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Joined: Aug 2005
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I was hoping that we could all list the self help books that have helped to heal ourselves and our marriages. I thought it would be fun to share some of the passages or ideas that made an impression on us.
I have bought about 12 books since my marriage hit the rocks in June.
Anyone want to start?????


In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.

Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
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Since it seems like I'm always pushing the same books on everyone, I'll start! I cannot possibly just name one, and list these in the order that we used them...

The Bible! Pick your version. (Started with the book of James, also recommend Psalms, Job, and the entire new testament!)

"Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman

"When the One You Love Wants to Leave" by Donald Harvey (not Harley... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

"Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson

"After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms

"Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley
"LoveBusters" by Willard Harley
"His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley

"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

and last but not least,... throughout the ordeal as been the guidebook on WHY must we suffer like this:

"Streams in the Desert" - 366 Daily Devotions compiled by L. B. Cowman


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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Great List NTL,
I have bought and read Lovebusters, His Needs, Her Needs, the proper care and feeding of husbands, and I have ordered and will pick up the book Love Must be Tough along with three other books that I can't remember the titles to.

I loved LoveBusters and His Needs, Her Needs and have also ordered Surviving an Affair.
I have not read so much in years, and what is funny, I can almost read a whole book in a day.


In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.

Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr Laura, and the Marriage Builders forum completely changed my attitude about marriage, and thusly changed my marriage. I learned how to meet my H's needs and treat him with love and respect from those books. I honestly never knew how wonderful marriage could be as a result.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody, I was noticing after looking at some of PureBob's old postings that you have been advising longer than Bob. Sounds like you have pulled quite a few new B/S's boots up. Who else have you given advice to thats marriages have recovered?


In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.

Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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kds, I have posted to quite a few people here, however, I would never take credit for someone's recovery, BECAUSE, if you look at these threads, many different people post to the newcomers. It is a concerted effort with many different people bringing different things to the table. And I mean that sincerely.

If you read Bob's thread, you can see that a whole host of people posted to him, each bringing something essentially different. You will see the same thing consistently in these threads.

Additionally, sometimes the definition of success in a given situation is not marital recovery, but divorce. Some marriages just do not make it and should not make it. For example, some of our most experienced and wise posters are divorced. But they really are successes even though their marriage didn't make it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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i've read these...

Quote
"Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman

"When the One You Love Wants to Leave" by Donald Harvey (not Harley... )

"Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson


"Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley
"LoveBusters" by Willard Harley
"His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley


and...

"Give and Take" by Harley

"How to save your marriage alone" by Ed Wheat

"When a mate wants out" by Jim and Sally Conway

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kdsheartbreak - If you narrow it down to the ONE book, as you thread title request, then for me the one book that stands above all the others is the HOLY BIBLE.

The one passage that is my "favorite" for this often difficult task of recovering a marriage post infidelity is Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through him who gives me strength." But there are many more "favorite" passages also, especially those that speak to forgiveness and love.


God bless.

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I love that passage foreverhers. I used that one quite frequently when I was taking speech at college. I would say that in prayer before my speech presentation. That and "All things are possible through Jesus Christ, our lord."


In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.

Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 474
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How about some books you have read about self discovery. I think relationship books are good, but also self-help books seems to be needed for most of us BS...so any one read any good ones lately??


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Oh ooh ooh, also "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

I did check out a lot of books on self-development, but you know what? I found that these relationship books WERE self-development! I learned a TON about myself, my needs, my boundaries, and self-respect reading these books.

Malachi 2:13-16
Here is another thing you do: You cover the LORD's alter with tears, weeping and groaning because he no longer pays attention to your offerings, and he doesn't accept them with pleasure. You cry out, "Why has the LORD abandoned us?" I'll tell you why! Because the LORD witnessed the vows you and your wife made to each other on your wedding day when you were young. But you have been disloyal to her, though she remained your faithful companion, the wife of your marriage vows. Didn't the LORD make you one with you wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard yourself; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. "For I hate divorce!" says the LORD, the God of Israel. "It is as cruel as putting on a victim's bloodstained coat," says the LORD Almighty. "So guard yourself; always remain loyal to your wife."

James 1:2-8
Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. If you need wisdom - if you want to know what God wants you to do - ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect an answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.

And James 2:12-17 (sorry for the length, but this is one good book!!!)
God blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. And remember, no one who wants to do wrong should ever say, "God is tempting me." God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else either. Temptation comes from the lure of our own evil desires. These evil desires lead to evil actions, and evil actions lead to death. So don't be misled, my dear brothers and sisters. Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven's lights. Unlike them, he never changes or casts shifting shadows.

and one more James 3:13
"If you are wise and understand God's ways, live a life of steady goodness so that only good deeds will pour forth."

And I just CANNOT leave this most important one:
James 6:16b
"The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results."

I love that one!


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
Joined: Aug 2005
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I just finished love has to be tough.
Excellent book, I love that the point of the book is that the b/s naturaly wants to appease the w/s with anything that will keep them, or at least they think will keep them. The B/S has to go against what they would think is the normal way to get back a spouse. The crying, moping, sadness and desperation does nothing but make the w/s feel pity and trapped in a marriage with a spouse that they don't respect. In order to get the w/s attention and respect, they have to set boundries, and be prepared to enforce them, along accepting the consequences of the boundries.
I loved the book. This weekend I am going to have a talk with w/s about my boundries. The counselor warned me to make sure I didn't grant forgiveness without explaining to my husband what my personal boundries were. He said if you let the w/s off to easily, they will think there are no consequences for their betrayal and there might be a next time because of lack of consequences.


In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.

Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 249
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For me reading Your best life now by Joel Osteen...completley has changed my outlook on life the past two days. Wonderful book for anyone who has been in their own little pity party like I have been. Talk about a wake up call. There were points where I thought my heart was pounding so hard it was going to explode out of my chest.


If you love something, set it free. If it comes back its yours. If it doesn't, it never was. You can't make sense of insanity...definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Lisa
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Hey, Sexsadie,
I have been having pity parties for the past two months. I guess they are counterproductive, but they are nice to have every once in awhile.


In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.

Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 249
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They are okay every now and then...but mine was starting to get the best of me. I needed something to snap me out of it. This was just what the Doctor ordered.


If you love something, set it free. If it comes back its yours. If it doesn't, it never was. You can't make sense of insanity...definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Lisa

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