guess some of that was guilt and a feeling of not deserving it. When I did finally commit myself to rebuilding my M My FBW after a couple of weeks became a WW adn now I deal with a complete role reversal.

To answer your question clearly...I had the lightbulb, but it was a gradual process before I completely came out of the fog.

hope that helps...

SC

When you were going through "it" did you want a divorce from your wife? Anew life for yourself, etc.
Did your wife know about the A or was she completely unaware?

My FWH wanted a divorce and a new life with the OW during the FOG...

He just mentioned this again to me today in a "What was I thinking...conversation...

Of course, he was NOT THINKING.....

Again, I say to you, it's taken years and years...He SEEMS to be really himself again 95% of the time...

SORRY....

Q: Did you realize what you were doing was wrong, or did you justify it by blaming your spouse for everything wrong in your life and your marriage?
A: No, I didn't think what I was doing was wrong. I did blame my W for everything that was wrong in my life and the M.

(By the way, it is OK to accuse me of being a self-righteous, egotistical idiot during the A. I was.)

I wouldn't call you any names <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
It is just so hard to try and understand it all.
I know I just have to wait it out but it is hard!!!
I see bits and pieces of my H, but I don't think I will ever win him back, he is so into getting a divorce, that it scares me sometimes.
I am giving him his space, letting him just be.
He sends me text messages, haven't had any nasty voice mails for almost a whole week, and he thanked me for encouraging him.
Today he is looking at houses in CA for me and the kids to move to, and he keeps saying the same thing.....
"I am not trying to screw you over, I am trying to help you guys out".
Do you think this is to help alleviate some guilt?
Supposedly he ended the R with OW last Friday, so right now he is still pretty angry, etc.
I just wish I could get inside his head! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Maybe not!
The depression he is dealing with also from unemployment and the things he is doing are so bizarre.
PLEASE tell me that there is hope and I am not spinning my wheels, that one day this will be over and he will love me again.

There is hope, but that doesn't mean it will turn out the way you want. I'm sure that staying with you would be better for him than divorcing you. Getting him to see that is the problem. Have you tried to get him into MC?

IMHO, you should definitely let him know what the world will be like after the D. Visitation, day care, the whole nine yards. He may not realize just how bad things can be after a D.

When he says, "I am not trying to screw you over, I am trying to help you guys out"--he is telling you the truth. I said the same thing. It isn't about guilt, it is about recognizing his obligation to take care of you and the kids--it kind of transcends the A.

My FWW faked fog clearance for over a month, then she came out of it very quickly. Amazing actually...I still keep looking for her to relapse from some of the horror stories I read here but she just keeps getting better and better.

As I said right now he is still so very angry about the exposure.
My prayer is that when he comes back for a visit in 2 weeks, that he will start to have a littel reality check.
It is easy to cut off and detach when there are no reminders of your every day life.
Being 3000 miles away, with no job, no responsibility, and OW is a fantasy come true.
And I blew it for him.
I have explained that D with alimony and 8 kids is not going to leave him with very much money.
He has been away from the family for 10 weeks and is missing the kids so much, even said he missed me too.

How long didi it take from you moving from home to other person and then coming back????????
My WH is saying he has no in love feelings for me but dosent want a divorce- but wants to do right by me and kids.

JIMMY MAC
what do you mean by "it transcends the affair?"

My H is in major depression, is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Is he just feelig sorry for himself or is he thinking or a little of both?

Saving- I am definately not one of the vets - but I think the depression would be interpreted as a good sign. I think it indicates the withdrawal from the OW.

Just throwing that in until a seasoned vet gets here.

You have changed so much in two weeks. Wow. Congrats on standing up for your marriage. It can survive, and you are moving in the right direction.

far

Saving_myself,

I agree with foundareason. I think your H is in a depression because of withdrawal and if this is the case, the depression IS a good sign because it means your H is in NC and have started the first stage of recovery process. You will find this thread on withdrawal helpful and insightful.

Blessings,
Suzet

Thank you for the thread!
He has mentioned a couple of times that he feels lonley, but then changes the subject.This is not something he wants to talk about with me.
Right now I know he is angry with me, but he has been in contact with me, mainly about superficial things.
But I think this is a good thing, as he has not fully cut me off, as I thought he would have ceased all communication with me.
In the past I have not made him feel "safe" about his feelings, as I was so reactionary. I have been working on this area, and am hoping that eventually we can both begin to rebuild trust with each other.
It has been a week since he ended things with OW, and the day after I was yelled at, and called every name in the book.
Now he has calmed down a bit, and is doing things to keep himself busy, like looking at houses and schools for the kids.
Yes, I know he should be looking for a job, but I am trying to understand and show him some compassion.
I do not believe in kicking a person when they are down.
He is very depressed and sleeps alot.
He wanted to know if I had kept up his life insurance policy.
This comment really scared me.
He is looking forward to his visit with the children, I think this will be a good distraction for him.
The little girls (ages 5,6,7,9) are his passion, and they have planned so many things to do with thier Dad when he gets here.
I hope he will not be too overwhelmed, I guess it is all a balancing act.
I do not want him to see in me the same cantancerous woman that he left 12 weeks ago.
My goal right now is friendship first.

Am I on the right track?
I do not want to screw anything up.