Sorry folks, this could be a long one.
Of all the cards, of all the flowers, of all the "just because" times, this letter that I wrote over two years ago sticks out most in my mind because I wrote it, and it is as true to this day as when I wrote it:
"My Dearest ******,
One thousand, nine hundred and sixty-seven days. By my nearest calculation that is how much time has passed since you have become the object of my affection, the center of my world, my lover, my best friend, my life, my love, my wife.
You are and have been the eye of calm in the maelstrom of chaos, the dawn of hope in my darkest hour of despair.
Because of you, I know the meaning of the words unconditional love, of permanence, of passion.
I have known heaven, seen eternity in the warmth of your soft sweet kisses, the gentle caress of your hand, the beauty of your laughter and the fire of passion in your eyes.
These three words do not even come close to describing how I feel:
I Love You .
Forever and Always,
Always and Forever,
*****"
***************************************************
We have had good times, and they have been good.
The bad times were bad, but I thought that we had worked them out to our mutual satisfaction.
Oh, untrue.
Six months ago, we finally were able to realize a dream of ours that had been up until this point in our lives unattainable; we were able to buy a house! And not just a house, a new house was being built for us! The only catch, in order to afford it, we would have to put in some sweat equity and I would have to put in a lot of overtime.
Fine and understandable, according to her.
Oh, untrue.
I worked 21 nights straight through at work, and for a few hours a day would put in some time at the house. After those twenty one nights, one person retired and one person quit, so I was now obligated to help fill the vacancies left by them. Any time I was not working at my job I was now working at the house. Come moving day I had to work two eighteen hour shifts, then go move for the other six. At the end of all this I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally. The stress of it all was starting to pile up on us.
We were moved in, still some work to do, but things were starting to look better.
Again; Oh, untrue....
One morning of a few that I had noticed she had been getting up earlier than usual to go to work, I went out into the garage and discovered her on the phone. She said "He's up, I have to go" and hung up. I didn't ask who it was as I assumed that it was a co worker of hers having problems.
A couple of days later we were across the street with a few of the neighbors having a good time (or so I thought) and she kept excusing herself to go across the street and use our washroom, taking a long time. Eventually she didn't come back.
I went home and found her passed out in front of our laptop computer, an e mail open. From a man who is a consultant for the company she works for. Unbelieving, I checked through her e mails and found a lot more, very sexually explicit. One thing that hurts most is all of the things she wrote of doing to him were things that we had done. she raped our memories.
I woke her up and confronted her. As we were both inebriated, it was ugly. She said he made her feel needed, made her feel like a woman, and that I hadn't been doing that lately. Eventually things calmed down to the point where we were able to talk rationally. She said she would break it off and we agreed to see a MC, and have been doing that for a few weeks now.
I read and re-read the things I have written to her, go through my mind the things that we have done in the past, the hardship we have worked together through the last few months to achieve our dreams. Even though I was beyond exhausted over the last few months, I still tried. I guess to her I didn't try hard enough.
That's where things sit now, she has agreed to try and make things work.
But the thing that is killing me right now is this feeling of doom, this feeling that it will NEVER be the same again....
... will it????
