Jean, the "I need some time" and working late are all pretty significant signs. There is an awful lot here that indicates that he is still seeing her.

I would move forward and try to contact her H.

Could he have a secret cell phone hidden in his vehicle?

Yeah, he could. It would be new, just since d-day. I will check his bank statement when it comes in, the other phone is directly debitted from his account. But he could pay cash for one. Detailed billing is not an option without a court order (per the cricket website).

How do you check his cell phone? Do you look at it in front of him? Do you check it online?

Can you have him followed when he gone?

I have checked it casually in front of him and I have checked it when he is in the shower.

I could rent a car for following him.

If I call the # and it is OW, do I say anything to her?

Jean, could you afford to have him followed on an evening you think he might be seeing the OW? And evening when he "needs some time?"

What exactly does he mean when he "needs some time?"

he says he wants to stay at a motel for a week, sort out his thoughts. he says I bombard him with relationship talk and he doesn't know if he even wants to be married to me.

I know that he is shocked himself at what has happened. And those first two weeks, we went at recovery with gangbusters. the past week and a half, he has become very cold and distant. I am sure he has some thinking to do, it does just seem like we could be cordial to each other while he does it.

everyone who knows him thinks that he is being a selfish, delusional a-hole, and everyone says there is probably no hope. his sister, would like me to give him some time to sort out the guilt and pain he is having, but she hasn't really talked to him much.

Just another thought. If co-worker is scared his wife would find out you can use that to your advantage. If he balks at all to giving you information then try the following.

If he says, "Jean I really don't want to get involved"

You say, "If you know something you already are involved. Don't worry, what you tell me will only be between us. I'll get the information one way or another"

If he continues to resist, say in a non-threatening way: "Well, maybe your wife knows something, I hope you don't mind, I think I'll call her right now"

He will not want you calling his wife. If he already told her what is going on she will make him fill you in or fill you in herself whereas if he didn't tell her she will be upset that he knew about this and did not share the information with her. No man wants his wife suspicious of them so he should fess up immediately.

I'm probably putting way to much into this, Sorry.

ACT OUT

ok, I hate to tell you this, but the only reason a WS wants some "space to think" is so they can resume the affair unimpeded. Your H is still in contact and is planning to spend that week with her. He doesn't need to go to a hotel room to "sort out his thoughts." I assure you he is planning on spending it with the OW.

Can you have him followed for a couple of days?

How do you know your WH told him?

ACT- it is almost silly, all this lying, covering up and BS. The buddy does not want his wife to know about my H because then she will think "If he will cheat than I know my husband will cheat". Buddy tells his wife he is working late and then comes over here to play Xbox with my WH. It is just so stupid, why can't WH have the balls to tell me the truth? Why can't I grow the balls to go get the truth?

And what if the truth is not about OW (what if that really is over) but the truth is he really does not give a rats butt about me?

That is what I told him, everything he says is what men who are screwing around say.

And no, I have no idea what the boss told him, he did relay that info to me during one of his fleeting moments of truth (I think).

No, there is no reason for a man to say he is staying in a hotel for week. But he says he can't think here because I want to badger him with trying to meet his needs.

Honestly, if I weren't a recovering alcoholic with many years of sobriety under my belt, I would just stay tipsy for a while, let him have his time and just learn to not give a [email]d@mn[/email] what he decided.

Jean, if he really didn't give a rats [censored], he wouldn't be sneaking around hiding or trying to con you into agreeing to let him "go think" at a hotel for a week. These are all classic signs of an affair that we see here every day. He is in the throes of an addictive affair.

Heck that is the most encouraging thing I have heard all day! So if he really didn't care, he would just leave right? But, maybe he is a cake eater guy.

There are two issues right? One is-is he maintaing NC? Ehh, probably not. So I can continue to actively try to bust him on that. Then the other issue is the whole does he love me enough question. But that cannot be answered accurately as long as he is in active addiction.

So I need to get off his back, let him have his "time" (but I do feel very strongly he needs to stay in the home. Though it makes no real difference, he was able to be in an A and always came home at night. While I continue to sniff his clothes, check his phone and actively try to ID the OW. Is this right?

That's defeatest thinking. In God's eyes you are his one and only soulmate. Right now, as long as you maintain hope, your marriage can and should survive. However unfortunate, reside yourself to the fact that it will be much later in recovery before your husband will fully participate with you in fighting for your marriage.

Have patience and stick with Ms. Lane, she'll guide you through this as I'm only around here occasionally anymore.

ACT OUT

If he did tell his boss anything, it was likely a very spun version of the truth. I don't know if this is the case here, but it is not uncommon for the WS to tell his spouse that he has busted himself to certain people so the BS will not do it. It is a way to protect the affair from exposure.

Jean, if you want to fight this, I would find out what is going on here and expose him. Stop talking about your relationship to him and start doing some serious detective work.

I think a good exposure list would look like this, in this order:

OWH
Boss
co-worker
his family
your family
close friends

All in one fell swoop so he feels the full brunt of exposure and can't pre-empt you. I see exposure as the most important weapon you have against the affair right now. Additionally, I would avoid all lovebusters and not that this is a lovebuster, but stop accusing him or asking him questions. He will just lie anyway and get more defensive.

p.s. and don't agree to the hotel "thinking" scheme. Tell him if he needs to "think" he can go in the bathroom and shut the door. Don't even act for a SECOND like you believe that bullsh**. Tell him he can't bullsh** a bullshi**er and you know there is only one reason to leave, and you are not fooled for a second.

Jean-

I forgot to mention in my story above, what I told my H about my needing 2 weeks in a hotel...I said, among many other things, "I need time away to think, all by myself." I also told him that I needed to do that 750 miles away from where he and I currently reside...I said I needed to go to my hometown, where I felt more safe and secure, and could "clear my head"..."find myself"..."figure out what was going on with me"...I said, "it's not just about the OM, I really need space"...I had the WS Script memorized and didn't even know it...I'm sad to say, so does your H...

If the OW answers, pretend you are a sales person or business associate, and ask to speak to OWH...JMO...

Mrs. Wondering

I really appreciate your time to this Melody. I do believe that a plan A can work, I know that when I was the WS, if he had acted like it affected him at all, I would have stopped.

Is it hounding him if I call him once during the day to see when we can expect him home? Honestly, the more I back off, the more indifferent he becomes. Right after d-day, we would have occasional glimpes of togetherness. But it has been a week and a half since there has been anything but coldness.

I am going to the MD Tues, to see about starting on AD's. Hopefully, that will help my feelings of panic and need for answers NOW!

Exactly. Would you expect a rational answer to that question from a falling down, black out drunk? Or would you wait until he was dried out to ask this question so you could get a rational, sober response frm a sane person?

Treat him just like you would the WORST newbie in AA who comes to meetings smelling like booze full of bullsh** and lies. That is what you are dealing with right now. It is the exact same mentality.

Jean...When you tell him what Melody says above and then he says,



You tell him, if he's looking for sympathy, he can find it between SH** and SYPHILIS in the dictionary!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I'm kidding, my jab wouldn't get you anywhere...just hoping to give you a grin, when all looks so bleak...you will be ok, and we will all be here to support you in any way that we can...

Take Care of You...

Mrs. W