Naturally, my H is very hurt about what I did. This comes out mostly as anger in the way he treats me (he rarely says anything about what I did). This anger permeates so much of our interactions. He routinely treats me disrespectfully, is impatient, inconsiderate, won't talk to me, yells at me, curses at me, blames me for things, does not apologize much, etc. He says he cares about me, but he really does not act like he does.

I would love for my M to make it, but I know it cannot if we both do not do the work. And, I do not know he can if he is still so angry/hurtful. And, he said he is not in a place that he wants to forgive me for what I did.

All I do know is that I loved the man he was- the man I think he still is deep down, but this constant mistreatment is not acceptable to me. I only want to remain married if he still is those things and works on the things that got us here and wants to meet my most important ENs. I married him because he was kind, patient, a good friend, loving, funny, thoughtful, handsome, smart and so many wonderful things. And, he has always been a great father. I see some of those traits so rarely now. I try to give him concessions as I know he has been so incredibly hurt by what I did. But he never talks about the pain (says he does not want to talk with me about it since I caused it, but I would love for him to tell me), so it comes out in other ways and infects many of our interactions.

At what point do you accept that someone does not want to move past the pain to a healthier place/R? At what point do you realize that the damage is so deep that this person may not ever recover? He is miserable and he is making me miserable. I am starting to really dislike who he has become and I am losing my desire to save my M. I know he is the one and I believe we can make it work--but, only if we do it together and not as adversaries. If he cannot forgive (not forget), I do not think we have a chance. We may not make it even if we join together to save this, but we most certainly cannot make it if he chooses not to forgive.

I have not lost all hope, but I am getting tired of the poor treatment and it is wearing me down each and every day.

I haven't read any of your other threads, but I wonder about the logic of your H being angry at you for doing something that he himself did as well?

I am a BH, D-Day about 6 weeks ago, and I will admit that my anger is greatly damaging / inhibiting our attempts at reconciliation.

I assume (hope) your both are in MC? Basically, your H has to decide if holding on to his anger is more important than trying to save his M.

I personally know that I don't want to look back in a few years and see that I am divorced because I couldn't handle my anger towards my W. If we D, I want to be sure it is because of something more "legitamate" than me not being able to control my anger.


That said, it is still pretty dang hard to control. Logically, AO's are not constructive. But, just like the emotions involved in A's, no emotions are necessarily "logical". Understand that and attempt to help him control it if you can.

Like I said, he needs to look in himself and decide if in a few years he will be alright being divorced because he couldn't / wouldn't control his anger. The anger will fade over time, the D is forever...

Hi Imp. Sorry to hear that things aren't moving well for you. Your pain comes through loud and clear. You are better at this stuff than I am so the only advice I can give you is what I am always being told by others.
There are no roadsigns, no signals that tell you when to do something or when the time is right for a certain action. You (and I'm talking about myself here as well) have to trust yourself and your instincts. You'll KNOW when it's time to leave the relationship behind. I believe that every person's threshold is different but I think that when you reach that place the emotions will be unmistakable. Then you will have to follow your heart and realize that sometimes, no matter how much we wish it were otherwise, things just don't turn out as we would have wanted.
You have impressed me as a person just by your words and by your conduct here. I don't see you as someone who will accept the short end of the stick. Do your best and if it isn't enough at least you know you gave it your all. There will be lots of regrets I'm sure but personal failure doesn't have to be one of them. Good luck, hang in there.

Tired Dad-

Thank you for responding. I also have a hard time with him being unable to forgive my A as he had one too. His response is that just because he had one does not mean he can forgive mine. I am trying to understand this, but this has been one of the issues we have been having. He seems to have a different set of rules for himself than he has for me. For example, he will not accept me using a rude tone of voice or interupting (understandably so), but he will try to justify it when he does it. He does not want me checking up on him because of his A, yet he checks up on me all the time. These are the things that bother me. It feels (and has for some time), that I am the only one who had an A in his eyes.



This is the ultimate question, isn't it? I think he would say,"Yes" at this point. He just said that he does not want to forgive because he has not even forgiven himself (though he rarely acts like a wayward spouse). I often wonder whether he blames me for his own A as well. And, I often wonder what his lack of forgiveness is giving him--what role does it serve? Not being willing to forgive me will hurt me to some extent, but at some point, I will just move on with sadness that we could never get beyond this and save our M. Him being unwilling to forgive will change his life and his children's lives forever. Maybe he is OK with that, I assume he is. He has shown signs in the past of being unwilling to forgive others who have wronged him. Maybe this is just who he is. Accepting people we love are human and can make terrible mistakes is part of being a healthier person. I am not sure he wants that.

We are in MC and I am only partially happy with her. She has a very nice style and is compassionate, but I do not feel she is helping us with the praticalities of working on some of this stuff and how we can communicate effectively with each other.




I think that is where my H is at. He has discovered that there were things he did not love about our M and seems now to be focusing on those things. My hope is that we can work together to fix those things as we have a lot worth saving (we were very happy for many years--he says this too). Plus, our children deserve two people who can give their M a chance to make it. I would not be willing to save our M if I felt he was not worth fighting for. I would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but I only want to do that if we can find our way back to each other, change the things that got us here, and he can forgive (but never forget).



I try, but I am also the BS and some of these things cut to my soul. I asked him today to tell me, respectfully, to my face or in a letter, what he feels about what I have done as I feel this is a big part of what is hindering our R. If I knew at some point, he would want to move forward, it would help, but I have concerns that he never wants to forgive...ever.



This is my biggest concern. Forgiveness is a choice--the gift you give yourself. All that anger is making him miserable and those around him miserable. He seems to be choosing to live in pain/anger instead of working toward forgiveness (he buys all sorts of books, but has never bought one on forgiveness). He, of all people, should be able to understand how these things happen. I am human, I made a terrible, horrible mistake (the same mistake he made). And, I will continue to atone for it, but I will not be punished for it for the rest of my life. Though he said today there is nothing more I can do, it is all him.

BTW-If you ever have any questions as a BS, please ask. If anything can come from the pain I have caused, I would like to help others in my shoes. So, ask away.

Hey CD-

How are you holding up? What is the status of things? Have you or your WW moved out? What will happen in your relationship with your baby boy? I hope that you are doing OK.

I don't know, campdog, all I have wanted all along was a chance to save our M. He agrees we were very happy in so many ways, but it seems that now that we have hit a huge pothole, he has given up on us. I do not know how much of this is the pain of what I did, but I have never felt he has risked opening up to me and seeing where this journey might take us. Even if that means we end up apart. But, I need to know we did everything we could and I do not feel that we have even come close.

You do not just throw all that away. What we had is a great foundation to have a fresh start and great new M. At our worst, we were better than some people's best. But, he seems to want to let go of all that. All it would take is him being kinder and working with me to save it. He has said he is afraid of being hurt by me again and returning to the unhealthy patterns we had. I can understand that as I have the same fears, but I know we have no chance if I do not risk that. I have everything to gain, but I have to take that risk, or I will get none of it. It just cannot happen. So, I have chosen to risk it all to gain what could be so wonderful.

I do not want to get to a point that I am willing to give up on my M. I do not want that-- I never have. But, I cannot live with a man who never intends to forgive me forever. At some point, we have to move into some place healthier. And, I have always felt we could get there. I have so much faith in us, but I cannot do it alone.

Take care-
Imp

CD-



No, I will not accept the short end of the stick. I deserve a man who will meet me half-way, who feels what we had is worth saving, who treats me respectfully, who tries to find forgiveness, who takes responsibility for his own actions, who does not have double-standards, does not give up on us, who meets my ENs, and who wants to work with me to try to save our M.

I think you are continuing to listen to a H who is still in the FOG.

I don't think you should read so much into what he says yet...

3 to 6 months of NO CONTACT or more until the FOG LIFTS!!