Miss Lisa,
I LOVED this:



You are right on the mark with this statement!!

You are getting great advice. Sounds like you have a great IC. I agree that your WS is having an A with the bottle - not just OW. A good friend once told me that sick people like to hang out with sick people. People who are hooked on drugs hang out with other druggies, because it makes them feel "Normal". He said that when you are hooked on drugs, and you hang out with someone who isn't, it makes you realize that you are a mess. So you find friends who have similar addicitons, or even worse addictions, so that you feel like you are "normal". In this case your WS had to find a drinking partner.

I want to say something to you that probably won't help right now, but perhaps some day it will.
You were asking why this all happened to you, when you had done nothing wrong. I asked that myself, many times. Many evenings I cried out to God "why did this happen to me. I am the one who goes to church, sings in the choir, I am a good friend to people, I cook and clean and work full time, and take care of my two great sons. Why am I alone and sad, while he is going out every night, partying, and living with OW? It isn't fair!

2 1/2 years later - I am saying "God you have blessed me far beyond anything I could have dreamed of. Why me? I don't deerve it."
Honestly. My life is so full now, far beyond anything I could ever imagine, and I do not feel worthy of any it. But I am thankful, and I am going to accept this new life. After all the pain I went through before, I appreciate every little thing.
I have met a wonderful man, and we got married in January. He treats me like a queen. He tells me I am beautiful every day. We have been on several trips this year - Hawaii, Caribbean, Canada. He is so good to my boys. He goes to every football game, baseball game and wrestling match that they are in.
My x once said that I didn't "dress sexy enough for him."
My new husband says "Baby, don't dress too sexy! I don't want all the other men staring at my beautiful wife!!"

M ex would get drunk,and mad, and call me f'ing b***h. My new husband doesn't swear and never gets drunk.

I am treated with such respect now. I am appreciated and loved. I am not compared to other women any longer.

I did not want to be a divorced woman.I loved my X and tried to get him to stay and build a good M, but he wouldn't do it. at the time I wondered why. Now I know why. It was the only way I could have the life I have today.

When my D was final I thought I had lost. I thought that I had fought a battle, and I was the loser. I wasn't. I am the winner. You will be too.

Redhat,

We did try to have him committed last month...he walked out after 24 hours. Thus got stuck with a bill that he's trying to get me to pay. I told him that if he had stayed as the court required the state insurance would have kicked in and paid. But since he walked out...he is liable since he was actually "committed" by the Dr. There is nothing we can do to get him help at this time if he is refusing unless he crosses the legal line and then we can have the Police take him back there.

Woman of Faith....thank you for your inspirational post. I really do appreciate it...yes, I keep asking myself why?
Things happen for a reason. Maybe he will hit rock bottom and wake up from this nightmare he has put everyone including himself through...or maybe there is another rainbow there waiting for me.

Thank you

When we had our final chat in which when asked if he loved OW he said "As a matter of fact, yes we get along surprisingly well" This is the woman he picked up in a bar and has been with ever since.

Anyway, these are the reasons he loves her. (In parens are notes about the babble)

1. She puts up with my !@#$...and you know what a handful I am. She's a handful too but I put up with her. (No comment on that, I can only just imagine!!)

2. We can eat dinner whenever we want (We used to eat dinner between 5pm and 6pm everynight. He generally did the cooking so I could work).

3. She enjoys going out all the time. (OW gave up custody of her teenage daughter to the father in WI. I am not a drinker and the past few months I had to pay for all bills in the house, entertainment, cars etc...because his business was slow. We played darts 3 times a week). (I did refer to her at this point as being his sugarmomma...he didn't understand why and I explained that he sits home all day watching tv, she has his car and she is paying for everything...that makes her a sugarmomma. His comment "Oh she'll get a kick out that." Probably a LB, huh?

4. We're getting a Golden Retriever puppy in a couple of weeks. Going to name it Hunter (Hmmmm. same name we had picked out but we had decided that my 20yr old cat would finish out her years comfortably or we would look for a bigger house/yard, which we had been doing).

5. Yeah, we're still going to St. Augustine (Oh that would be the place we were going to move to when DD graduated in 3yrs.)

6. I have my own room (a room just for his stuff. We had been looking for a bigger house w/offices and a musical room and entertainment room)

7. I've seen my friend XXXXX more in 2 mos than I have in all 5yrs. (This is his waiter friend, aka pothead. His best friend of 10yrs wants nothing to do with him anymore.)

8. We can still be friends and hang out (I did answer this one: it wouldn't be fair to OW to see me and know that the two of them would NEVER have what we had and that she would never hold a candle to me)

There was more...but I am just curious if I had HAD the technique down then, how could I have answered them. As he said each reason, I repeated, That's wonderful, I am so happy for you. I said it very sincerely...with the exception fo the sugar momma comment and the three of us hanging out and being friends.

Lisa,

Other than direct intervention (locked up) there is nothing you could do but wait and make sure that when he is ready to get help you will be there.

You have been doing very good. Avoid contact until you are ready. There is no Reverse Babble in Plan B ... NC period.

R Babble, you have to ask Orchid, Queen of RB ... basically answering the intent not the content of it and reverse 'em. So all of his babble was boasting how well his life. Well you could play along and reverse it. e.g :
That is very good ... at this rate you probably see xyz very soon too. (xyz is one of his pot head that is 6 feet under).

-rh-

I slept 9 hours last night. WOW!! Best nights sleep I have had in almost 3 mos since WS left. Phew.

Let a new day begin today...We got the official word yesterday on our distribution agreement from the UK. Already starting to hire sales reps across the country. Business wise things are really picking up and have so much going on to refocus all my energy. Unfortunately it is the thoughts that still keep going back to him asking myself how he could let himself get to this...I guess I will never understand. I just have to let go and Let God and trust in Him that he will lead us all through this. It's tough...it will be the toughest thing I have ever gone through.

I have to know in my heart that I have done all that I can do now and the rest is up to WS in that he wakes up from the fog or he hits rock bottom. But if he doesn't see all the good stuff going on around him and that's missing it since we are all doing NC then how will he ever have a reason to stop?

For some people the bottom is 6 feet under.

The question that you should ask is "If he has enough, would he reaches out to me ?".

-rh-

RH

In my heart of hearts, I can say yes he would. He knows I love him. He knows that I will be here for him. I gave him a letter last week before I went dark again to let him know that I had forgiven him that the door was open if he wanted it. He has reached out for me for other things (including the car payment that I did not make) during the past two months. He knows I am here. He knows that life is good here.

I think that losing his best friend of 10yrs to this current situation is the kicker here and might bring him to his senses. Yes, he's saying in drunken talk that if they don't like OW then he doesn't like them...but he lived and breathed his best friend for 10yrs. They called each other at least once if not more a day. If he wasn't with us and family stuff he was with best friend. His best friend was the one who came straight out and laid it all on the line for him about his drinking.

Something interesting that he did say the other night is that she puts up with all his !@#$ and he puts up with hers...how can there already be !@@# after only two months. I thought life was supposed to be grand when you first start dating...it was for us.