As some of you have read...last night my WH (D -day was 3 weeks ago)took me out for a date last night...which went well
and we didn't talk about the R all night.The only thing that
has been eating away at me for the last week is that my WH
announced that tonight (Sat) he was going out with his Cousin(the one who knew all about the A). My WH went to work
today(which he has been doing for months....but now I wonder
if it is really work or not) I called him a couple of times
and the second time the only other worker their- a guy said
hi in the background. Then WH called me on the work line so
I could really know where he was....this really seems to piss him off - as in the past he has had much much freedom.
He was suppose to get off at noon (which he never is off
or home when he says he will be) but it got around 5 pm. and
I had been laying around thinking all day. I got in the mail
today a brochure from the Pastor at my church to read about
when your spouse is not faithful. It talked about how the WS shouldn't blame thier A on anything that you did...it also talked about how God sees this as the only reason for
divorce if necessary. Anyway it really got my noggin thinking. We have 3 teenagers and I am so stressed I have been taking it out on them and giving into their demands
as I don't have the energy to deal with another problem. My
WH does not understand. I told him that I found out about his A just 3 weeks ago and haven't been able to talk to one
other person. It doesn't help when his mom told me today that she hasn't seen him for months and something has changed with him or my co-workers who know that I am going
thru something and I tell them that I am o.k.... Anyway I
left the booklet and Surviving an Affair book on the bed
and when I was at the store he came home and called me (where was I ?) anyway I said read the stuff on the bed....
I ran into him when he was on his way to meet his cousin
and he said out the window " You have issues" I said "did you read the stuff on the bed ?" he said "where is the book on what you did to me ?" (finances I screwed up) I said
"obviously you didn't read the book" thinking that he can't
blame my mistake for his A - also I had bookmarked the part
about accounting for your time.....hint hint .....He called
me a few minutes later and said that I had one more chance and then he was going to leave me ! I am sooooo pissed.

Chat

Me 39
Him 42
Kids 17,15,11
OW 30
D-day 3 weeks ago

One more chance, and then he is going to leave YOU? What is this guy thinking?

He really still must be in the FOG !

Really. I suggest you stick to your boundaries. Don't sweep all of this under the rug and pretend it didn't happen.

Yes, I can understand you are so pissed, so what are you gonna do about it all. There is NO DOUBT in my mind that your WH sees himself as "giving" you the chance and not vice versa. So what is your "Plan" for when he comes home tonight AFTER he is UNDOUBTEDLY being unfaithful again.

Men who are serious about reconsiliation and recovery DO NOT act like your WH, so you can 100% assume that he is seeing and cheating on you tonight.

I do not have marriage "strategy" advice, but I do emphatically IMPLORE you to NOT have Sf with this man at all. The risks are too big.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

Lem.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So believer...........what does "sticking to your boundaries" mean?

Chat:

The fog will not clear until he has been in NO CONTACT with the OW for 3 to 6 months.

My H and I have been in Recovery for over 2 years and I still see glimpses of THE FOG. He goes way out of his way daily in order to go no where near where she lives or works.

An Affair is a difficult Addiction to overcome. It can not be easily resolved by having your WH read Surviving an Affair. While in the midst of his A, my FWH said repeatedly that Surviving an Affair does not apply to him..

I recommend that if you want to use the MB System that you begin to work on and stick to PLAN A. I think he is following the standard Wayward Spouse script.

He probably was with the OW today. Also, I think you need to sit quiet and catch him in order to expose your knowledge of his continued contact.

Demanding that he stop the A and acknowledge his continuation of it WILL NOT WORK....if you are wanting to RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE...

SORRY...

This is categorically correct. Now is the time to meet your WH's needs, show him admiration, may him feel good. The good people here will probably counsel you to apologize to him for your actions (I suspect you will do this in the am as he will probably be "out late" tonight) on the Lovebuster earlier.

Goodluck.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

chat ~ it is always a lovebuster to educate your spouse.

Leaving stuff out on the bed is manipulative and dishonest. It is most definitely a lovebuster you can and should control.

You can't change your husband.

You can change you.

I'm not sure what you thought you were going to accomplish by leaving out a brochure preaching that a WS should not blame the BS for his affair.

You get to be right, or you get to be married.

You don't get to be both.

So you can waste alot of time trying to prove to him how bad he is and how not-wrong you are....and I can promise you that the outcome will not be a recovered marriage.

Hey that's the quote that I was talking about the other day. It always makes me chuckle inside (inside joke with myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />).

Okat, T/J over.

Lem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

IMO, saying that leaving stuff out on the bed is manipulative and dishonest is too harsh. There is no reason for you to have to hide the fact that you are learning more about affairs. HOWEVER, expecting him to read and benefit from it is a tactical error, as your WH's logic neurons are not firing. If it were me, I would simply move the book and pamphlet to a different location and say no more about them. Don't be drawn into an argument.

Also, for me personally my creed was, "I know I'm right, but I don't necessarily have to say so." I am far from an expert, but I am still married.

Interesting take on that Neak....I happen to agree with you. Nicely said.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Neak ~

Your creed is a fine one, and the same thing that I used also.

That's the point.

It is a futile and disrespectful exercise to win the "who's right" argument in a marriage.

I believe infidelitly is wrong. I believe I'm right about that belief.

So what? Trying to force my spouse to bow to my superior intellect and wisdom in that belief will result in a ticked off spouse.

I've never scored points in my marriage by winning the "right" battle.

Leaving education materials lying around for your spouse to see, so to make your case for "right" is a lovebuster.

One of the lessons I had to learn in my marriage was that playing games was manipulative and dishonest. I too tried to win points and get control of my situation by educating my spouse. I had to learn to ask for what I needed, to state what I thought without love busting and to respect others rights to do the same.

Playing games like that is dishonest. Its a lovebuster. Not sure what is so harsh about the truth?

I do not have any sense that Chat was trying to play games or win points, but rather was unwittingly engaging in a futile exercise. Making a mistake is, to me, much different than dishonesty. Now back on topic...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Neak !

O.K. after reading the earlier posts I really got mad about WH out without
me...so I preformed another love buster.....I got in my car after he was at the
bar for a couple of hours and walked in...he was playing poker and he was
livid that I showed up to “check up”on him. He told me that he will continue
to go out without me and that he would never call me during the day,ect
again- because I always had thoughts he was somewhere else...I said boy you
must feel guilty about what you are doing...I am your wife and I should be
able to show up anywhere you are- you can for me. I continued to stick around
while he played pool and guess who shows up ? The OW and her friend. They
stayed at the other end of the bar...and when my husband said “do you want to
follow me to the restroom ?” I said, no I will just watch....when he walked past
the OW she left outside shortly as did her friend and didn’t come back. My WH
had told his cousin (the one who knew all about the A ) that we would be doing
some midnight bowling. We had to go home for the bowling ball and I heard
my WH tell his cousin on the cell phone that I would be him “driver”. We
didn’t talk or touch for the next 5 hours. He said on the way home that I was
looking over my shoulder every 5 minutes (that made him made) The bar where
he plays poker and the bowling alley were “their” hangouts. He said that we
are going to run into each other....He said don’t give me the silent treatment
and opened the car door while driving to make me talk. I told him I had been
thinking all night and I was setting him Free- that when you love something you
set it Free. He said he didn’t want to be free. I said you want to live a single mans
life and have no consideration for my emotions.We got home and I put on a
pair of flannels (I never do this) and he made me sleep in the same bed and he
physically held me down the rest of the night (this is very unusual for him as he
is not a physical guy) In the morning he said Wake up and drive me to work and
to my baseball game so you know where I am. I said no you are an adult and I
have cut the chains so you can do what you wish. He said I have loved you for
20 years and the last year has been ******. I also have loved you more this last 2
weeks. If you choose to leave before I get home today then goodbye (he said it nice)
or if you are still here we will talk......He should be home shortly and I want to
keep my boundaries ,HELLO its only been 3 weeks...oh yeah and he said where
did the doubt come from last night- I said you put it there this summer........duh

Chat

Hopefully a guru or two will find the time to drop in before your husband gets home, but just a couple of quick thoughts.

1) You must still think and act as if your husband is involved actively in an affair, because he is. Last night should have shown you that if you had any doubts left. As such, the MB recommendation would be for you to be in Plan A at this point.

2) It was not entirely clear if your WH held you down against your will or simply slept very close to you. If he was applying force, that is a very dangerous situation you want no part of.

3) If you decide to Plan A, you don't want to bring up a lot of R talk. If he does want to talk to you about that tonight, perhaps you could briefly and calmly explain that it hurts you very much EVERY TIME he sees or speaks to the OW, and that you will NEVER heal and your marriage will NEVER recover at all while he has any contact whatsoever with the OW. (Once Plan B begins, there is no negotiation. If he wants you back at that point, he complies fully with your requirements or he doesn't get to even speak with you.)

4) Gather your intelligence quietly, without letting him know what you are doing. The more information you possess, the better.

5) If the point comes where you reach true recovery, he will be singing a far different song than the one you are hearing now. He will go out of his way to show you how reliable and truthful he is being, and will avoid all places he is likely to run into OW, even if only by accident (which last night was not). He will not mind if you check up on him, or look through his stuff, or read his emails, or look at his call list. (Of course do not tell him this. Just trust you will know the difference when you see it.)

It sounds like he's very attatched to you, which will make your job easier. Keep checking back, and I'm sure you will get some expert guidance.

Thanks Neak !

Chat

Best wishes and prayers tonight, Chat.

Update:
WH came home around 2 pm just in time for the football game on TV,
Followed by a marathon of Sci-Fi shows….he layed on the couch
Until 10 pm and didn’t talk to me – other then came into the bathroom
During one of the commercials while I was taking a bath and said
“What are you doing ?” I am taking a bath to help me relax. He said
“I guess your mind is relaxed too.” I said no my mind is going 24/7.
Which it is, everything I do, see, touch etc..I think of the OW and
Did she do this for him….
When it was 10 pm and time for bed, he said come to bed, I said I wasn’t
Ready …he got up to come get me and I said if you touch me I will go
To the women’s shelter..he didn’t touch me at that point. I told him that
HE needed to decide if he wanted to be married man committed to his
Wife and children or a single guy free to go out on the town. He
Said he didn’t know…as he has been able to go out on the town for 21
Years. He also said that he could be friends with the OW and insisted
That they weren’t together. I told him that he still wanted her and she
Broke it off with him and I wouldn’t know if she was having second
Thoughts or could change her mind in the future. He insisted that he
Still loves me and wouldn’t leave for a couple of days. I told him that
I would be sleeping in the other room and wanted no contact while he
Made his decision. I told him that I could tell his parents or he or both
Could let them know. I also told him that we would have to tell the
Kids. He asked if he could cuddle with me for comfort that night and
I let him….but this morning I said no more until you make up your
Mind. Before leaving the house this morning, he said maybe we could
Meet at the gym to workout tonight….I said I don’t think so…and he
Was obviously hurt. He said he would call me during the day, in which
He did a little while ago to see how my day was going. I am thinking
That he shouldn’t be talking to me either during his decision time. I do
Think he wants me but he also wants to roam. He himself said that while
He was doing the OW he still came home to me (so he was getting a
Double whammy) I will not be apart of a love triangle. I am being strong
And holding my ground…….


Chat