Why is it that today I feel like nobody in the whole world could possibly understand how I feel? Not even all you other BS's who are sharing the woes of adultery. I know each situation is unique but there appear to be so many twists and turns as my marriage disintergrates.

WH called yesterday. He will shortly be hospital for a couple of days whilst a shunt is put into his wrist. Some time early in the new year he will start kidney dialysis. He is embarking on a relationship with OW (I have yet to figure out if she understands what his illness implies because her English is crap).

I feel so wretched for wanting out of this marriage when deep down somewhere I feel he needs saving. But how can you save someone when they have pressed a self-destruct button? He has messed up so badly with his health, our marriage, the kids and it is me who will be left picking up the pieces as he gets sicker and the money dries up. I am having a huge pity party. I know I have to move back to England and get away - I thought I was strong enough to remain in Hong Kong and keep my distance but today I seriously doubt it. In two hours it's my girls birthday party and I am so NOT in a party mood.

Drove to McDonalds for breakfast and had a flat tyre this morning. What a crappy day.

OT: Are there any medical professionals out there who can advise me what are the chances of him working as normal whilst undergoing dialysis - and for how long? Lemonman?

TT, move to London and live for your girls. Like you said you cannot save him, he doesn't want saving. Protect yourself financially if you have not already. {{tt}}

FF - I will but in order to protect myself financially, I need to sort things out this end. It will take a bit of time. Just all seems overwhelming today. Thanks for replying. TT

I feel so wretched for wanting out of this marriage when deep down somewhere I feel he needs saving. But how can you save someone when they have pressed a self-destruct button?

tucktummy....

sometimes
sometimes........
just some times........

the way we save someone is by doing what we need to do to not be there to save them.........................

sometimes.........
when we have done everything we can........
we need to walk away...

here's my honest concern..
dialysis...is a big deal...
is he going on a transplant list?

and while I have no idea about hong kongs practices...
dialysis is a rough treatment...

he's young
so that's good..
but there will be days when the treatments kick him in the butt..
also his diet will be greatly impacted and the better he adheres to that the smoother the rest will go..

it greatly impacts travel
and trips as he can't skip or miss treatments......

Here's what breaks my heart about this situation

that he's coming to the wall on something that has serious serious implications on his life....that seriously impacts his own mortality....and he chooses to turn from his family and CHILDREN and to the OW....

he is very lost...and this is no reflection on you..

it's almost surreal........

you can't save him..
free yourself from that thought
and see where you land....

ARK

Thanks for your kind words Ark. I feel a bit better than I did this morning but this ain't going to go away. TT

well as a nurse i can tell you his life will revolve around his treatments. they will be at a min of 2-3 hours every other day. Fluid will be restricted diet will be modified. ya know salt and things like that. oh and heaven forbid the shunt should have problems.he is on a rough road and doesn't know it.

I know the feelings you are having because I have them myself but have come to terms with you can't help someone who doesn't want it or knows they need it you have to let them crash on thier own. I know I am a good person but I am not going to stick my neck out for my WH just because he thinks I should. The rougher it is for him the better lesson he will learn. Mine thinks I am mean and spiteful but I am not I am just letting his mistakes effect him and not protecting him anymore. He made the choices not I now he needs to learn the impact of them.

Good luck I hope everything works out for you and I will pray for you to have the strenght to do what you need to do.

Joanna - it would be so hard living with him going through the treatment. I was the one who researched everything when he was first diagnosed - he went into denial. It's all caught up with him now and I just feel so sorry for him. He's made some terrible choices and never tried to do the right thing. He's just gives me so much worry and anxiety.

It's just hard letting go. I'm sure you know that. TT

TT, my friend. No advice, just good thoughts and prayers your way.

"I hope you get out of the sh1t, darlin', Theres no bad in you".

{{{{TT}}}}

Bob - I think we should both be in bed! You because it's after midnight and me because it's 7 AM on a Sunday morning! I used to love a lie-in. Usually, sleep is not a problem for me but I feel very unsettled at the moment. The calm before the storm??

I'm waiting for my painkillers to work before I retire. Wont sleep otherwise. this gout is crippling, i will see the doc Monday for drugs to prevent attacks. Its enfeebling me - something I am not used to.

I'll go limp round the kitchen and fill the dishwasher before retiring to my chaste couch.

As long as I'm not tired I don't mind getting up before the kids. Quiet coffee, read of the paper, listen to the clock tick, that sort of thing.

I suspect a storm's coming for you too. I said so a while back that you will have opportunities to rebuild or sensibly end your M very soon.

[email]Cr@p[/email] huh ?

Gout - WH was crippled with it too before he got the drugs to prevent attacks. For him the drugs were a pain because he was already taking a cocktail of them, so it added to the list. Keep eating the cherries. No wonder you've been feeling a bit despondent if you're in pain. Hope the doctor sorts you out. TT

TT - I'm still keeping that kidney warm.

I'll tell you the story of my boy's dad. He had an affair and took off with OW. He was already very sick. He had a heart attack at 37.

He ended up moving with her to Florida, and never say his boys for years and years. Never called either.

She finally left him when he got sicker. He died two years ago, alone. He died sometime around the 4th of July and no one found him for 3 days, when the neighbors noticed his papers piling up.

It made me very sad, and I think I will always be very sad about it. There was no reason for his life to end like that except his own choices. Believe me, I tried for 5 years to get him to turn things around, but it was useless.

You know Tummytuck, the chances of him doing this are very slim. Dialysis treatments are usually three days a week minimum and last 4 hours at a time. I don't really know how someone could work a "normal" job being out 12 hours a week minimum during the work day. Treatments often leave pts weak and fatgiued due to electrolyte abnoramlities and fluid shifts that occur during the "bath" (aka as the dialysis treatment). Many patients here in the US go on disablity after needing to go on Dialysis. Patients with ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease) have increasing % of mortality each year and often have severe physical and psychosocial effects of what this does to their lifestyle. Do you think your libido woule be "up" and that you would be a fun person to be around of you had to be hooked up to a machine for 12 hours a week to "piss" off fluid?

I cannot imagine why the OW would "sign up" for this duty. She must not have a clue. Your WH is going to be likely faced with mutliple future hospital admissions for malnutrition, anemia, cardiovascular disease effects, infections, etc.....I think in the end you are probably going to get your WH "back" but please read up on what his future will entail. I see that you have daughters who are young, do they understand the implications of your WH going on dialysis? They absolutely need to realize the very real implications of what this means for his life and future. Has he been linked with a kidney transplant program yet?

I am sorry for your struggles. You were undoubtedly dealt a bad hand here. I know it is certainly no consolation, but I can 100% guarantee you that the future for your WH and OW is not at all "rosy". There is a very real reason why they call the dialysis units, the "killing fields". I am very sorry for your pain. Pleaase let me know if there is anything I can ever do to help you, or any questions that I can answer. Feel free to email me.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Believer - Thanks. Then you will understand the helplessness of my situation. I wonder if it's because he's sick and feels like his life ahead is so daunting that he may as well 'grab a bit of happiness' whilst he can. I truly believe he wishes he never strayed but he just can't turn back now. He always was stubborn. tt

Ooops - you missed LM's post.

I understand, and feel bad about the situation you have been put in. OW won't stick around, that's for sure.

quick T/J.......Pure, your description above actually sounds enticing to me......

Lemonman - I almost want to send this to him but it's so depressing I haven't got the heart! I think he will try to carry on as 'normal' but the time constraints will play havoc with work and his relationship. God, I hope he gets a kidney transplant. He's only 44. His creatinine levels were stable around 300 for 4 yrs before he met OW. Sent himself on a downward spiral and it's now 640.

Thanks for your offer re advice. I'm sure you'll be hearing from me a lot. Now, about this urine infection of mine ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Oh, Lemonman, one other thing. Are caucasion kidneys compatible with asian kidneys? Does the difference in our make-up affect organ donation? I know it wouldn't make a difference to blood type but tissue type? tt

Race will not be the main compatability factor, it goes by tissue compatability and other immunohistological properties that are not really worth going into detail here. If he is 44 years old, he is the PRIME type of patient that ABSOLUTELY should have a transplant. Is his kidney disease on the basis of Diabetes?

lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

No - his diagnosis after a biopsy many moons ago (1988) was focal glomeralsclerosis (sp). He is very fit, slim, and in all other respects healthy. Has blood pressure problems which are related but mostly under control. His dad does have type 2 diabetes but is very unfit and overweight. My WH doesn't smoke or drink but I feel a bit more attention to his diet might have helped the decline (maybe).