My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married 11 months of those years. I discovered he was getting a little close to a co-worker at his part time job about a month and a half ago but I figured he was just being his friendly self and plus she was planning on moving back to N.Y. in a week so I thought I had nothing to worry about. A month ago today I was at home when I heard my H cell phone ring (he was not home) I recognized the name that came up as being this OW that he worked with. She left a message so I listened to the message and heard her say that she was just wanting to talk to him before she went to work seeing it was 7:30 a.m. I then went on to hear another message that was saved on his phone about her saying how she was on her dinner break and wanted him to give her a call or to leave her a message because she really liked his messages. Then another message was also saved saying that she had just got home (10:00 p.m.) and no one else was home so it was safe for him to call.
I confronted H about these calls and he insisted that she was just a friend that she lived in N.Y. and they were just being friendly. Well i freaked and told him those messages where to warm and fuzzy feeling and that I wanted him to end all contact with OW.
So about two weeks had passed and I thought everything was already settled, but then I found out he was still talking to her and he kept telling me she was just a friend and he enjoyed talking to her about spirituality.(This is something he has all of a sudden became interested in because she knows alot about it) I then told him I thought we had already came to an aggreement he was not to talk to her and he made all kinds of stuff up about why they were still talking. Well then a couple days later I recieved a $500.00 phone bill and then realized that they were talking to each other everyday Mon. thru Fri. 5 to 7 times a day. I really freaked then and started to go into depression. I could not believe that this was happening. I confronted him again and he said he didn't realize they were talking that much and he assured me they were not talking anymore.
Well 2 days later I checked his phone and saw he had been talking to her and then I also found a picture of them together that he had been carrying around in his pocket for a month. At that point I told him I want to start counseling. I contacted the OW to find out what was going on I was able to have a calm conversation with her and find out what was going on between them. She had aggreed it was just a friendship but she admitted to me there was attraction between them. My husband never said anything to that degree so I was happy I called her to find that info. out. Still thorugh all of this H will not admit anything more than a friendship with this OW. Last Thursday I decided to call the OW back to ask her straight out if they had every kissed, touched., etc. She said that they did have dinner together one night and then went back to his car and held hands and then kissed. She did say she had no intentions of coming back to where we live and she said there was no sex. I then again confronted my husband with this info. and he said it was just a friendly kiss.
I feel like I need him to acknowledge that it was more than just a friendship. I feel that he dismisses my feeling by not admitting there was more even if they didn't have sex.
Yesterday I had to contact the OW again because she was still contacting my husband. My husband did tell me she was calling him and that he wanted to be honest about it. He aggrees not to talk to her again.
Last night he told me he is not sure if we can move past all this and that he doesn't want to live his life with someone he feels may never trust him again. He has showed some guilt for what he has done but not very much. I feel that he may never come around. I find myself wanting to comfort him and be affectionate but I wonder if he wants me to do that because he doesn't really respond.Should I stop being affectionate until he come around?
I feel that this is so incredibly unfair that I have to be the strong one when I feel that I am running on empty and I don't get anything in return on his part.
He has also said through talking to OW he feels that she stimulated him mentally and that he has never been connected to anyone like that in his life. That he looked at life differently know and wondered if his life is now on a different level than before. He said that he doesn't know if he can find his way back to us.
I do know that we were having some issues before the A took place but nothing that we couldn't work on. I have told him I want this to work and that I realize I was not meeting his emotional needs.
I guess my fear is that he is just going to give up because he thinks this is to hard to fix. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to move on past this. I don't want to be 10 years down the road and still think about what happened.
I don't want to loose my H but I feel that I am everyday.
Please give me some advice this is my first marriage and the first time I have ever been involved in and A. He has never been involved in an A either but he has been M before.
I don't know what to do PLEASE HELP

How old are you guys? More details would help.

Your husband is lying his a** off to you. He is "in love" with his little fling and the just friends crap is universal psychobabble for at least an EA.

Now, go read about Plan A and implement it. Spy on his sorry self however you can. YOU are in the right here and have every right to snoop to your heart's content.

You want your marriage back? Then it's time to get tough. Expose him to his friends, family, and since he works with OM, his coworkers too. He will be pissed, but that's life, you're trying to save your marriage.

Go get to it, then come back to this forum (Gen Quetions II is busier) and wiser, calmer heads than mine will chime in.

Move it!

Well as of Tuesday, 9-13, there has been NC between H and the OW. I found out he talked to her again and I called here and firmly told her not to call him again. So far so good. As far as I know.
Since my last post my feelings are different for my H. I feel very angry that he choose this path instead of trying to work through this temtation. I find myself wondering if my H is thinking about her whenever there is another woman around with the same color hair or something of that nature. I feel that I don't have control to seperate reality from emotions. I consume myself with bad thoughts about myself and wonder if those are the things that made it easier for my H to stray.
I guess the hardest thing is feeling like I am no longer the "one", that I now have the booby prize.
My H says he doesn't know how he let himself go that far. However he does contribute it to not being fulfilled in our relationship. So that is where my guilt comes from. He wants to try and work on our marriage and we are currently seeing a MC ( 1 visit so far) I am having a hard time focusing on those issues because I feel consumed by the A. H does not give me the support I feel I need. He does not reinforce his love for me by being affectionate or telling me he loves me. His attitude has not changes at all. He tells me it is hard for him to do those things because he feels hurt by the things that were happening before the A. Those things being lack of respect, poor communication, and overall good relationship. Those are things that he feels I was lacking in, he is very big on respect. (he a cop) I think sometimes he confuses respect with bad communication.
I guess I just want some input, but I also want to know how do I move on successfully. Do I need to deal with my feeling about the A first? I feel like that could take forever. I don't feel that I can give 100% on trying to better our marriage because of all the negative feelings I have toward my H. Any advice would be of great help.