My H called me today and he felt upset because he thought I was continually omitting something or misrepresenting the truth.

So for those of you who have been keeping up with my story, I want to make sure that everything is 100% clear.

I have mentioned several times that my H wanted a D at the beginning of the summer, and that was what I used as my "excuse" (at the time) to call OM after NC. No...there are no excuses for my selfish and thoughtless actions. I take full responsibility for what I did. I will do my best to paint an accurate picture of the immediate events that led up to that point.

At the end of May, my H and I had both felt very discouraged. We were at a standstill in our MC, and were starting to slide backwards. This made me start thinking about OM. At this point, it was all just thoughts. And I hadn't gotten to the point yet where I thought of OM negatively, so I started feeling very confused about my M ... much like in the beginning. I had been journaling and I wrote something about how I wasn't sure if I could see a future with my H. My MC suggested I share my journal entry with my H, and after I did that, he told me that he had though about D for about a month and had even talked with our MC about it in their individual sessions. When he told me that, I felt numb and just said ok, even though I had never wanted a D (and I still don't).

So whenever I mention how my H wanted a divorce at the beginning of the summer, this is the complete story behind it.

mws1230 ... I want you to see that I don't want to hold anything back and that I want to be radically honest about everything to everyone that needs my honesty. You, first and foremost, deserve my honesty, even when it is hard. And I want to be honest here on MB so that people can offer the most accurate advice possible. Please know that sometimes when I say things, it all makes sense in my mind and forget that people can often take my words and find more meaning in them than I had intended.

mws1230 - you don't "get it" yet, do you? What do you do when your ability to trust another human being is gone and you just don't know what to believe or who to trust?

You trust Jesus. You let Him lead. You let Him carry you when you feel weak and lost (he's strong enough).

YOU, mws1230, are God's annointed "stand-in" for Christ in your covenant of marriage with GOD and with your wife. God never breakes His covenants, will you?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1Cor 13:4-8a NIV)

mws1230, we Betrayed Spouses KNOW the sorts of feelings that assail you. We KNOW the hurt, the pain, the seeming hopelessness of the situation. We KNOW how HARD it is to "forgive as Christ has forgiven me." There is even a side of us who knows how the "unmerciful slave" felt when his emotions and pride and greed overtook him and he refused to forgive the small amount that was owed him even after the master had forgiven him completely of all his huge debt.

God does NOT ask us to do the easy. He challenges us, He commands us, to do the HARD, for His glory, because it is WHEN we are most weak and incapable that God can do the most in our lives.

I'd still love to talk with you a little about your thoughts and struggles if you'd like "one more" viewpoint before walking the finality of death of your marriage covenant.

God bless.

Forever...my H sent me a text message and I wanted to at least let you know that he read what you said. His comment to me though, was, "I get a headache when I think about trying to post on that forum again and explain everything to all those people, well meaning though they are." It would be nice if he responded, but where he is at right now, I don't think he will.

My H would like for me to share this journal entry with the board. The journal is sitting in my desk at work, but I will post it on Monday. I am posting this now so that at least someone can keep me accountable to do that.

Ok, I promised to share my journal entry, but first I want to preface it. For an entire month, my H had started to withdraw from the relationship. He questioned whether it could work. I wasn't a saint either and I wasn't always putting forth 100%. But I can say that seeing that in him, my rock through the whole process, made me question it myself and it made me feel confused. It also made me think about OM, though I made no contact at this time. In my "fog" state, I wrote this:

I keep listening to the radio every morning and they talk about the "Z Dad of the Day" (a contest the local Christian radio station was having). I don't know why but lately I have been thinking a lot about having a family. Only no matter how many times I close my eyes and try to picture one, I can't see H as part of that family. I don't know that I want him to be.
I don't think this sex issue between us is anything more than me not attracted to him. He is a wonderful man, but he isn't someone I want to show off. I am not attracted to him, and there is nothign he can change to make me feel differently. We don't have much in common either. We are such different people.
We an work on our communication until we are blue in the face. We can get to a point where all of our fighting is healthy, but that doesn't make a marriage. And I don't think we have enough between us to ever have the kind of marriage that God intends two people to have.
I know that I love H. That won't change. But I don't think I am in love with him. I've wanted to be saying "I'd like to think I am in love with him" but I am just deceiving myself. I can't pinpoint what happened in our relationship that made me feel this way, but it's been there longer than we've been married. I married him because we were comfortable, I didn't want to let anyone down, and I didn't want to be alone. I think no matter what happens from here on, someone is still going to be let down. But I feel more alone now than I did when I was single."

I read that now and I see so many things that seem to be "textbook fog talk." And I can understand what made me say a lot of those things. We weren't depositing units into each other's love banks so of course there wasn't a feeling of love. Love is about action, and at that point, we both weren't doing the right actions to build up our love for each other. We didn't really know how. All we did in MC was talk about communication and talk about the A, but we never really came up with any concrete steps of things we could do to rebuild our love for each other. Our MC talked a lot in abstract ways, and that isn't how I learn. She would say things and I would constantly have to ask "what does that look like" and even then I still wasn't sure. But after two session with Jennifer, I understand what it looks like and how to make it happen.

Wow, this was long.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

ME TOO

sometimes I give myself a headache <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Keep reading even if you never post .... hang in there !

We're all pulling for ya even if you are posting by proxy LOL

I don't know if he read that Pep, but thanks.

Question for everyone ... does my journal above come across as fog speak to you?

Oh Yes Cinny Girl, FOG FOG FOG-A FOG FOG!!! We could have called you "FOGGY MC FOGGERSON" back then- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />LOL! Sounds like some of the same baloney that I was spewing during my A...doesn't it just make you wanna hurl when you look back?

I've never posted to you before, but I do read your threads and I am rooting for the two of you...Tell your H that he doesn't have to come and post a bunch of long stuff...he can just read, and maybe just post on some of the funny threads from time to time...comic relief can sometimes be a great stress reliever!

I wish you two the very best, and I'll add you to my prayers...Good Luck!

Mrs. Wondering