I now know my H’s concept of honesty is defective (hopefully this is not a disrespectful judgement). For a year he lied (stonewalled, gaslighting, & adroitly played on technicalities & omissions) about several major (“forgot” about $10K, $14K, $5K & etc.) expenditures on FOW. Finally I got the nerve to get the documentation from his office and calmly confront him. It took him 10-minutes of silence to get up the courage to confirm the $10K documentation. After 30+ years of marriage I had no idea he was a liar.

He has been reading His Need & Her Needs and Marriage Busters but must have skipped the chapter on “Radical Honesty.” Even so, these chapters are not enough for him. He is by no means a chronic liar. However, there is some “duping delight” in his attitude (significant control issues). He is admittedly hiding other “private” things during our marriage. This shy & brilliant man has little remorse or guilt except that he was “caught” in secrete meetings with OW & lying about his personal welfare society.

I asked him how he felt while he was deceiving me about the expenditures. He said he didn’t feel anything about it one way or another. He didn’t feel that he told me any lies or deceived. He doesn’t feel guilty about denying the $10K, $14K, & other sums. And, he didn’t “feel” better admitting the truth like Dr. Hartley said he would!

I asked him to see a therapist to discuss honesty. He said he was comfortable with his standards and that mine were too high. He only admits to an EA but the affair overwhelmingly looks exactly like a PA – I want the truth on that too.

I’ve had some therapist for a year but not on meds. My discussions with him (he never wanted/wants to discuss A) have been reasonably respectful. He does treat me respectfully & generously on other levels but he is dumping Love Units in a Love Bank with a big hole. I feel his deception(s) impacts my self-confidence (how I perceive and deal with reality). I feel he is toxic and I’ve lost enormous respect for him.

Would someone please give me an idea on how to approach this conflict? Thanks.