For those of you that have been around the different forums you may recognize me and realize that I have been riding that roller coaster which can only come from infidelity. As I've become more familiar with the terms and also from reading 'Surviving an Affair' I think I've gotten to a point where I can improve on my past posts. I know there's a lot of great advice out there so may be everyone can help me know where I should be headed.

Obviously my wife is having an affair. She and I have 2 kids together and the individual that she's seeing is much older (16 years), single and has no kids. The affair is almost 3 months old and she admitted to it less than 2 months ago. I have been implementing my best plan A for over a month. So far she has not ended it with him and there is still a lot of fog babble coming from her. In my mind the affair started because she was going out and this guy and her had mutual friends that put them out together a lot. Realistically, I don't even believe he is in her league but he enjoys the bar seen and so does she. Also, I think part of his appeal is that he offers a life without kids and responsibilities. Even though she has always wanted kids it appears that she enjoys the freedom that he has to offer. She claims she has been attempting to end it with him since before she admitted to it. I know for a fact that she has ended it at least twice but both times she was back in contact with him within 24 hours. I haven't exposed her to her family or mine yet. She has exposed it to most of her friends already and none of them support her actions. The only problem is that they disapprove of it more when talking to me than when they talk to her. Right now things seem to be improving between us. She admits that she wants to work on the marriage and knows that to do so she has to end it with him. She is claiming that she is working towards ending it with him but it's been very hard. This is different than what she had said in the past. When she goes out to be with him I believe I'm saying the right things and she is beginning to show signs that she feels bad doing it. Also, she appears to be trying more than she has in the past. She is being more truthful, certainly not 100% but it's better than before and she is allowing me in more. I guess my real question here is that although the progess is slow should I rock the boat now and expose her to her family when we seem to be doing better? Should I continue with Plan A and continue to try and negotiate her ending it? Right now, I feel that we may be getting closer to her ending it and based on my limited conversations with her (she doesn't like talking to me that much) I almost believe that this time it may stick. Am I doing the right thing at this point? Is there something else I should be doing? What say ye?

Wow Slash!

I'm sorry for your sitch. Every day there's a new one. Unfortunately, today it's you (or if not today, on a recent day).

I'm no expert. I'll be D'ed in 12 days. So, you need to call in MortarMan or Gimble or MelodyLane or BobPure or all of them - the winners at this game.

I can tell you that exposure is helpful - and you need to do it before she does - so she doesn't put a spin on it.

Also, don't chase her. Get busy doing interesting things - build yourself up - get active - and she'll be wanting to get in on what you're doing. You'll start being more interesting to her.

How old are your kids? Are you considering going for custody?

What is your financial situation? Does your W work? What in the world is she doing going out to bars and how did that start anyway?

What are the childcare arrangements? Are you the main one doing the child care?

Oh and here's a tip. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> "Paragraphs", LOL.

Yeah, I know it's hard to become a sharp writer when you're just trying to keep from going insane, but if you break things up a bit, folks here like it better. I, for one, have a rather small mind just now - shrunken by stress, I think - and I need little chunks of stuff to think about.

Hang in there and keep bumping up your thread until you get some of the winners in here to help.

You might even edit the title of your thread to say something like "MortorMan, BobPure, winners please help".

-AD

Slash,

Definitely expose the affair to your parents, her parents, and your closest friends. Tell them that you love your wife and want to work on improving your marriage, but that your efforts will not be successful as long as she continues contact with OM.

Do your homework on OM. Are you sure that he is single and has no children? What's his history? What are his weak points? Who might have a vested interest in knowing that he is having affair with a married mother of two children?

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? Would your wife be willing to read it and fill out the questionaire?

Keep up your Plan A, even through your WW anger and spite over exposure... Work on being an absolutely irresistable man and keep being a great father! Exposure right now at the beginning of your Plan A will be the most effective. Don't wait.

LIT has some good ideas.

Yes, find out about OM.

What were his other relationships? Find his X's and talk to them! Maybe your w is not the only one he's stringing along right now. Get the dirt!

-AD

Thanks for the advice.

I know in my other threads exposure was mentioned and is something I'm definitely interested in doing. I just want to make sure I pull the trigger at the right time. I think that waiting a week or so wouldn't be terrible given that we seem to be making progress. Currently, most of her friends know but none of her family or mine know. She isn't really close to her family or mine so my concern is that it will illicit more anger than change which at this point seems like a step backwards. I honestly feel that we are making progress and she may end it within a week without that step. She has acknowledged that it's wrong and as I said earlier she has said that she wants to give our marriage a try. She speaks of our future together but I'm not sure that's habit or times where she is seeing through the fog.

I'm sure people have waited on exposing. I'm just curious if anyone supports me giving it time before taking the next step? If we are making progress is there a reason to make her mad and make things more complicated right now?

So, on to some of the questions. Our kids are 5 and 2. I work and she is a stay at home mom. When she's off partying I'm home with the kids. A bad situation that needs to change.

Slash-

Sounds to me like your wife is leading two lives. You should read the books and make a plan of action.

You really can't plan A without exposure. It's self defeating. You need to tell her her actions are unacceptable for you and your marriage. She is leaving you and your children while she goes out and parties? You're enabling her to have her affair. It won't end until there's no contact. ZERO. This will only happen with exposure. Will she get mad? Yep. So what, are you not angry? You need to tell her you will no longer enable this affair by watching your children while she goes out. Going out is not a right and she can not be trusted. You're going through what many do here. You're afraid to expose because of how she reacts. Not good enough.

My friend you have lost your wife and you now need to get her back at all costs (if you're really ready for the "cost", emotionally, spritually, and perhaps financially). Read some other threads here. Look at what others are dealing with and you will see that your situation is EXACTLY like most others. It is time for you to take charge. DO NOT TELL HER you're going to expose. Tell her you love her and will do anything to save your marriage. There are no negotiations about this. She is "more honest"? What does that mean? She told you about an affair but....she is not ending it....

good luck. Follow the advice given by these good folks who have endured the same pain you are. We'll get you through it either way....

Slash: Sorry things aren't yet right. I hope you're on target in your feeling that things are going the way you want.

My own experience: I delayed exposing and I regret it. My reasons for delaying were hope and fear. Hope that she might come around, and fear of her threats to D me if I exposed. So I delayed. But a downtrend developed, such that I felt 80% sure we were going down the tubes anyway. That's what flipped the switch for me. I'd rather be damned for taking action than for doing less than I might.

Had I exposed sooner, as recommended by nearly everyone here, we would be a couple of weeks further along now. The angels here are very experienced and very very wise. Don't listen to me - I'm just a newbie. You are smart to ask, and you will recive extremely sage advice.

Also please don't underestimate the difficulty of getting to NC. I'm the 1000th person to say that As are extremely addictive, and NC very hard to achieve. I tried everything short of exposure to get NC. Even though WW seemed to be playing along, nothing worked. All that came of it was lies and more lies. Since exposing widely, I dunno. Could be NC or not. But I'm 100% sure contact would be continuing if I'd not exposed widely.

Let's both win our spouses back!

Slash,

I'm glad you're starting to bring in some advisors now.

I didn't really expose much either - but what I did seemed to be very powerful.

My w was a stay-at-home Mom too - but she was also a student, so she had an excuse to put our child in day-care while she supposedly was in class. That's when she would go to OM's appartment.

I think you have a lot of leverage here.

First, record every hour you spend with your children. Make notes. Keep a journal. Start building a case for custody. Even though you say that she wants the freedom to be without kids, it is a very rare Mom who isn't devestated to lose custody of her kids. That is a leverage which you may have. Some of these guys here have won custody - and it woke their wives up. Don't tell her "if you keep doing this, you'll lose the kids". Just quietly be the best dad you can and keep notes of all that you do. It will be hard to win and she will be assumed to be doing everything for them as a SAHM, but you can win - especially since she'll assume that you can't.

I know you want your wife and your kids, but win your kids, and there is a very good chance your wife will come back.

Put a call out for MortarMan. I think he did that.

How are the finances?

Can you cut her off?

You may be able to do so - and it may be quite powerful - or it may be a bad idea. Check with your banks about your joint accounts and find out what you can do.

Is she spending money on the A?

If so, you might want to take some actions to protect yourself.

Any big accounts which are not for everyday stuff you need to lock down tight. Don't wait until she cleans our the kid's college fund. If she dosn't do anything wrong, she won't even know that you took action to protect it.

My wife was signed up for $4000 worth of dental work and $16K worth of plastic surgery (while talking about divorce), when I pulled the plug - cut her off. I exposed to the dentist and the plastic surgeon. Told them I would not pay for her procedures. After that, I just gave her a check once a week for household stuff.

It didn't feel right, but I'm sure now it was the right thing to do.

Be bold! Put aside your fears!

Show her that you're the man. (but do it nicely <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

-AD

Good advice here. Protect your kids. Get stuff together (document everything) so that you are prepared if it goes to divorce. No way you want the kids going with your foggy wife. The kids will be the single biggest reason your wife will stay connected, even with the fog. So, it is important that they are with you. Added to the fact that you are the only sane parent right now so they need you to take charge.

Expose, expose, expose. For all the reasons mentioned above. Plan A does not work without exposure. It just doesnt. Exposure shines light on this nasty thing and shows it for what it is...immoral and in some states, illegal. It will show how ugly and nasty that relationship is...to everyone. It will no longer have the appeal that it did. It wont have the same "zing."

But as long as you do not expose, then it sits in darkness and continues. In actuality, it is you that is enabling your wife. And helping her to stay right where she is at. If she was in a burning building and you could guide her out, wouldnt you do that? Well, she is in this mess and cant see a way out. She is addicted. She is stuck. So, what are you gonna do? Continue to sit outside and just wait. wait for her to hopefully find her way out. Or are you going to be the man here and take charge...shine the light into her fog...and lead her to safety?

One thing we have to learn on this site is the difference between simple and easy. This Plan A and Plan B stuff is VERY simple...but it aint easy.

So, start getting your ducks in a row legally...keep meeting ENs....kepp telling her that the affair must end and that it is unacceptable. And, go out and expose to everyone within the realm of your wife and the OM.

There will be a blow up. She will threaten you. So what? What is she going to do...leave you? She has already done that. 99% of the time, it is just all hot air. Read all over this site (Like Gramn's thread) where a BS finally exposed and things changed immediately (after the initial blow up).

You need to become an expert on marriage and divorces. Time to read up on everything on this site. Read all of Dr. harley's books. Set up counseling with Steve Harley so that he can help you get a plan. Get the EN questionaire and the Love Buster questionaire and have you and yoru wife take it. Figure out where things went wrong and what YOU need to do to improve.

You are not helpless in this. Sure, you cannot force your wife to do the right thing. But you can change the dynamics here. You can change. And when one person in a relationship changes...everyone around them MUST change.

Get with it. You have a lot of work to do. Look at your kids and tell yourself that you will do whatever it takes...that you will not fail them.

In His arms.

The timing issue is hard. I suppose many would always say expose immediately, no matter what the situation. I'm not so sure; I think it depends on the individual situation.

The potential rewards of exposing now seem clear. Even though OM is older and not married, still there's probably someone whom OM would prefer not know about the A, and who could put pressure on OM. Could be that exposure would very effectively cause OM to end the A immediately.

But Slash we all balance risks and rewards. On the risk side, what do you see as the downside of exposing now - even while the R is seemingly on the upswing? Maybe there aren't any risks, or maybe they are small relative to the possible rewards.

Slash- I wouldn't cont on her ending it in a week. I heard that story at least 6 times during the course of WW affair, only to answer OM's pathetic VM's etc. I also questioned her many times about A, only to be denied- "we're just friends"(hate that phrase)
Dude expose expose expose. WW admitted it was more fun sneaking around when no one knew