Hi.....i am totally new to any kind of forum.....i needed to find a place that i could come to for viewpoints, help, etc. Perhaps I could help someone else too at the same time.
My H walked out on me july 4th, 2005. I was home during the day, thinking that evening we would be going out for a boat ride, even went shopping for food, drinks to take. He came home picked a fight and said he was going alone....being I was now pissed off, I told him that sounded like a good idea, he then said maybe he won't come back, to which I said sounds like another good idea....I thought it was just a stupid fight, although I couldn't understand why it was happening. Anyway, he left has been living on the boat for the last 10 weeks. Came by on 7/6/05 as I was coming in from work he was leaving the house. I confronted him as to what the ****** is going on and he told me that he didn't enjoy being with me anymore, didn't want to spend time with me.Told me he hasn't been happy for the last 5 years. Our kids are 22 & 23, one lives home the other at school. His main complaint was that I didn't show him enough affection.
And he does have a good point, I will admit that. But what he doesn't realize is that for the last 15 years I have spent more time alone than with him. He works alot and ALWAYS would come home complaining about how tired he was and his neck hurts and his back hurts, etc. I had to rub his back, his ankles. Honestly sometimes it was like a black cloud walking into the house. On the weekends he'd be up before me and down at the boat with his friends, all of his local friends have much younger children.....me I was home by myself. It was extremely rare that I would complain about this because I know how hard he worked and the stress I thought he was under at work, so I figured he needed his space to unwind....sometimes it would be evenings I was alone. So after years of him neglecting me & our marriage he is surprised that I wasn't showing him the affection he wants? For the last 5 years I was the spouse making 99% of the plans for us to do things together, several concerts, a few plays, dinner with friends, he did not make any plans, other than trying to figure out how to leave me.

The night he told me that he wasn't happy, I was devestated, barely made it through work the next day, took at least 6 breaks to go outside and cry....after 26 years of marriage, almost 30 yrs together total I was crushed.

He has been coming home every few days to take care of some of his household responsibilties, we speak if we have to. In Mid august I asked him what is going on and he said he needed more time to think about what he wanted. We had a heated discussion about our marriage, how I felt about some of his attitudes toward me and visa-versa. I mentioned marriage counseling and he did not want any part of that.

Last week I told him I couldn't keep going on this way...in limbo. A few days later he came home, we went out to dinner (THE LAST SUPPER). We came back home and as usual I had to ask what he had to say....he told me that he didn't want to come back. I was crushed, I couldn't believe it. After all these years he didn't want to work on making things better, he said he has been trying for the last 5 years. Why didn't he tell me how unhappy he was for the past 5 years....when i asked that question, he said " I told you you weren't giving me enough affection".

By no means am I putting all the blame on him, I think we both need to make some changes, to put each other first, I was more than willing to work at it, my heart is broken that he was not willing.
The last 5 years have been difficult for me personally, dd off to college, ds not getting along with us, early menopause, going back to work after 20 years of staying home to raise our kids.........no of this seems to matter to him.

To all who read this........I apologize for the length of this post....
Any advice.........he claims that there is no OW

Well, it's either a mid life crisis, or he has another woman.

The place to begin is Plan A. Read all about it here. Sorry this is happening to you. I know how miserable it is at first. But you can have hope, because most husbands come back to the marriage.

thanks for the input.......I thought mid-life crisis too, he just turned 50......

I didn't feel like he really heard anything I said to him, so I wrote my thoughts down and gave it to him.
Saw him tonight for a few mintues, asked him if he gave anymore more thought to working this out after reading my letter and he answered rather gruffly..."I don't know what I want to do". I told him I'm not going to beg, I don't want to be with someone that doesn't truly want and love me. Help..what is plan A? I am so new to all of this.

Thanks again.

Plan A is when you work on yourself and make your self the best you, you can be and hope that your H takes notice. Be careful not to become a doormat!!!

If you go to the home page there are links to a Plan A and B page, read everything else that you can here it's good stuff, come and ask questions or just vent if you need to.

This should be a link that was passed around here a while back on MLC. Very enlightening!!!! My xH MLC happened at 40, not so sure things are that much better forhim or that he is finally happy, but really don't care at this point either. My 16 yo D at the time, boyfriend said to her one day while in the kitchen that he was really glad that his dad bought a sports car!!!!

You have found a good place to be while you go thru this, these people have been there before and we listen and understand un like many of our friends.

Dawn

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014733;p=0

Be sure to read everything on this WEBSITE, not just here in the discussion forums. It is very easy to get caught up here posting, but you should have a knowledge of what the MB principles are. Here is a link specifically to "Plan A & B". Plan A & B

Once you've read all about MB, post your questions here. There is lots of supportive people who have already been through what you're experiencing.

This is definitely a mid-life crisis. Men who have been married for 26 years don't walk away from a marriage unless there are long-standing and very serious problems. I'd be willing to bet money there is a woman involved. Forget his claim that there is no OW. The fact that he came in on a holiday, picked a silly fight out of the blue and walked out stinks of an affair.

If you want your marriage, you've got some hard and painful work to do. The best course of action is to ride out a MLC, since really, you have nothing to loose and everything to gain. This isn't meant to excuse or condone his bizzare behavior. Contrary to what many feminists would have us believe, the MLC is real and it's very painful to a man. There is growing evidence that the behavior and derragned thinking is due to wild fluxuations in testosterone, which is part of the male climateric.

There are many tools here that can help you get through this. Use them.

Daybreak.......thank you for your input, I can certainly use all the help I can get. I wish I'd found this months ago, if not years. Didn't realize how much the marriage was in trouble......but then again he never really expressed his feelings. Communication has never been a strong point of his.....others have told him that! Since he left I have been trying to throw myself into my own life and most days I succeed, every now I then I fall apart.

I have been reading many things on this site, it is helpful.

We have a wedding to attend this weekend which I had replied that we would both be attending. It is a wedding on my side of the family, now of course he's looking to back out. Was here last night, saying he didn't know how to face my family.....should've thought about that before he left. The brides family (my family) have been up against many problems with this wedding and if I told them now that I was coming alone, after replying that 2 would come, I think they would flip.....see, they thought that after 26 years he would want to work it out. I have not told my entire family about his no return decision.....I don't reallly have a big family, no siblings, no dad, just Mom, Aunts, Uncles and cousins.

I assumed out of respect for my Aunt & Uncle( it's their youngest dd) he would go to the wedding since he has asked my uncle for many favors (h dad passed away way before we met)..most recently 5 months ago. What H is really worried about is seeing my Mom. I am kind of tense about that too, but I haven't told her of hos decision because I was worried she would really tear into him........I had already asked her weeks ago NOT to start any trouble.

I am not looking forward to this weekend.....

Thanks again for your post.

Avondale25........

I am thankful for you reply to my post.........I need all the help I can get now.

I have spoken to a few of my friends and "our" friends about the situation.....I didn't tell people in the beginning....but when a few days turned into a few weeks, to months, especially over the summer when we usually see friends more often, I had no choice. He turned 50 this summer and I was making plans for a celebration....then had to cancel it all, he left 3 weeks before his BD.

The whole situation is very scary....the holiday's coming...going to be very, very difficult. The very next day after he told me that he didn't want to come back, he was at our DD apt. telling her. He claims he hadn't told anyone in his family ( or any friends) about the situation.....we are not a close knit family so they really wouldn't know, none of his siblings ( he has 3) live very close to us....and in the age of cell phones not too many people call the house looking for him so they wouldn't know.

At this point I don't know if we should try to work it out, my gut tells me that if he did come back, he wouldn't really be sincere and a real effort into our marriage...he apparently doesn't think he's really in the wrong. He did apoligize for walking out the way he did.....too little too late perhaps...the damage was done.

Thanks again for your help......

CheckUrheart......thank you for your advice....I will ride this out for awhile as difficult as it seems to be. OW...it boggles my mind, but i do keep getting the rotten feeling that it may be very possible. The boat he has been living on is less than a 1/2 mi. from home so I have checked down there a few times to see of he is there, most of the times he has been....except one night or early morning..1:30am....when I confronted him about his whereabouts he said he was out! Not being satisfied I asked again....."out with some guys"! Now I am more convinced OW may be involved. If that is the case, I don't think I'd want him back......never would be able to trust again.....the thought just turns my stomach. I would never, ever had done such a thing to him.

If he is going through a MLC and he's been faithful to you for all these years, then the affair is part of the MLC. Once he gets through this, there is little to know chance he'd become a serial cheater. Me who are going to do this, gon't wait until their sixth decade to start. Both of you will need professional halp to get through this crisis.

he already said he can't go to any counseling.....but for me, I'll go by myself, to help myself.

iwalkalone,

I don't know why I found myself in this part of MB, but I saw your posting. I can see that you are trying to get to the bottom of your H's abrupt bombshell. I am sorry you are going through this. I thought since you think there might be an A involved I might help you find out. Sound like you have taken some steps to see what he's been up to. After spending so much time on the infidelity side of MB, here are some of the ways BS's find out: cell phone records, emails, check your credit card statements, bank statements, clothing pockets, vehicles, etc. Also, have you even had a strange feeling about someone you know, or a co-worker? We women are so intuitive! Over the years of my H's infidelity there were times when he just seemed different, picked fights for no reason (guilt) and would come up with lame excuses of where he had been or was going. My radar would go up and I would watch him for a while but never got anywhere. When I would ask if he was seeing someone else he would get mad and defensive. The lies they weave!

I have noticed most men will lie about it until their last breath. If they are ready to check out of the M then they believe it will be less complicated if things can be amicable.

Keep us posted on your weekend!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

check this link out, my saga might be of interest to you and give you some ideas. H and I were separated for 1 1/2 yrs before he came back. He was around the same age as your H when he left and we had been married 19 yrs (now just had our 25th).

nay-nay.....I am thankful you found my postg....I can use all the input....none of my friends are D, so while they have been very supportive, they can't really understand.
H has his own business, a small business which I think is part of his problem....it hasn't grown as he had hoped, his business partner is his brother. The only female that worked in the office was a 25 yr. old and I was never suspicious of her....they have recently relocated the office and she had quit5 months ago because she didn;t want to relocate to another boro. Of course now I am wondering about her, but if he is having an A it could be with a client. Cell phone records...???? very convienetly sent to his office....that pops a red flag right up there. The only thing I can get my eyes on is our checking statement and I have started to carefully analyze it and have been making notes, trying to see if a pattern exisits.....i'm still working on it. don't want to ask him any questions about it, don't want him to know I'm watching. I don't have keys to the boatyard or the boat......very convienent for him too! My S does go to the boat yard often, he has friends there, so if H is bringing someone there it would be a big chance to take.....but I realize he is so screwed up he just may take that chance, thinking no one would ever suspect. IThis week I plan on visiting one evening when I know he is there, to get myself on his "floating apartment" to take a look around.
Now I have to get through a wedding within my family tomorrow and he is supposed to be coming with me. He really does not want to go because he is AFRAID of seeing my mother. He's squirmming and I don't feel bad for him at all.

I figured if he is having an A, he will lie to his very last breath...I agree with you.

thanks again

thanks for the tip......I have been going to all the links I can to get some insight. I am so grateful that I have found this web site...it has been helping me through this craziness.

Iwalk,

Your posts leave an interesting impression with me and MAY be part of the issues with your H. You worry he won't attend a wedding with you because it will NOT look good. You worry about him not coming back, but you do not discuss WHY he may want out of the marriage. YOu say he is turning 50 and has a small business that he runs with brother, but you seem to not discuss the possible role stress from running a small business might have on him and how it has affected him.

You mention all that you have been through these last 5 years, but you don't discuss HOW these things might have affected him. You want him back, but interestingly you never say why other than you have been married for 26 years and together 30 years.

In short, one would get the impression that his role in your life is to provide money, and be a placeholder at family functions. As for his role as a father, a lover, a human being in your life, NOTHING is said.

Now I may be way way off base here, but what I see is a very strong lack of empathy for your H and his feelings. You don't have to agree with them but you should understand them. I would doubt he is willing to open up to you because frankly you simply want him back, you want him in your life (presumably that makes you happy) but you don't want him happy.

My point is that IF I am getting this impression what impression are you giving your H. Why would he want to come back? How would his life be better if he came back? What joy would you bring to his life>

I am not sure he is in an A, but if he is not he sure is ripe for one. So please stop and really think about this, read the articles here and hopefuly a few of the books. I think the key to turning this around is for you to see your H in a new light, and validate his feelings while learning what they are. You don't have to agree with him, but you darned well ought to understand them and your role in this.

Men don't walk away from women that love them for no reason. Unless they have serious mental issues and your H doesn't seem to have them.

So please think about this, discuss it, read about needs, and let's see if you can come up with a plan to change his perception of you ESPECIALLY if it is anything like I described.

God Bless,

JL

Fantastic post, JL!

Iwalkalone, You stated that your H doesn't see the need of couceling. Maybe he doesn't, but what is more likely is that the first thing to mind of most when you tell them that they need someone else to help them solve a problem is "no, I'm a grown man and I can handle it myself." This isn't just a dumb macho egocentric reaction. Men are socially conditioned from birth to be strong, self-reliant, problem-solvers. But with gentle prodding, they can be brought around. You say that you'll go for councelling yourself. That's a great idea! Maybe if he sees positive changes in you as a result of this, he will want to participate.

He could be having an Emotional Affair with someone. Most people involved in an EA don't consider it an affair as they are "just friends" and that they didn't sleep with them. However for us they are just as devasting and hurtin if not more so.

Just something for you to think about!

Dawn

Just Learning.......

Yeah, you are way off base.....Because i didn't state here that I am aware of his stress at work means I have no empathy for him? If that's what H thinks then he DOES have mental problems! That's all I've had for 26 years! My acute awareness of his stressful job is exactly the reason he has his boat, so he can get away when he needs to, hang out with his buddies....,fish.(not to mention raquet ball, golfing occasionally, dinner out once or twice a week with the guys and many others) I know it is one of the things that helps his de-stress, because Lord knows it is a BIG expense, one that when it comes to paying bills we could certainly do without. But over the years I have scrimped and we as a family have done without many other things so he can have his floating refuge. The time he spends there out weighs the time we have spent there as a family. Throughout the whole marriage I have always given him carte blanc to do what he needs to do to rid himself of the stress' of his job or for that matter any stress he may feel.

Now you feel my post alludes to the fact that I want him to hold his place at family functions and be a provider (money)...another assumption that is wrong! I have attended many functions by myself over the years because he was working. I was worried about him attending the wedding I would have went alone...H was the one fretting.
This wedding was a bit different because....
-The father of the bride is my uncle, whom H has gone to many times for various business advice, most recently this past May...needed my uncles advice on buying real estate to move his business to. My uncle is always willing to help, my family has ALWAYS been good to him. He was well aware of the wedding way before he had his "crisis". In my world....you don't disrespect my family as to go to them for help and then decide you don't want to go to the wedding because you don't have the guts to face everyone. And for the record most of my family is not aware of what has been going on for the last 2 1/2 months. My cousin that married was the last of a generation to tie the knot, and she is my godchild, so it was a bit more special for me. I didn't involve my family in my drama because it was my cousins time, a time to celebrate. I am sorry for him that he was embarressed but HE MADE the choice to leave when he did...without giving me a clue.
For the record.....he came to the wedding, EVERYONE was treated him nicely, even the few that do know what is going on. He acted weird.....sat at the table to eat and then must have circled the banquet room 50 times....always on the move, on his cell phone once or twice... which was fine I know he wasn't very comfortable so I can empathize with that.

So it appears I want him for just a provider.....another wrong assumption. He has spent more money than I ever could during these 26 years........we can not really afford his boat, every years hundreds of dollars if not a thousand or two, has to be put into it, but we do without other things....like vacations...so he can use the money to maintain the boat. And I have NEVER complained to him about it, but he hasn't appeared to notice.
When my daughter left for college and my S was 17, I decided it was time for me to get back into the work force. I started slowly, just providing childcare 2 days a week. The loans we took out for college were pretty steep and he told me I needed to find a job. Which is exactly what I did. Since 3/2002 I have been working outside of the home (in addition to in the home becuase I do not get much help here)I have worked extremely hard, doubling my salary in the time I have been there and becoming the Office Manager.....not too shabby for someone that stayed home for 20 years to raise my family* and then return to the outside work force. (I make a decent salary and will be able to survive on my own, naturally some things would change, but I can do it, I am a frugal person).....*and often the only parent around while H travelled for past jobs and then tried to build his own business.
I wasn't exactly jumping for joy when he wanted to venture out on his own business, my kids were 6 & 7 at the time and it was a bit scary. But I stood my his side, cut home expenses back, because this is what he wanted to do and I was in the marriage for better or worse, richer or poorer.

As a dad.....he did the sports coaching thing, spoiled the kids and plays good cop...bad cop....me often being the bad cop. He has found it much easier to deal with DD than DS. Much of our stress in the marriage over the past 5-6 years has been due to a very rebellious son. S was mugged 6 years ago and hasn't been the same since. S needed counseling....I took him to 2 counselors.....I went to his school and had 2 other counselors involved....it was like beating my head against a wall....DS wanted no part. H wasn't much help.

A lover.....well I didn't think I needed to discuss my sex life here. Lets just say it was higher on his list than my list. Why.......when you neglect a womans emotional needs and inadequently support her....sex tends not to be high on her list...IMHO anyway.

Now if he is "ripe" for an affair then so be it. But for me, personally, that would be the END to the marriage. I would not nor could not continue the marriage....that for me is the ultimate deal breaker. I couldn't be with him if he was sleeping with another woman. As disgusted as I may get with our relationship, I would NEVER, EVER do something like that.

Once the kids got older and were more or less on their own, and I went back to work, I had thought that maybe we could have more time for us. We did kind of dis-connect over the years and I was aware of that...I had hoped we could re-connect, maybe take some kind of vacation, even a weekend. I knew it wouldn't be easy, we BOTH would have to work at it. But he would rather wallow in the past than try to work at our marriage now and give me a chance. By no means am I a saint, I don't want anyone to think that I am under the impression that i have no flaws. We all make mistakes. However, I am one to always admit my errors and try to make amends.

H is not good at all at communicating....I was not aware he was so terribly miserable, so much so to just give up and leave. After he left and I became painfully aware of his feelings, I KNE W we needed to make changes and now that he told me I thought H would give us the chance to work on it, but he doesn't appaer to want to.(I'm not going to beat a dead dog) If he had told me over the past few years that he wasn't happy with our marriage I wouldn't have been so shocked when he walked out.......but he NEVER COMMUNICATED THIS. I say WE need to make changes, he needs to met my emotional needs as much as I need to meet his.

I believe CheckURHeart stated that men are taught to be strong and not reveal their feelings......I am so tired of hearing that......sometimes I think it is a cop-out. I find the older generation says that. I sincerely hope that all Moms in the new century will teach their sons that it is ok to be a bit scared in life, it is ok to COMMUNICATE these feelings.

I'll close for now.....my apologies for the very loooong post.

iwalkalone

Hi iwalkalone!!

First, let me tell you that I understand that you have been very shocked with the situation. I know that it is painful, and I am very sorry for your pain.

Also, I know that you would like to heal your marriage, or you would not have gone to the trouble of coming to this site, registering, and posting about your marriage.

I would suggest that you decide if this is the man to whom you want to be married. From these statements, I am not so sure that he is someone you want...


If these statements show the whole picture, then perhaps he is the wrong person for you. If not, you might want to start thinking of his positive traits, if they exist.

I have to respectfully tell you that this site is full of people who have said this and ended up in sexual affairs.

This may be true, but from your posts here, you do not appear to be willing to admit any mistakes, at least I have not seen any admissions.

This is wonderful!! Please tell us some of your errors and we will be happy to help you make a plan to make amends & change your behavior.

I think he has very clearly communicated that he is unhappy by leaving. Now you know, so what are you going to do differently?

Absolutely, both of you need to meet the EN's of the other. However, you are the one here asking for help, so I am going to help you if possible.

Right now, he is the one who has decided that he does not want to live with you. So if you want him to live with you, you are the one who will have to make the initial changes. If this is the man you want, you need to make changes now. If not, don't do anything.

Iwalkalone, your posts absolutely scream bitterness. I assure you, your H knows you are bitter and angry about having to work, and the fact that he owns his own business. You seem to be a very intelligent, articulate woman, however, I am guessing that you might have met his communications about his unhappiness with counterattacks, using your intelligence and eloquence.

All I am saying is that if this is the man you want, the way you are going about it is not going to be successful.