No, just give her our message. Don't push her into posting. Let her come at her own pace. I know you want to help....the best help you c/b now is being faithful and true. You are having a hard time with both.

Please go read His Needs/Her Needs to learn how to better communicate with your W.

She will read and post when she is ready.

L.

Would you be willing to risk your life to save your daughters?

Your daughters are on the train tracks and the train is coming. Are you willing to save them?

I'm wanting to add your need for PERSONAL SACRIFICE now..

Put the needs of your family before your own..That's OK for now. Do this because it is the RIGHT thing to do..

This means making the PERSONAL SACRIFICE OF WITHDRAWAL from the other woman in order to [SAVE YOUR FAMILY

This means you suffering personal pain for them.. Win back your personal integrity and true manhood...

This means getting rid of your capacity to IM her..this means getting a new job...this means making a pact with yourself to never see or talk with her again in your lifetime....

bbqdad,
So sorry about your relapse already to OW... again, please go back and read the original post by my H again to you - as well as the things others have posted to you since the beginning - these are the things that need to happen. NC means NC. None. Nada. No contact. No IM, no cell phone, no drivebys, no nothing! I don't care if you have to go work at a job that isn't in your field to get away from OW. You aren't serious about this yet. Your W knows that.

For you to tell us that the conversation with your W didn't go well for you last night when you are in this fog tells me that the conversation probably went swimmingly. Keep it up, Mrs. BBQ. She's laying down boundaries and demanding monogomy, and you don't like it. That's called fence-sitting by YOU.

She DOES NOT have to live like that!!! It is h*ll to live with someone you know is cheating on you, no human being has to bear it. If she has self-respect, and I can tell she does, she will recognize that she must not, can not, will not, and should not tolerate your behavior!!!!!

Mrs. BBQ - I'm so sorry that some of this posting on here is so particularly painful. But you have to get at the truth. I know it's so hard to hear his strong feelings for OW. He's in a fog. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and that there is no hope that he can make it right for you and the girls. The aliens have abducted him - for now. There are things (as you Dobson-know) that you can do to bring this to its proper head. I had to read my H write about how OW touched a place in his soul/heart that no one else could get to. Blech. He realizes now that "that place" was the selfish, sinful addict - not the giving, Christian father and husband that he wants to be.

cc46 - thanks for your past help. We're counseling w/ Jennifer Chalmers and doing great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

bbqdad, don't worry. If you just can't end it with OW, your W will move on (remember, Mrs. BBQ, wait to start another relationship for now until this one is completely over) and she will meet someone who will make a great step-dad for your girls and will take good care of her. She knows what to look for now, older & wiser. Realtor is right, she'll move on and be fine. Straighten up bbq.

It's really hard to see this, bbqdad. I tried to warn you not to trust your feelings about OW. See what they've done?

I think you should skip "His Needs - Her Needs" and go right to "Surviving an Affair." It will be enlightening to you to see how textbook and ordinary your grand feelings for OW really are. I will overnight a copy to you if you ask.

Think for a minute what OW's husbands post would look like here. "Had a hard weekend with WW since finding out about the A, but we talked a lot. Then OM IM'd her and I feel like it's hopeless." You my friend are a hungry wolf circling and stalking a wounded sheep, crying for help. You are interloping in another family which God put together that needs first-aid and healing, not the euthenasia you offer.

I know, you really miss OW -- actually, no matter what happens, you'll soon see you just miss the way you feel with OW, but that's neither here nor there. You are too fogged in to think clearly about the future. (If you're IM'ing OW, you aren't even thinking about later that day very clearly.) But consider this. How will you feel when your betrayed wife is your EX-wife? And your DD's tell you on their weekend visit that mom has a boyfriend? And then that she's engaged? And then a wedding? And then she calls to tell you her H (whom the girls just adore) got a big promotion and is being transferred across the country? If you don't start making choices, they're going to be made for you.

You need to approach this like a drunk drying out -- one day at a time. Don't worry about "never seeing OW again." Start the day resolved to not contact her that day. Take it down to one HOURS at time if you must. YOU CAN DO IT. JUST START DOING IT. Put one foot in front of the other and get some road behind you. Don't let this new lump on your head get you down -- get back on the horse and on that narrow trail. You don't have one hour to waste on a pity-party. Your poor wife feels unimaginably worse than you, and you need to point all your energy at helping her heal, if you really do care about her at all.

Prayers are going out to you and your family. Please come here and post and ask us first before you decide to contact OW again, OK? BE STRONG for your daughters. They are counting on you!

you are so right. My W and I have been talking for some time. Its time to make the right choices. NO more OW. Period. We are going to go church here in a few minutes. I know that the OW has been reading this, and she has called me on what my feelings are. I am drawn to be truthful when I type here. I let everyone down, but it will not happen anymore. I am going to put in my notice at work on monday. It will not be easy, W will hold me to it. Meanwhile, I have to type up a resume. I am sorry to everyone, especially my family. HOw can we recover from this? I do not know, but I will do it, like Yoda once said, "do, or do not. There is no 'try"
-bbqdad

How do you recover? First off, you dump this OW and send her a no contact letter.

If the OW is reading here and NOT your W, then you have betrayed your W again. Don't bring your W to this place where her victimizer is reading the posts unless you TELL HER that you have invited the enemy into our camp. She can't be safe here because you have brought the OW here.

Please tell your W that you are not only still in touch with the OW, but she is reading your posts here. She needs to know that you are still betraying her so she can protect herself from you and your "girlfriend."

bbqdad, you are going to have to get serious here or you are going to lose your marriage. [rightfully] Your W is RIGHT to not trust you and move on as long as you CONTINUE to compound the betrayal with fresh betrayals.

If you are serious, then send that OW a no-contact letter and dump that sorry baggage quick. Write the letter with your W and have your W mail it.

Here is a good example: Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

p.s. have you been tested for STDs? I would strongly suggest getting tested, because you don't know what you have picked up in this affair and your first priority must be the protection of your W.

Bbqdad:

I do commend you for posting here, as long as you are serious about saving your marriage.

I can only tell you that if you drag your feet on this and continue to sit on that fence, you can look forward to watching your wife move on and find a good and honest man who will care about HER.

Then you can look forward to hearing about her wedding plans and having another man raise your daughters, all because you thought you'd found a way to have both a wife *and* a girlfriend.

Is it really worth it to you? Maybe it is. For some men, yes, it is.

If it is, you don't need this website. We've been spelling out what you can look forward to. It happens every day.

If it's NOT worth losing your family over, and living every day knowing your wife goes home to make love to another man, and that your daughters are calling this man "Daddy," then you might want to listen to what the posters here are telling you.

We are trying to help, and you don't have much time.
Mulan

bbq ~ in bringing OW here, you have removed a place of support for not only wife (which is just not excusable) but yourself.

Posting here will from now on, be a form of contact.

You've sabatoged yourself before even getting started.

here is what I sent to OW. My W and I went over it.

OW,
As you know, I cannot send you a letter like the post indicated. I have been struggling for the past few days, and even after talking to you, couldn't make a clear desicion. I have made one now. I need to make it work with W, you have always known that. I am planning on quitting on Monday. I can no longer contact you, and you cannot contact me. If I have to be working with you, we have to be professional, until I am gone. My familly is the only thing that matters now, and I have put them through enough.
bbqdad

Good for you BBQ!!!!!!! Keep it up. But yes, as BrambleRose and MelodyLane have said, you should never have given this site to OW.

As to BBQ's OW if you are reading this, you have been caught up something as you can see that is destroying your M, BBQ's M, and I promise that although it feels so right and good it is wrong and evil. I'm begging you to let BBQ do what he has to do. I'm also begging for the sake of all involved, please leave this site to help BBQ and his W for now.

BBQ, if I can quote the Good Book, James 4:17 "Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it."

and James 4:7-10
So humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, you hypocrites. Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift up and give you honor.

Well I guess this means that I can no longer post here. I have made yet another mistake. Its ok, we are going to goto MC, we are going to make it work.
bbqdad

This is a good start, but calling contact "professional" will not cut it either. Contact is contact no matter what label you slap on it. There should be NO CONTACT.

And please print out your email and give your W a copy. That was a good letter, bbq. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know what BBQ, I'm going to email the moderator right away. There are private forums on here and you are more than welcome to get our emails and we will communicate with you about this privately where OW cannot go.

sounds like a good idea, my W thinks she needs you all as much as I do.

We get pretty pointed and prickly when we suspect someone is using MB to send secret messages to their infidelity-partner.

this is my very strong suggestion .... ready?

YOU call OM's husband and confess to him you broke NC and YOU apologize to her HUSBAND for all your wrong-doings you have committed against his family!

YOU attacked/undermined/infiltrated/stole from another man's family (again)

own it
call yourself out on it
make ammends to the MAN you have offended

YOUR wife may find something to respect in those actions.....

Sheesh. What a mess. Now we have the afairees using MB to communicate.

Bbqdad - I suggest you get dead serious about saving your marriage. The most dangerous one to your marriage right now may be your wife. To add insult to injury, you have invited the OW to post here. I can't believe it.

OW's BEEN READING YOUR POSTS!??!?!

Oh sheeze! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

To OW:

This one's for you and it ain't a bottle of brew.

Listen, as an OW (which whether you like it or not is what you are), your very association regardless of the reason is toxic for this man and his family. You may not want to hear that being friends is toxic but right now that is what it is. If you care even a smidgen of an ounce for this person or if you have any shred of decency, you would stop reading these posts, get this WS out of your mind and heart, go get yourself some help so you won't be drawn into a toxic R any more.

Are you always gonna be toxic? I hope not. Did you expect to be toxic? Probably not. Fact of the matter, is you are. So deal with the reality of it all and stay way from this man and his family. That is the best help you can possibly. Why? Because for him, that is right way to recover. He will respect you more for it but not if you continue to allow contact. This post to you is about what you should be doing, not what he should do. He already knows what he should do and is working on it. He has his support group to help him and it is growing.

Can you have a support group also? Yes you can. Depending on which path you choose that support group can be one with solid moral values which will help you improve your life or you can hang out with the sleeze balls who continue to be OWs and prey on others. Yep, that's right. OWs have their own websites and they are horrible. Of course your curiousity could make you go find out what they are really like and for a while you may relish in finding those who think like you but the OW life is a sad and lonely life in the long run. OWs don't live by lasting values of any sort. Their respect level for themselves and others are below the human tolerance level (or lower than dirt). It shows by their lifestyle choices.

I write this to you as an attempt to help you. You can take it or leave it, the choice is yours. Once you read these words, they will never leave your mind so making a good choice will make these words absorb and be in your past.

You have the opportunity to make your future better or worse. Again the chioce is yours.

Most people would not take the time to even communicate with one who has become an OW but in the past, some OWs have repented. Many have not but I am hoping you are not as stupid as the majority and have some smarts to know you are in a bad situation which only you can fix.

Don't disappoint BBQ, at one time he thought you were better than peanut butter. If you continue as an OW, he and others can't remember you in a good light anymore. You are a chapter in his life that needs to end and he must move on with his family.

Hope you are one day able to have a good family R or repair the one you have. You don't need to tell me which one your choose. I am a total stranger to you. You owe those answers to yourself and your family but NOT to BBQ.

If you decide to shed your OW skin and come back to the world of a good person/wife/mother, you may want to come back here (with the right attitude) and read how to improve yourself.

As a headstart, I will recomend the books: His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. There are many others but those for staters will teach you the real way to communicate with others. Do so with the right motive and do not allow your weaknesses to get in the way of solid and respectable friendships.

Is it possible to have male friends if you are a female? Yes but what is real friendship anyway? It is putting the needs of others first. An Affair does NOT put forth the needs of others. It is a selfish act. Even though you thought may have been 'helping' BBq, you weren't. The moment you lost control of your emotions, the selfish side of your A disease crept up and BAMMM, you were now an OW. It happens that quickly. Then the scheming and coniving begins. Look at and figure out the dates. I'll bet you will be surprised and hopefully ashamed.

Now don't be stupid and want to end it all. No, end being an OW and start being a good human being again. Prove the stastics wrong and be an OW who did shed the OW skin and come back to the human race as a woman.

Hope this sticks.

L.

The moderator has agreed to coordinate the emails of any VALID (not bbqdad's OW!) MarriageBuilders here who want to post with BBQDAD and his W.

BBQ's W, we are here for you.

If you have been in this exchange and would like to be in private email group (JustUss said that private forums are difficult to arrange by admin) where we all copy everyone else on all the emails, please email JustUss2@aol.com with the subject line "bbqdad email group" and JustUss will confirm your MB identity.

Pep, MelodyLane, believer, the Wonderings, Susan, BrambleRose, Mulan, anyone who wants to continue to work with bbqdad, please email JustUss.

Let's support bbqdad to quit his job tomorrow!

BBQ...

We're on board, we just sent an email to Justuss. NotTooLost, good for you on the quick thinking where that was concerned.

BBQ, please go immediately and SINCERELY appologize to Mrs. BBQ for what you did here! I know that you believe that you were trying to help out the OW, but we here know, especially us FWSes, that that "concern" is just another way of you trying to remain in contact with OW...We also know that you don't see it that way, and won't for sometime until after true no contact is in place. At that time you will, believe it or not, feel complete indifference towards OW...

We will now bow out, until the private support group for you and your W begins...

Mrs. Wondering