I'm new here and while I haven't posted my story yet (I will when I get the strength to write it) I was wondering if some of you guys could let me know some "expected" excuses/ reasonings etc. Your WS gives for leaving (this would be before he knows you know). Things like "I don't love you as much" etc.
I am pretty sure of an EA, just wanted to see what others have heard, etc. By the way, he moved out 5 weeks ago and after counseling Monday said he wants a divorce because he doesn't have the strength to work on the marriage since there is no guarantee. We have 2 sons and one on the way. Help if you can.

Advice from a FWW ... you can expect to hear "I love you but I'm not in love with you." That was one I used.

Perhaps "I don't think I am attracted to you anymore." (another one I used)

I will try to offer you more once you post your story.

Welcome - you will fit right in with all the other Texans here.

Let's see. Where is my list?

I love you, but am not in love with you. I just need some space. I need to find myself. It's not you, it's me. I'm all mixed up and just have to get my head on straight. She/he is just a friend. I just need to be on my own for awhile. Our whole marriage was a mistake. I never loved you. I've been miserable for years. It has nothing to do with her/him. I've felt this way for years. I just need time alone. I'm all stressed out. I don't know what to do.

That's for starters. I'm sure some others will chime in.

Welcome intexas.....

I have recieved a lot of them..... I love you but I'm not in love with you..... I have felt this way for the last 2 yrs.. or wait I mean 5 yrs, or wait 10 yrs time line gets longer and longer.... I wan a divorce, that one happens when they get mad.... I won't work on marriage because there is no guarentee it will work, but in same breath the R with the OW is guarenteed right??? and the list goes on and on .....

intexas, what is your H telling you is the problem? Who is the affair with? Have you exposed the affair?

believer!!!! Do you have microphones in my house. That just about made me want to cry except I'm in a coffee house right now, and I'm a guy, so that's just not acceptable.

Welcome aboard from yet another Texan (not by birth!!)!! Melody where are you?

My quotes as of lately (all said after he moved in with OW the same night he met her):
You hurt me
You ruined my life
I have no heart
I don't want to feel anything
I want to be your friend
What makes you think I don't still love you

Hi to you intexas - so sorry you have to be here.....This board is wonderful though and a great group of people are here to support you.

Here are some that my WH said: "The passion has always been off in our M." "There just might be something better out there." "If I had it to do all over again(the M), I wouldn't." OUCH.

Oh, & I also got the "You are a great mother & I love you as the mother of my child."

SO, intexas, give us some history here so the resident experts can help you!

Kim
D-Day, May 14th
DS, Age 5
Married 13 years
Re-exposed last week

Here's a short version of what has happened so far. A year ago I found e-mails that were questionable (I wish we could meet up by accident, etc.) but nothing pointing. I confronted him. He said they were friends. Immediately erased the hard drive. It stopped (I know this for sure because of WHO it was--it was HIGHLY innapropriate).
So, 2 months ago I checked his e-mail (kind of my safety net) because I have never really trusted him. He asked me if I had checked it. I lied and said no. He didn't believe me so i fessed up about 10 minutes later. Apologized for lying, said it was just my way of feeling secure. He blew up. Was VERY angry. Asked me to sleep on the couch all week. Our marriage was going okay, though, before this. We had conceived after trying for 6 months, had just bought a house, and were moving in the right direction. Went on a cruise for our anniversary, etc.
A week later he says he is not sure if he loves me as much as he did before. That I would never trust him and that my lack of affection for him (specifically my lack of a desire to kiss him) was too much for him. He didn't know what he wanted anymore. That I needed to work on me, he says.
So, I did. I truly did.
Then about 5-6 weeks ago, he says he is leaving. And he did. Moved to the new house (we were still living at the other one ((long story)) )He said I had made him feel so low and so weak and he couldn't handle it anymore. Trust me here, I admitted immedistely that I wasn't as affectionate as I could be. Said i didn't want to hurt him, etc.
He's been gone almost six weeks and now has decided I just can't meet his needs. I will never trust him. All we do is argue anyways, so it's not fair to our boys (4,2) to see us like this,(We didn't argue, by the way) etc. He says he needs a guarantee--is too weak to try. He says I pushed him to this etc.

Here's where the EA comes in. I get the cell bill. He warned me there would lots of calls to OW, but that she is a friend and they are just being there for each other becasue who else does he have now since he doesn't have me (I say--you have me--your family is home waiting for you). When I get the bill, there are SO MANY calls and TM's--some calls for 3 hours late into the early morning. He says her marriage is horrible too. I say this is dangerous. She has no place in your life, etc. I ask if her husband appreciates this. He says he knows and doesn't have a problem with it. They are just friends (they teach at the same HS). he says we can call her husband if I don't believe him. I say okay, let's call. He blows up, call me childish and a B**** (can i just say we are NOT a cursing family, so this was a shock to hear) and that if take this friendship from him he will hurt himself.

So...what do I do. I have no proof. He doesn't live at home. Wants to sell our new house. And now is saying he is sorry. Still loves me, BUT knows there is no other way.

Sorry--that was longer than I expected.

intexas,

Call her husband is what you do. That is step one. Call her husband and find out what he knows, doesn't know. This affair needs to see the light of day.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the replies so far.
He is also saying now that I was never there physically for him. That I never iniated and that when we did have "relations" I was doing it out of obligation. This hurts because a year ago I decided I wasn't fulfilling that area like I should be and started praying and trying to be better and not denying him. It happened like 3-4 times a week after that. Not bad I would think. He says I saw his needs and didn't care. I admit, he was vocal about me being more affectionate and I really didn't try my hardest. I tell him I can't change the past. I asked him how he justified this according to our beliefs. He says he deserves to be appy and that God would want him to be happy. that he has prayed about it and has peace. He is hurting so bad,he says. Cries when we talk about the kids. I am assuming his is guilt. People who know us are in shock becasue we are a good, Christian couple. We met at a Christian university, etc. Ugh. this isn't good, huh?

He is in the throes of a serious affair I am sad to say. Your best weapon is to expose this affair NOW to her H, his family, your family, close friends and possibly the workplace if they work together.

That is your first and most important step.

In the meantime, read everything you can on this website about Plan A and go buy the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley.

I am in Longview, where are you?

Sorry you need to be here, but I 'm glad you found a place to get support and see you through this. You'll find WS follow the same script most of the time.

I love you because you are the mother of my children, We're just friends, It has nothing to do with OP, I'm happy when I'm with OP, You don't understand me the way she does, You never supported me, you are trying to control me, the house isn't clean enough, the house is too clean, you were never there for me, you are always here I need space, You're fat,blah, blah, blah and yada, yada, yada. The list goes on and on.

What you won't hear is. "I'm leaving because I'm unhappy with myself and I don't want to take any responsibility for it. So I'm going to blame everything on you and ignore my problems and give all my attention to a selfish desturctive person who will temporarily think I am all that and a bag of chips."

intexas, a person in an affair is just like a falling down drunk. You will notice that your H is very irrational right now and has bizarre excuses for his behavior. He is doing the typical thing that a WS does in an affair: he is rewriting the history of your marriage to make it seem so bad that he is justified in having an affair.

Don't take it seriously. Just go by his actions, not his crazy, fogged out words.

What do I expose? That they talk on the telephone? He SWEARS they are just friends--that there is nothing wrong with having woman friends. That he has always has them and I knew that before I married him, etc. He also says that I am the most insecure person he ever met. He says I have stripped all self-confidence from him since I didn't desire him physically (so he says). This coming from the same person who tells me he can get anyone he wants and he knows it. His family and mine know. his sister is the one who says she thinks he has a girlfriend. He isn't speaing to them becasue he said I pit them in the middle and that was unfair of me.

Texas...trust me, that was not that long compared to some of the other posts you find on here!

I will try and think over what you said, but there was one thing that I was curious about. You said that you had conceived and then he made you sleep on the couch. Was this while you were pregnant?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I swear that is the first real chuckle I have had all day confused!

Listen to MelodyLane - expose to her husband because I will bet a million dollars he does NOT know the extent of this and he is NOT okay with it! Take it from someone who did it the wrong way - I didn't expose soon enough because I idiotically believed my FWH. I know you are desperate to believe that he could not do that to you and I know you are probably finding a million other "logical" explanations, but he is more than likely having a full blown affair. I didn't want to believe it either and I resisted all the advice until I couldn't ignore it anymore. It has hindered my recovery process greatly - please don't let it go...............

intexas, what you expose is that your H is having an AFFAIR and has left you. It doesn't matter what he calls it or how much he denies it, it is an AFFAIR. He knows it and you know it. If you need more proof, have his apartment watched. But I assure you if you call up the OWH and compare notes you will find out that he knows something too.

Yes, I am pregant now still--five months along. He didn't care that I slept on the couch. He knows it is high risk, too, which is why he is saying he wants to file after I have the baby. (I have toxemia and PBS this time around). I also work two jobs (the cool part is I am still a stay-at-home mom--i live at my job). And he still left and gets the kids one night a week right now.

Please don't think I am being argumentative, I just don't know what phone calls prove. I have read here that you need solid proof before you expose.