For some reason I am feeling more and more bound and determined to knock on the OW door (she used to be my best frind) and tell her exactly what she has done to me. I am so pissed. It has been just shy of 4 months and instead of me healing I feel I gt madder every day. I needed someone to talk to today-I started out having a bad day and it got increasingly worse (my BIL is dying of cancer I write). I resent not only that my friend slept with my H-had an affair with my H for 2 yrs, but also that she chose to ruin a eal good friendship for some damn reason I can not comprehend. It makes me so angry at ME that I still miss her friendship-but am I wrong to truly care about those who are my friends? She gave me a heartache for life-I can't seem to get this off my mind. The more I try the worse I get. My H and I are doing real well-we are truly in love and always have been-but each day for us is a better day. But it isn't enough. Because of both of their lack of respect for their spouses and their lack of any self control and their lack of heart I suffer as does her H. I will tell you all why I let it eat me up-becasue I am real, I have feelings, and I cared about my H and my marriage enough to allow it to hurt me. If I wasn't so afraid for my kids I would end my pain now-but I know better as I had a brother who decided to take his own life over the hurt a woman caused him. But the thought of it is so very welcome to me-I hate the hurt that builds each day within me. I want so bad to go to the OW-show her my pain-make her suffer for what she did to me by hopefully showing her what she has done to me-one person who never found a fault in her-because I thought more of my friendship than I did causing great pain to someone.<BR>can someone tell me if I am wrong to want to go there? Has anyone (I am sure there is someone) done this? How did it happen? I need help-I am fully aware of it. But right now I am not eady to go receive it. Not from a professional anyhow. I trust you all here-my friends that I don't know-to help me through this. I am tired of telling people around here what happened in my life. Please take time to post.<P>Thanks<P>*heartache*<P>LOYALTY IS NOT ONE SIDED

Wow do I understand that need!<BR>OW was never a friend to me by any means but I felt what you felt intensely. A need to confront her - then a need to forgive her - then confront her.<BR>Part of the process. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. Anger is a stage of grief and you are grieving a friendship as well. Only you can decide what to do.<BR>I called the OW and talked to her for 5 minutes one night. Yes I felt better because I got some off my chest. I took a chance. I was at the end of my rope. I offered my H to her on a silver platter. He never went.<BR>I found out later that she waited two hours (takes 1 1/2 hours to get there) then started calling his cell to see what was taking him so long. He never went. <BR>I did say some things I needed to get out. It was a waste of time as far as she was concerned though. She doesn't understand much and that was all she could answer.<BR>That being said, I got more good out of writing letters, burning them, burning anything I could that had to do with her. That is how I got it out. I have a hay bale with her name on it and a hockey stick propped beside it. I haven't visisted it for a while. I haven't needed to.<BR>I do still have the urge to send her a letter I wrote. I may some day.<BR>I know you are sick of the word TIME but it is your friend. Sometimes the anger gets worse before it gets better. You have been so caught up with getting your marriage back on track you haven't even paid attention to these other emotions.<BR>My only suggestion if you do decide to confront her is to have a game plan ahead of time. Write down what you want to say and stick to it. Don't let her change the direction. And take someone with you.<BR>give it a little while before you make any decisions. some other ways of getting through the anger would be safer for you.<BR>

Thanks wasstubborn-<P>I need to hear other peoples experiences. I need to hear what others have done and how they handled it and how things went for them.<P>Know why I akm so angry? Not jsut ebcause she ruined a very good friendship but becaue she lied about several things that are of major importance. she has given her H lies about things, she has also told her H in the beginning that my H made a pass at her (this was like 1 yr and 9 months after their whole affair started) and he in turn told a mutual friend that my H made a pass at his W so therefore now he too not only ignores (glares at) my H but he has othing to do with my H because of a lie. She did things that I KNOW she never told her H-yet she swore to him on her fathers grave that she told all and it was all the truth. In the beginning when her H came to me to talk I stuck up for the *****-I didn't want him to leave her without at elast trying. I told him that she is a good person, that she did love him........and on and on. These things I believe to be the truth. However I was so busy protecting their marriage that I allowed it to look even worse for my H. Her H was so very angry-from the very beginning. he told me how he wanted to kill my H, he told me things that made me so afraid. I finally told him that anything he might think of doing to my H would only end up hurting me and my kids-and that we were innocent. I also told him that I could have those same feelings towards his W-but it wouldn't be fair to him or his kids.<BR>But the bottom line is-she lied so much. About the big things-the things that would probably make her H walk out her door. Now she drives around in her new car, she hangs with her friends, does all the norm while I feel as though I sit and pity the end of our friendship.<BR>I am not a mean person by any means but I know I can't ever forgive her. Maybe God wouldn't like that but she hurt me to the core. I am on my second marriage. I have always thought of this H as the light in my life. He loves me a great deal and I fel the same towards him.. She ruined my happiness but scarring it with her lust. I know my H was a aprt of it also-but I can pretty much gaurantee that had she not made any attempts at luring him into her crotch he wouldn't have ever been there. And for 2 yrs she acted as though she were my friend-we all went over 1000 miles together as families to vacation. We camped together-attended each others kids b-day parties. You name it we did it. Now what do I tell my kids? They have asked why I don't talk to the OW any more. I just say I don't. But they know-and I think they know whatever it is it must be bad. even if I wanted to forget her I couldn't-she pops into my rear view mirror, I see her at the soccer fields, I see her where I get my hair cut, I will more than likely run into her at the grocery store one day. I hate her for hurting me. I want her to feel my pain. I don't mean that in a bad way-I am not saying I want to hurt her-I just want her to know how deeply she scarred me. Sure I have my H-she doesn't stand a chance of ever getting him again. But it always lingers-she had him once or twice or let's say 5 times (she told her H 2 times). <BR>I apologize for venting so heavily here-I know I need to focus on rebuilding and moving ahead-I jsut can't seem to get past June 1st-when I found out.<P>*heartache*

Friends like this, you don't need. She stopped being your friend when she crossed the line (two years ago). She obviously did not care about your feelings during the affair, what makes you think that she will care now? Why bother trying to show her how much you have been hurt by her actions? As the saying goes: Never try to teach a pig to sing---it wastes your time and it annoys the pig. Please don't put yourself in this position---you have stated that you have your husband back and you are doing well, don't allow her the power to hurt you any more. Hold your head up high whenever you run into her anywhere, and pretend that she doesn't even exist. Personally, I still struggle with the urge to re-arrange the OW's face, what stops me is the firm belief that what goes around, comes around. Someday, someone will come along and try to destroy what she holds dear.....<P>Peace.<P>P.S. I found out about my h's affair on June 14th...<p>[This message has been edited by Merlyn (edited September 27, 1999).]

Heartache - Although the ow in my case was not a close friend I did know her and see her during the affair. She works for my husband's business. I can only imagine how intense your feelings must be when the ow was a "friend" of yours. I think when you have known the op you have the added burden of reliving every time you saw her during the affair and becoming enraged thinking about how she could look you straight in the eyes while she was having an affair with your husband and destroying your family. I hate her more each time I think of an occasion where she said hello and chatted with me when she was carrying on with my husband. Like you I sometimes obsess on confronting her - I also want revenge. I have to believe with time the intensity of my hatred for her will diminish. I found out about the affair about six months ago - for you it has only been about three or four months. Please trust it will get better with time. I also agree with those who posted and said to not act too hastily. There is always time to confront if that is what you actually decide to do. At the stage you are at I could see no other alternative than to tell the ow how I felt, what she did, how could she...and ask her when she was going to get out of our lives and get a new job. I am glad I held off for many reasons. I will probably still contact her at some time and know by waiting my chances of being in control when I do it are greater than they would have been a few months ago. Like you I will probably run into her in town - most likely passing in my car - sometimes I think in the event we should see each other I will give her the finger and then I think no, I must do something with much more class. <BR>I am very happy you and your husband are doing so well. Try not to focus on the ow at least when you are with your husband - its seems to prolong the rebuilding process.<BR>As for those here who think you need to forgive the op to heal I disagree. Your friend doesn't deserve your forgiveness and I'm not sure she could ever earn it.

Thanks Merlyn,<P>It helps, as I sit here waiting for a response, to get one and a positive one at that!! I too believe that what goes around comes around-gawd I can't wait till she feels some major pain. of course, the poor thing says how awful she feels, how guilty and wrong.................on and on. You are also right-she did stop being my friend when she crossed the line, but it would ahve been awful nice to let me know way back then instead of them going on for two years (it was really off and on not full time at all) and then bursting my bubble, making me feel so dense, so niave, so damn stupid to ever trust. I can't help but feel though that I owe her big time-too bad her H never held my interest. <BR>Thanks though for reminding me what I needed to hear.<P>*heartache*

Thanks so much Simone-<P>Your words I so needed to hear. I am dying inside, and I don't know why. My H is a wonderful person-I know almost for a fact that OW was so jealoous of all he does for me. He never hesitates to help in the kitchen or laundry or even ironing for me. he works shift work but when ever he is home at night he does dinner dishes-it is jsut his way-I don't ask him ever!! I think she hated me haivng such a geat guy. He said she told him at one time that I didn't appreciate him-how the hell would she even know? I love this man like I have never loved anyone-including my own parents. He is my world and she doesn't know half of it. Poor girl can just suffer because he is staying right here with me. Last night my H had to work graveyard and then double over to days-I packed at least 6 diferent notes into his lunch pail in different places. he loved it. I am not claiming to be anyone special but I can say I know how to love someone-and I do love my H with all my heart. <P>I so appreciate your reply-it means the world to me. Never hesitiate to write me again need the companionship!! <P>*heartache*

Honey, you said it all in your last post: "Poor girl can just suffer because he is staying right here with me." You already have a piece of the payback---just like I have mine. The OW will never have a part of our husbands again---and the slugs know it. <P>Granted, we've been hurt, because of our blind trust (what I overlooked/ignored/denied is completely amazing to me, in retrospect). However, look at it from another perspective: we have also "benefited" from this. Our husbands realize what we really mean to them. We have gained an awareness that is a valuable tool in self protection---we will NEVER be caught again in this way. We have the chance to "fix" what was wrong, to make our marriages better. We have learned a lot about what it takes to keep a relationship on the right track. Did we know this stuff before? Nope. Took something rotten like this to make us understand. <P>It's hard not to hate the OW. But hate takes a lot of energy. As far as I'm concerned, she ain't worth it. I did call her twice, when I first found out. Had a nice little chat. Followed up by writing her a letter (included a couple of "gentle" threats---nothing that would get me in trouble legally). I'm not known for my good temper *sigh*. We haven't heard a peep out of her. Good thing, otherwise I'd probably be writing this from jail, and my poor husband would be home with the three youngest children.....Okay, I'm only half kidding.....<P>In any case, not everyone on this forum is as lucky as we are.....<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Merlyn (edited September 27, 1999).]

I understand all to well - I did not contact. All I can offer is that the main question you have to ask is....<P>What will you gain? It will not take away the pain - it may make it worse. Time will will take the anger and pain away, but you should understand this - SHE IS NO FRIEND!!!<P>Remember that.<P>------------------<BR>H

One person who is no longer on the board had one of her friends come and stay with her and the kids, and her friend messed around with her husband.<P>She wrote a letter to the friend, and posted it here before she sent it off. She told her lots of how she felt, and it was almost a closure for her. I think (if my memory serves me right) that she was at the point of almost forgiveness - with boundaries, by the time she edited the letter and sent it off.<P>I think it is okay to tell a person how you feel, forgive them, and also set appropriate boundaries (in your case ending all contact with her) and have some closure.<P>Maybe that is something you can do? It is eating you up to hold all of it in day after day.<P>TNT

Heartache,<BR>You are being sooo hard on yourself. Of course you are still intensely hurt and angry. You got a double whammy,,from both your H and your friend! And it hasn't even been four months yet!! I know,,easy for me to say 'cause if agony counted, it'd seem like a hundred years!! I know. But seriously, I know you don't want to hear this,,but TIME. Time will make it hurt less. Not go away,,not erased but hurt less and less. My H and I are at 19months now after discovery of his affair. I did confront the OW three times. The first two times, I only suspected something was going on. She acted arrogant, superior, and very irritated that I would even suspect anything. Told me I was "rude and obnoxious." Ohhhh,,if only I knew then what I know now!!! The third time I called her. I had proof and knew what was going on, just not ALL the details. She told me I was crazy,,and needed to "keep my dog on a shorter leash." I never had the chance to talk to her after I had all the facts. I wanted to real bad. But as time passed I realized that it would do no good. She didn't care about my pain. She didn't care that I knew she had lied. She didn't care that her participation in this affair had hurt me beyond any pain I had ever felt before in my life. The plain and simple fact is,,,she didn't care about me at all. Not then or not now. <BR>My only consolation now is that I still have my H,,we have a better marriage than ever INSPITE of her. She wasted many good years waiting for my H to leave "his unhappy home" only to discover he still loved his wife and family and wanted to rebuild. All her lies and coniving did her no good. Look at what the OW in your life was willing to give up for your H. Your friendship, her H, her family,,And HE chose NO. <BR>It won't accomplish anything to talk to her again. I can almost promise you that. She will either be arrogant and unremorseful which will really anger you or will make up lies and stories to create more problems for you and your H to deal with out of revenge for being dumped. Don't waste your time. As my counselor says,,"don't continue to give her the power to destroy you". <P>Also,,the counseling is not a bad idea. Seriously think about it. I didn't want to go either but it has helped me immensely. The first few times I mainly cried and vented my anger and fury and even that helped..but after that I really began to look forward to the sessions and feel better. Try it, please.

Dear Heartache: Hey, sweetie, I know all too well the pain that you are feeling right now, for I was in the same situation a year ago. As far as confronting the "friend" I really don't think you are going to get what you are hoping for. You are expecting an apology, remorse, repentance, but I feel you will come away feeling even angrier than you are right now.<BR>If she had felt the least bit of friendship towards you, she never would have ventured into the affair to start with. I also know the feelings of embarrassment, humiliation, and deceit that you are feeling.<BR>Damned right it hurts! But, if you stop and think about all of the time you are spending thinking about "her", you are denying yourself of enjoying all of the things that life has to offer you. All of the things that you truly deseve. By consuming your every waking moment with thoughts of what "she" did to you, you are AGAIN being cheated, but this time, YOU are cheating yourself.<BR>It took me almost a year to start thinking rationally about what she had "done" to me. Not only was she a good friend to me, but I had opened my home and my heart to her. I cooked for her, confided in her, helped her out monetarily, cried with her when she was going through her divorce. Rather than see her spend special occasions alone, I invited her along to my sons' homes to enjoy the family day with us, only to find out later, that my husband was giving her money for gas, and other luxuries.<BR>So, believe me, I know exactly how you are feeling. You are not a stupid person. Far from it! You are a lady with a good heart, who trusted that as a friend, she would not deceive you. I too know what it is like to have to see the OW around every corner. It is so difficult, but it is those times, you must hold your head high, and continue on with YOUR life. <BR>It took me the good part of a year to try and understand how my sister could have done that to me. After all that time, I still haven't figured it out, and never will. I finally came to terms with it, as best as I can. I take solace in the fact that I can look myself in the mirror in the morning, and not have to turn away in disgust. Do I hate her now? No! Do I still hurt? Definately! My heart has been permanently damaged by what BOTH of them have done, but, I made the decision to stay in my marriage, as you have done. It is now up to you, to make the most of it, as you cannot change the past, just the future. Yes, it is a hard pill to swallow, but I will be damned if I will let her take anymore of my happiness from me. I know it is hard, but please try to focus your energies on making your marriage succeed, not on how it almost got destroyed. Good Luck.<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

I feel a great big need to smash the OWs face into the pavement...leave her lying in a bloody, beat up heap.....etc etc etc....<BR>heartache, you know my profile already i think...i understand..i fight the urge to drive over and confront her every few days or so. its taking all my will power to stay away because i want to hurt her. she has hurt me and she has hurt my children. we told my 16 year old stepdaughter this weekend only to find that she already knew because the OW had told her teenage daughter, who then told ours. so ours has been carrying around this 'secret' of her father's infidelity. i could just knock her head off.<BR>okay sorry venting...<P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough<P>

I also fight the urge everyday to go over to OW home and confront her. Sometimes I just want to drive over and hide out to just get a look at her (I still do not know what she looks like).<P>I have confronted her on the phone and it actually helped me to learn what a lonely, pathetic individual she is. It also gave her a sense that she was taking my H away and they would be together forever because I did not disagree with her when she said it. This has given me so much power now that he has stayed and she is very messed up. I actually feel sorry for her.<P>I think you should do what is right in your heart and what you feel will help the healing process. I said it before and I will say it again... Everyone needs to do their own thing. What may be right for one may not be right for another. Just use your head and don't fly off with name calling. Show her how strong you are by not giving in to her.

Cracker,<P>I too like you have not seen this woman yet and know that someday I will see her. Lord willing.<P>Until then I must keep going everyday and get rid of these hostile feelings for her.<P>I haven't even had the courage to talk to OW on the phone. I am so afraid it will just give her reason to contact my husband at work so they can talk. <P>Now I am trying to be content with praying for her. Forgiving her even though she doesn't want my forgiveness.<P>Heartache,<P>There are many threads here if you search in reference to the same subject. You will see many varied opinions and results from things others have done.<P>Just be sure you aren't alone if you do this. Be prepared for what ever may come your way.<P>I remember I posted a similar post long ago and one woman told me she confronted the OW and it blew up in her face. The OW was extremely hostile and aggressive. This poor betrayed woman wasn't prepared and after thought of many other ways she could have reacted.<P>Good luck and keep us posted. I'll be praying for you and your wisdom of choice.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>