Good morning to you all. Today I feel like I could use a little guidance, or reassurance, or maybe advice or ideas. I'm beginning to feel like there is a very fine line between Plan A and "Doormat". Does anyone agree? I've been doing great - greeting H at the door with a smile and a kiss, with dinner to follow shortly thereafter, very attentive when he talks about work and I still don't understand, willing to sit thru football and even asking questions/showing a little interest, making his favorite snacks, more back rubs, compliments, house has been kept pretty neat. I know it's a normal part of Plan A for him not to notice or express appreciation, and so I take his saying nothing at all as reassurance that he's at least not complaining as in the past. Last night he asked me to make him a bagel - I gladly accepted, and delivered it to him with a smile. Today he called me on his break and asked me to make sure his black shirt is clean and hung for him to wear tonight. Again, I enthusiastically agreed. He's certainly not degrading me, but if this becomes a trend - him asking things of me - should I worry? I am still unemployed after all, so I'm not going out of my way by any means. I know I'm proving my willingness to him and being the great wife Plan A is supposed to turn me into, but since this was one of my "issues" over the years, I can't help but worry I may become my mother.

Next, about tonight & the black shirt: he's going with a friend to a concert tonight. I've absolutely no interest in the band and I've never accompanied him to these things before, so I'll be home. I will admit I'm a little worried about NC being broken (if it hasn't already been). He'll have a few drinks, and he'll be w/his friend so I know he won't call OW or go visit while his friend is around, but I do worry he may call or stop by on his way home. I've got NO resources whatsoever to "check up" on him, so I just have to "wait and see". I DON'T want to send him out of the house with a "this is why I don't want to be married!" feeling as I've done so many times in the past, but I also don't want any opportunity for contact. Should I talk to/remind him about NC before he leaves, risking him getting angry/defensive? Or should I wait until tomorrow (we'll be home together all day) and ask for details and try to fish for broken NC?

I know this is long, and to some may sound silly. I really am broke, and my spying capabilities are minimal to none. I'm relying mostly on honor here, and Plan A & our relationship in general has been going pretty well since I confronted him. So many of you have years of experience and very useful advice, can you help me out here please?

Thanks in advance.

Julie,
I have no words of wisdom, I am only 3 weeks past d-day. I think I stink at plan A, he says I am just being a martyr.

I will be reading the replies you get so maybe I can heed the words of wisdom.

Jean36 your H is cruel!

JulieW you're doing great. You have taken the moral high ground and plan Aed your A off! My wife's fog started lifting about 5 weeks in when she admitted she'd been faking recovery and revealed the whole truth about her affair.

Since then we've been doing great. She's really remorseful, I forgive her, and our marriage will be better for two reasons:

#1 I improved myself during plan A (got back into shape, dropped nicotine addiction, became a better dad)

#2 She has been improving herself during recovery.

Hang in there, you can have a better M after the fact!

Boundaries. The difference between plan A'ing and being a doormat are boundaries IME

What are yours, Julie ?

Honestly? Forget the b*#ch & take a good look at ME & OUR LIFE that WE'VE CREATED! That's it! I don't want him to give up going out w/friends, I don't want him to turn his life around, but I hate the worry - before, during, after. I hate that I'm so insecure in myself that I'm having anxiety about what he does when I'm not there. We've had a great week - I honestly, truly think he's honoring NC. Can I be sure? Nope. Just keep Plan A'ing. I want to be his best friend & favorite source of enjoyment again.

***He's home early, so in a light-hearted conversation (he was telling me what kind of money he needs for the night) I asked him for his itinerary. GOOD NEWS: his friend is driving, meaning he'll spend the night "supervised". ALSO meaning, he probably hasn't given OW a thought - but I sure have.

::

Just a bump in the road...I guess!?

Good work, all normal. Keep it up and he'll take that look.

I too have been wondering the same thing!! WH and I had several talks after he initiated NC and I have been working really hard at plan A but am starting to think a different approach is called for.
In my case, all of contact with OW was while I was at work, and since he is self-employed he had plenty of free time. In the beginning, just walking out the door each morning and being separated was sheer torture and I could not wait to get home and check the cell phone (yea I know, not reliable at all but only means I had) to date, only contact has been on her end, and he has been quick to show he has not responded.
He believed that I put him and his needs in second place to my children/job and since D-day I have arranged more and more time for just he and I but while he seems satisified, there has been little effort to repair/rebuild the issues his A caused to my EN. No matter what, I refuse to go back to the way things were.
I am curious as to the advise you will received and hope it will be of use for me to!

agreeing to no contact is one step in recovery..but certainly not the end all...

there is also your WS offering proof of no contact..
changing cell phones..
sharing passwords etc.......

where is your plan for recovery..
not you sweep it under the rug plan..

what lead up to the affair..
why does he 'claim' it happened..
what has he said it needs to do to stop in from happening again

does he answer your questions about the affair..

ark

Good post ark, thank you for taking the time.


I haven't asked any! I've been focusing on Plan A. I haven't exactly swept these things under the rug, but I guess I felt I should really make home where the heart is, then go in for the questions. In fact, I was thinking of doing so tomorrow. At the top of my list, "What caused this/made you look to her for the ego boost?" and why does he claim it happened?


Another good one, that I don't have the answer to. I guess I need to read up more on "plan for recovery".

I'd like to also further discuss his EN and his response to mine (we both did ENQ)

As for cell phone, I have his VM pw but he doesn't know this, I guess I should get him to share it with me? Also I'd like him to share her phone number(s) with me so I can scan the bill for that number. I've considered changing the number, but don't know that that is the answer as it doesn't prevent him from calling her.

No, I'm not sweeping things under the rug, but I am being careful at how much poking & prodding I do & how much pressure I apply at a time. I did plan to have a heart to heart w/him tomorrow though, and you've given me some good pointers to shoot for. Thank you.

Julie
those don;t sound liek boundaries, they sound like action requests on your H.

Boundaries are about what YOU will tolerate not what you want someone else to do.

mine are :

First was No Contact with OM for ever.
Second was transparency - no secrets and no lies.
Third was to be treated with the respect I deserve.

I thought about that after I posted it, b0b pure. I've got more reading to do, and it just so happens I'll be home alone tonight to do so! I can't forget to demand respect!! Thanks for the eye opener.

Julie W you are in a rough spot. In plan A do things that will improve life for the entire family not just WH. He will not appreciate what you are doing for a while.

Just a thought but...while he is at the concert can you take the kids and go do something? Get dressed put make up on and go somewhere...anywhere. He'll probably be out later than you so it doesn't matter exactly how long you are out. But it sends the messege you did not sit around waiting for him. Or maybe one night he could stay home with the kids and you go out for the evening with a friend.

I was stuck home a lot when my WH started his "friendship" that led to EA/PA. The kids weren't babies but certainly not old enough to left alone. When he gets home let him know you guys had fun without him. Fort built in the living room, game that was being played, crafts that were done...fall asleep while you read to the kids or scent of candles and bubble bath in bathroom.

Do not let him know you waited up for him.
So beside reading up on MB what are you going to be doing?

Having fun w/o him is a good idea indeed. I've got to be here tonight because DD9 is grounded...but tomorrow night I could plan to do something, I've got plenty of friends who are upset w/me for deserting them so making a plan won't be difficult. Then he can stay home w/the kids. Friday night is Poker Night, so I can join the fun in the basement or choose to do something on my own, and Saturday night is date night - we've got a babysitter and plan to go out together.

I do think that my Plan A changes have benefitted the entire family - first off, H & I getting along better & enjoying each other is obviously good for the kids. Dinner at a reasonable time, without being asked, "when's dinner!?!?" is good for us all, making a true effort to keep this place clean and staying on top of dishes & laundry...all good for the entire family. AND drastic changes/improvements for me!!

I love the suggestions, please keep them coming! What do you think of my ideas for our "talk" tomorrow? Maybe he is relying on me to sweep this under the rug...? I suppose being an attentive wife is a breath of fresh air. Being an attentive wife who still has her own life and set boundaries for those that she loves, is even better. Right?!

JulieW

I have been reading your progress and taking in all of the advise you have received. My story is a little different, but recovery is the only answer for my H and I. We both want it! I think you need confirmation that he is with you on this plan. It sounds like you are too afraid to voice many feelings in fear of upsetting him. What my H did was so hurtful that he was afraid he would hurt me even more. We found that we needed to communicate more (without too much emotion), because we need to know where we are in this recovery. I am very needy in needing confirmation these days. He knows it! So I ask.

I have (and will) spent too much time reading, searching for clues to see progress, and worring. I do not see how anyone of us can do anything else. I tell him everything I am doing and searching for on my bad days. I do not want to be the secret keeper as he was for so long. We are 1, and should move as one (atleast start again but more seriously).

I also believe that doing things for your H should not be done with needed thanks or recognition. Do it out of love, or atleast change your way of thinking to save your mind. It sounds like you have a past issue of chores and honey-do lists. You are not alone. I can be a martyr. Just make sure you ask him to do things once in awhile. This is just something I have learned over time (to help myself not be that martyr 24/7). This has nothing to do with respect, that is altogether another issue. It has to do with you and working on yourself.

Too long! Sorry

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I suppose that's a good place to start. I mean, he agreed to quit & NC when I confronted him, he's been more open to conversation, has found more to keep him busy around the house, and knows I'm reading SAA & working on getting us back into MC, but I've never asked straight out or described to him "the plan" (as I don't really know it yet!) so I need to do that.


Indeed I am. This has been a problem of mine for many years and has only invited additional problems in my relationships. I'm ready for it to be dead, this issue of my fear of talking/expressing myself to those I love, and IC will hopefully accomplish that.


Sounds like your recovery is imminent, and I admire that. I will follow your posts/progress as well. I need to remember that I cannot fix this alone, and that it's OK to ask for his involvement and continue to be open & honest with him, while showing him what a great wife I am, keeping in mind what is and what isn't acceptable. Deep breath. It's a lot. I'm still learning. Thank you for your input.