well she just left for church without me. She didn't want me to go. I thought about going and sitting by myself.
bbqdad

You might want to do that.

bbqdad -

Just wanted to let you know I am rooting for you. You have been listening well to the advice that has been given you and you have been open and honest.

I only wish that my WS was so willing to do whatever it takes for our M.

Keep hanging out here with us guys. The road is going to be long and tough, but with prayer and hard work you can do this.

Blessings,

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 5
Married 13 years
Re-exposed WH last week......going on night 9 of him sleeping in other room.

You're doing the right things so far, bbqdad. Be patient with yourself and with your W. Do not be defensive -- no matter how you've justified and lived with your behavior to yourself for the last eight months, it's inexcusable. But not unforgiveable, given time.

I know my case sounds extreme, but from what I've read depression and suicidal thoughts at the end of an A are not at all uncommon. I felt like I had ruined everything for her and my kids. Without hope or ideas for how to recover, I thought everything was ruined. Fortunately it wasn't. I started reading here and listening to what a lot people had to say, mostly (if not entirely) BWs. It helped break through the fog of justifications I'd made and gave me real insight into what my W was going through and what my responsibility was.

Being caught as you were, as opposed to ending it on your own, is a different experience than I had. It must be very difficult, and it probably makes the need for NC even more important. Do not trust your feelings about this! I promise you you will look on it all differently very soon. On a brain scan, the brain pathways stimulated during romantic love nearly perfectly overlap those stimulated when using narcotics. The word "withdrawal" is not used lightly. No matter what happens, the best thing you can do is never speak to OW again. As far as her family is concerned, your just an OM who invaded their lives and jeopardized their futures. Not too romantic.

Even in a hypothetically perfect kiss-and-make-up scenario, imagine what it will be like for your W when you go back to work with OW. How incredibly hard that would be for her. If you respect your W's feelings and really get how deeply she's been wounded, I think you'll see there's no way to keep working there. Yes it will be hard. I was on the street, on unemployment. Just in time, God provided an even better job.

If you consider yourself a man of faith, what you do in the next few weeks will show you what your faith is. It's no accident that you found this forum. I pray you avail yourself of the advice and insight of the BWs and Harleys, and that you become fearless in facing what you must now do if you wish to save your family. There's a long, narrow road ahead of you. Be humble and be wise and live above reproach.

BBQ,

You are not the only WS out there fighting for your M. I am right there beside you. I hope that things start looking up for you, because that means they can for me as well.

NotTooLost & WasLost71 -- I would love to talk to the two of your more. Your situation seems somewhat similar to mine. My H and I were doing fine and then I broke NC (over the phone), and my H filed for D. I am hoping and prayiing that my H will come home.

bbqdad, the withdrawal was the hardest and worst thing my husband had to deal with.

It came up in MC over and over again. He used to ask her (in joint counselling) "why can't she just put him out of her mind and not put me through this." She was a very good pro marriage Christian counsellor and she would gently explain that there was hurt on both sides that we would both have to get through.

The breakthrough moment for us was one summer night when we were sitting outside after dinner and he said to me "I want to hear your whole story - I can't promise I won't be hurt but I want to hear all your feelings (not detail - he never wanted that).

I was so touched by the WAY he asked me that it opened our communication properly for the first time. The next day I went on MB for the first time to tell people how the approach had worked for me. We used to talk about the A every single night and every single day until one day, months later it wasn't the whole and single topic of conversation.

I went through a nasty and lengthy withdrawal period and it was only with my H's support, forgiveness and dedication to me that I was finally able to put it behind me.

I can honestly, honestly say that the withdrawal ends.

Jen

well, my wife decided tonight was a good night to talk. It didn't go that well (I didn't expect it to), but at least I got her to look at this board and read everything. She was suprised to found out about the details of the A and how much I had posted here. She said it was alot to take in. (which Im sure it is).
Here is what I have said I was going to do and have not
talk to the pastor.
Write a letter
Write a resume
Quit my job
DC with the OW

bbqdad;

I realize what a difficult evening your having but thought I'd try to lightnen you both up and say welcome to your wife.

There are many of us BS's here that really feel that this website saved their marriages. In fact, in 4 months I now have a better marriage than I ever had before. None of us claim to be professional counselors but we have all lived it and can offer hope, support, and lay advice based upon the MB principles.

Mrs. BBQ, we hope to see you around these boards and posting your own questions and concerns. My wife and I post under the same name but just sign it Mr or Mrs Wondering although we are considering an "on-line" name separation as I can not post at work when she is on-line at home. Thus if you are going to post also you should pick your own name and I thought these names would be ideal considering your husband's name choice...shishkebobmom, grilledmom, or just bbqedmom. I know it's silly but its very late here in Detroit.

Good night and God bless you two. Though you do not like it this is your life.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

NotTooLost & WasLost71: Good to hear that you are both doing so well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You can be of great help to many here.

it is morning now, and I am torn to peaces....

What happened?

oh, We had a conversation last night, and of course it was too much for my W to take in. I simply gave in and IM'd the OW and we chatted for some time. It seems to clear when I talk to her, but of course now I cannot think straight. I read the first chapter of His Needs- Her Needs this morning, and I feel that if my wife won't read it, then I will never be able to make this work. Plus my love for the OW isn't gone, it feels stronger than ever.
bbq

Yep, that is because the affair is not over.




The marriage won't work until the affair is over... not based on whether or not your wife reads a book.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Oh BBQ...please don't make the same mistake that I did!!! When things got rough with my H, I went and talked to the OM because things felt "safe" and "comfortable" with him. There weren't any problems there. But you can't let OW meet your needs ANYMORE. Each time you talk to her, you are putting your M at risk. Write a NC letter and stick to it! Stay strong, bbq.

I'm here if you need to talk.

yes, I know, its not over. I do not know if Im strong enough to be able to do the things I need to do. Otherwise the A would be over.
bbqdad

You are strong enough when you WANT or DECIDE to be. My affair was looooooooooooooooooong and complicated.

I had the same thoughts, BUT I WAS strong enough!

How much could you "take in" at a time if the situation was reversed and your wife was having wonderful sex and emotionally attached to another man? All you wife can think about is how good OM's hands feel on her breasts and how tender his kisses are on the back of her knees right before he goes down on her .... nice comforting visual????? NOT!


You reached for the heroin and loaded the syringe and got yourself all jacked-up. You're 'high'.


It won't work until you stop reaching for heroin. What your wife chooses to read and when she chooses to read ... is not as damaging as is your addiction running amuck in your brain.


duh....... you're high as a kite!

Want a bracing reality check?

here 'tis

The OW is an enemy to your daughters' happiness and wellbeing

YOU choose to get *high on OW heroin* at the expense of your daughters !!!! And you want to talk about your wife's reluctance to read a book right this munute????

get real

Ok this is a 2X4. Why don't you see that this OW is evil. You want a woman who is a cheat??? If you end up with her let me explain what your life will be like. I saw this with my first H. They cheated all the time and ended up together. Guess what each one keeps tabs on the other daily. I saw her during the day with OM all the time. She ended up oregnant and guess what bets were placed on who the child would look like. It was a joke with the whole town and work enviorment. Ther life is miserable. But don't worry your W will move on as I did. I found a great guy who raised my children. He is my boys father now. Their fathers OW did not want his sons around her house. Made it impossible for sons to go over there. Now they do not even talk to their real dad in years. Go ahead keep it up you'll loose everything.
I hope this helps. I am telling you this is reality.

BBQ,

Been reading a bit on your thread...... Not only was this talk too much for your W but it was too much for u. Look where you ran to when it got tough.

That OW is toxic to your M. Get it? Of course the feelings for toxic OW is getting stronger.... you just allowed yourself to get an A fix. Now you feel dirty and sick. That scenario will continue t/b played over and over until YOU make the move to stay away from the OW.

Of course the OW will never appear t/b as toxic as the rest of us and others see your A. You are the addicted one. Your W is watching you destroy yourself and feels quite helpless.... not to mention angry, betrayed, frustrated....etc. Your W probably wants to string you up or shake you back to your senses. But she can't, only you can. What she can to is work on herself and in time when you are both ready for recovery, you can both be there for each other.

Here's an offer.....the next time you get that 'urge' to contact the OW, can you post instead? Who can you call in your immediate support to help talk you through this crisis? Where are you located, there maybe an MB H nearby.

Please let your W know, we are glad she came and read a bit. Would like her to come back and post when she is able.

L.

I will see if she is interested in posting.
bbqdad