Well, so maybe raising the bar doesn't work for me. I guess I'll go back to what comes easy. I won't be in love, but at least I'll be loved. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I just got dumped, on the night before 4 weeks. geez this sucks. He couldn't explain what's missing. But something's missing, even though he has a wonderful time with me, and I'm great and wonderful.

I'm gonna crawl under a rock..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

P.S. Computer probs so if I don't post again tonight I'm ok... just frustrated with the computer. Just down in the dumps.

(((((Faith))))

I'm sorry it didn't work out. It's so hard to say what his reasons are, but, honestly, I think your better off to find out now than when deeper feelings get involved.

Thinking of you,
Karona

Faith1,

Don't take it too hard. There are plenty more out there. And as Karona says, it is better now that later.

Faith1, I am very sorry to read this. Your disappointment is palpable. If I remember correctly, you met this man on line? If so, the timing seems about par.

He can't tell you what wasn't working for him. Yeah, right. Looser. Can't even man enough to be honest.

Face it, you can't raise the bar very high with online dating.

Nothing we can say will take away your feelings. I don't blame you for feeling down in the dumps. I recommend the BJIC method of therapy. Seems that a session with those therapists named Ben and Jerry is often helpful. I have personal knowledge of the benefits of their frozen chocolate medication.

Be grateful it was after 4 weeks. I've never had a man do a good job telling me why he dumped me. Not when I was 17 and not when I was 39 and not when I was 45.

Realize that it might have NOTHING to do with you. It may be his stuff and his alone.

((((Faith))),

Hope you are feeling a little better this morning. It hurts to get dumped, and like cinderella said, nothing we can say can make it better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. BTDT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.


If you are not ready to hear my thoughts on "what went wrong", you might want to skip the rest of my post. But if you feel up to it, have a look and see what you think.

You both have been shopping around for the past few weeks; you did your shopping, he did his. Then you found your prince charming:


And so you did, you "went for it". You decided to make him your choice, and cut off all the other loose ends. It wasn't hard for you to cut off all the other wanna-be's:


And you assumed that he meant to do the same, because he said he would. And now he dumped you.

My guess? My guess is that as wonderful as he is according to what you said, and given that he too was a multiple dater, he still was not as committed to becoming serious or exclusive with you as you thought he was. If he is all that great, and a multiple dater, no doubt he has lots of other great women wooing him over their way.

Not to say "told you so", but this is precisely what I fear with multiple daters - they have too many prospects they are bouncing, too many options, kids in candy store.

You happened to be ready to switch to exclusivity, because you are not a true multiple dater deep down inside. But he apparently had a few too many "maybes" floating around, and wasn't prepared to become exclusive. And perhaps to him, he didn't dump you any more than you cut off your "loose ends" - no biggie to him, just "life in the big city".

Again, I think people who multiple date too long become ripe for this mindset - so many choices, why settle? Dating becomes a way of life, because there could always be something right around the corner. I think that he was one of those people.


That's perfectly fine - it'll give you a chance to grieve, heal, and reflect. I would suggest doing that, over what you might hear from others - "go out and get right back into dating!". I wouldn't do the latter.

Like Check said, better that you found out now rather than in six months. And hopefully after the initial shock and grieving is over, you might reflect on whether multiple dating is really what you want, or if you want to date people in exclusive relationships. I don't have the answer, I just feel that you are not cut out for dealing with multiple daters.

((((Faith))))

AGG

Thank you all for your support... and your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

I will post more soon.

I've been dumped plenty of times. Mostly in my 20's and now again in my 50's it is happining again. It's part of the dating scene. People have to do what is right for them. And if it ain't right, then all the pretending in the world won't make it right. Lick your wounds, do something good for yourself and go on with life. One thing I am finding is that it is best to NOT ignore your friends when you find that someone special. Mr or Ms. Special may be gone in weeks or months, but he friends will be there for years and years.

Thanks again, everyone.

I didn't respond much Friday night, but needed time to think. He had wanted my response, and even said he was hoping for some magic words to make everything different. Through e-mail over the weekend, here's the gist of it....

He wanted to make things work, and really enjoyed being with me. He likes who I am, and couldn't identify anything he doesn't like, or anything he is missing. He tried to find that soul-level "does she *fit*?" answer of *yes* for himself and he never found it. The scary part (to me) is he is comparing it to the feeling he felt in his past 2 major relationships (his marriage and his 1 relationship since), which both failed, so I suggested that *that* feeling is not reliable, so it might be OK that it's missing, and we might think about slowing down, but continue seeing each other to determine more clearly how he really feels or sees himself in my life.

I'm pretty much OK. Just hurt and disappointed, of course, and a little confused. I know in my *head* that I have to let him decide for himself what he wants. And I know that there is someone else out there for me. I wasn't convinced he was everything. But he was pretty great.

hugs,
Faith1

Faith,

I so understand what you are saying, I have felt this too.
But, would it have been enough in the long term?

The guy I dated was worth his weight in gold. I still don't know if it was timing for me, or if something was truly missing.

What I'm trying to say is, we deserve to be sure and be true to ourselves. We don't have to settle, no one does.
I don't have all the answers, and I struggle too, but it is what I beleive in my heart.

Best wishes,
Karona

So how did you leave it...that you're gonna continue seeing each other just not exclusively?

It kinda takes the sparkle off doesn't it?

At 4 weeks, why does he have to be so *sure* of everything? It seems to me that some of that will fall into place eventually. Whats the rush?

nooooo.... we left it at he doesn't want to see me anymore. (yes, even though he seemed confused and unsure). He may change his mind after thinking about it and exchanging e-mails over the weekend. But I'm not hanging on to that hope at all.

I agree in wondering what the rush is. The only possibility I can think of is that we may have rushed things. We liked each other so much that we may have spent too much time together... and perhaps "too much too fast" either scared him... or just didn't feel right.... or put his heart and conscience in jet-lag and some sort of turmoil... feeling like they HAD to catch up and couldn't...

Again... to me... doesn't seem like a "give up and run" problem, but a "slow down and re-evaluate" situation.

I'm either missing something. Or it just wasn't there for him and he's not explaining it, or is too chicken to explain it, for fear of hurting me. That was a big thing Friday night during the dumping, was his HUGE fear of hurting me.

Faith,

About a year and a half ago, after a few months of multiple dating, I came across someone totally amazing, head and shoulders above the rest. It's as if someone took the best features of all my previous dates, and combined them into one perfect woman - beautiful, smart, similar backround and values to me, very into relationships, great mom, etc etc. I was smitten. I was thanking my lucky stars for waiting around and not settling; this godess was my "reward".

We started dating, and within 4 weeks it looked pretty serious. We were seeing each other a lot, talking on the phone every night, and she was using phrases that clearly implied that she saw a future for us.

After the fifth week, something happened. She got weird. I saw that something was up, and to make a long story short, she was "confused". No, she didn't want to break up, but she wanted to figure things out. No, there was no one else (right <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), I was the most amazing guy she has ever met, but she needed to go slow.

She "broke up" with me while saying that she knew we were destined to be together, she just needed time.

She actually did come back a month later, and we "tried" again, but to no avail.

Looking back at things months later, I figured that she was a pro. She was the professional dater, who always knew how to say all the right things and to make me feel like I was her dream come true. But she was full of crap.

What really angered me was that she never had the guts to be done with me. She constantly kept me hanging, so it was finally up to me to cut her off like the bad wart that she was.

My point is that when I read your post, I see a lot of the same thing in your man - he is so worried about hurting you, he just wants to slow down, he is confused. You know what I think, of course - he is totally playing you and trying to keep his options open.

If it were me, I would not let him do this. You will end up hurting much more in the long run, because he will keep giving you false hope (words are very cheap), while playing whatever game he is playing. And in the end, you will be hurt much more.

Just my $0.02, but I think it's time to run for the hills from this bozo and never lok back. You are too good for that crap.

AGG

Faith,

I don't know the exact particulars of everything, but if I were to guess, the "too much too soon" line of thinking might be accurate.

Perhaps because this is something I am working on myself right now and thus may color my opinion, I wonder if you presented enough of a challenge to him? There is something to be said about not being too available particularly early in the relationship.

Don't give up raising the bar. You deserve it. Just understand that sometimes it is hard to break old patterns and habits, but it can be done.

AGG,
Thank you so much for your story! I'll keep that in mind, although I really doubt I'll be hearing from him again... or at least I really don't think he'll be back.

TBG,
Thank you too. And you're right. Moving too fast - both of us in different ways - including being too available.

I won't give up... just seems frustrating that the ones I want don't want me... and the ones that DO want me aren't good for me.

Ha! Hey... that sounds familiar. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Ever wonder why your keys are always in the last place you look?

It's because once you find them, you stop looking.

Believe me, he's out there. Don't stop looking.

(((Faith)))

I know it doesn't feel this way right now, but he didn't dump you.....he freed you. He freed you to not be involved with the wrong man when the right one comes along!

You gave this relationship a go, with all you had, not holding back. That is something to defineatly be proud of! You are on the right track...this is just a bump in the road. Once your emotions aren't so raw, you'll see this....You are going to be just fine, honey.....just fine!

Thanks ceecee. That's a good way of looking at it!!! I am feeling MUCH better today. Not all the way... but getting there!