H and I are divorcing. OC is an infant and paternity tests show H is father. We are separated but aren't sure how to tell kids (8 and 6) about baby. I feel it is his responsibility and that I should stay out of it but it seems the sooner the kids know the easier it will be. Does anyone have any input? Thanks for all your help.

I always say that honesty is the best policy. I think you should tell them, maybe even together. Depends on how you and H are getting along. They know you are D right? And it wouldn't be a bad idea to seek some kind of IC for them. D is a very hard thing on the children.
SUnny D

i think the key is to give them the information in a format that they can understand and for their sake, not let them buy into your and your h's issues. it would be very easy for them, once they know what is going on, to take sides and blame your h and to a certain extent, becuase they are kids, the oc as well. i think it would best come from both of you.

it will be really hard to sugarcoat it for them but i think you have to. maybe something like how one day daddy got confused and thought that he loved ow and becuase of that he made the oc. Now daddy realises that he made a mistake...

jmho.

carolyn

Thanks SunnyD and Carolyn. H and I get along pretty well, considering. He and OW are still together as far as I can tell, so saying H made mistake and thought he loved OW wouldn't be true. I am not sure what their future plans are but we don't know how to handle OC. Does he just show up w/baby and say "meet your sibling"? or do they have interaction for a while w/out knowing relationship. They are young kids and I am not sure how much they will understand. But Carolyn is right...if OC cuts into time they spend w/daddy, kids might resent OC. Heck, I resent OC (although I know it isn't OCs fault) and I don't even know the child's name.

Starving

I totally admire your strength! You are absoutely amazing. I read some of your previous postings...its almost sounds like you are relief to divorcing from your H. It sounds like you been through alot over the past few years....

On the most part I agree with the others...my heart really goes out to your children. I find it so amazing how one parent and OW (or MM) can put their own children in position like this? I think you are the only one that can truly protect your children....

Your children have been through so much I would talk to child councelour....you are in the process of divorcing which can be very hard on children... but I think personally I think its too early to have any introduction to the OC. I think just establishing your new life is going to be hard on them? Just my thought on it?

Your H and the OW already have proven that they are not capable of intergity or any kind of honesty...
I certainly wouldn't hold my breathe of them being honest...with the children in involve. Neither one probably never gave it second thought at the devastation they have done to their own children. I find their behaviour replusive and says alot for their character...

As far as "sugar coating it" I would just tell the truth.. just in way they can accept it...

Children grow up..trust me on this... they will know what the truth is...
They will know that they had mom that fought for them... and what brave woman she is!

Good Luck Straving...

Wiz

Thanks a bunch Wizard. You don't know how much I needed that! If you read through some old stuff you know that this is not first time H. got OW pg. He claims the 2nd time was after we separated. Might be true...if you count back the weeks, pg occurred the day after he moved out of house. So, I am supposed to believe they had NC for 3 years, he calls her out of blue, they have sex and now baby is here.

Doesn't matter now, we have bigger things to worry about.

Thanks for your encouragement. I feel so bad for my kids but I am nice to H, which seems to make it easier on the kids. Sometimes he'll drop kids off, I'll have dinner ready and I'll invite him to stay. Kids know we aren't reconciling but that we both love them. I guess H really loves OW because he is much nicer to me now that he doesn't live here. Could he finally be happy? All I know is his isn't the life I would choose.

Thank you again. I think talking to a counselor really is a good idea. I hate to rock their world even more.

I talked to a professional this morning. She said I have to lay it out there. Sit kids down and say something like:

You know Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore. Daddy has a girlfriend and they have a baby. His name is (whatever, I don't know the child's name),he is your brother and you will be meeting him next Friday.

She said they may freak but they may be OK. She said husband may do this alone or we could do it together but it is important for me to know when/what he tells them. YUCK-O!!!

If you want to add or modify this, I welcome your advice. Counselor hasn't dealt with this before and you have, so your input means lots. Thank you. I am feeling very ill.

Hi Starving!

I am sorry you are feeling ill. The situation would make me sick too!
I think the professional is right, I think you are going to have to lay it out for the kids. I strongly suggest you should tell the children with your H. I wouldn't have him handle this himself.

Starving, my H had a brief affair resulting in a child.(LONG STORY>> I will tell you sometime <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />) We landed up getting custody of this child. This happened many years ago... but every now and then the same pain creeps in...especially when I see other families going through this.

I am so delighted with your response...."All I know is his isn't the life I would choose."

Thank God! It must suck being them... Think about it for a moment. Look at the kind of role models these two are? Just thank god that you are not capable of doing that kind of distruction to other people... Right? You can sleep at night knowing that you never screwed over your own children...
People that have affairs are socially retarded... they are self serving...
Do you hear them?? & all of their pathetic excuses...
Starving read closly on the other boards...ITS ALL ABOUT THEM and THEIR feelings...
They think they were entitled... b/c they think all is fair in love and war.

This is perfect chance for you to raise your children better...
You have already proven to me that you love your children more than hate their father...
For your children sake you have already taken that step... by getting along with him. Which is amazing concidering everything you have been through.

I'm teaching my sons ( and I do concider now the OC MY SON!) and my daughters...differently

The first valuable thing I taught my children is to HAVE SELF RESPECT! That they are worth more than this garbage...
Its all about character isn't it? It tells you how low some will go....
I want my children to grow up happy and healthy...but with strong family values....a sense of right and wrong.

I even worry about the OC in situations like this... it an absolutely horrible position to be in for a child....you can only hope they grow up better than the parent....

Starving have the children met the OW?

Remember take care of you..be true to you... your children will respect you for it...

Take care.
wiz

I told my WH and OW that their role modeling will assure raising OC to become a liar and a cheater! Really if the WS does not get their act together and do things right what kind of example do they think they are giving the poor OC?

BTW, Wizard I am a FWW too. It was the biggest mistake of my life that will never be repeated. It was selfish to put my kids welfare at risk for very self serving reasons. I am NOT that person anymore. My WH OTH has had 3 A's and an OC. We are d'ing because he won't stop seeing OW baby mama. They use OC as an excuse. Hurts like heck that these two selfish beings are putting their own needs continually before the needs of innocent children.

Wizard, Thanks for your help. As far as I know, my kids haven't met OW although she is often at his house...I don't think H. lets her come over while kids are there. You are right about the OC...the child is innocent. I don't want my children to grow up resenting that kid. As hard as it will be for me to see H. married to OW, it would be the best for all the chidren involved.

OW is disgusting and irresponsible(she's had 4 abortions that I know of) ...my H.'s behavior has been abominable recently but beneath it all, he is a much better person than OW and I believe that without him, that baby has no chance in life.

This is an opportunity to be a better parent, but if OW is in the picture, my job will be harder. She is uneducated, steals from work, has been fired from jobs and sleeps with anyone, man or woman. I hate that she could have an influence on my children.

Faithful,

Best of luck, I know how you feel w/H. not being able to give up OW. There has to be a reason we go through this and maybe someday we will be in a better place. As for me, I took H. back after his infidelity and stayed w/him for a couple of years. I don't regret doing that although things didn't work out.

Starving, does your husband have custoday of the oc? She sounds like a uh, well not mature enough to take care of her kids? Does she have any other kids? Your husband is still with her? Does he not find her natural way of living repulsive? I mean I am no saint and I've made mistakes that I can never take back and have to live with that, but the rest of my life was desent and good and my kids always come first. I don't mean to ask so many questions, but by what you have said about ow and he's still with her what does he see in her?

Need To Move On:

I cracked up laughing when I read your post. I know it was unintentional on your part, but that is the question I have been asking for years now...what is it that he finds attractive about OW that he was willing to give up everything for her? Lots of BSs ask the same thing. Harley talks about it in SAA..she obviously makes him feel good.

You are on the money when you say "not mature enough". However, we are wasting time and effort focusing on OW here (my bad because I brought it up). The focus needs to be on our kids...our own children and these poor OCs.

I suggested that he try to adopt OWs child and he said he didn't want to raise a baby by himself. He even suggested that if I consider reconciliation that he would ask for custody. Oh brother.

She has no other children because she aborted all the others.

Thanks for your help. I don't want to cry anymore so I try to laugh whenever possible.

I hope that you tell your children. You sound like the only normal adult in the mix.

Being nice to their father when he is around is good for your kids. With the divorce, they need to have one parent they know they can trust to be a parent. They need to see you as strong, independent and reliable. Lord knows their father has proven not to be. Don't allow someone who destroyed their family to tell them such wrenching news. Put it to them plain, simple and honestly. Then go from there.

Starving, I'm so sorry. I like your attitude though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad you went to a counsler before you've said anything. My STBXH and I did the same. I honestly think it needs to come from both, because it's so important for kids to realize that even though the marriage is over you are both on the same page w/the kids and are still working together to raise them and be there for them. Good luck w/this and let us know how it goes!

starving,

we told our kids at 6 and 11yo that daddy had done something wrong by being with another woman when married to me, but that it isn't any of the kids' fault---not their fault, not OC's fault. A counselor had told us that kids focus everything around themselves and need to be TOLD all of this is the adults' problems, not caused by any kid. It is important to me that the children know adultery is wrong even while allowing a relationship with OC.

You might consider telling them in front of a counselor so s/he can assist, and yes, even with your ex there too if possible. You are so strong and a great mom to care for your kids and focus on them at such a personally awful time!!!

They will probably take your lead once they meet OC. They might be angry at Dad, and that could interfer in their relationship with OC, but most kids like babies. If you are okay with them liking OC, they will be too. You are generous to consider that possibility.

God be with you,
J
recovery since 1998
3 kids at home
visitation w/OC

Thank you Lynn, NTMO and Jenny,

We haven't done anything to tell the kids yet. H. is at his mom's right now w/OC and OW to introduce her to her new grandchild. My SIL was really upset about this for a couple of days. She figured it wasn't a good example to set for her kids either, but she decided that any baby is a gift from God and to accept it as part of the family.

I need to read some posts about how hard it is when the family accepts OW. My Hs family loves him and they have no options but to accept his choices but it is hard to sit by and watch.

Telling the MIL is practice for telling our kids. I just need to breathe. Thank you again to everyone. I still can't believe this is my life!

Starving, Wife30 is going through a simular thing...hopefully she will pop in and offer how her stbxh's family is dealing with this.

It's kind of a d*amned if you do and d*mned if you don't I'm sure.

I'm sure his family loves you very much still and will be uncomfortable for awhile. His sister is right that all baby's are a gift, but how weird is this going to be? I know, a lot of emotions going on......

BTW........how did your h (xh?) tell you about it? Was he a little freaked over it himself? Your doing a great job Starving. Remember this has nothing to do with you and I wish you and your children peace and harmony through this.

"I don't want to cry anymore so I try to laugh whenever possible. "

Starving,
Rarely these days when I read a post does a post bring tears to my eyes but you are truly an inspiration. You amaze me even more with your posts. I know that God will always walk with you. Your children are so lucky to have such a wise and loving mother.

Wiz

starving,

You're doing great! You're strong, intelligent and compassionate. Your children are so lucky to have such a wonderful mom that sincerely cares about them and the reprecusion of rash hasty decisions. They will look back at you with love and pride.

Starving, I also think you are handling everything wonderfully. How are you doing it? I could learn some things from you. I am also going through a very similar situation as NTMO mentioned. I am getting stronger, but at times I'm an emotional wreck.

My H and I are divorcing. My d. is too young to worry about explaining it to her yet. She's only 2 months old. H and I just filed for divorce on Wed. It should be final in 2 months because we were able to agree on everything. My d. will grow up knowing all of this and I only hope we can teach her to accept OC while teaching her none of this is an acceptable way to act. I would hate to see history repeat itself w/ her and that is one of my greatest fears. (H's family has had many affairs.)

Like your OW mine has had 3 abortions and the OC. She is educated and has a good job, but I still think she's a nut and I fear the influence she may have on my daughters life.

I know STBXH has still been seeing her, but he says he doesn't know if he loves her or will be with her.

What a mess they've made of their lives right?