She lied in the past about this affair, but when she tells me to relax and trust her now so we can work things out, should I believe her?
No, you don't believe her and you don't trust her.
What you are hearing and seeing is straight out of the "Wayward Spouse" handbook. It's going to take quite a bit of time to regain enough trust in her, based upon her consistant and trustworthy actions, to all you to begin to believe her again.
Welcome to the system, you've found a terrific resource for help in getting through this nightmare.
Begin by reading all that you can on this website to begin to understand the concepts. Get, if you can, two primary books that will help you a lot. The first is called
Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley, the founder of this site. The second book is called
Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.
She did say if I cannot trust her our relationship wil not work out because I am pushing her away.
Uh huh, more typical WS (Wayward Spouse) refusal to take responsibility for her CHOICE. 6Years, here's reality: She already left and there was NO "pushing her." It was her choice. The marriage is OVER and was over when she chose adultery as the "way" to deal with whatever it was she convinced herself "justified" such a heinous and hurtful choice.
But she is right about one thing, a marriage MUST have trust in it to BE a marriage. You CAN be married and not have trust, but you can't have a marriage founded in love. So REBUILDING trust is needed and is essential, but SHE is going to have to EARN that trust now. Originally you gave her what is called "blind trust" and believed her vow to "keep herself only unto you." Now you KNOW that trust was misplaced and that "blind trust" is gone forever. It needs to be replaced with earned trust, and for that SHE is going to have do a lot of things that she will likely "Fight" right now because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her choice of adultery yet.
We already said lets forget about the past and move forward.
Nice sentiment, many of us have said the same thing early after D-day (Discovery of the affair day) and in our early attempts at recovery. But it doesn't work. There can be forgiveness, in fact it is necessary, but there cannot be "forgetting." It happened and there is no erasing it. It is now a permanent part of your memories.
The past consisted of the affair which she did and what drove her to the affair was my ignorance with erh and how I treated her...which I will not get into at this time
Wrong. What you did may have "set an atmosphere" in which an affair was a possibility, but actually HAVING and affair is the WILLFUL CHOICE of the Wayward Spouse and that choice is 100% their responsibility.
6Years, I understand your reluctance to talk about "what you did," but you need to understand that we've heard it all many times before, and in many cases, we've lived it ourselves. You are too new here to know that yet, but take my word for it, you are among friends who have "walked in your shoes." The same holds true for your wife as many of our members are Former Wayward Spouses and know just what your wife chose and what she is thinking.
God bless.
P.S., By the way, you'll probably get much more traffic and responses if you move your thread to the General Questions II and/or Recovery forums. Lot's more participation by members on those forums.