I don't know why, but I'm in some kind of wierd depression and/or I'm having a panick attack.

I can't seem to get over all of this. After 8 months, I'm still obsessed and depressed.

I can't stand that she still works and sees the OM, I can't stand the decisions she's made, I just don't want to live like this anymore.

Why can't I just trust her and move on. She's seems willing to just move on. Why can't she just make one gesture that would show that she understands and cares.

What do I really want???

I can't bring myself to leave my daughter and tear her world apart, but it's killing me.

I am so depressed!

forgive me - I don't know your whole story - but are you taking anti-depressants?

I know that many times people hate to take medication, but it certainly helps with the panic attacks.

What is your wife doing to help you feel safe and secure in yoru home, and in your M?

I did schedule another appointment with SH, but I don't know if I can keep my mouth shut until Tuesday.

I just want to tell her that I'm sorry, I don't want to ruin her life. Mine already is, but there is no reason for hers to be ruined also. I can't deal with her working with him, I can't deal with the fact she won't deal with this. It's too much for me to do on my own.

I feel like I'm failing my daughter if I don't stay in the marriage.

This sucks so bad, how can I fix this on my own?????

Grove -- Your WW is treating you horribly. She is all but throwing her affair in your face and using your child as a hostage to keep you from leaving. She is enjoying the benefits of having both a husband and a boyfriend and is practically daring you to do anything about it.

Who wouldn't be furious and freaking out?

You are probably dealing with a LOT of repressed anger. Anger + fear = rage, and often panic attacks. As the other poster mentioned, don't hesitate to talk to your family doctor about this.

I thought I saw that you are going to be talking to Steve Harley soon. Why not specifically discuss Plan B with him? Many here have done this successfully, even with kids.

This would give you some peace as well as a sense of control over your own life. Right now your WW has 100% of the power and you have none -- that's why it's such an awful feeling.

Talk to SH about (a) how badly and cruelly your wife is behaving, and (b) how to Plan B with children!

Mulan

womanoffaith5 I tried AD, they didn't really help me, they actually made me more emotional and unstable. This can happen. I do have anxiety pills and they seem to do the trick. I haven't needed them in a while, but they helped last night. The only thing my wife has done is to not leave. She also says that I know everywhere she goes and that she isn't having contact with him. That's it.

Our anniversary was Monday. She didn't even get me a card. She went to work out after work and that was it. Well, she did say happy anniversary when she woke up in the morning. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity for her to do something nice. STUPID ME!!

Mulan,

I will talk to Steve about my options and how I am feeling. We'll see what he says. My love bank is in the negatives, but that doesn't seem to matter to anyone except me. I'm going to wait until Tuesday before I do anything, but I don't see much, if any, hope to save this.

Grovetucky-

Yeah, you need to go to plan B.....that's the only thing that really going to help. I'll be doing that myself as soon as I find someplace to go.

Why don't you take your daughter to Arts in the Alley today in downtown Grove City.....there's a lot of free stuff for kids to do, and you could take her w/o your WW in tow and just have a good time with her. (There's also alot of art exhibits and tents with arts/crafts for sale).

I hope things go well Tuesday with SH. I can't afford to call them, heck I can't even afford to keep gas in my car....I REALLY need a new job....but such is life.

And I believe it is completely normal for you to feel like you do, being there with her, knowing she sees the OM at work.......it's too much to deal with. And she's SECURE in knowing that you aren't going to leave because of your daughter........Mulan is right, she's holding all the cards, and she's acting like she doesn't give a crap about your marriage.........she cares more than you think, but there have been NO CONSEQUENCES for her actions.....time for her to pay the piper....with you going to Plan B.

-Caren

I went to Arts in The Alley and another event with both my WW and daughter. It was already planned and I wasn't going to stay home by myself.

I had an interesting conversation with my WW on the way to the second event/family picnic. My WW says that she is staying in the marriage for our daughters sake and that she is also hoping that the "spark" will come back.

I told her it's not going to come back on it's own. I also asked what she learned from all of this. She said that she would never ever cheat on me again. She would never hurt me like that again.

I didn't push this too much. I want to talk to SH one more time.

To be honest, I really can't afford to call him again. But I want to talk to him one more time, before I make my decision. I debating on going ahead and filing for divorce without my wife's signature. I guess this is how you do it if there is problems.

WW, daughter and I had a good day.

Every day is the same for me. I'm consumed by this whole mess. It's all I think about. Of couse night time is even worse. There is no where to go to escape my thoughts.

How could she do this to me, not just the affair, but all of it?

How do I get over this?

Why can't I just leave????

Hi there Grove

I just wanted to check in with you - you might remember that our situations are quite similar (teachers eh!), and at about the same point in time.

I think what others have told you is really important - my H started his new job in a new school two weeks ago - and I think that not seeing the OW makes a lot of difference - for both of us. That's not to say that I feel completely secure, and if you've seen my message about instant messenger contacts then you'll get that. It's also not to say that everything is rosy and 'fixed'. But we both feel that we're moving in the right direction (the same direction) and that there is at least hope for our M. My H will now openly admit that I was right to demand that he moved.

We don't have any children, so I guess that's a bit different, but I would still be pushing for her to get (or at least make efforts to find) a new post. I recognise how difficult that can be, but I really think it's going to be very difficult - for both of you, not just for you, if you can't get her to even start doing this. Have you exposed her at work, and to anyone else who will listen? (Sorry about this - I really can't remember?)

Hard as it is (and I thank God I haven't yet had to resort to it) I think others are right that Plan B might be called for. I don't know how this works out with children - others far more experienced than me on this.

In the meantime, try to take good care of you (i know, easier said than done). Try to keep in mind that you can't sort all of this out on your own, you need a bit of cooperation somewhere.

You're in lots of our thoughts though, so keep hanging in there.

unhappy_badger

Thanks unhappy_badger for the reply. It's been tough. She won't even entertain the thought of changing jobs. She says it doesn't matter that they work in the same building. She doesn't speak to him and rarely sees him. She either doesn't get it, or doesn't care. She claims it's a little of both. She says she has to follow her heart, and right now her heart isn't into doing anything to save the marriage. She said she'll stay in the marriage, but with no changes on her part. She's waiting on me to change???

I have tried to fill some of her needs, but it's very difficult to do when she refuses to meet any of my needs.

I exposed my wife to her family and some of our friends. I know some of her co-workers are aware of the affair, because I confronted her in front of them during an after-work party that she and the OM went to and sat alone together. She said she was getting closure, but she had promised that she would leave if he was there and instead she sat with him and talked. I had a friend go there and he called to say they were sitting together.

After that, everything went from bad to worse.

We had a big blow out last night after her friend called (the same friend who was calling the OM for my wife) and I told her that the next time she called I would hang up on her. I said that I couldn't keep her from talking to her, but that I didn't have to talk to her or have her directly in my life. I confronted this friend about the calls and she got angry and hung up on me, saying she could call and talk to anyone she wanted.

Dear Grovetuck,
I am so sorry for you situation. I agree with others that your wifes behavior is reflecting the lack of consequences for her actions.
The book Tough Love was recommended to me by posters here. I have just started reading it. I think it might help you in this instance.
I don't know how you can stand knowing your wife is working at the same place as o/w.
I was having to deal with husband having sightings of o/w because o/w worked at facility mil lived at. A very intolerable situation that was complicated by the welfare of my mil.
I feel better now that husband doesn't have to see o/w accidently while visiting his mother.

I realize you can't make someone do something, I just don't understand how the woman I married could behave this way. Doesn't she have any compassion for the pain she has caused and is still causing? Who is this woman????

She has surrounded herself with people who will tell her what she wants to hear and it's causing more and more damage.

In the end, she's responsible for her own actions and decisions. Unfortunately it will be my daughter and myself that will pay the highest price.

***Doesn't she have any compassion for the pain she has caused and is still causing?***

Grove, that is probably the #1 hallmark of a WS. You could lie down and bleed to death right in front of them and all they would do is complain about the stain on the rug.

They feel nobody's pain but their own.
Mulan

Grove, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, go out and buy Tough Love by Dobson. The natural instinct for the b/s is to complain and wring your hands, and plead for mercy. We expect our w/s to understand we are in pain. What they see from our behavior is that we are pitiful. They don't want pitiful spouse. They don't want clinging, spouse that is crying. This drives them the opposite way. The more upset and clinging we are, the more desperate we appear to the w/s. This drives the w/s away. They feel like they are trapped and the urge to flee is great.

I am sorry to see that you are in so much pain.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
she's responsible for her own actions and decisions. Unfortunately it will be my daughter and myself that will pay the highest price.
----------------------------------------------------------

You're right. Can't control her actions, but you can control how much you are willing to take. I am glad you are speaking to SH to get some advice. You are living an unhealthy situation and it sounds like you have passed your tolerance limit, and by doing so, I wonder if you are not actually contributing to the 'damage' to yourself and your daughter.

I am a BS, I have kids, and I am in PLAN B. It's not what I wanted. My wounds are deep. But I realized that before I start taking care of my wounds, I needed to stop the bleeding - it was either WS and N/C with OW (which I can't control) or me, BS and N/C with WS (as long as OW is in his life). It was easier to let go when I also realized that WS was not the H I married. I am slightly less of a mess than while part of a triangle.

Your WW is continuing to be selfish, because she is not your W, and is telling you that she has no intention of making any efforts in your M. It looks to me now that the ball is in your court: is this acceptable to you or, how long are you prepared to tolerate it, and if not, are you willing to do something about it.

You deserve better. You really do. One way or the other. So does your daughter.

You need to take care of yourself if you want to be there for your daughter. Please do.

Thanks lunamare, I know that I am either heading to some form of Plan B or Divorce. I can't keep this up.

I realize that I am honestly scared of being alone. I don't want to lose my family or live without seeing my daughter everyday, but I can't keep this up any longer either. I'm miserable and it's not going to get better the way things are. My wife can't and/or won't do even something as simple as throwing a toy away that the OM gave to her for our daughter. She gave it to her parents, who also refuse to throw it away.

When I look at everything that she's done, I am shocked, amazed and ashamed that I am still with her. Yet, here I am. I feel like I have no dignity left.

I'm eager to talk to SH again and see what his opinion will be on my next step.