I am definately plan Aing now (no try-just do per Yoda lol). He is moving mentally closer to divorce, he asked me last night about a possible financial arrangement. He says he loves me, he just doesn't know if he loves me "enough". I did not LB or anything, but I did tell him that it sounds like the financial penalties are playing into his deciding what to do and that did hurt me.

As of last night, he has asked that I just don't bombard him with R talk. I have not initiated any R conversations, and he does seem to be talking a little more, and I tell him I appreciate him sharing with me where he is. We have agreed for the time being to chill out on the R talks and that I can "fake" being wifely to him. His emotional detaching has been very painful, and the way that he acts towards me is harming the kids. They are tired of "the conversation". I am hoping that if we can fake it, maybe we can make it. Maybe I can covertly meets his EN if he will allow me in the spirit of faking it. Is that warped or OK?

But then, this AM, he hugged me warmly with no kids in the room??? And he asked me to hold off talking to the kids about preparing them for a negative outcome??? Of course, I get my hopes all up, but I am sure I can manage to screw this momentary peace up somehow.

Every other day he comes up with a new reason why this marriage is doomed. I should start a list, it is getting pretty humorous.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. I bought him a CD and DVD, just told him I was concerned about his quality of life and wanted him to enjoy some entertainment. I also wrote a letter about who this husband is that I miss so much. He took it and I told him that I have no preconceived notions of how he will read it. I am trying not to say or do things just to elicit a response, because that sets me up for dissapointment.

I read in the Quotes thread "what would you do if you weren't scared"? If I weren't scared, I would just love his little butt off. I am afraid that if he weren't scared-he would leave me. So, I think I am in a OK plan A mind set. I also read in SAA that if plan A fails, the BS's love for WS is less intense, thereby making divorce less painful than if they didn't try a plan A. That made me feel better. If I plan A well, either he will love me more-or I will love him less. That sounds like a good outcome.

testing bio info

Man, this is so frustrating!! I feel like I have about 15 minutes a day to try to rekindle his love for me. Last night, he came home after working late. We spent some time with kids. I think the only talking I initiated was telling him about what I had said to my OD about "the conversations". When I tried to hold his hand, he barely stroked my thumb-that was my warm fuzzie for the day. Woo Hoo!

This AM, he left before I woke. I did call him just to touch bases with him. He said that he tried to be less frigid last night. Then he starts talking about this thing that he is doing in his spare time for work to gnerate extra $$. Since he has already spoken of divorce and financial settlements, that sounds like he is making extra money so he can support two households.

D-day was three+ weeks ago. I think the first two weeks went well. We cried, minimal yelling, started MC, went on a few dates, had some great SF. Everything changed after the last MC appt. WH said I withheld info from the counselor to make him look like an a$$. I did have an emotional outburst at the MC, regarding how theatened I am by WH's feelings for OW. WH said that I did not tell counselor how well he had been doing reassuring me. Yes, WH tells me where he is, and I told MC that-but WH won't tell me where OW is, so I don't know if the job he is on is at her business or not. And it seems clear that on WH priorities, my feelings come after public perception of him, and his vision of OW.

So I am plan Aing in my wonderful 15 minutes a day. And he is working his butt off making money so he can escape from me.

I've read several of your posts....but wonder if you could give me more info.

Did he work with his OW?
How did you find out about the A?
How long (that you know of) did the A last?
How do you know that the A has ended?
Do you know ANYTHING about the OW?

By the way....I'm also a SAHM....read your other post on that topic....but haven't had the time to respond to it yet.

Edited to add that I myself had an EA before my H's A.

Our stories are pretty similar...despite the timelines.

Did he work with his OW?
He is a subcobtractor doing work at her business. I do not know where that is, he won't tell me. he is afraid I'll "make a scene"

How did you find out about the A?
Found text messages on cell phone. I had only been suspicious for about 24 hours. He had "worked" 15 hours the day before, and he just didn't smell bad enough when he got home. That is when I started checking phone and found messages the next day.

How long (that you know of) did the A last?
He says about 2 months.

How do you know that the A has ended?
I haven't been able to catch him since. I do believe that his first intentions were NC. But a relapse wouldn't surprise me at all.

Do you know ANYTHING about the OW
Just what he has told me. Younger, Asian, new to America, marriage to older man that keeps separate household.

Could you not track down the # from his cell phone?

If it's a personal cell phone then you will get her name and more info....if not then at least it will come up with the company name.

Also....if he is accounting for his time from his cell phone then how are you completely sure that he is where he says he is?

Not to sound like a complete downer here.....but just from the few posts that I've read of yours.....I don't think that contact has completely ended.

Don't worry about being a downer. I personally think he is in contact with her. At first (first 1-2 weeks) I think he stopped, but he is acting very much like a man who is having an affair. Which I understand, he is depressed, his EN are not being met (he is completely closed to me) he has had a major upheaval (lost his GF, lost his self respect)

But if he keeps denying contact, until I catch him, I don't know how to react. I don't know if he is in withdrawal or in an active affair.

How do you get a name from a cell phone number? I can't find a resource that I know is credible. I hate to give info to an online site and then get spammed all the time. Plus, it would be a piece of cake for him to have another phone I don't know about, we both know that. I can't follow him around all day, I have the kids with me.

So, I just sniff his clothes (that is demeaning). I will have more opportunites to do detective work after today, the kids will be gone for a few days.

Hire a PI to investigate the OW ... this is your best bet right now ... in the meantime ... plan A.

GET "THE GOODS" ON OW

then EXPOSE

Have you exposed the affair to your H's family yet?

WH has been pretty upfront with everyone on what has happened. This surprised me and made me feel hopeful, but somehow this A seems to cause me more shame than it does him. But I guess that is just my issue.

Funds for a PI are slim. Like I said, the kids will be gone next week, I can do some sleuthing then. I think I am afraid that he is not in contact with her-that he is not trying to decide me or OW. He just has given up on me. But I have also read that it is very rare for a man to instigate a divorce until a back up is in place. He has even told me "Why would I give up my life here for an unknown?"

You definatly need to find out who the OW is.

Either hire a P.I. or use an online cell phone # look up service. Prices are from $35 to $125.

Does your H work for a company that would be able to give you the info on where he was working at the time that he confesses the A was ongoing? At least then you would know what company she works for....and then by the description your H gave you she should be easier to identify.

I don't know if this works in your area.....but....in my area the different cell phone #'s are a give away of what company you are going through. A little bit harder now that you can take your # with you if you switch companies. IF you could figure out what company just by the # then you could call the company and ask the owner of the #....just the name. I'm not sure if that would work or not.

There are two people that I could call to find out who OW is. WH's boss and WH's work buddy, I honestly do not think that either of these guys would tell me. WH's buddy says he doesn't want to be in the middle of it and the boss has absolutely no reason to give me info that will potentially start trouble.

WH's reapirs dry cleaning equipment. All of his customers are Korean, very close community. Knowing that she is a 26yo Korean working (possible co-owns) a dry cleaner is like finding a needle in a haystack. I have a few #'s that need to be researched. And when the kids are gone, I have a few likely cleaners to check out. I can also go to the state license board and try to find out about OWH business license. I just can't do these things with kids in tow. I am also trying not to delete my computer history. So I don't do alot of sleuthing at home on computer.

Maybe I just don't want to know the truth. But if he is still in contact, then I am ready to planB. I personally cannot work in a love triangle. If he is not in contact, then I am really just married to a zombie.