Hi. I am new here and I need help. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married 7 almost 8 of those years. We have no children and are both 30 years old. Lately I have noticed there has been no sex. I am not usually a sex fanatic but come on it has been long enough. So I finally asked him. In the first conversation he said that he is not physically attracted to me right now. (I have gained weight over the years but it is not like I just gained it). In the second conversation he said he loved me but is not "in love" with me right now and he needed to work on that. Is this normal and what do I do? Another question is he said that he likes for me to "look nice" but he won't tell me what looks nice even when I ask him. Am i asking to much?

Lonely, how did you look when you got married? What do you think he means when he asks you to look nice? Do you fix your hair, stay in shape, try to look good?

Well I have gained some weight. I am working hard to get it off. I own my own Beauty salon, so yeah I would say I always have my hair fixed and make-up on. I am even staying dressed(not in jammies) until later at night. He has commented that I only wear jeans and shirts, but that is what I wear to work. I have lost 45 pounds and threw away my "BIG" clothes. I have mentioned buying new things and he ways just to wait since I am losing more weight. What to do?

Why not wear something other than jeans and shirts, then? Do you wear attractive clothes? How much overweight were you and how much more do you have to lose?

Quite a bit more to lose. I have never been a small person. We have been together since I was 15 and he was 16. I was smaller but not skinny. He has alos been overweight however, he has mangaed to lose his. It is very hard for me to lose weight. very slow. Anyway, I don't have things other that jeans/shirts. I talk to no one about our issues because on the outside we have a "perfect marraige" and we have before. We have had 1 other time where is was bad, but once we worked through it, things were great. He has also just started taking anti-depression meds and I hope that this helps. I am in no way even close to calling it quits. I am just here to try to help myself. Before I would not hold a job, keep the houes straight, etc. Just let myself go. That was our issues before. Since then, I opened my own business (very successfully, i think) and am now way more into myself with the help of counseling. Anyway I am just rambling. Enjoying being heard.

LW, it may be that one of his top emotional needs is physical attractiveness. This is an important need to many men because their other top need is SEX and they are visually stimulated. One leads to the other and when one is not met, your H's lovebank can be depleted. That is probably why he is asking you to wear something other than jean and t-shirts. And that is why I suggest you get something ELSE to wear. That might make him happy.

What else can you do to make him happy and try to meet his needs?

I realize it is hard to lose weight, but are you on a diet? Do you watch what you eat? Are you working out regularly? It is never easy, but usually folks under 35 can lose weight more successfully than those of us over 35.

Here is a pretty good article about emotional needs and how important their fulfillment is to a marriage. There is also an emotional needs questionairre that you both can take which would help you understand each other's needs.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

LW, additionally, I would keep your eyes peeled. His comment about not being "in love" concerns me.

Yes I am dieting and I work out about 3 days a week. He says that most of this is his problem and feels like he is being way to shallow. He is also embarrassed about it. I am trying. Hope I am doing everything I can. We just bought a new house and he got a new job where he used to work. Thinking probably it is just stress. Maybe hoping a bit.

Lonely,

Welcome to MB.

You mentioned that your H started taking taking antidepressant(AD) medication. You need to know that AD meds can cut the sex drive big time as a side effect. So can depression.

In no way am I suggesting you ignore any signs of cheating.Just be aware that these meds have side effects.

Good luck. Keep up the good work.

LW, many men believe they are "shallow" for having this emotional need, but it is no more "shallow" than any other emotional need. It would be sweet if you told him that you take this need seriously and aren't ignoring him. I think it is very hard for many men to tell women how important this is because they are afraid of being accused of being shallow. It might help him relax if you told him you understand and are trying to be more attractive to him.

Additionally, some of the life changes you mentioned might be contributing to it, but I would prefer to take him at his word. He has told you what the issue is.

LW,

May I offer a thought. I think Mel has offered you some great ideas, but remember the biggest sex organ is the brain. You could wear jeans and tee shirt and if he KNEW what was or wasn't underneath it, it WILL start to get to him. Further, appearance can be important but I will tell you that enthusiasm will really really make an impression on him. Not just in bed, but smile more, laugh more, enjoy your life more and include him in it.

A woman with a smile doesn't have to wear much else to attract men. So keep doing what you are doing. But, also see if you can bump up the enthusiasm a bit and see what that does.

As mentioned that "Love you but not in-love with you" is a sign of trouble so keep your eyes open.

I will now return you to the ladies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

Good catch, HTFJ!

What happened?

Before I would not hold a job, keep the houes straight, etc. Just let myself go. That was our issues before. Since then, I opened my own business (very successfully, i think) and am now way more into myself with the help of counseling. That was the issue. Thank you all for thoughts. He did just start the meds, but the brain does make sense. JL thank you for your thoughts about me smiling. I know he is making an effort and I will tell him that I am trying to be more attractinve. I think he knows it.

LW, will you ask him to take the emotional needs questionaire?

When keeping your eyes open for potential infidelity also consider he may have had a relationship years ago with someone at this old job and now contact has been restored. The former affair partners might not be involved today at all but the renewed contact, whether reciprocated or not, may be taking a toll on your husband emotionally.

Just my $.02

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

Maybe. I have'nt told him that I have been on this website. I feel like I am sneaking around. Anyone else keeping it a secret?

Why? Is he depressed? What is he depressed about?

Hon, you don't need to sneak. Tell him you want to make him happy and ask him to take the emotional needs questionaire from Marriage Builders.

This website was my secret for some time (I only lurked), however, in recovery I sent my wife an email with a link to here. She and I have been hooked ever since. Though we communicate a ton, neither of us are good with conflict. We have made substantial progress by discussing our problems in the 3rd person. As we post and relate to the people we meet in here our problems just seem to get discussed in relation to the things we find in here. It's been awesome and addicting.

On the other hand, there are many useful tools available in here that a betrayed spouse would need and want to utilize that may be better left unknown to the wayward spouse. Fortunately, most wayward spouse's avoid this place until they are ready and willing to recover. They are so concerned with their secrets and maintaining 2 relationships that they have little time or concern for what the betrayed spouse is doing. In fact, the more the BS is leaving them alone, the more relieved they think they are.

Just my opinion,
Mr. Wondering