Some weeks ago, I asked my FWW if herself and the OM had shared any mementos during their EA/PA. She admitted that she'd sent him a few "friendship" cards that she'd created, using poems about friendship that she found on the Internet.

I suggested that perhaps it's best if those cards are retrieved and perhaps destroyed. I guess part of me wants to see what is on those cards, if only to confirm that my FWW hasn't been telling me half the truth - something she did several times during and after D-Day, "to avoid hurting me" she says (though I think it's quite a bit more than that).

However, both herself and and OM are currently following NC agreement. Bringing up the issue of the cards is likely to break that agreement.

What am I to do?

I suggested to her that she print out copies of the cards so I can see them. She said she deleted the copies. I suggested looking in the Recycle Bin on her PC and retrieving the deleted copies from there. She replied she regularly clears out the Recycle Bin so they won't be there any more. Finally I suggested that I contact the OM instead and request that the originals be returned as quickly and as quietly as possible. To this she responded with an emphatic no.

Of course that's made me more curious than ever about exactly what it is that she put on those cards.

So, once more I beginning to suspect that I'm getting only half the truth from her, and as a result my feelings are being affected accordingly.

Seems I'm doomed to a "recovery" where the truth is going to be served to me in small dribbles that have to be squeezed out one droplet at a time, leaving me to hurt a lot more and a lot longer than necessary.

Sometimes I wish my FWW was just a bit more understanding of the issues that can drag out a recovery.

There is no point in worrying about what the OM has...let that go!

I'd have more worries if she was actually holding on to anything from him, myself. It sounds like she's willing to be up front an honest about things which is a good thing.

Did she tell you if he'd sent her anything? And does she still have any of those momentos if he had?

My wife had bookmarked a couple of online cards she'd sent to OM during their EA...and she'd forgotten that she had done so. But I could tell by looking at the last accessed date that she'd not used that bookmark since d-day. So, we deleted the bookmarks, and I know that she's gotten rid of everything else that she had from the A.

He may still have those sites bookmarked and go to them everyday...but so what? The affair is over, she's does NOT want anything to do with him anymore, and so OUR lives are better. I really don't care about what's going on in OM's life as long as it's not part of mine and my wife's.

Thanks Owl.

My concern though now is not only about what the OM might have, but what exactly was on those cards. As you can imagine, I'm now more curious than ever.

I've asked her if he ever gave her anything while the A was going on. She says no. The PA lasted a year and the EA for quite a bit longer than that, so I find that a little bit difficult to believe as well.

Contacting OM, in any way is a BAD idea. No good will come from this. I know you don't want to hear this but you need to let this go or it will drive you crazy. At this point does it matter what was in those cards?

I can understand how you feel friend...really. But at this point, does it really matter what was on those cards? Ask your wife if you really want to know...hopefully she'll be honest and tell you.

But regardless, she can't take it back, and knowing what she said back when she was in the depth of the fog will only hurt you and set back your recovery. Focus on this: It's how she feels NOW that matters most!

But...if you're THAT set on figuring out what was on them...

1. Ask her for keywords that were likely on the card... (love, OM's name, etc...). Do a search on her PC for files with those words in the name or title. Even if she deleted them, it's possible that there is still a data file or something floating around that you can still see. Not sure on when this was, so it's possible that there's nothing left on the PC by now.

2. If you know that she did them for a certain date (i.e...his b-day), then search for files created during the time frame she would have made the cards.

3. If she uses Outlook for her email, then use the advanced find option to look for those same keywords and dates. If you know his email address, look for that.

To be honest, I'm not interested in the the content as much as whether or not the content matches my FWW's description of it.

I guess that I'm looking for ways to rebuild the trust that I lost in her (or perhaps confirm that the trust is still absent).

I did ask. She says she doesn't remember. Something else I find a bit difficult to believe, as we're only talking about a few months ago (unless she's been a bit careless with the timing as well).



It's a possibility. But they've been similar "revelations" between us in the past, and the hurt hasn't been that much. We've gone over the major hurtful things already (I hope!).

What DOES set back my recovery though is when I feel that she's hiding things from me, or telling me half the truth.


She's not "in love" with me, but she's trying to recover the marriage as she believes it is the right thing to do. That was the last version.


I'm really NOT comfortable going and spying about on her PC. I'll probably let this go instead.