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I recommend you let him know that one of the points you have learned comes from a very wise and guided person:
[color:"blue"]'Love is long-suffering and king. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for it's own interest, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteouness, but rejoices with th etruth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all htings, endures all things. Love never fails. [/color]
These words are powerful when read without opinion. Please share it with him and let him know the parts which apply to you, you are working on. Don't ask him to work on his. Just give him the info and let him digest it.
JMHO,
L.
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On a scale of 1 to 10, how "ok" do you feel you will be if your M ends?
BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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Well, if a 1 means "really crappy" and a 10 means "really great," I would have to go with -10.
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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Ok, so an "addendum" to my letter, taking into consideration what Orchid has said. Thoughts before I send it?
MC had us buy this Life Application Bible to better understand how God's word could apply to our lives right where we were. And I did the assignment she gave us, but then the Bible went on the shelf. So I took it back out today and looked at 1 Corinthians 13. The Biblical definition of love.
'Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for it's own interest, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteouness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all thing, endures all things. Love never fails.'
I know I didn't always do a good job of being obedient to God's word and showing love the way He commanded me to. An utterly unselfish kind of love like the Bible suggests goes against our very natural inclinations. But it is possible to practice this kind of love if God helps us set aside our own desires and instincts, so that we can give love while expecting nothing in return. I am constantly praying for God to give me the ability to love you the way He has commanded. I try to meet your needs, without expecting you to meet mine in return. I know that I certainly failed at the "it does not behave indecently" part, but I have been much more careful about the way I project myself toward others. I am taking those "extraordinary precautions" to protect your love bank.
But the part of this verse that really spoke to me was "It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." How amazing is it to know that with God constantly at the center, our love truly can endure all things and not fail. As people, we fail. But with God, all things are possible, and that includes rebuilding our love.
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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For what it's worth, it meant something to me when my H moved to the point of realizing he was going to be okay, with or without me. I felt that I wanted him in this M from a position of strength, not weakness.
Don't get me wrong, I think he probably was a -10 at points also (he can answer) but just something to think about.
As hard as the A and separation were, I HAD NO CHOICE but to get myself to a point where I was going to be okay no matter what happened. That life was about me & God and my H & God, not about me & my H. Additionally, I had to get to the point of accepting that my DDs lives were going to be okay either way too. I had no choice. He had left, and was not making a decision. That was the very hardest thing, but I got there.
It just cannot be framed in your mind that it is a personal catastrophy if he goes through with the D.
Because he might... he has the right to.
BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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I think I just don't want to be ok without him. When I keep myself busy enough and surrounded by friends, I really am ok. Like today I went to the beach with my friend. We took cameras along and took crazy pictures, and I had a great time. Even when I got home and I was all alone, I was ok. Of course, the second I looked at a picture of my H and smiling, I felt sad.
What are your thoughts on what I wrote for my H?
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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Perhap just adding that MB concepts are specifically designed to bring back those feelings of being "in love" and now that you both have the tools, you know things could be different. And you wish more than anything to have that opportunity to prove it to him.
HOWEVER, that being said, the old adage, "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it's yours..." the only thing I disagree with is the ending, that if it doesn't it never was. Your H was yours before the A and you were his in each other's eyes, the world's eyes, and God's eyes you were joined together til death do you part. You stole that from him with your affair.
If you truly love him, and want to do God's will for your life, you should put your potential for reconciliation in God's capable strong hands. Maybe really loving him means letting him go.
Just food for thought.
NTL
BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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I love him too much to let him go.
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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Two updates:
H has his appointment tonight with Jennifer. I pray that goes well.
I added our pics to the MB photo album so now you can finally put a face to a name.
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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Ok, make that H has his appointment tomorrow night. Jennifer's appointment before his went long and he ended up rescheduling for tomorrow night so he could go eat dinner. But he did reschedule, so that's good.
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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I am starting to feel like saving_myself ... updating my own updates!
So on Wednesday, I have to give a training at work. My principal selected me to be the intermediate math specialist (3rd, 4th, and 5th grade). I think she must have just pulled my name out of a hat. I don't know a thing about math, and I know even less about our new curriculum. So anyways, I attended a one-day training session, and now I have to give a training session for the entire 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade staff. I am nervous as all get out. My H gives "trainings" every week on wine, so I asked him to come in during my lunch time on Wednesday just to give me some comfort. And he said he would try and come in! He is working late (like 4 am late) on Tuesday, and then early on Wednesday (early for him is like noon), so he might not get up. But at this point, I will certainly take the thought.
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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My H sent me a text message tonight at one in the morning wanting to talk (online). Here are some of the things that he is thinking.
Pro's he came up with for divorce:
*I can go wherever I want, work wherever I want, travel...
*and if I happen to meet someone, there won't be the cloud of an affair hanging over the relationship
*There won't be any fallout with my family or damaged relationships
*it's very personal for them. I don't know if things would ever be the same.
*In weighing the consequences with my family of coming back against what could possibly be with us, I don;t know what to think, and i just don't know if I could deal with it
(in response to something that NotTooLost said about staying with her H because he understands boundaries and that affairs can happen to anyone)
*can, sure, but it doesn't happen to anyone. It doesn't happen to most people
Then when I asked him to come up with pros for coming home, this is what he had to say:
*there is the thought of what could be
*I can;t see it without seeing the other areas that would cause me pain
*Whenever I think of what could be in our relationship, possibly, it is always tempered by the fallout in rel;ationships with my family, and the closeness that would not be there if I were with you. It's hard for me to say that it is worth it right now
*I have more painful memoories of us than good ones, especially looking back now and knowing that our relationship was never very solid. I mean, sometimes things just end, even if you don't want them too
*I honestly believe that if we take the time to rebuild our love for one another, that we truly can have a relationship beyond what we ever expected.
cinnymd: But we need the opportunity to do that.
mws1230: I can't have any faith in that
cinnymd: I'm not asking for faith in me.
mws1230: Even faith in God has a foundation....the Bible, the miracles, people's lives changed
mws1230: we don;t have any foundation
mws1230: nothing
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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I sent my H a text message about the marriage builders weekend. I noticed last night that they offered a money back guarantee. Everything with my H is about money, so I thought I could use that to appeal to him. I told him that if it didn't save our marriage (assuming we took it seriously), they would completely refund the registration fee. I just asked him to think about it.
I don't know quite what this means, but his response was "I am coming up with an offer that I will try and send you tonight."
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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And by the way, Jennifer has laryngitis so the appointment got rescheduled again for this Friday.
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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Posts: 365
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My H wrote me "his offer" last night. While it is a tiny step in the right direction, I am just not sure how to take it. I am willing to talk to Jennifer and work with the Marriage Builders
materials to see where it leads. Their approach is different, and maybe that
will be a good thing.
I am not ready to jump back into everything that existed before. I think me
moving right back in, despite any changes made, would make it easier for us
to fall back into similar patterns that we were in before all this madness.
And also, the changes you are making in your life, though dramatic, are very
new. It will take time, if it is even to happen, for my trust to be rebuilt,
and for my feelings towards the relationship to return. Time, in the event
of reconciliation, would also help with my family and the complex issues
that exist there, which as you know, is a big issue for me.
So, here is my offer:
1. We sell the house, and we both find separate places to live for one year.
I can't keep staying in Chris's back bedroom, while paying for half a
mortgage on a house I don't live in, as well as half a car payment on a car
I don't drive, and half of every other bill we have. The sale would also
alleviate some financial stress brought on by extra expenses lately.
2. We separate finances, and pay each of our bills on our own.
3. During this year, we continue talking to people (Jennifer) with Marriage
Builders, and applying their ideas and principals, which, theoretically,
will be of help.
4. So, essentially, we are separated, but in a way, we are going back to the
beginning, like dating again, and seeing if it is possible to build a new
relationship on a much more solid foundation. We would see each other often,
just like we did then.
I am just not emotionally, or in any other way ready to jump back into
typical married life with you. Everything would have to be new, and built
from scratch (minus the fact that we already know each other). It has taken
a lot of time in prayer and reflection, and a lot of patience for me to even
get to the point where I can say all this. And so this is what I am asking
for. This is my offer. The only thing is, I know that with MB -- they say that you need to spend 20 hours a week together. You need to spend as much time as humanly possible. But that can't be done if you are separated. Jennifer told us the last time we were on the phone with her that getting started is the hardest part. It will be completely uncomfortable. She said that "all you need to do is get back on the horse." That we "weren't ready to ride the horse alone, but that she would hold our hands along the way." Any tips on how I should respond to this e-mail?
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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Respond?
with optimism
show him optimism
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I let him know that I appreciated his willingness to try MB and that I recognized how hard it was for him to get to this point.
My only question though ... isn't it hard to meet MB's requirement of 15 hours a week (20 hours after an A) of quality time together if you are separated? Especially since my H and I already have rather conflicting schedules. That was something I brought up when I wrote him back. That I thought if we were truly going to follow MB principles, that we should follow all and not just pick and choose. I suggested that before we make any decisions that we should talk to Jennifer about this and get her opinion on the matter.
Is my thinking her wrong?
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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Of course it's hard when you don't spend enough hours together ... so you show your H a woman who is optimistic and attentive and sincere and not whining during the hours that he is willing to spend with you ... and chances are good he will VOLUNTEER more hours .... assuming you do your plan A right.
You are in no position to bargain or demand.
The more agreeable you are and the more enthusiasm you show H in his company the more he is drawn to you... every little penny dropped into his love bank matters.
Your H is defending his heart. And he should. Keeping his distance is good for him, and if you behave appropriately, he will miss you when you're not around.
If you get impatient and start suggesting H do things differently, his suspicions that you are positioning him to hurt him all over will arise.
Gently be there ... and gently adore him with no pressure that he return that adoration.
Can you keep this up for a year?
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That was something I brought up when I wrote him back. That I thought if we were truly going to follow MB principles, that we should follow all and not just pick and choose. I suggested that before we make any decisions that we should talk to Jennifer about this and get her opinion on the matter.
Is my thinking her wrong? well ... in my opinion your 'thinking' was correct however your 'method' was pushy be very careful about YOU thinking YOU know what your H needs to do to recover You appear selfish and demanding even if you slightly ~lean~ in that direction ... and you inadvertently place a wedge between you and your H. He is defensive when he feels pushed. Keep your female intuition radar fully loaded and wait for an INVITATION to move closer to H. understand?
Last edited by Pepperband; 09/28/05 09:28 AM.
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I did my best to not say it in a pushy manner. I let him know that was my understanding of marriage builders and that I thought it would best to talk to Jennifer about it and get her thoughts.
On the plus side, my H came and had lunch with me today at work. It was, by far, the best 15 minutes of my week!
And Pepper, I could adore this man for much longer than a year. I will adore him for the rest of my life.
Off to training. Be praying for me!
Me, the WS, 25
My H, the BS, 25
Married Sept 2003
Served with D papers Aug 2005, but still hoping to make it work
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
--Maya Angelou
Proud of the woman that I have become, not the events that made me become that woman.
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