I am really down today - just part of the roller coaster I guess. I miss my x so much sometimes... other times I am so angry with her, then I think I love her, then hate her, etc...

I know she still cares about me. She has given me some small gifts lately which seemed strange but that may be just out of guilt.

I hate it when I want her back after all she has done to me. The lying, cheating, sneaking around, blaming me for what she is doing.... The thing that really, really makes me so angry is that she doesn't believe in EA's. She says an affair has to be physical to be an affair!!!

Everyone that knows us tells me she will come back to me (again) someday. Will she? I want her to but why would I want her to?

BHINWI~~

Your title caught my attention so I read your post.

I have no story to share, but wanted to say I really feel for you.

I went through a period of time where I wanted my h to come back to me, but he eventually had proven himself enough that I felt I was better than what he was doing to me.

I feel for you that you still love her so much, and desire her back.
I think that reconciliation is possible for couples, and I have heard of couples getting remarried after divorce.
But, I do wonder for you, could you be able to forgive/ forget/move on from her poor choices in the past?

There was a time for me, when I was sure that if mine would just come back, that I could put all of it behind me.
Now, 2.5 years later, I'm very sure I could not have trusted him again and I know now, that I'm better off on my own.

Prayer is powerful, but I would also hope that your are talking to someone to help you through this process.

Thinking of you,
Karona

I to am in the same situation. I love my stbxw and miss her and have the times i am angry at her. She to has lied and snuck around. Same thing here to everyone tells me she dosent know what she wants and she will come back.I will believe it when i see it.I just dont know why when i ask her about her seeing some one she tells me no and none of her family will tell me just her brother and binlaw told me they think she might be seeing someone. And if she is why hide it from most her family me and my son? If you are done with me then what dose it matter if my son mets him? We are now in the no contact phaze. I am one that dose not believe in divorce only if someones life or health is on the line then its ok. I know her parents dont believe in divorce either.Just dont know why she will hid the bf and lie about him and has done nothing for the divorce since she told me she wanted on 10 months ago

Karona,

Thanks you for the kind words. It is funny how just a simple note can life one's spirits enough to maybe get through another day. So thank you...

I just dropped my daughter and son off at my "X's" and I sobbed all the way home. It is going on a year and it still breaks my heart to be seperated from the kids and her. I now get to spend 5 days without the kids. It is a lonliness that I cannot put into words.

No, I don't think I could trust her again. This has happened way too many times and I have tried everything to work on the relationship to figure out why she does this. But I just miss her so much at times. I would give anything to wake up to the smell of her hair on the pillow next to me.

As for someone to talk to... Well, I have the best friends, neighbors and family in the world. When she left, everyone was flabbergasted as they thought we were the perfect couple. However, they all came to me and had no time for her. My "X" is furious that nobody came to her during any of this. One week this summer, I was invited to dinner 6 out of the 7 nights by my friends. Many times I have to turn them down as I have so many offers! Tonight I am going out with 3 married couples that have been our (while now my) friends most of my life. I also have a wonderful, wonderful therapist to talk to. And of course, I have MB.

I tried some dating and I don't know how to feel aboout that yet either. I really sometimes feel like I am in this big hole and I crawl out to see a glimmer of sunlight and then fall right back in it.

Today I am doing what I like best - cycling. I will be on my road bike most of the day. It is great therapy.

Have a good day Karona. Thanks for the help.

Keith

BHINWI, what you are going through is exactly what you should be going through right now. You are experiencing what I call the "reconciliation fantasy." You are running these scenarios through your mind where she calls you in tears, begging for forgiveness, asking you to take her back...... I went through this. All abandoned spouses do. It's normal. but you have to keep telling yourself that it isn't ever going to happen.

I have know two couples who reconciled after divorce. In both cases, the reconciliation happened after they'd been divorced for several years. And both couples said the same thing: we realized that our marriage wasn't as broken as we thought and found that the grass wasn't greener over there. We got a bit older and wiser and came to understand that most of the "problems" we had were actually trivial.

So reconciliation after divorce is possible, but it is extremely rare. One reason for this is explained by female psychology. How many times have you read here, or heard it said elsewhere, women stating "I cannot go back; I can only go forward." I know this sounds trite, but it is true for them. They really mean it. So even if they come to understand that their divorce was a mistake, they will not look back. They chaulk it up to experience and move on.

You want her to come back now, but as time passes, this desire will dwindle. In the months following my wife's leaving, all she needed do was pick up the phone and ask if she could come home. I would have had a moving van there the next morning. But not anymore. Were she to do this now, I would tell her no. You see, I have moved on. You will too. It's only a matter of time.

Does this mean that men are more likely to return to marriages they had previously abandoned?

Alph.

Keith,

I'm proud of you! I hope you enjoy your ride and are able to release some of the sad/troubling feelings.

I started running after my divorce [to which I hurt my ankle and never started back up, but walk now]and it helps so much. I use that time to "think". Sometimes I smile, sometimes I have had a tear fall down my cheek, but it's all good! It's healing and healthy.

I have mentioned to you before, and I will again. I know the hard time you are speaking of when you don't have your children. I have felt that too. It's so lonely, and quiet.
Believe it or not, [and I consider myself a loving and good mom] I have come to like my time now when my girls spend time with their father. I about never go quite 5 days, unless its vacation, but 2 or 3 is nice.

Time does help, and I'm happy for you that you have the network of family and friends that you do, you are very lucky!

You WILL crawl out of the hole. I know what that is like too. It's a dark lonely place. I won't tell you that I never get that feeling from time to time, because I do, but it does get better.

Dating is hard for me also, although I very green in the whole process.

I also am very thankful for the MB boards! The people here have brought me through some of my darkest times.

Take care of yourself, and I hope you ride was mind cleansing!

Karona

Yes, MINE!

You can read allllll about my (almost) 4-year saga by looking up my member #, I suspect.

However, to get the "Reader's Digest" version, just read my sig line.

These things take time, though, so even tho I DO believe in "Re-marriage after divorce" - I am also cautious enough to know it takes T-I-M-E.

God Bless,

Keith,
xH and I have been divorced for 1 yr 4 months now ... we were married for 7 yrs ... and have a soon-to-be 2 yrs old daughter ...
I have never felt that we are divorced ... he lived with OW for 6 months (but visiting us almost every day) ... and he's been living by himself since September last year ... we started dating on January ... with a setback about a month ago ... he has an OC with OW ...

It does requiere a lot of work ... it is good to hear that you have a good counselor ... I did too ... for the two of you to work together as a couple again, she would have to go through a lot of things and changes in her life ... like recognizing that an EA is still an A <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ...
Do you know if she is in IC? or planning to?
xH didn't start to make changes until he recognized that he needed help from someone else ... he went to IC ... it wasn't until then that he made changes for himself in his life ... and still with that, we had a setback ...

I know that we would never be the same again ... not apart, not together ... we are different persons now ... and as that we have to get to know each other ...
For me, trust will always be an isuue and I know that I would never trust him again 100% ... hey ... not even 90 or 80% ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Think about this ... do you really want to be with your xW again? is this the 'let's re-marry fantasy'? You would need to do a lot of soul-searching to deal with the anger and resentment about the X ... and even when you try to restart from scratch, that it is not possible ... you have a history together and children together ... and then there is the triggers ... one comment, one place, one word that take you back to all the pain ... how would you deal with that?

I love xH ... with all my heart ... and I want us to be a together again as a couple ... and I want to marry him again ... but not today ... not in a couple of months ... not even in a couple of years ... it takes time to rebuild especially after A(s), and after divorce ... it is hard work ...

my wife told me before just because we might get divorced dosent mean we cant or wont be together again wtf is that?Its been 10 months since i was told divorce and nothing yet. She hides her ea from me and my son and pretends there is no one. any one know why she is doing this? Pretending to not be seeing someone never has him over her apt and denies him to me and some of her family.

Mily,

I have a wonderful counselor...

My X was going to a counselor but absolutely refused to let me go with her. I still pay her insurance and I do not see any record on our on-line statements that she is still going. I have no idea why she would not let me go but I could not force the issue. She went to my counselor 2 times but was so incredibly angry that it went nowhere.

She thinks she may have been molested by her father when she was a little girl and possibly molested by a neighbor boy. I always, always told her it changed nothing about who she was, or how I felt about her and that it was not her fault. But I always wondered if that is why she falls for men hard and fast? That makes me so incredibly sad... A child is hurt and carries that pain for the rest of their lives.

I forgave her in 1995 (EA #1) and I listened to all of her emotional needs at the time. I forgave her in 2000 also but I was very angry because I made every type of change she asked for. In 2004 I was absolutely floored and could not believe it was happening again. I was an excellent husband and she was an excellent wife. She told me she loved me all the time, and how lucky she was to have me. Then away she goes again.

Yes, I still want her, and love her. I honestly think there is a problem with me for loving someone that has hurt me so bad 3 times.

Good luck to you... Keep us posted and you are in my prayers.

Keith

PS. On the EA thing... she claims there is no such thing as an EA. She always says they are just special friends. Funny how I never know them but they always show up during maritial problems.

Boy do I hope there is reconciliation and soon. Hopefully it will be before, but it's hard to tell. I'm new to this site and was hoping to find something here to keep me going.

BHINWI,
It's great that your have a counselor. Mine is great and I can gage my recovery through my visits. I don't have kids as in your case, so I'm sure it's much easier for me to move on with my life since I have no ties to her. You have to really look deep inside and rationalize what is going on. What does the little man say? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
You reach a point where you know what is best for you. I came to the conclusion that I could work on getting my wife back or my life back. I chose the latter.