Hi- Im not doing very well- WH said he has no feelings for me. He loves me as a friend not as in love. We sat and talked the other day- he says that we can be friends- we have kids but the other feelings he has lost for me.
He said if we have sex its because of a need and not to look into him coming home. after all of this before he left he says - one day maybe well get back together and i looked at him and said - i have bent over backwards working with you- trying to give you space- dealing with everything- being loving and pouring my heart out to you and you have kicked me down each and everytime. Now you say you dont love me in that way- but one day maybe well get back together????????? right.
I have felt so suicidal and down that I cant stand it.
For uor youngest birthday Saturday- he said he was going to come and spend the day with him and the others- well he calls Saturday and says I have to work come out to the job and ill give you money and take them to get gifts and lunch. It seems like once in a while the fog will lift and then he goes back to her house and the next day he is cold to me.
He also was to spend time with daughter today- and he calls and says oh i have to work come tommorrow.
I feel so bad for the kids because they love him and hes seems to be pulling away. I talked to him about it and he says no im not pulling away- im overreacting.
He says he talks to the kids and they dont say7 anything about him not spending time.

I dont know what to do- my Daughter is now saying that we are both selfish because i am to wrapped up in him and he is too wrapped up with OW.
I talked to her and says to move on. I have tried and tried and dont know why i still want my husband after all this?
He is so uncaring towards me and I really feel like they will be better off if i left. Yes I did get the Anti D's
but there is no hope. He dosent want me.
Where do you turn when you have someone who dosent want you and all you see is the love that you had but he dosent see me?

bump up please

Where do you turn...MIMI oh Mimi....can you somehow post a link to your story? HurtinOk turned me onto the post and all I can say is WOW!! Winter honey somehow read Mimi's story...it will give you power, courage and strength. Mimi is just one of the many lucky one's on here...a real hero who has been there done that.

mimi i really need your help

Winter,

Go to the index and go to cc46's thread ... One the first page there is a link to Mimi's story... I can't remember how far down but you will see it in a post.

Read it, it is amazing ... Its long but its well worth the read....

Hurting

i cant find it- can you get the link?

I will try winter

winterkisses, your husband is still in his affair and you are not in recovery, so why should his statement of "not being 'in-love' with you cause such shock and consternation. That is textbook Wayward Spouse speak and almost all Betrayed Spouses have heard the same thing...I know I did.

You are just past Discovery and he has not committed to dumping the OW and recommitting to the marriage. I'm not sure why you are in "plan B," since it would seem you've had precious little time in Plan A. But suffice it to say, if you ARE in plan B, what are you doing talking with your husband about anything?

You seem to be sabotaging your own attempts to end his affair and give recovery an opportunity.

I take it that faith in God has no role in his life, so we already know he is motivated by selfish desires and concerns. LOSS of you and his children may provide the "selfish motivation," for him to come to his senses, but you tell him plainly that IF he causes a divorce, don't plan on getting back together EVER, and plan on as little interaction with the children as you can manaage to protect them from someone who thinks Adultery is an "okay" lifestyle, along with the lying and selfishness that goes with it.

Hardball time, Winterkisses. The affair MUST end before you have any hope of recovery.

God bless.

Winter,

Got to the index here and go to cc46's planb thread and the link is in the 9th post on page 1 ... I tried to copy the link but it would not work for some reason .....

I told him that he is losing his family- his mom told him also. He got mad and said he loves his kids and not to say he is not taking care of them! I told him the affair with vanessa has to end. He looked at me and said its not what you think over there and Im not ready to come home yet.
The plan A i have tried to work- it seems like it may work and like i said no real progress- he moved out to a motel for a week and moved right back with her. He tells me he has no money to move and get space to think. Right....
She is not going to stay with him long - I know with no money , 2 broken down cars, and debt. Please sex can only do so much- and why is he still trying to get with me if everything is so great with her???

WK, I'm not Mimi but Mimi has done a lot for me. I think you'd appreciate anything at this point. I don't know your story but I'll try. Maybe some of my story will sound familiar.

In many way, your situation mirrors mine. My D-day was about 10 months ago. My relationship with my WH has grown progressively worse. I was a wreck for a long time. Things were confusing after D-day. I think he had this misconception that we could just be friends. Now, he's detached from everything. I believe that WH loves his new single lifestyle. OW is still present althought WH will admit that she has other boyfriends. But, I don't think she demands much which is good because he doesn't have much to give. Chances are they mostly talk about work and f***. WH can work at his demanding job for as many hours as he chooses. He can go out for a beer as long and often after work as he likes. There is no lawn to mow, no garbage to put out, no hairy dogs, no school program to attend. He has an apartment filled with new expensive things. He no longer deals with the realities of life like cleaning house, checking homework or disciplining children.

The other side of it is that his children don't like him. Our 2 sons call him the "wallet". WH has no idea about how to hold a conversation with them. DD refuses to speak to him. She is the only one who has EVER been to his apartment and that was back in January. WH has not attended any of DD's soccer, softball or basketball games or any school event for the past year. He barely made time for the high school graduation. WH didn't call his mother on Mother's Day until nearly 9:30 pm. WH lies whenever possible, even if the truth would do perfectly well.

My kids know which parent is there for them. I go to the games and the activities. I know their friends. I can talk to all 3 of my kids. We respect and understand each other. We have become much closer for all the crap WH has put us through.

All I can say you probably need to think seriously about going into Plan B. I wished I had done it sooner. It's hard, very hard. You need to detached yourself from the situation. Detached yourself from WH. He will keep yanking your chain. He'll get involved with you and your family and then pull away. Don't leave your house. He is the one that needs to leave. Perhaps in some ways you are being selfish. You cannot change your WH. Although you are definitely hurting beyond belief, you need to be there for your kids. You need to protect them. You need to find the energy to be with them. In the long run, coming out of your sadness to be there for them will be the best thing you can do.

No WS is worth taking your life for.

I'll be around tonight if you need more support.

I know what you mean winter I keep saying the same thing.... I have to be honest with you thats why I finally has to do planb.... I could not take it anymore and I was afraid of losing what love I had left for him.... You may be getting close to that yourself....

PlanB is hard but it may be just what you need to make yourself sane ad make him see what he is losing.... I would think about it.... maybe one of the pros here can help you with it...

grapes- thanks for the support- and you too hurting / forevers- It got pretty bad today- i lost my temper and said that it should have been me to have the affair- move and for him to hurt like i hurt.
I keep trying to climb out of this valley and i slip right down. I cant concentrate in school or anything- and i just got a scholarship today??????? I should be happy - i have a 3.0 gpa thats what its for ( I go to school at nite- full time_) and I am not happy about anything.
I sat on the couch today after I had the convo with him - and all i could think was Im tired and I wish the pain would end.
I know the kids need their mom but I dont even love me like I used to.
My church memebers/ family say oh it takes about a year to 6 mos- even my uncle who left his wife before for ow said 6 mos to a year- but the holidays are coming up, im looking for a new job, i miss my mom, my dad, and all i can think of is i wish i could see or talk to them.

Winter,

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I know how bad your hurting and its one of the worst things you can imagine.

But it will get better. I didn't think it would but it does. I still have bad days and today was one of them but mostly they are pretty good...

IMHO I think its time you really considered planB... You need the rest and to be away from the chaos. Its hard at first but it does get better.....

If i write him the letter- his response from the last one was oh i kept the other letters- i know how you feel. he just sat there with the stupid grin on his face. like nothing i do matters and he is amused.

his mom tells me to go out and find someone else. He's not the only fish in the sea and even though its her son - and she dosent like what he is doing- he needs to wake up. i dont even see anyone looking at me.

Wow my MIL has told me the same thing ..... I have explained to her that I don't want anyone else. But if in time we do divorce that may happen. She says I don't deserve this and she just wants me to be happy...

If you write him the planb letter you need to post it here so the pros can look at it and edit it if need be.... You have to make sure it says the right things.....

So think about it and don't do anything with some help from the pros.....

I don't know how I learned it but I came to realize that I could not believe anything that my WH said to me. WSes lost in the fog are working to try to convince themselves that they don't love you. Well, in fact, he does not feel "in love" with you right now.

I held on to what Steve Harley told me: IF HE LOVED YOU IN THE PAST, HE CAN LOVE YOU AGAIN...

Steve said to me: "You've got to get this!"

*THE AFFAIR IS AN ADDICTION

*LOVE IS A VERB

He wanted me to get these concepts in my situation. Hopefully, this will be helpful to you.

Try to disregard what HE is saying and MOVE FORWARD WITH YOUR OWN PLAN!!! He wants you to enable him in his A by going along with his point of view of not loving you, not being able to love you, being his friend, etc.

I told my H that I did not want to be his friend. I would continually say, "I am your wife. If I can't be your wife, then I don't want to have a R with you..(or something like this). Even if you don't love me right now, I want to work on our marriage. You have loved me and can love me again." BTW, THIS HAS PROVED TO BE TRUE....

You said:



Another concept I want to help you with is that THE FOG WILL NOT LIFT UNTIL HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT WITH HER FOR 3 TO 6 MONTHS...

He is being a cake-eater and at the RIGHT TIME PLAN B will be necessary...

I'm not sure about your PLAN A. What are his PRIMARY ENs? What is the attraction to the OW?

This will take WORK..recovering your marriage will not be MAGICAL..I felt like you did. I wanted to snap my finger, shake him and make it happen. I had to face that it would not work that way. I had to face that we had longstanding marital problems that led to this. That was no excuse for him having an A. However, MY WORK helped bring an end to it.

Another thing: STOP LISTENING TO YOUR DAUGHTER, MIL or ANYONE ELSE about what you need to do. If I had listened to my own mother, I would be divorced today. Folks will tell you to "go on with your life; find somebody else". It's your choice but I choose to fight for OUR MARRIAGE. It was a risk that I took. It was a hard struggle. If the ending was D, I wanted to at least feel assured in knowing that I had tried my best....

Winter---I 've found it's better sometimes not to speak with WW even in while in plan A, as she always tries to bait me into an argument and then afterwards I'm the one left hurting, as she can go "get comfort" from OM.I've heard the same things,"I'm not ready to come home"(as if this is a vacation), I love him---I hope we can remain friends..Well truthfully I don't want to be friends with someone so selfish and uncaring. The children are able to distance themselves because it's a parent to them, not a life partner,spouse.
Hang in there girl!!!

Blah, blah, blah, what a bunch of hot air and fluff your WH is blowing your way...here it is


Right now WH's life is ALL ABOUT HIM! And YOUR life is ALL ABOUT HIM...that's a lot of time and energy spent on ONE person. I will tell you that 90% of your time and energy focused on him is WASTED. You are working too hard on a lost cause...not the M, but the WH. There is absolutely nothing you can do to convince the WH to come back... The only thing you can do is become the best W you can, work on Plan A, and when H sticks his head above the clouds he will see these changes. But me thinks it is time to get away from WH in Plan B, work on yourself and your family, and wait for H to come around again...