After our messaging back and forth yesterday I decided to send a second Plan B letter. I went by and saw that OW had his car at work. I went to her house and he answered the door. I said I tried to reach you but your cell was disconnected. He said he wanted to talk to me. I said well I wanted to drop this off to you. He said okay I'll call you when the cell gets turned back on.

Anyway, the letter was basically my last call. As many of you know we are not legally married. We were supposed to be married this fall. So unlike all of you I don't have the vows to fall on here. The last time he got the letter he was drunk. So this time he got it sober.

Well we just got off the phone. We talked for about an hour. He had been drinking...mistake number 1. I told him that my new business venture was going to take off and I wished that he was there to be a part of it (LB there). He said he wished me the greatest success and he meant that but that he didn't want to share in on it.

Then I asked him the million dollar LB question. I asked him if he was in love with OW. He said as a matter of fact he was. I said okay. That's what I wanted you to tell me. He says she doesn't complain, they can eat dinner whenever they feel like it, she enjoys going out all the time partying etc. He has a job interview tomorrow to work in MS for the hurricane relief. Hard labor (he can't even mow the yard!!) His new friends like her and he doesn't care that the his "fake friends (that includes his best friend of 10 years) don't. He knows who his real friends are. Yeah, that would be her and the bottle of Jack.

He said he still wanted to be my friend. We talked about various things. I did call OW his sugarmomma though when he said they go out all the time (I said well if I had a sugarmomma paying my way I guess I would be out partying it up all the time too) Yes LB right there folks...he laughed and said sugarmomma why do you say that? Well because you haven't worked in 3 mos she is paying for everything including your car..that makes her your sugarmomma. He said she'd get a kick out of that. Well if the shoe fits, wear it.

Told him that I couldn't be friends because it wouldn't be fair to OW to see me and know that the two of them would NEVER have what we had and that she would never hold a candle to me. He kept yapping and yapping and I said I don't want to talk to you with her sitting there and you drinking. But dammit I couldn't bring myself to hang up (another mistake). Finally my cell battery died.

I am heartbroken ya'll. But now I have heard the words that I guess I needed to hear.

I guess since we're not married I should just give up and walk away and let him be. I have decided that I will no longer take any calls from him nor text messages of any sort. Full Plan B ahead for me. FOR ME. We've been together for 5 yrs. This just doesn't seem like the end. I don't know why I feel it but I do. That woman doesn't hold a candle to me. She doesn't. He can't even bring her around his parents.
But he's happy so what left to do but set him free completely and live life with her.

I know I don't really belong on here but ya'll have helped me but would you mind if I just hang out a bit until I can pull myself together?

Lisa,

Sweetie I am so sorry. I just don't know what to say. but if you don't feel its over then maybe its not.

do the planb and see what happens. He may still come around yet. If he was drinking and she was sitting with him do you honestly think he is going to say anything to rock the boat with her?

hang in there girl and just go with the flow for now and let things calm down...

You know we are all here for you...

Carolyn

Lisa - Please hang out. I'm nearly divorced and still here. There is a lot to learn here about healing, and getting ready for your next relationship. Stick around.

Thanks...gawd stop these damn tears...I spoke to him face to face this afternoon and he was a totally different person. He was so receptive. He was almost happy to see me. It's so strange. I just don't know what to think. But I've got to get my head straight and the only way now is to do the Plan B for me knowing he isn't ever coming back. No more communication period...none...he said such hurtful things on the phone. The dog they are getting giving it the name we picked out...he said they were moving away to where we wanted to go but didn't go yet because I was tied down. She liked to go out all the time...all these things to hurt me. He blames me for everything...but I didn't do anything.

(((Lisa)))

I don't know your whole story, but honestly it's to your advantage that you're not married yet. I know it doesn't feel that way right now.

My WH wandered six months into our marriage and we've been together 5 years as well. If this had happened before our wedding I would be gone. I can't necessarily explain why I'm sticking around 'just because we're married' but I feel it is something I have to at least give a chance.

I can't help but feel that he stole my title of 'single'. Now I will always be either 'married' or 'divorced'. Ugh.

Anyway, like Believer said, stick around here...but know that you will be happy no matter what. I am very strongly feeling your pain but I'm very optomistic for you as well. You will be great.

Thank you newleywed...I'm sorry for what you are going through that must be tough...what I don't get is that just two weeks ago he questioned me "What makes you think I don't love you?" Even tonight when we were text messaging he said he had no heart...so if you have no heart then how can you say you love someone...and how can you love someone truly love someone that you only have known for 2mos and picked them up in a bar. This was so uncharacteristic for him. He's not a cheater or let's say until this he wasn't. He has pretty high morals usually. We gave up communication with a good friend of mine because she did something just like this before she got married. So how can he do the same thing now? Why still be friends? SO confused...clear head...clear head...please.

Yep. WH told me that there's a little devil inside of him and then would get drunk and send me text messages asking if he was going to go to ******.

I think that for a lot of the WS's their behavior is uncharacteristic. I would have NEVER thought my H was capable of this. He, too, had pretty high morals and spoke badly of his mother whom he suspected of having an affair on his father.

My WH said many similar things. I think he thought it was a game and constantly tried to mess with my emotions. He would answer a question with a question or laugh and act like I said something so completely random. So I never got any answers....but now he's turning around. Your sig. other is in a very foggy state. When he comes out of it he will realize what a huge mistake he has made. I think that gracefully stepping out of this relationship would do a lot of good for you. I wouldn't sign up for a longterm committment when he obviously is not mature enough for one. Just my honest opinion.

When r u gonna start your plan B with him?

L.

sadie ~ if it helps at all ~ his primary relationship is with booze, not with his OW.

She makes it easy for him to carry on the addiction...thats her attraction.

Orchid, Plan B officially started last night when the cell phone battery died. No more contact with him.

BR, yes I know you are absolutely correct. It was a mistake for me to even talk to him when he was drunk. I was weak.

Side note: his best friend phoned me about 10:30 last night. WS had called him blasting him for turning his back on him and if he didn't like OW then he didn't like him. Well best friend said everything I wish I had the balls to say. Told him he wasn't going to waste his life watching him drown himself to death. That one day you are going to find yourself all alone hitting rock bottom and everything I am telling you will haunt you. Told him how horribly he had been treating me...just basically let him have it and hung up on him. He told me that we were done with him, no more calls nothing. Didn't even want to hear the guys name. So looks like we are in this together. That must really be tough for him to do this after 10 yrs of living and breathing one another. They were inseperable. But BF says he doesn't want to be sucked into his misery. He has a family to think about. Smart kid.

I can do this...I can do this...I have too much on my plate right now to let his get me sucked down either.

Just came back from a wonderful session with my Therapist. She specializes in families/spouses of addicts plus she is a marriage therapist. Great great lady.

Anyway, the jest of our session. She feels that he is continuing to push the buttons that he knows work with me. Past is the past and the alcoholic will never assume blame or responsibility for their actions. I am his scapegoat and will continue to be until/if he hits rock bottom and survives it.

She agrees that I should go NC since I am not strong enough and he is in the fog of alcohol. She still contends that the alcohol is the issue...OW is just now the enabler. She is thankful that I have a good network of friends to support me. She says he doesn't love her, he is not capable of love or feeling anything while in this drowning fog.

For the next 30 days I am to do complete NC. She felt it easier if I take it day by day but I told her that I really needed a longer goal here to work towards.

If I am weak and feel the urge to contact him, I have a mediator (his exbusiness partner) to go to that will talk me out of it using several roadblocks that we have discussed. She says by the time you hit the 5th roadblock that you set up for yourself you don't call. If he sends a text message or voice mail I am to correspond to her FIRST and let her analyze it before making any contact. THis prevents me from immediate response. There should be no need for him to contact me but she says (as you all do here) it will be a test. He's already shown he's not willing to let go and he wants to test your boundaries. It's important that during these 30 days that I am to work on my push button. We will work on that in our weekly sessions. She did praise me for all my excellent work in not having buttons pushed in public.

I am currently in the anger/bargaining phase of grief. Willing to accept him back if he gets sober, respects me, leaves OW. This phase can last a week, year, etc. It all depends on me and how I progress with the NC and can move forward.

She asked me if I felt confident that I had done all I could to save him. I said yes. She said so if he did die tomorrow you would know you tried. YES...as painful as it is to say this, yes I know I have done my best. His situation is out of my control now. I must surrender to this.

Regarding the mutual friend (aka DRAMA KING/DK)...she feels that he is someone that I need to let completely out of my life for now. DK is a danger to my grief process by continously crossing boundaries and causing drama. She said in DKs calling WS and inviting him out to the dart place the last time we ran into WS and OW that he was using me in an attempt to show WS that he and I were now together and anticipating that I was going to possibly drink too much from all the stress. Guess I showed him that night. Funny, never realized it that's why he offered to pick me up and said I should have a few drinks. When WS told me last night that was who invited them up it all made sense. I should continue to see my "supportive friends" as I will need them now more than ever and since DK is gone for a month, no reason I can't go play with friends darts since WS promises he is no longer going there. If he does show up, yes I can leave and should leave.

Feeling a bit better. I have a game plan now. I do feel focused on ME. However, as we were closing I said you realize that I am doing this NC for a month as a means for him to hit rock bottom without any contact from me. She said yes, it's bargaining...but it's not a hateful revengeful bargain...you are doing it from your heart.

I'm losing my mind right now. Just losing it...It all came to me today...after the Therapist and thinking about the friend...for months he's been causing problems in the group...he was the one that WS was with that night. I remember my phone conversation with him that night. Telling him he was single WS wasn't and that he really needed to come home as he had promised. I had finally in frustration left a VM for WS to spend the night at his house to cool off. Well I just found out that he wouldn't let WS stay there and so he went back to the bar after taking the friend to his car...and then met OW and another friend of ours who offered him the place to stay for the night. DAMN IT ALL TO ******!!!

It's all come together...I am losing my mind...he's been telling everyone that we're together...he wants to marry me...yada yada...and I keep having to defend myself and tell him I am his friend and not interested in anything more...I am so hurt and betrayed by all of this. I just wanna die.

I just in an absolute outrage called WS...he confirmed it all...said that the friend had been filling him with BS and that's why he doesn't talk to him anymore. WS was actually stone sober when I talked to him. He said he was sick of all the BS and that's why he's leaving everyone behind. Sick of the drama.

THIS GUY SABOTAGED IT from day one when he caused problems between WS and his best friend...that was another huge freaking ordeal...gawd....why did he do this to me? I'm not some freaking grand prize dammit...it cost me the man I love...there is no going back...I just wanna die...not sure what to do...I haven't done anything...why me??? God, why me.

Lisa---you are right to be in plan B. Confirmation came from your WH best friend, your WH will hit bottom sooner or later from a relationship standpoint and also from an sobriety standpoint. You do not need to go down in flames with him.
It was hard to hear my WW tell me that she loves OM and doesn't love me, but if thats the definition of their love, thay can have it. WS are crazy, they are in love with the fantasy and addiction of one another, and someday it will come down like a house of cards.
Hang in there...................

Woke up this am to several missed calls and VM from the exfriend. Unfortunatley cannot disconnect or change cell phone because it's been my business cell phone for 9yrs. However, best friend is going to pick up all the calls today at the shop and we'll let his calls continue to go to VM.

I'm tired, so emotionaly drained from all the drama. I think the best thing I have done is to cut myself off from everyone. Smartest thing I have done yet. I laughed last night just thinking how this was all playing out like a soap opera. Well the show has come to an end folks. Taking back control of MY life.

I've always been a pretty passive person never looking for confrontations avoiding them at all costs. One of the buttons that WS knew he had over me. I know it may be too late for WS and with all the damage that has been done...but time will only tell that. I can continue to hope, pray and go to therapy to work through all this emotion. Continue to hope that he finds his heart again.

Since I've never stood up for myself much, do I tell him how he has hurt me with all his lies and manipulation? Or just let it go and never speak with him again?

Lisa- As you say it may be too late for WS, but the pain, suffering, learning and realizations about yourself, will enable you to be a even better partner in your next relationship.
I wouldn't tell him anything,as it will probably go on deaf ears, and he will find a button to push.

Yes. Very true on all points. Although I will admit it was nice talking to him sober and that he was verifying everything that I wanted to hear and that he now knew the truth about all that had been going on. Leaving it all behind me now. WS knows the truth now about everything. As do I. Not saying WS was a victim here, he did make the choice he did. We've spent almost 3mos in drama here and no time to heal at all between us. In my heart of hearts I don't think it is over between us. But again only time will tell. I'm just going to go back to Plan B and work on me, continue with therapy and see where my life takes me.

What do you wish to accomplish ? It is for him or for you to look for support and comfort ?

never is a very harsh word. Again what do you want to accomplish keeping NC with WH ? ...

-rh-

I apologize I was referring to the ExFriend who has caused me so much pain the past few months. I don't know if I should tell him that his game has been figured out and that I want him to leave me completely alone or just continue as I have been and not taking his calls or returning all his voice mails.

Regarding WS...I want him home, I love him but I fear that I have truly lost him. I will continue to hope and pray that he finds his way out of the fog of alcohol and OW but the reality is not so clear for me.

Last night my best friend took the situation into her own hands and called the "friend" and talked with him and told him that it was best for everyone if he just left me alone. He has agreed to contact me no further.

Now that the drama will be finally gone from my life maybe it will be easier to find some peace and go fully into Plan B once and for all from this day forward. Starting over...

You have lost WH to addiction, OW is a side issue. To help WH out from his addiction, you have to deal with it and get a proper help. Basically forget your M until the issue of alcohol is dealt with.

-rh-