My wife and I have been married for about 2.5 years. About 6 months ago, she was acting very depressed. After a LOT of talking, she told me she was raped by one of my friends before we were married. She was afraid to tell me, and thought I would leave her because of it. She had kept it hidden inside until the guy that raped her showed up at her work and it freaked her out (She worked at a bank, and it was purely chance that he showed up there). She freaked out at work when she saw him, and one of her friends(a guy) went to see what was wrong. This guy friend is a minister and she trusted him and told him everything that happened and why she was upset. She was horribly depressed after that and felt guilty telling him about what had happened before telling me. So, six months ago (march) she finally tells me about being raped and how she thinks she is a horrible person for not telling me before we got maried. I say that she has nothing to worry about, that I love her, and everything is going to be ok. She doesn't respond much to that and is still depressed. She keeps talking to this minister guy and we have a hard few months because we both are depressed and it was hard to be happy. In about april, our cat died when she was giving birth, and then my wife lost her job at the bank a week later. It was a VERY rough time. She stayed at home for about 4 months and things got a lot better. She was still emailing the minister guy from the old work during the day, but I thought it was making her feel better. I got suspisous and installed a logger on the computer and read some of their emails. they seemed ok, just like friends talking. One day I had to stay late after work for a work related party (we finished our flagship product). She didn't want to stay home alone, so she said she was going to go out with one of our friends from school. I got home before she did and read some of the logged emails. It turns out she went out with the guy from work. She lied. I was very upset and confronted her when she got home about her lie. She said she was afriad I would be jealous and that he is one of her only other friends and she just went out to eat. I was upset about her lying to me and after awhile things settled down again. About a month ago I saw she was talking to him again and it seemed very sexual. I said she need to make a choice between me and him, and I told her friends dont talk to each other that way. She hasn't talked to him since, but I have felt that something was wrong. I asked her last night what had happened between them, and she said that nothing had happened (as usual). I told her that her eyes were lying. I asked her over and over, louder and louder "What did you do?"

She finally confessed last night that they had sex once in march or april. I dont know what to do, or even how I feel. My gut tells me she was depressed after she finally told people after 2 years of holding it in that she was raped. I want to forgive her and try to make things work, but I don't know if I can. I have always told myself and other people "Once a cheater, always a cheater" but I think this situation might be different. I can use any guidance or advice you have. I am so confused and angry. I dont want to give up, but how can I believe this wont happen again?

Hippo,

I don't know what your relationship is with your W, but the fact that she stated to you that she was afraid to tell you about the rape and this minister 'friend' of hers, makes me suspect that you may, inadvertently, have engaged in LB [love busters] which may have helped to contribute to a marital environment where she did not feel safe to approach you with her deepest thoughts and feelings. Mind you that this in no way excuses her behavior [lies] and betrayal [affair] and while both of you are equally responsible for the state of the marriage, she is solely responsible for her foolish choices. What can you do? Stop ALL LBs immediately for they are the leaks that may be emptying your W's love bank. What are the LBs?:

1. Angry Outbursts: Who wants to live with a time bomb?
2. Selfish demands: Who wants to live with a dictator?
3. Disrespectful judgements: Who wants to live with a critic?
4. Dishonesty: Who wants to live with a liar?
5. Independent behavior: Who wants to live with an incosiderate jerk?
6. Annoying habits: Who wants to live with a leaky faucet?

I highly advice you to buy Dr Willard Harley's books 'Love Busters', 'His Needs, Her Needs', and 'Surviving An Affair' and read them ASAP. Leave the books where your W can see them and can get a chance to read them herself, but DO NOT force her to do so [let her curiosity get the best of her]. Also print out two copies of the EN [emotional needs] and LB [love busters] questionaires found on the following links: The ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) and The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire) .

For what it's worth, the majority of wives who have had and affair have said that the sex with the OM [other man] was NOT the driving factor of the affair. They have stated that the driving factor was how the OM made them feel about themselves and that the reason why they gave in to sex was to avoid losing the source that made them feel good. Many have stated that they regret the sex with the OM and that they would have preferred if the affair had been kept solely on an emotional level. I know it may be piss poor comfort for you to read this but the affair had NOTHING to do with you and had everything to do with her.

I caution you against letting your emotions dictate any life changing decisions so soon after d-day [discovery day] because they often tend to come back to haunt us later on. There is no rush for you to run to an attorney and start divorce proceedings for even if you do it won't end the pain and anger that is a normal part of a BS [betrayed spouse] after the affair is known. Remember that you can still choose to divorce you W later on if the situation hasn't improved after your implementation of Dr Harley's Plan A/Plan B which you can read from this link: What Are Plan A And Plan B?. The point is that even if divorce is the final outcome, you'll be in a much better position to move on with your life if the love you have for you W is gone.

You are not alone.

TMCM

I am very sorry for you. What I found so troubling aside from the affair and that she was willing to break her vows and put your health at risk; is the fact that she continually withholds information from you and continually lied to you when you ask her questions. I do not wish to be harsh but she sounds like a deceitful person who withholds information that is critical to you, engages in emotional relationship with other man while married to you and disregards your feelings, and willingly breaks her marriage vows. Counseling is a must if you decide to stay. The problem I see is that she seems not to have a problem lying and deceiving you. Why would you wish to be in a marriage with someone like this? I don't see how you could ever feel comfortable in relationship with someone like this and you would eventually become paranoid living in this type of situation. Am I wrong?

Read, read, then read some more. I doubt they had sex only once. He was filling her emotional needs, you weren't, period, end of statement.

He is/was a trusted person - minister.

Read, read, then read some more.

Read Plan A - it is on this site.

Then read some more.

The point is that first person who has to get in control of themselves is YOU! If you want to save this marriage, then you have to change YOU! Sure she did something terrible to you - BUT SHE IS IN A FOG - and it is your job to hoist them up and first find the strength to change yourself and then the strength to HELP HER!

One of the contributing factors to my own FWW's affair was a rape during her teenage years by a CLOSE RELATIVE. I won't go into the rest of the details - but that made her vulnerable to an approach by a CLOSE RELATIVE - who she had an affair with during an ebb in our marital relations. He was a TRUSTED PERSON.

Apparently you aren't because of how you have acted in the past.

If you want a marriage with her - one can be salvaged and I would bet at a level you never dreamed of before since you are a guy and mad, glad, sad describes your emotional range.

Learn that a marriage NOT a guarantee of happiness, it is a life journey that you tend and grow roses or grow weeds.

Yea, you were betrayed. BFD. Bury that for a while so you can do what you gotta do to save her and save yourself. Read, read, read - then practice what you learn.

This so-called minister is easy. He is vulnerable. He is a jerk of the first water. He took advantage of your wife, period. BUT, she was vulnerable because how YOU have conducted the marriage - and yes how she did as well.

Neither of you knew how to tend a marriage.

This is a wake up call for you. You can hoist up a pair and do the right thing or you can let it all go down the toilet. Yes, I know what she did - again - it is cruel for you to bear the burden, but pal, as I live in breath, that is the way of life and you either do it or divorce, those are your choices.

This is what I would say in the most loving tone I could manage.

1. I love you with all my heart.
2. No matter what you say, I see this person you are having an affair with as evil. He is a minister betraying his vows to the Church and he is committing adultery with someon he is supposed to help - not sin with.
3. We didn't know how to have marriage - which is a life journey, not a guarantee of happiness.
4. If you want to have a marriage with me, I promise to be the best husband and life partner than any man could ever be, but that is your choice to make, just like it was your choice to have an affair with that so-called minister.
5. I love you with all my heart. I am here for you during this time of trouble.
6. What can I do to help you?

And the plan has to be that she goes NC, period, forever.

And the plan has to contain the simple fact that you will expose the affair - especially his part - to anyone who matters solely for the fact that affairs seldom survive the light of day. An affair exposed to the light of day usually melts into the garbage it is - especially if one of the parties is a TRUSTED PERSON who took advantage of someone who was vulnerable.

I could say more, but won't. YOu have a ton of stuff to get straight in your mind. All of us are here for you when you need us.