Where we are- WH is trying to decide if he "loves me enough". He has asked me to back off, he would like to stay in a motel for a week, but will stay home if I back off.

My SIL just called and wants to take the kids out of town for a week. I want to be selfish and keep them home for the diversion, but I am going to let them go-they really need some warm fuzzues of their own right now.

So my ESP (lol) tells me, I will spend the next week alone with my thoughts. WH will stay at work as much as possible to avoid me. I did ask him if he could possible use the next week to think of reasons to stay married to me instead of thinking of reasons to divorce me. He just wants me to leave him alone with his thoughts.

This is so confusing to me. If you are thinking about your feelings for someone, you spend time with them, check them out. He invested a lot of time into OW. If you are trying to decide if you want to see a new movie, you read reviews, watch the trailer, you don't hole yourself in a motel room to think about it. So I think the jury must be out. I am the attorney, I have had 14 years to make my case, the jury is out and I don't get to contribute to the deliberations.

But, on the bright side. If he is still having contact with OW, without the kids in the car, I can hopefully catch him. Then, I can have the same info he has and have more info to make my decision. It just seems warped to me, he had the A, I want the M, and he is on the fence? I get it, but it is insulting, that is just plain insulting.

I keep thinking about that book "He is just not that into you". I don't want to abandon my WH if he is depressed and confused. But if he is rational and just doesn't love me enough-please cut me loose. I deserve to find happiness too.

You know, I have been waiting for a lightning bolt to strike him with enlightenment. I have tried to be calm while I wait for the fog to lift and the aliens to leave him.

Maybe the lightening bolt has stuck me. If it is that hard of a decision for him, than what we have doesn't mean that much. He had months to think about what I meant to him while he was snuggled up to her. I think he is just stalling, trying to improve his financial position. he can take me for granted, he knows I am just going to sit around eating up every bite of crap he feeds me.

"I'll stay in the house if you back off", that is what he said. Who in the **** does he think he is. Telling me that I have no choice but to be married to a zombie or be alone. I have this sense of urgency that is probably dangerous. I want this done now-either plug in or get out NOW.

There is no one who knows us IRL who thinks we can recover given the current state of affairs. Even his best friend, who is a FWS himself, says that WH has alienated himself from everything and does not seem to have any remorse.

I wish I knew how to stop the frantic thinking. I am not sure that I can physically handle this anymore. I am greiving my husband and I hate the alien sitting in his chair. I have an MD appt for Tuesday, I am going to need AD's. My soul just can't do this anymore.

Jean-- I don't think theere is a magic pill for WS to wake them up from their fantasyland fog. The months he was snuggling up to her, I gurantee you were the farthest thing on his mind. I know for a fact that my WW only started to really think aobut her actions when we exposed and she moved out. Now that shes in reality with OM it's not as fun and the bad faults they had ignored are starting to come out. You stay in your house ,get some AD's and take care of you.

ok, Jean, I am going to tell you again, you are just spinning your wheels and wasting your time if won't expose this affair to the OW's sig other. Exposure will be ruinous to this affair and there isn't a THING that you can do that will be nearly as effective. As long as you agree to help the OW hide her secret, you make it easier for her to have an affair with your H.

Melody-I hear you and I have tried to work on a positive ID. If I can prove that contact has continued, then I have no issue with exposing to OWH. I am trying to find out exactly who he and she are so I will have that info.

If I had known on D-day about this site, I would have exposed to OWH then. But I did not know, I thought if he stopped with OW it would be salvageable. So perhaps I am just trying to stand by my word. I said I wouldn't expose if it stopped. I have no proof that it is still going on. If I expose now, then I have not stuck to my word. I am trying to conduct myself in a way that I can respect (other than the underwear sniffing!)

But, the kids will be gone next week. I can try to find out about OWH business license, I think that is a matter of public record. I can do more detective work without the kids around.

Jean, even if they have stopped contact, it really is imperative that you expose to him. It greatly increases the odds that the affair does not resume. The OP's spouse should always be told regardless of the status of the affair for this reason. How can he protect himself frm his W and your H if no one tells him?


Jean, the only thing worse than making a bad promise, is keeping a bad promise. Keeping this promise is a bad idea that greatly harms your chances of recovery. I would suggest informing the OWH, and THEN telling your H that you realized you made a bad promise and went ahead and informed the OWH.

It is NOT in the best interest of you, your H, or your marriage to keep this affair a secret from one of the victims, the OWH. You should be doing everything in your power to ensure that the affair is ended, and stays ended.

Thank you for you patience with me. Finding out who exactly OW is will be my mission while the kids are gone. I guess that will be a good distraction while WH sticks his fence pole up his a$$.

I wonder what would happen if I just asked WH for the info. I think that would be a good make or break moment. If he is still ****** bent on protecting her ID, that should be a clear sign of where I am on his priority list.

Good girl, Jean! I don't think I would ask him, I doubt he would tell you. Has he not even told you who she is?? Oh dear, that is not a good sign.

He has told me her name and he mentioned her husbands name once. She changed her cell # when WH called her and told her no more contact. She owns a business that my WH was doing business for, but he won't say which business it is. His co-worker is handling that business from now on.

So I know OW name, OWH name, her old cell phone #, type of business and that she lives in a gated community. That is about it.

Jean,

I'm not sure if you know their last name or not, but if so, then try plugging their names in at this site and see what you find... <a href="www.zabasearch.com" target="_blank">www.zabasearch.com</a>


Mrs. Wondering

Thanks Mrs. W, I hadn't tried that one yet-but no luck. They are both Korean but have typical American names. So I am pretty sure the names they go by are not the names that would be on public records.

I can ask the two people that know-WHs boss and his coworker, but they probably wouldn't tell me. I have her old cell phone #. I have one new strange # that showed up on WH's phone as a missed call.

I am scared to find out the truth. I could call these two numbers, but I am scared of what I would find out. If they are still Aing, then I could react with that info. It would make a whole lot more sense than this weird alien behavior. If they are not, and WH finds out I am "stalking" her, he wil be very angry. I hate being scared of making him mad. I need to go to a phone booth and call the mystery #. Why don't I do that-I am not ready to face reality.

First of all, you aren't stalking her OR snooping on him for that matter, you need this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life...Before now, they have been making decisions for you, without your consent... Before you didn't know, and couldn't do anything about it...BUT now, you know and can do something about it...If you don't, then you are consenting to, at the least, the possibility of them continuing to make life choices for you...that doesn't make sense, does it? Jean, INSPECT WHAT YOU EXPECT!

Your marriage can survive your husband's anger, but it CANNOT and WILL NOT survive an ongoing AFFAIR!!!

Jean...Call That Number!!! You don't want to face reality? Why, is your reality all that great right now? Isn't it worth trying to put YOUR reality in a place where it is comfortable and enjoyable for YOU?

Everything Melody has been telling you regarding exposure is dead on...listen to her, she REALLY knows what she's talking about...Jean, I know that you don't know any of us and that makes it difficult for you to take a leap of faith based on our advice, but think about it...if these methods didn't work, why would so many of us be commited to being here daily trying to help others understand what we have learned based on how these principles have worked in our own lives...Of course, there are no guarantees, but this is your BEST shot...EXPOSE, and take control of your life again!

Jean, do you think that your WH was as worried about how his A would affect you, as you are of how exposure will affect him? Btw, exposure is a consequence of a choice HE made...HMMMM...

Mrs. Wondering

Thanks, Mrs Dubya, well said!

Jean, "stalking??" Aren't you more afraid of losing your marriage to an affair?

Thanks Melody... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jean...

I want to share something with you that I'm not sure that I've even posted to anyone before...If I have, it's only been once, because I know that Mr. Wondering doesn't like to hear it...However, because of where we are in our recovery now, and because of my motives for telling you, I know that he won't mind...

After our D-day, I made arrangements to go and visit the OM for 2 weeks in a hotel...prior to those two weeks, my physical contact with the OM was limited to 3 very awkward, clumsy encounters(we live in different states-I had a kidney stone in the middle of the third and had to be rushed to the emergency room...served me right!) Anyway, if my husband had made just ONE phone call (to the OM's parents) or sent just ONE email to anyone on OM's reply list, my A would have ended IMMEDIATELY (I AM 100% SURE OF THIS), and both my H and I would have been spared SOOO...much additional pain and damage...you have no idea...I just wanted to give you the "view" from the "other side"...something for you to think about...

Mrs. Wondering

Thanks for sharing that Mrs W. I just don't think I have the balls to deal with this. My sister is a FBS, and she told me about the first night her FWH came home with an unfamilar odor. She often wonders what would have happened if she talked to him then instead of just blowing it off.

but like I said, maybe I don't have the balls for this. He wants time to think everything through. I have little notes around the house that say "not one word", a reminder to myself to not discuss anything. But I am dying in limbo here. I can not understand how this decision could take so long. And day after day he gets more angry about me checking his cell phone, tonight he got mad when I asked him what side of town he was working on. It is just getting worse.

I cannot plan A well I guess. I have so little time with him now as it is. I just want to do one thing right. I am so tired of failing at this.

Good evening ladies;

I would guess you may get more information from the boss/co-worker than you think. Individuals will keep their nose out of others business until they are asked directly to be a part of the deception. That's where most people draw the line. This is not to mention it is sometimes human nature to be the bearer of bad news and provide gossip.

You never know who your allies are until you try. They may fall all over themselves to fill you in on everything they know. Try the co-worker first to keep the boss out of it and assure him/her you will keep their involvement a secret. If that doesn't work, he/she may just be scared about their involvement's effect on their job...go to the boss who will not have that same fear.

It's worth a shot.
ACT OUT

If I call the number and ask for OW and it is her-do I say anything to her? I just need to know if he is still in contact with her. This is a # that showed up on a Friday night (their night together), 2 missed calls back to back. He does not typically answer #'s he doesn't recognozed, so it is believeable that he did not know at the time who it was. This was 2 weeks ago, the number hasn't shown up since. I really don't have any reason to think he is in contact with her other than his behavior towards me. The "I need some time", staying late at work, not calling during the day...

Jean, I think, from his behavior, that he is still in the affair. He is FURIOUS that you would dare check up on him and that is a significant sign. Apparently, he has something to hide. He likely understands that his anger can scare you into silence, which will embolden him when he most needs you to shut up about his wrongdoing.

He will stay angry and detached until this affair is ended or all hope of an affair is removed. There is no hope of that happening until you expose to the OWH. THEN, your H can really start the withdrawal process and you can REALLY start some recovery.

How do you check his cell phone? How does he know you do this?

ACT
You made good points. This co-worker is also a personal friend who comes by the house often. I would not want to talk to him tonight, his wife would have a fit if she knew that my WH was Aing, then buddy would be guilty by association.

I don't know about the boss guy. WH told him what had happened, boss told him to go home and fix it.

Sometimes he sees me thumbing through it, other times I wait until he's in the shower. At first, he acted like he was fine with that-he understood that he had no credibility. Now, after three weeks, and odd behavior, it does irritate him.

I know-it doesn't look good.