Hello.

I've previously posted (a lot!) over on GQII but I feel it's more appropriate for me to be here now.

My WH blitzed my world on April 2nd when he told me he’d been having an A since just before Christmas and was leaving me for the OW. We have two girls together, 5 and 12, and have been married for 12 years this August. He left the next day, and moved straight in with the OW.

He wanted a divorce, and as soon as possible. I applied for the papers, all ready to divorce him for adultery (I still loved him but felt the situation was hopeless – obviously this was long before I found MB). Then I thought to myself: why should I fill these papers out, why should I pay the court fee? I gave the papers to WH and told him to do it (he has no grounds – he’d have to make something up citing ‘unreasonable behaviour’).

He has mentioned divorce twice since then. First time he said it would be best for everyone to make a ‘fresh start’. The last time, in July, he said he would be sorting the divorce out over the summer break (he and OW are both teachers).

We are halfway into September and I have heard nothing. Things have deteriorated between WH and me. I am not in an official plan B, but I have no contact with him either. This is helpful, it decreases my pain, but I am extremely anxious waiting for him to file.

I don’t think I want a divorce – I still think that we could have a marriage, but I found it hard to do any kind of plan A – I exposed OK, but it just drove WH further away – he avoided me because of it so I wasn’t able to show him any of the positives of plan A! Now we aren’t speaking, I am waiting for him to file – and I don’t know what to do.

Is it possible he doesn’t want to file? Perhaps he is too busy, or the forms are too complex (he says he can’t afford an atty, although I have one). If he needs to discuss things with me, I’d have thought he’d try to contact me, but he doesn’t.

I’m in limbo, and it’s driving me nuts. Where is this going?

Alph.

Alph
If your WH wanted to divorce you he would divorce you. you can imagine the pressure from OW on WH to divorce you.

You are choosing to fill in the time while your WH does not divorce you with....well... waiting for him to divorce you.


I would suggest something more useful, like investing in yourself, properly plan B'ing ANYTHING that will leave you with benefits whether you D or not.

No choice is a choice Alph. Waiting for WH to divirce you is a choice. You coudl just a seasily choose to something else.

Your choice darl'.

I hope all is well.

{{{{Alph}}}}

Hi bob.

Actually, I am doing a lot for myself these days and not just sitting around waiting for WH to divorce me.

The fact that he has told me he will file, and is taking his time about it, is irritating. I am sick of being in limbo. If he wants the divorce, fine – let him get on with it! If he doesn't, he should let me know.

If anything is preventing me from moving on and making changes it's this situation.

I thought that because this was the divorcing forum, I could post here about divorce and not be scolded. I'm just venting – that doesn't mean that my life has come to a standstill.

Alph.

Edited to add: What a grumpy post that was - sorry b0b. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think you are doing well.
I am impressed that you are not chosing choas.

Good luck in what ever comes of this!

** you are a better person than I because if my H left and lived with another woman for that long I would not take him back

Sorry Alph.

I meant no scolding.

Good luck.

Yesterday I received a letter from my atty.

When WH said he was going to file over the summer break, I instructed my atty to take service of the documents. They haven't heard anything from him and want to know how to proceed.

What do I tell them? I don't know how to read the WS mind!

He still has his house keys, although I've asked him to return them. His mail is still being delivered here, although I've asked him many times to arrange to have it redirected. He still hasn't filed, although he was so eager in April when he left, and still insistant in July when we last spoke.

It's like he's clinging onto his old life by his fingernails.

Alph.

He has his keys and still gets his mail there?? You are too good. I would have changed the locks and thrown his mail in the trash. No offense, but you are being too good to him. He apparently realizes he can take advantage of you, so he is. No telling what he is telling OW, she I bet doesn't know the ball is in his court. He's probably telling her that you won't cooperate. Does he try to see the kids?? Is he keeping up any financial obligations he had to you and the kids before he left?? More info please.

Foolishtoo

No offense taken. My mother says the same.

He is seeing the kids - he sees them twice a week, but he takes them out - I won't let him in the house any more. He's been told by my atty that OW can't meet the kids until we are divorced.

Financially, we are doing OK, although I am on welfare now - I am a SAHM. He is still paying all the bills he did before he left, but hasn't given me any housekeeping or money for the kids since he left. He says he can't afford it. He and OW are living on about £70,000 ($124,000) between them.

When I left my exhusband although I was still on the deed, I gave him my housekeys back. Afterall he didn't have a key to my apt.

Change your locks if you can possibly afford it.

When I got tired of getting WxH's mail I had it forwarded for him. I don't know if it works in the UK the same way it works here, but I found out what his address was (didn't tell him about it) and then I went to the US Postal service web site online, and requested a change of address for him. I was able to change the address just for him - not the boys and I - to his new address with OW. It took about 3 days, and then I finally stopped getting his mail. I am sure he was surprised when it just started showing up at his other place!! Especially when the porn magazines started showing up over there!

The really funny thing is,after he and OW were no longer together he told me that after the change of address went through, they started getting "junk mail" in my name at their place! Not my regualr mail, but apparantly some of the junk mail type lists get old or bad information from other lists, and they were sending stuff address tot he two of us - at his condo with the OW!! He said that she would get Sooooo mad whenever something showed up in her mail box with my name on it! It was jsut advertisements, and junk that I wouldn;t want anyway.

You know what might be funny - why not go to a couple of web sites and order catalogs to be deilvered in YOUR name at THEIR address! I would start with the Victorias Secret catalog! That would be funny. Just one more way to make the homewrecking OW upset! Oh, and childrens clothing catalogs too! In your name - just a remindeer to them that he has a wife, and you are taking care of the children. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LOL! Y'know, WOF5, a couple of months ago I would have loved to do something like this. But now - I just don't care any more. As far as I'm concerned, the man I loved and married is dead now. I've been mourning for nearly six months, and although he'll always be the father of my children, I'll never feel the same about him again.

He and OW are welcome to each other. I have other priorities now - my two girls and myself.

Alph.

Hi Alphin,

I'm in major limbo myself. My WH is competing for the title of biggest conflict avoider in the universe. I don't know what the man wants.

I think there will come a time when WE, the BS will have to make the decisions. I don't know the laws in the UK but where I live, who files doesn't make much difference. I think I'm coming to the point where I need to have a little closure. It's lot better to be proactive about things than to have them happen to you. I'm at nearly a year into this mess. I think time changes how you look at things.

Don't worry about coming to GQ2. I don't think it matters where you post as long as your friends are there.

Hi Grapegirl.

I've been doing this only half as long as you, but I feel like I'm done - and have since I established no contact with WH.

I'm not doing an official plan B - I couldn't bring myself to write the letter, because I felt it would have been a lie (telling him I loved him and wanted him back etc).

But I am enjoying the benefits of no contact! Nothing has made me feel better, in fact. I have seen WH a couple of times through the window when he comes to pick the girls up in the past three weeks or so (he looks like an old man) but nothing more. I am beginning to stop wondering about him and the OW, I am beginning not to care any more.

It doesn't matter who files in the UK, either. If you file, you have the chance to control the speed of the process somewhat, but that's it. WH is supposed to be divorcing me on the grounds of 'unreasonable behaviour' but even though this is a 'fault' divorce, you can deny the 'unreasonable behaviour' but not contest the divorce. So it turns into a 'no fault' divorce.

It just irritates me that he was the one who could barely restrain his eagerness for divorce when he first left - and now it's like he can't be bothered with the paperwork.

By the way, I was watching The Simpsons on TV with the DDs last night. Marge and Homer were having a bad argument. Lisa says to Bart 'Do you think they'll get divorced?' Bart says 'No - I can't see dad dealing with all the paperwork.'

It was very apt! How helpful to begin to see WH as Homer Simpson! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

WH=Homer Simpson? I love it except that Homer has always truly loved his wife. Even though he came close in to infidelity in the episode with the country singer (maybe others, I haven't seen them all), he's always there in his own nutty way for Marge.

Alphin, it's probably time for both of us to move on. The man my husband has become is a ridiculous person. He doesn't live with OW but he still sees her. He hangs out at bars and does things that make him look like a joke. It's hard to respect and love a man who acts like an idiot. I guess I'm not Marge.

On the plus side, at least your WH sees your kids. Things are very different here.

Yes, I am grateful that he hasn't forgotten about the kids.

I sent a letter to WH and my atty yesterday. In my letter to WH, I explained that it was no longer acceptable for him to arrange to see the girls at a moment's notice, or to arrive late all the time. I also laid out what I was prepared to offer him in visitation once we are divorced (one afternoon a week after school, and alternate weekends).

I also told him that any mail for him delivered to my address would be returned to sender.

I sent a copy of this letter to my atty, with a cover note apologising for WH's lack of manners in not replying to her.

Darn - I feel like his mother. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

One time, not long after D-day, my WH was sitting on a bench while we (or maybe just me)were attempting to discuss our relationship. He had the guilty-ist, most unrepentent expression and body language possible. I had to tell him that all he needed was a dunce cap. He looked just like a little boy put in time-out in the naughty chair. I felt like the big, bad teacher who'd put him there.

Not only do I feel like the mother to everyone, I feel like the only responsible adult in this relationship. I must say that recently WH has moved from pouty little boy to pouty teenager. Everybody knows that teenagers are just big 2 year olds.

I can only hope that some day, WH will turn beet red every time he thinks about the way he has acted during this time period. Then again, he may never come out of the fog. It's becoming less and less of my concern.

Alphin,

I've been missing you in GQII! I keep forgetting to check here for your news.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. THIS IS NOT FUN! that's for sure.

I've been everywhere, sad, resigned, ready to get a divorce, back to hoping, not hoping but determined to earn my way out.

That's about where I am now. Plan Bing and trying to make the best of life.

Just wanted to let you know that I will keep you in my prayers and will be watching out for your news.

cc <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hey Grapegirl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Yeah, same here. I doubt very much I'll be around to watch his embarrassment, however. I find myself making more and more plans about what I'll do with my new-found freedom, if WH gets off his backside and divorces me as promised! There is so much I want to do, and I'm no longer afraid of being alone. I've been with a man (one or another!) since I was 17. That's now more than half my life. I need and want to spend time alone.

CC, thanks for missing me. I'm not so down, really - it just seems that way when I post on MB! I guess we all come here for support and encouragement, so the way we feel about our lives is a little bit distorted on the boards. Mostly I am doing really, really well. I just moan a bit on here when WH irritates me!

That's all he is now, really - an irritation.

I think about you a lot, too. {{{cc46}}}

Alph.

Alphin,

I'm glad you are doing better than you sound. That is very important and the whole MB philosophy! You end up a being a success whether your H comes back or not.

I'm still "feeling" like I have since d day although outwardly I guess not many realize. I have been able to function quite well at work, and that's very important because I got a great job I just don't enjoy as much as I could because the "feelings" aren't there. But I've realized that feelings are just feelings...

I have been hoping to get a trip for work and that has come true. I'll be going to Brazil in december for a few days. Traveling takes my mind off things. It's like living in a fantasy world.

I wish you all the best. You are very brave.

Thanks, CC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was talking to MIL on the telephone yesterday. When he and OW last visited with her, WH was all full of divorce talk - 'I've got the papers; I'm going to file, like, yesterday!' This was the beginning of August. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

MIL says she's going to ask him how the D is progressing when they next visit her (this weekend). And she's going to make sure she asks him in front of OW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I love my MIL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Alph.