Well bbqdad, I have "Love Must be Tough" memorized. Believe me, it's VERY VERY VERY pro-marriage. Like I said, your wife is handling this perfectly, and I think you are a lucky man. I stand by that. What'believer' is saying is in that book is true, but it is a slight variation of Plan B that is proposed by MB, opening the cage door and refusing to stay in a marriage with a fence-sitting cake-eater, which is what you have been for 8 months. It tells the BW that there will be a MONOGOMOUS relationship, and anything less than a total repudiation of the other relationship by the WS does not have to be tolerated, as it is extrememly disrespectful to the BS, the marriage, the family, the children, and God.

As far as this website? I was telling WasLost last night that NOT ONE PERSON except the couple that recommended MB to us agreed with me getting any kind of advice from the internet. All I can say is to give her the website, and please ask her pastor to review it. Although it is not "advertised" as such, this is a Christian website, with Christian concepts. Your wife my feel differently about it if her pastor recommended it. Point out to her that THIS SITE is constructed and run by the author of "His Needs, Her Needs," "LoveBusters" and "Surviving an Affair." It's a valid site, as you can see. I was also skeptical so don't give up.

You know, the reason I came here was because I knew my H was posting, and I lurked for probably a month while we were separated. He kept recommending that I come to the site, and I told him maybe I would some day, and meanwhile I was reading everything he wrote to know where his head was at through the process so that I knew what best to do to SAVE MY MARRIAGE. Some of the BW on here even knew that I might be lurking, and they wrote to me things like how much they respected how I was handling things, and to stay strong. It was fabulous.Your BW is reading Love Must Be Tough because she wants to do the best things to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. If she didn't want that she would be reading "Divorce Law for Dummies"!!!!

I hope that you REALLY read the post closely by my H, WasLost71 because he really knows exactly where you are. He was there just last year. We don't get too many WH on here.

Wisdom is learning from the advice that someone else suffered through and doing things differently so that you don't have to suffer too. Be wise.

No it does not !

It advises doing that ~only~ if the WS continues the affair right under your nose and won't commit to NC and the marriage.

His theory is the WS often feels like their spouse and their marriage is a "trap" and the BS opens the door of the "trap" saying ... "I love you. I signed up to be your spouse not your jailer. If you want out of the marriage, I am not holding you in the marriage against your will. Feel free to go. If you stay with me , you must stop your affair immediately." (paraphrasing)

It is very similar to Plan B with a few subtle differences. he does NOT ADVISE kicking out a spouse who ~was~ having an affair, stopped the affair and wants NC with the OP.

You are mistaken. it is one of my favorite books.

BBQ ~~~~ You're a lucky guy if she's reading that book!

Dobson's basis for setting the WS free if they refuse to stop their affair is his belief that there can be no love in a marriage devoid of respect.

He says that as long as the WS DISrespects the BS, the relationship will suffer.


One sure way to garner respect from a spouse is to stand up for your right to be in a monogamous marriage ....

In other words

be monogamous

or

leave

because

I refuse

to be

in a triangle arrangement

or a

group marriage

Ooops. I read it shortly before D-day, and all I remember was the part about giving the WH the boot. So that's what I did.

Hopefully his wife will be a more careful reader.

I never did see the answer about why he wasn't sure he wanted to stay in the marriage right after D-day.

Believer

Love Must Be Tough

was THE first book I read after d-day

and as you know

our M survived and is thriving. I wish you had read it yourself immediately after your first d-day.

Dobson says;

"The chances of saving a marriage will never again be as great as they are after the first indiscretion."

Dobson says when it comes to infidelity, it is important to fire your biggest guns as soon as possible. NOT after 3 or 4 "false recoveries".

Shucks Pep, I read it before D-day - several months before.

Oh well.

wow. Thanks all. I stopped by the local bookstore and looked at it. It looks like a good book. She doesn't want me to know about it though, so Im a little confused as to what to do now. The process the book follows is basically give me some room right now. SO now do I wait for her to contact me or do I continue to try to talk to her?

bbqdad

bbq, the book recommends that you don't let your spouse know you are reading it.

Well, you could write her a letter. That way she will be able to read it without getting so upset. Her big question is probably WHY???????? You made vows and promised to be faithful. How can she ever trust you again?

The truth is that she can never trust me again. Should she? I destroyed that trust.
bbqdad

bbqdad, yes, she can trust you again if you become trustworthy. That is why it would be nice if you could bring her here.

Don't back off too much, bbqdad, it will only reinforce her belief that you think she is an undesirable piece of trash. She needs to see a) that you desire her and b) you desperately want your marriage. In addition to some SINCERE remorse. Being quiet won't tell her that.

bbqdad,
What about your feelings for OW? Did they just go away? You don't seem to be in any kind of withdrawal here... are you just panicking because you don't know what your W if going to do?

Affairs have a stronger hold on people then I am reading in your posts... do you have a GOOD REAL plan for NC with OW??? First things first... you ask, what do you do now that she's reading that book and giving you space? Have you worked through the truth of what my H is saying about realizing what really needs to happen with OW?

Don't mean to be skeptical, just never saw someone end an A quite so cleanly as you are indicating you are going to be able to. After all, you may have thrown your entire family away for this woman, and now NC is just a piece of cake for you? Seems to me your W just has you in a tailspin. Look at yourself and that relationship honestly. Do you REALLY see why the A was a bad idea? How it was NOT love? How selfish it was? What needs it filled?

Write her a letter, that's a good idea.

And while you're in MicroSoft Word, polish up that resume'. Get on Monster.com and other job sites. You need a new job. IMMEDIATELY.

Should she? Maybe. Someday. When you have proven yourself to be trustworthy. That takes time. Follow WasLost71's advice and live a life beyond reproach. No other women, no lies, no angry outbursts, no nothing bad. Do it for her, do it for your daughters, mostly do it for yourself. Rebuilding trust takes time. She couldn't make it happen overnight even if she wanted to.

Be an open book.

Action, not words, too. That means QUIT YOUR JOB as SOON as POSSIBLE. That will show her that you are serious like nothing else can.

Change that cell phone # and give your W total access to your account, voicemailbox, everything. Don't make her ask to see what you are up to, offer it openly. If she says she doesn't care, and it's your business, write down the passwords and give them to her anyway.

Tell her you are going to live the celibate life of a monk (and do it!) from now on just in case she decides to give you another chance. No OW, no OW #2, no OW #3, nobody but your W from now on.

bbq,

What she won't have again is "blind trust". And that's really Ok. Your marriage will NEVER be the same, but with hard work and willingness on both your parts, you can have an even better marriage.

Dorry, a FWS on another thread had this to say...

"I didn't think at the time I was doing any harm (go figure) - I just loved how I was feeling and the attention I was getting."

What I said to her, is that it's important to recreate that "special feeling" you had with OW, only within your own marriage of course.

hmm, how do I respond. here is my thought process,
NC with OW = quit job
quit job= no money
no money = financial burden
new job = move away from town (no jobs like mine in area)

but problem is I need to find out where my W wants to move to (if at all).
I really have a mess of things.
bbqdad

I hate to be discouraging, but that is what happens when someone chooses to have an affair with someone they work with. I'm sure your wife likes her home. Now she will have to leave it.

If she decides to take you back, she is still making more sacrifices than you are.

Have you figured out any answers to the questions folks have been asking?

What about your feelings for OW? They are still there.
Did they just go away? No, they cannot change overnight.

You don't seem to be in any kind of withdrawal here
I have been thinking of the OW nonstop. It hasn't been easy.

are you just panicking because you don't know what your W is going to do? yes.

Do you REALLY see why the A was a bad idea?
well Im sure I cannot answer this one correctly, but it was a bad idea for many reasons. Not only did it break the bond of trust between my W and I, but it also broke up the OW's family. My A was selfish, sinful, painful, and devestating to myself, family, work, and our entire way of life.

How it was NOT love? was it lust? I do not know what love truly is.

How selfish it was? yes very selfish.

What needs it filled? My emotional and phisical needs were filled by OW. Instead of talking to my W, it was easier to wonder away. I was spending at least 2 hours a day alone with the OW.

Thank you for being honest. Now we're getting somewhere!

PLEASE read everything about withdrawl here on this site, so you know what to expect. It's hard. Don't get her pg like my H did. Don't sleep with her anymore, regardless.

It wasn't necessarily lust. It was romantic love, which is really not love. It's a feeling, and it's actually a type of addiction. Have you ever had any other addictions (alcohol, porn, gambling, spending, drugs, etc.?)Love is an verb, not a feeling. My H said he didn't know what love truly was either. Read 1 Corinthians 13. That's love.

Invest 2 hours a day thinking about your M, your own behavior, your needs, your wife's needs, your kid's needs, and how you need God. Surrender, brokenness, these are the things you have before you. Don't discount my H's experience because it seems extreme (what with the mental hospital & all) - he's a normal guy who was in a well-paying professional job, intelligent beyond most people I know, and was as committed to working on our M as much as anyone could have been.

Your wife is going to need to see more than panicking from you. She deserves to know that you understand how this happened and that you stand ready & willing to draw the boundaries to make sure it never happens again.

As far as the job, and the money... we were in unbelievably bad financial straits when my H moved back home the first time, which is why he didn't quit his job and tried to manage the relationship with (x)OW. It failed.

I know you don't think you can quit your job. Talk to your W about it. Tell her you are ready and willing to do it immediately, but you need to know where she would consider moving to. Your children are young enough that you could move & start over somewhere else. Your family staying whole is more important than your address, and you stand the best shot at getting past this A if you do move. When my H first came home someone asked me if we were going to have to move and I thought she was insane. No, she was smart.

You are just at the beginning of a long road to recovery. But your wife sounds like a real gem. I know, you've probably spent the last 8 months increasingly realizing all the things that are NOT perfect about her, but be grateful she has God and seems willing to fight for her family.

1 corinthians 13, I really like a few verses...

without love I would be no good to anybody.

but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever

and the last paragraph

There are three things that will endure- faith, hope and love- and the greatest of these is love.

bbqdad